


It's About Time

by capitalnineteen



Series: All the Time in the Worlds [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: All the typical TAZ Balance stuff you know and love, F/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Swearing, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-06-06 14:09:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 129,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15196451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capitalnineteen/pseuds/capitalnineteen
Summary: A love letter to Barry Bluejeans of sorts: part one of the whole campaign of The Adventure Zone: Balance (and then some) told from Barry's point of view. This is their Stolen Century. (New chapters post every Friday.)





	1. Contradictions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riding in cars with boys... familiar boys.

Riding back to Phandalin with Taako, Magnus, and Merle, Barry is struck again with increasingly contradictory feelings. He’s felt this before, of course. Sometimes statements come out of his mouth and he’s completely taken aback as if someone else has taken charge of his words. Like the way he knows nothing feels better on a hot day than a swim in a cold lake even though he’s spent his life avoiding the water and unable to swim. Or like earlier, his statement to Magnus about his work as a bodyguard. It  _felt_  true but his experiences just didn’t back it up. 

He considers it carefully, trying to break the situation into pieces he can study objectively. This job with with the Rockseekers, for example. He’d bluffed his way into it for reasons he didn’t understand. But despite his scientific training it just kept coming back to the fact that he  _trusted his gut_  that it was the right move. 

Even now - with a collection of broken ribs screaming at him with each bump and jostle of the wagon - he still believes it had been the right choice. When the gerblins had overwhelmed them the thing that felt most wrong wasn’t the combat but that he’d felt strangely unarmed despite the heavy mace he’d held. And aside from those imprecise data points of feelings and instinct, his body had reacted like one experienced in combat. His muscles had instinctively dropped into a fighting stance and he believed his heart rate hadn’t spiked the way you’d expect for someone with his bookish background. Every physical reaction he could think of backed up the belief that he had somehow survived many, many battles. 

The wagon hits another pothole and Barry clutches his side with a grunt of pain. Okay, maybe some physical evidence existed to disprove the idea of his combat proficiency. After all, the gerblins had nearly killed him. If these three hadn’t come along he had to assume he would be dead right now, moldering in a cave.

Taako, Magnus, and Merle had even rescued his box of belongings, though they’d certainly grumbled about the chore. Barry had insisted though he couldn’t have explained why. Taako had cast levitate on it and Magnus had simply maneuvered it back through the tunnels and out of the cave. 

When they’d made it back to the cart Barry had checked it quickly. There was armor, clothing, and a few letters. None of the papers seemed to make any sense. One - which held only two words - had added yet another item to his list of contradictory data. Something about the rather innocuous note made him feel both like curling into a ball and crying but also like screaming and tearing apart the very universe to find…something. Equally as strange as his reaction was the fact that the paper seemed to shimmer with some magic he couldn’t quite understand. It was as if this folded and refolded sheet of vellum was a… As if it was a … Every time he tried to finish that sentence the only word that presented itself was “copy.” But why would someone use magic to reproduce something so inconsequential? It made no sense.  _None of this made any fucking sense._ But also? When he searched his feelings, his instincts, his  _gut?_  It felt right, it felt true, it felt  _unquestionable_.

Then there was that fucking coin buried in the pocket of his jeans. Barry has been trusting it with his life but he also kind of hates it. It doesn’t look particularly special. Its a bit larger than most coins and the markings make his thoughts swim when he tries to discern them but it’s just a coin. Attempts to spend the coin never go well, though. Maybe that’s why the gerblins had overlooked it. Maybe it’s cursed. Maybe  _he_  is cursed. 

The newest addition to his list of contradictions is how, despite the fact that he barely knows these three travelers, despite his extensive list of injuries, despite everything telling him he should be in misery; Barry feels … almost happy. Something about riding with these guys just feels right. Barry’s life has been one of science and study and reason. This new reliance on gut instincts and feelings should worry him, he supposes. But his companions seem just as home with him as he does with them. 

Barry pulls his thoughts out of the confused spirals they’d been spinning and turns to the almost heartrendingly beautiful elf beside him.

“Yes,” Taako tells him before Barry can find the words he wants. “I'm  _that_  Taako, Taako from TV.”

A surprised laugh escapes from Barry followed instantly by a pained wince as something in his battered chest protests the reaction. “I guess I have been thinking you seemed really familiar.”

“Well, I’ll hit you up with a signed 5"x7” when we get to town, big guy" Taako tells him. “Merle’s asleep with the bags back there,” Taako says with a gesture to the supply area of the wagon behind them where the dwarf’s snores can be heard. “He sleeps  _au naturel_  and if you don’t mind that’s a sight I don’t need a refresher for.”

Barry laughs gently, mindful of his aching chest. He’d gotten his own unfortunate eyeful when Merle was settling in. It’s why he’s sitting up front on the bench between Taako and Magnus instead of trying to rest himself. 

They ride without speaking for several minutes, listening to the creaking wagon, the unrushed hoofbeats of the horses, and their jangling tack. Magnus shifts his hold on the reins and looks over at them. “Huh,” the fighter says. “I think it’s my birthday today, boys.”

“First drink’s on me when we hit town, then,” Barry offers. He is silent for a few seconds while he does his own quick math. “Mine was last month,” he adds. He casts his memory back and comes up blank. “But for the life of me I couldn’t tell you what I did that day.”

Magnus studies him for a moment before he turns back to the horses. “Maybe just a cider when we hit town, buddy. Sounds like your old dome could use a break from the hard stuff if you know what I mean.”

Magnus’s suggestion is a theory Barry himself has considered before but it doesn’t feel quite right. Could that be alcoholic denial though? He doesn’t feel anything more than a minor craving and even that feels centered more on the camaraderie of the bar than the taste or effect of alcohol. But it’s no less probable than his other theories: he’s losing his mind, he’s cursed by a demon coin, or that he’s no more than a figment of an inconsistent imagination. 

Barry shrugs the thoughts away and turns to Taako again. “What about you, Taako? When’s your birthday?”

Taako doesn’t turn towards him, just squints into the distance as if the sun bothers him even though the wide, floppy brim of his hat has thrown a shadow over most of his face.

“I don’t remember,” Taako says quietly. His voice is strained in a way that makes Barry want to hug him, though Barry keeps that instinct thoroughly in check. 

Taako straightens himself, sitting taller on the bench as he smiles at the empty road ahead of them. When the elf speaks again his voice is brittle-bright though his tense shoulders belay the faked indifference. 

“Who cares about a stupid birthday, though, am I right?” Taako says. “I celebrate weekly with a little thing I like to call ’ _Taako Tuesday_.’”


	2. Premonition, Compulsion, and a Living Legend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the very beginning, when the IPRE was just the IPR and Barry Bluejeans was Sildar Hallwinter.

_ Two days later Barry is dead.  _

_ Again. _

_ All those contradictions and questions are filled when he rises, spectral and nearly overwhelmed with more emotions than his lich form can handle. _

_ Because when he’s dead he can remember it all. _  
  
  


 

 

Professor Sarthreli smiles and welcomes him into the office. “Good to see you again, Hallwinter. Have a seat!”

“Thank you, Professor!”

“Ah! Not your professor anymore! Just Sarthreli is fine. Or Keil, if you prefer. Should I switch to your first name?” Sarthreli has aged well since Sildar last saw him but it’s still a surprise to realize Sildar himself is the age his professor had been when they met. That seems fitting since Sildar had taken over teaching the class once Sathreli left to work with the Institute of Planar Research.

“Either is fine, sir.”

“Well, come in, come in! Let me introduce you to our lead engineer. Davenport, this is Sildar Hallwinter, my best student and premier planar theoretician.”

Sildar and Davenport shake hands and exchange greetings. Sildar senses the gnome scrutinizing him. 

Hesitantly he asks, “Davenport? Not  _ the _ Davenport? You built the Golden Bird and then flew it over…”

“The Skybolt,” Davenport corrects, narrowing his eyes. “Golden Bird was what the tabloids called it. Skybolt is the actual name.”

“It’s called the Skybolt and they went with Golden Bird?” Sildar asks incredulously. “But Golden Bird is a  _ stupid _ name!”

Davenport huffs a laugh and nods. “Okay, Keil, I like him.”

Sildar nods his thanks and tries to hide his relief at the approval. Davenport is  _ legendary. _

“Good, good! I knew you’d get along! So,” Sildar’s former professor continues, “You can guess why we’re here, Hallwinter, yes?”

Sildar smiles, “You’re on the team, aren’t you? The team researching the light?”

“Ah, Hallwinter, you disappoint me! Do you have another guess?”

Sildar’s smile fades. He’d hoped the professor was on the team and planned to ask him to assist. All the scientific community has talked about since it fell a few weeks ago is the Light of Creation and who was going to get to be on the research team and actually work with it first hand. Professor Sarthreli was his best hope.

“None, sir.”

“ _ You _ are on the team,” Sarthreli responds. His smile widens before he adds, “Your team, actually. We’re offering you the lead.”

Sildar is struck dumb. He knew his research and theories on intradimensional travel and the physics between planes had to put him on the consideration list but leading the team? This was more than he’d ever hoped.

“Sir, I have to decline.” 

The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. There’s no way to explain his decision. It involves things he’s never been able to explain to himself. The simplest explanation is to use a word he’s avoided his whole life: premonition.

Hallwinters don’t believe in premonitions. Unless it’s a divine or magical in nature, they just don’t hold with clairvoyance. Science and study, rational thought. Those are what he’s been raised to believe in. 

And that’s well and good when it’s minor. Some instinct will sit in his head, insisting he pay attention. But then there’s the big ones. Then the premonition turns to compulsion. There’s no avoiding it. He might as well fight the sky. Words come out of his mouth like just now.

So while taking the lead on the research team is exactly the amazing opportunity he’d never dreamed of getting, it’s gone before he can even imagine it.

Then the compulsion strikes once more. “I’d like to request to be part of the exploration team instead.”

Davenport straightens slightly in his chair but remains silent.

Sarthreli, however, is clearly shocked. “What exploration team?”

“The exploration team for the next ship.” As soon as Sildar answers he sees the logic of it. It’s the next logical step from studying interplanar dimensions to traveling them. The success of the Skybolt means another, more advanced ship is certainly being planned. And now, with the light of creation and everything this new source of advancement must offer? Of course there will be a new ship and of course it’s goal will be to leave the planar system.

But why would he ever be part of that team? He clamps down on his own irritation. It doesn’t matter. That stupid compulsion has spoken. Even if it could be drowned out, the words have already left his mouth. Sarthreli won’t forget what he’s said.

Sarthreli glances at the closed office door nervously. “Have there been rumors?”

“No,” Sildar answers. “It’s just where I know I need to be.”

He leans forward, sighing at Sildar as he props his chin on one hand. Sarthreli looks at Davenport and the two men exchange a silent conversation, each of them moving their heads almost imperceptibly.

Sildar waits patiently. There’s nothing else for him to do but hope the compulsion will prove itself again.

As soon as Sarthreli leans back, tents his fingers, and begins tapping them, Sildar knows he’s won.

When he speaks again, his voice is barely above a whisper. “There can be no discussion about this. Six people in the world know of it and half of them are in this room. That now includes you.” He shakes his head at Sildar and for the first time looks every bit of his age. “It hasn’t been announced yet but the Institute is expanding its name to officially include exploration.”

Sarthreli strokes his mustache as he thinks. “You’ll be part of the research team in the meantime. Too many questions if you aren’t. And we need your input if the exploration team is to be.” He cuts a look at Davenport. “We’ll call him an advisor, yes?”

Davenport gives Sildar another of those appraising looks. “No, he’ll float between teams. I want him working with my group as well.”

Sarthreli nods. “Well, Hallwinter, are you with us?”

Sildar agrees, “Absolutely, sir. As long as I’m on the exploration team the rest would be an honor.”

“Bah! When did you become so determined?” Sarthreli says with a bitter laugh. The man sobers before continuing. “Why do you choose this thing, Hallwinter? Exploration is for the young, not you or I staring down the backside of the hill.”

Sildar shrugs, “It’s where I need to be.”

“You’ve been at the university for thirty years and now you need to be exploring the planar system? If this is your midlife crisis you should find a young blonde and a convertible, not pass over such a chance…” he lets the sentence fall as he studies Sildar. “But your mind is made up and having you is an asset.” He stands and reaches for his cane. Leaning on it heavily, he moves to embrace Sildar. “Keep this under your hat, yes?”

Sildar nods, “Of course, sir.”


	3. Founding Observations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where there's Lup there's Fire.

Sildar has seen the elf around the Institute. She and her twin are beyond attention catching. There is something impossible to ignore about both of them. They are both luminously beautiful but that’s far from the only reason they are so noteworthy.

They both carry enough magical power that it’s obvious even to him. They seem completely unconcerned with anyone beyond each other. That kind of self assurance is enviable enough but the fact that they so clearly have each other’s backs is something he can only imagine.

Sildar has been on his own for most of his life.

As Sarthreli had pointed out, Sildar has been at the University in one capacity or another for thirty years now. Yet he could count on a single hand the people he socializes with more than once or twice a year. He doesn’t think about that very often.

Seeing this pair of elves makes him feel indescribably lonely. But it also makes him happy seeing two people looking out for each other and able to enjoy each other’s company.

And now she’s here.

The Founder’s Dinner isn’t the sort of place he would have expected to run into her. It’s a party filled with self congratulatory old men patting each other on the back over the work the Institute has accomplished despite having very little to do with it themselves. Sildar himself is only here to introduce Sarthreli and continue paving the way for the announcement that he’s on the exploration team.

In the eight months since they found the light of creation a lot has been accomplished. He and Davenport and the teams have accomplished what none of them would have expected. The new ship is nearly completed. It will be powered by a miraculous new engine that will take seven people - including himself and Davenport as captain - beyond the material plane.

None of that has been announced yet, though. The other crew positions are still being filled. The Institute is pulling from a wide selection of backgrounds to find people who fit a rather unusual set of criteria: the ability to not just perform standard team roles but have an affinity for the bonds that will power the engine.

Sildar isn’t as impressed by his early selection as he should be. It’s hard to feel proud of something when the premonitions takes the reins.

Not that he’ll ever admit what led to his decision. If it can’t be explained by rigorous scientific testing, it doesn’t merit discussion. That’s how he’d been raised.

Which wasn’t to say his family was cold. His mother Marlena was wonderful. His extended family were… fine. But the backbones of his entire family were academia and science. And you certainly didn’t throw away lucrative and science-advancing opportunities because a feeling told you to.

But it had worked out. He was on the crew. Instead of being in a lab, he’d be traveling between the planar systems and experiencing things first hand. There would be plenty of research groups to join when he returned.

The downside is having to come to parties like this. Why is it called the Founder’s Dinner? There’s no dinner. Just wait staff circulating cocktails and appetizers while speakers talked about how amazing they all were. He wishes he were nearly anywhere than at this stuffy mixer in a new suit he’ll probably never wear again.

But if that elf is here maybe it isn’t so bad. Now if only he can find the nerve to talk to her. She’s not even here with her brother, maybe she’d actually _want_ to talk to…

He stands at one of the bar height tables they have set up for people to group around with their cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. Someone is telling a complicated story about some legal snafu they’d found in a contract for the company manufacturing the wiring for a new wing of the Institute. It is mind numbingly boring. Sildar can feel his IQ dropping just listening.

Then the flowers in the center of the table catch fire.


	4. These Names Don't Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flaming flowers, fake names, and an elevator.

When the flames erupt from the flowers - and that is what happens, a sudden flare of fire - everyone else moves away from the table at once. Sildar dumps his water glass on the flame, instantly guttering it.

He’s never used magic but he knows the signs of it. That was magic.

Sildar glances up and there she is. The elf he’s seen around the Institute is looking at the table. The look on her face gives her away instantly. She’s a cat caught pushing a vase off a shelf; red handed but feigning innocence even though her paw is still raised.

The image is so perfect he has to look down and laugh. He pulls off his glasses to clean them while he considers what he should do. Well, why should he do anything? It was just a little mischief and he was saved from a boring conversation. Let her have her fun, he decides.

Sarthreli’s speech is a version of the traditional rah-rah Institute speech, tuned for the monied who like to consider themselves responsible for any successes. This is the part of his job Sildar has always found frustrating: the continual need to show the benefit of learning. Isn’t it obvious on its own? He can get stirred up about the opportunities they have to advance their knowledge and the possibilities these explorations will provide but, to him, explaining how the new information is beneficial is like explaining the usefulness of a breathable atmosphere. It’s so obvious he’s unsure how to proceed. Those conversations turn him from competent scientist into his normal awkward and flustered self.

As he makes his rounds being introduced by Sarthreli, he keeps an eye on the elf. She’s cramming hors d'oeuvres in her purse. Shit. Is she just hungry tonight or is this a problem? He needs to check with Sarthreli. If the people who work here aren’t being taken care of, they need to fix that. He’s never really had to consider about pay grades and benefits. She has to work for the Institute - she’s around all the time. As soon as he can he’s going to find out if that’s a problem for employees. The fat cats at this party can afford to provide for the people who work here.

In the meantime he’ll make sure she has enough tonight. He pulls aside a waiter and asks the man to put together a bundle of the food and deliver it to her. Hopefully that will make it easier for her than trying to surreptitiously sneak them. 

Sildar has put the issue to the back of his mind by the time the repercussions come back to him. 

He’s trying to judge how much longer he’ll have to stay at this party. He can’t leave before Sarthreli, unfortunately. Then he’s jabbed violently in the shoulder by someone. When he turns around he’s surprised to see the elf he’s noticed, braced for confrontation. 

“What the hell!” she says, her volume barely restrained. She doesn’t give him a chance to speak before she continues, “Did you send over that shrimp?”

Sildar is completely confused. Why is she angry? What is going on? “Um,” he answers, words completely vanishing from his brain. He scrapes his fingers through his hair, trying to process what is happening. “I, uh, I just…”

She doesn’t give him the chance to say more. “If that was your idea of funny, you need to return your sense of humor, chucklefuck, cause it’s non operational.”

She shoves something at him and he accepts it, stammering, “Uh… I…”

“Yeah. You. Really nailed the explanation, good work. Maybe get a refund on conversation while you’re at it.” With that, she turns and stalks away, disappearing into the crowd.

All he can do is look down at what she forced on him. It’s a pile of shrimp hors d'oeuvres wrapped in a napkin. Oh. Well, that had clearly been a mistake. Did she think he was calling her poor? Or trying to call her out on pocketing shrimp? What a colossal idiot he’s been. He didn’t even consider how it could be taken badly.

Sildar looks around, trying to spot her. He needs to apologize, tell her he never meant it as an insult or… 

It takes him a while to find her. Once he spots her he can tell by the set of her shoulders and the pair of drinks in her hands she is still extremely displeased. 

She’s not talking to anyone, just facing away and taking alternating sips from the drinks in her hands. 

Sildar tries to build up his nerve as he approaches her. 

“Excuse me, um, miss?”

He’s managed to gather his courage pretty well until she turns to face him. She whirls around, liquid slinging out of the glasses in her hands and something in her posture reminding him the foolishness of surprising someone he knows has magic. 

Words disappear from his brain entirely. Every thought of apology dries up as she squints at him, eyes tight and hostile. “You made me fucking spill my drink,” she accuses.

For some reason the only word his brain provides is, “Drinks.”

The hostility mutates into obvious rage. “Excuse me?!”

“Uh, I…” he says, his brain trying to find the right gears to create sentences and explain.

“Look, buster, if you came over here to play another game of ‘um, I’ then how about we skip to the bonus round where you fuck off?”

“I’m sorry,” he finally manages. He’s unable to think of another time he’s felt so completely wretched and unable to communicate. “I… I just, uh, just wanted to…” His words come tumbling out in a miserable hash, “I just wanted to apologize, I really didn’t mean to bother you, I’m just, look, I’m really, really,” he snaps his mouth shut on the words at last and adjusts his glasses as he adds a quiet, “Sorry.”

He looks at her for a moment, trying to see if he’s actually managed to convey his thought with his rambled apology.

Her face goes through a quick slideshow of reactions before settling on a milder version of annoyance than the original attitude when she faced him before spilling her drinks.

“Can I get…” he begins, intending to offer to replace her drinks but she speaks at the same time.

“Fine, you apologized can you…”

They both stop, unsure how to continue. She finds words before he does and they both seem surprised by them.

“Why did you send the shrimp?”

It’s another case of explaining something that seem so self evident he isn’t sure how to proceed. “I, uh, I thought you were hungry? You kept grabbing them and I thought…” He stops, confused.

Another beat of silence passes between them, both looking at the other, unsure how to handle this strange conversation.

She speaks and both of them are again surprised by the words she chooses. 

“I don’t like shrimp,” she says. “I was stealing them.”

Sildar blinks, processing her statements. “Oh,” he says, brilliantly. “Okay.”

They face each other for a moment and then she drains one of the drinks still in her hands and thrusts the empty glass at him, instructing, “Here, hold this.”

“Do you want me to get you…?” He asks. She gives him another suspicious glare and he hurries to finish the thought, “... more to drink? Another glass?”

She finishes her second glass and gives him an assessing look before answering, “I think I’m good.”

He’s unreasonably disappointed by this. Sildar has wanted to talk to her for weeks and when finally given the chance he’s blown it epically. “Oh, uh, yeah,” he tells her, feeling completely crushed by his ineptitude. “I’ll, uh, leave you alone now. Can I, uh, take your other glass?”

Waiting for her to give him a response he notices the sticker proclaiming her to be “Carol Flesk.” He has a name at least. Of course now it’s the name of someone he’ll need to avoid.

“How about I get you a drink?” she suggests. 

Her question surprises him entirely and he’s lucky he can stammer out a reply of “Oh, um, sure!” Sildar smiles. He’s so pleased with her offer he doesn’t even think to worry about the heat he feels turning his face red.

Her ears twitch as her eyes dart down to his mouth and back to his eyes. She gives him a single nod and turns away, pausing to look around before striding away in search of drinks.

The awareness of her looking at his mouth has him filled with worry that his attempt at a smile was off putting or there was something in his teeth despite having not eaten since getting ready tonight. He looks down at himself. The suit still looks decent. Wet marks are visible from where her drinks had spilled as she turned but the color doesn’t show them too badly. He’s uncomfortably aware of the liquid. She couldn’t have gotten more than a few sips considering how much of the drinks he’s wearing.

He considers pulling out the neatly folded square of material from the breast pocket to dab at the spots but he’s worried he’ll only make it worse. The suit makes him feel even more awkward than normal which he hadn’t known was possible.

Carol returns and hands him a drink. Belatedly, Sildar realizes the problem with this arrangement. He’d been so pleased she didn’t want him to get as far away from her as possible he’d forgotten to mention he’s not really a drinker. Unsure how else to handle a situation he’s already managed to handle badly in so many ways, he accepts the drink and takes a sip. Of course he then has a mouthful of alcohol he has also forgotten to prepare for and then swallows wrong on top of everything.

For agonizing seconds all he can do is cough and turn red. Once he’s able to breathe again he feels so ridiculous that he simply tilts the remainder of the drink back and swallows, pulling a terrible grimace in the process. “Thanks,” he manages to say. If he didn’t feel so thoroughly embarrassed he’d be impressed with just how many innovative ways he’s come up with to be absurd.

But Carol actually smiles at him. She gives him a small laugh that feels like a reward instead of a reaction at his expense. “Would you like to get out of here?” she asks.

Sildar’s skin takes the question as a prompt to invent a new shade of red as he nods, “I, um, yes. I, y-yes.”

She takes the glass he holds and deposits it on the nearby window sill before grabbing his hand and leading him through the room towards the exit. Their fingers twine together naturally and they fall into step together as if they’ve done this a thousand times before. They cross the room and pass through the hall, only stopping when they reach the elevator.

Sildar, who has spent more of his life feeling awkward than not, is for one of the few moments in his life completely at ease. Holding her hand? Standing beside her? Even after his entire series of nonsense all he feels is how right it is. They wait for the elevator and she pulls her hand away to shift the strap of her purse. 

The loss of contact once she drops his hand seems to reignite his natural awareness of his ridiculousness. He’s about to offer her an out when the elevator doors open. She steps forward and catches her foot somehow, toppling forward. Sildar grabs her arm and steps forward with her to keep her balance, moving with her into the elevator. 

She steadies herself and glances down at her shoe. As the elevator doors close she turns to him and he is unable to stop staring at her eyes. Looking in this stranger’s eyes, he sees fire and mischief and warmth and laughter and ferocity and kindness. Scientifically he should be reminding himself of the inherent magic of elven eyes but fact and reason have crumbled away.

The distance between them shrinks as she edges towards him, bending her head hesitantly towards him, stopping short of touching. They stay that way for a breath, the air mingling between them as her hand slides along the lapel of his suit coat. Even that simple contact makes him drag in a breath, feeling overwhelmed. His pull of air draws her eyes to his mouth and the remaining space between them vanishes as her lips meet his.

When their mouths press into each other, there’s the sweet bite of alcohol merged with some magic that’s just her. His fingers squeeze lightly on her arm and then trail upwards to the hand she rests against him, pressing her palm tightly to his chest. Their other hands find each other as well. Her free hand goes to his shoulder, his skates lightly over her hip to her waist then to the small of her back. The kiss is sweet and lingering until they are startled by the motion of the elevator rumbling to life. They both draw back, looking slightly dazed.

This time she’s the one who only manages to say, “I, um…”

At the same time he whispers, “That was nice.” He smiles at her, feeling a wondrous lightness pass over him as he gently strokes his fingers over the back of her hand still pressed to his chest.

The elevator doors open and the moment is broken. They move away from each other, turning to face the entryway. 

Two men board, a tiefling and half elf. The half elf glances at her and gives her a strange look that Sildar can’t follow as the man says with a laugh, “Carol?” He gives Sildar a look as well before moving to the far side of his companion and whispering something Sildar can’t hear.

The two men laugh and the tiefling responds, “Probably both,” before laughing again with a look over his shoulder at Carol.

Sildar isn’t sure what the encounter means but he can feel her bristling beside him. She drops his hand, her attention focused on the other two. Then, something shifts in her once more as the elevator doors open again and the men exit.

She moves away from him, stepping up to angrily jab a button on the panel. “Just remembered I have to go meet someone,” she tells him, not bothering to turn to look at him. 

Her back is so stiff. He doesn’t know what happened. Maybe the other two knew she and her twin? “Oh, your brother?” he asks, thinking that must be the explanation.

She spins to face him and the words come out like an accusation, “What do you know about my brother?”

Sildar’s eyes go wide, confused at the whiplash change in atmosphere between them in the last minute. “Nothing,” he tells her, “I’ve just seen you both around the Institute. What, uh, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she tells him harshly, turning away again. “Everything's wonderful.” 

He opens his mouth, wanting to ask what has happened but the doors slide open and she stalks away before he can find the words.

Sildar watches the doors slide closed. He has no idea what happened but it feels monumental and awful.


	5. First Impressions and Second Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew is finalized and meet for the first...or second time.

Weeks pass and Sildar tries not to think about the party or the elf. Especially not the moments in the elevator. He’s spared seeing the twins around the Institute because he is constantly in the lab or in the hanger with Davenport and his team. Everything is advancing quickly and the launch schedule is tight.

The engine tests have gone spectacularly. With every stumbling block they hit, Davenport seems to come up with a better solution than the original design. His skill is at the level where it seems entirely instinctual to anyone watching. Sildar can’t wait to see him on the actual ship.

As the mounting array aboard the ship is completed they use the temporary housing to set up the twelve foot shimmering white ring for the final round of crew tests.

Sildar doesn’t attend any of these. Instead he oversees the final preparation of the ship’s lab. They will have everything they’d use at home though on a far more compact scale. Others on the crew will use the space but this will primarily be his domain. Once the final crew choices are made they will be able to detail responsibilities.

Since much of their research during this mission will include testing the relationship between magic and the other planes, it’s likely that a significant portion of the crew will be magic users. Sildar himself has the capacity for magic, though he’s never pursued it. They also intend to select at least one crew member with no magical aptitude.

Davenport has discussed the crew selection with him in these vague terms. Mostly magic users, the ability to create strong bonds, personalities and specialties that mesh well. For this first mission the crew make up will be more fluid. Future missions will depend on what they learn. Sildar has every faith in Davenport’s instincts. If he can assemble a crew the way he can assemble an N-1 Junolian spectramatrix, they’ll be fine.

He sometimes wonders if Davenport sleeps. Sildar is putting in long hours but he’s never there that Davenport isn’t. He’s not even sure the gnome stops to eat much less sleep. He’s crashed on a couch in Davenport’s office several times rather than take the time to leave the Institute in search of his own bed. There’s simply too much to be done. And since Davenport offered… Sildar grabs naps when he can then gets back to work. He hopes Dav does the same or he’s going to run himself ragged.

Six weeks before launch, Davenport calls Sildar in.

“I want to discuss the crew selections with you,” he says. “We’ve narrowed it down and… I just want your first impressions. Okay?”

Sildar looks at the gnome. He has the feeling Davenport isn’t looking for his opinion as the science officer. “What is it you’re after?” he asks hesitantly.

“Just first impressions,” Davenport repeats, shaking his head to indicate there’s no conspiracy. “If you have a feeling about it, let me know.”

Sildar sighs. He’d made it five decades without anyone knowing about his premonitions but of course Davenport had noticed. “Look, I don’t really…”

“Just first impressions,” Davenport interrupts. “That’s all.”

“Okay,” Sildar agrees. “Let’s see them.”

Davenport nods. He tosses a file across the desk. “First up, this is our top choice for chronicler.”

Sildar glances over the list of credits. “Impressive,” he says. He starts to slide the folder back across the desk but pauses. There’s a distinct _something_ but it’s impossible to read. He’s never tried to activate his intuition like this before. He can’t even call it an imprecise science - it’s no science at all. He lets the feeling and the folder go.

Davenport gives another single nod and flips open another file. “This pair is a bit unconventional. They’re twins, two of the most magically gifted elves I’ve seen. And they can _cook_ , too.”

That gets Sildar’s attention. He takes the file from Davenport and glances at the names. His shoulders fall when he doesn’t recognize them. He’d thought elf twins were rare. Ah well, probably for the best. That would have been awkward. “Wow,” he says, noticing the results of their tests near the bond engine. “Their bonds… they could keep the engine going on their own, couldn’t they?”

Davenport’s ears flick back as he grins. “Exactly. The committee didn’t want a pair of relations going together but that’s the convincing argument right there. Plus, as I mentioned; they cook.”

Another file lists a half elf man that Davenport is considering for the security position. As soon as Sildar touches the file he feels a dread wash over him. He’s barely able to push through the feeling enough to open it before he shakes his head. “No,” he tells him, his face pulling into a look of discomfort. “That one is trouble.”

Sildar is relieved when Davenport doesn’t question it, simply sets the file aside and rummages through another stack. “Here’s the other choice for security,” he says, passing over the file.

This candidate’s file is thinner than the previous one but there’s a good feeling when he holds it. Sildar hates knowing that he’s just contributed to a man’s career setback with a _feeling_ but he also knows he’s glad he won’t be on a ship with the man. “This one is good,” he answers, “very good,” passing the folder back.

“Alright, thanks,” Davenport says, stacking the folders.

“That it?” Sildar asks. “That’s only six.”

Davenport smiles. “The other position is already filled.”

  


Two weeks later the crew gathers for the first time. Sildar comes straight from the lab on the ship sitting just outside the place the crew will meet. He’s exhausted from spending the whole night working on getting a system online in the lab after he found a last minute incompatibility between two key pieces of machinery. He looks like he slept in his clothes. He wishes that were true. As soon as this meeting is over he has another session with the research team and then he desperately hopes he can sneak in a nap.

Davenport introduces him to Merle who was the mysterious seventh crew member that had already been chosen. Even in a fresh new IPRE jacket, the dwarf looks like he just arrived from tending a commune’s roadside vegetable stand. He’s a cleric who will function as physician and biologist as well as, in a way, representing religion in their search for what lies beyond the boundaries of their plane.

Lucretia arrives next, exactly one minute before the official time the group was scheduled to meet. She’s a very young dark skinned human. Davenport introduces her to Merle and Sildar as their chronicler. When he lists some of her many accomplishments she dips her head shyly.

The next to arrive is another human. He’s a brawny young man with a quick smile. Magnus Burnsides is the security officer. Magnus’s friendly demeanor makes Sildar instantly glad Davenport had trusted his judgement. He doesn’t know who that half elf was but he’s very glad to have this man going with them instead.

“That’s five,” Merle points out. “Where’s the other two?”

“I’m sure they’ll be along soon,” Davenport answers. He directs Merle and the two humans to the back of the room where a large glass wall gives them an excellent view of the ship. The public has named it The Starblaster. Sildar doesn’t find the name as elegant as The Skybolt but he supposes it’s better than Golden Eagle or worse, some of the other suggestions the public had come up with. Stinky Spinnaker? The engineering team had been particularly unhappy with that one. Starblaster was certainly better than that option.

Sildar isn’t paying much attention when the final two crew members arrive. He’s going over what the research team needs to discuss in the meeting later and hoping they can finish early. Sildar is exhausted. At this rate it will be a relief to launch and have regular shifts.

“Yo! Bluejeans!” a voice calls. Sildar looks up and catches a very surprising sight. One of the two elves he’s seen around the Institute is walking towards him. It’s Carol’s brother. Further behind, not following her brother is Carol. Sildar looks behind him to see who the male elf might be speaking to. There’s no one else close - the rest of the crew are still looking out at the ship.

Sildar gives him confused look, “Me?”

“Yeah, Bluejeans,” the elf confirms, “What’s your specialty?”

“Uh, I’m the science expert,” he answers, feeling off kilter. There were twins on the crew but neither of them were named Carol. What’s going on? “My name is…” he starts to add but the elf begins introducing himself.

“I’m Taako,” he announces with a grand smile, fingers splayed on his chest as the speaks. “My almost equally attractive sister,” he begins, turning to introducer her. She hasn’t moved any closer, clearly as surprised as Sildar to find the other here.

“Lup!” Taako calls, “Get over here and meet Bluejeans!”

“Uh,” Sildar says. “It’s, uh, nice to meet you. My name isn’t ‘Bluejeans,’ though, it’s…”

Taako interrupts him again, “Oh, yeah, sure,” he says as he skims the piece of paper in his hand. “Science expert Barry,” he reads from the sheet. “Barry Bluejeans!” Taako announces with a laugh, “That’s great, Barry!”

“What?” Sildar asks. He pulls out his own copy of the publicity statement. Oh no. He knew he never should have filled out that ‘nickname’ part. He’d rarely ever gone by Darry and as if that weren’t bad enough they’ve not even managed to get that right. Instead it lists him as ‘Science Expert: “Barry” Hallwinter’

“No, no, no,” Sildar protests. “They messed it up. It’s a mistake, that’s not…”

Taako is paying him no mind at all. He’s once again calling for his twin to join them. She finally moves forward just as Merle and Magnus join their little group.

Taako takes over the introductions as Sildar stares at the paper, willing his name to correct itself somehow.

“I’m Taako,” the elf tells Merle and Magnus. “And this is Lup,” he says, introducing his sister.

Wait, Lup? Not Carol? Sildar looks back at the sheet listing the crew. Lup and Taako. Why had she been at the…

His thought is interrupted as Taako introduces him to Magnus and Merle as Barry Bluejeans. Sildar tries to correct the name yet again. He and Magnus and Merle have already been introduced but they don’t seem to question Taako’s choice of name for him.

Davenport ushers Lucretia over and introduces her again now that the twins have arrived. Sildar keeps trying to catch Carol's, or rather Lup’s eye but she never comes close to meeting his.

The group follow Davenport towards the exit at the back of the room for their tour of the ship. Taako, Magnus, and Merle begin chatting as they follow Davenport and Lucretia. Sildar falls in behind the rest, walking beside Lup.

“So, you’re Lup,” he asks hesitantly. “Not Carol?”

“Yes, Blue...jeans,” she answers. “I’m Lup.” She sounds defensive.

“You do realize that’s not my name, right?” he asks. “I don’t even understand…”

She stops walking and he pauses beside her. She looks at him then exaggeratedly angles her head to look at his pants before continuing walking.

Sildar falls into step with her again and points out, “Okay, I’m wearing bluejeans but that’s not…” He’s exhausted and can’t even come up with the simple argument to explain how ridiculous this line of thinking is. He gestures to the others ahead of them. “No one called Magnus ‘No Sleeves’ or, uh, called Lucretia “Severely Tailored Linen’ or…”

“That’d be a mouthful,” she interrupts, sounding pissed off.

Sildar stops walking and asks the question that he’d already wondered but now feels convinced of, “Did I, uh, did I do something to make you angry?”

Lup stops walking and turns to face him. “Look,” she says. She sighs and when she continues her words are like little icy daggers. “Look, Barold. All this has been an ordeal.” She gestures at the ship ahead of them and the Institute buildings behind them. “So I’m not feeling very charming. Now we work together,” she reminds him, looking towards the ship where the seven of them will spend months in constant proximity. “So what happened? _Didn’t_ happen. Understand?”

Sildar removes his glasses. He uses the edge of his button up shirt to clean them then looks at her. He feels so wiped out, suddenly. He’s worked so many hours lately and he doesn’t mind that. But the one nice thing he’s been holding at the back of his mind, clutching like a secret treasure, was the handful of moments spent with her. And it was actually just… nothing. He looks at her and realizes how silly it was to believe in something like that.

He drops his gaze to the glasses in his hand and nods to himself. He’d been a fool. “Understood,” he answers. Sildar puts his glasses on and moves to follow the rest of the group. “It was nice to meet you, Lup,” he says without turning, his eyes on the ship ahead and what he still needs to accomplish.


	6. Embrace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A press conference, a bar, and a tiny family. Everything changes. Again.

Sildar pushes himself even harder in the final weeks before the launch. He feels Davenport’s attention on him sometimes, can sense the gnome weighing the value of discussing it with him. Davenport doesn’t confront him, though. Probably because it would be hypocritical for him to try.

Even if Sildar weren’t trying to distract himself, there seems to be an endless list of last minute things to check, secure, and document. But finally it’s the last day.

They have one final press conference to suffer through and then their obligations are finished until launch at 0800.

A reporter asks a question about what they expect to find beyond the boundaries of their planar system and Davenport turns it over to Sildar, or rather, to _Barry_. The mistake in the crew press release has become the accepted version of his name. Worse, someone - he’s not sure who but suspects their name rhymes with ‘Taako’ - has gotten the press to use ‘Bluejeans’ as his last name. It’s so prevalent that even after nearly a year of working together, Davenport has begun using the ridiculous new name.

The question is interesting enough that Sildar doesn’t even protest the name. “Well, um, we don’t really know what’s out there,” he begins. He explains some of the possibilities they may find: new forms of matter or energy, entire worlds that might be habitable. Impassioned by his favorite subject, he’s carried away for a moment with the possibilities that lay before them. After working so hard for the last year to make this mission happen, he’s excited by the thought that they could find almost anything when they launch the next day.

And then from down the table he hears Lup joke to her brother, “Nerd alert!”

It’s impossible for him to get away from the microphone fast enough. He awkwardly wraps up his answer and sits back down, his face burning. In the space of thirty seconds he’s gone from finally excited about the possibilities of the mission to completely dreading it. He’s no longer Sildar Hallwinter, noted scientist. He’s Barry Bluejeans, pathetic nerd and butt of jokes.

His heart hammers in his chest for the rest of the press conference. Anxiety and misery cycle through his system in equal measure. Sarthreli had been right: exploration is not for men like him.

After the press conference, Magnus, Lup, and Taako want to head to a dive bar for their final night of celebration. The twins want to hustle pool. Magnus hopes to find a good excuse to throw a few homeworld punches before leaving this plane for several months.

Lucretia follows because she wants to capture the story of their last night before their momentous journey begins. Merle follows, Barry suspects, because drinking with the team is more appealing than a final night with an extensive family he doesn’t seem very close to. Davenport agrees to go along claiming he could ‘hopefully keep the group from being arrested or featured on the news.’ Barry, on the weird periphery of not included but not excluded, follows as well.

Lup, Taako, and Magnus find exactly what they are seeking. The dump where they end up drinking isn’t anywhere the IPRE would be proud to have their premier exploration team be found but that’s hardly the point of a last hurrah before launch. Taako and Lup hustle two guys out of their shoes for the somewhat malicious delight of making the losers leave the bar in their socks.

When the inevitable fight breaks out, Magnus jumps in enthusiastically. Merle pulls Lucretia to safety behind the bar. Barry is the only one who sees Davenport sneak in a few blows on a particularly abusive bar patron. And there’s Barry, in the corner observing instead of participating. He’s not participating, that is, until he sees one of the unhappy, shoeless victims of the twins’ pool hustling slip back in during the fracas.

The grumpy young loser picks up a bottle with an eye towards the twins. They have faced off against the ogre who’d accused them of cheating. Before he even consciously decides to get involved, Barry kicks the back of the man’s leg just as he tosses the bottle. Surprised, the man lets loose of the bottle too soon. It flies high and instead of hitting either twin, the bottle crashes against a ceiling beam. A dangerous but thankfully not deadly shower of glass and alcohol rains down on them.

Davenport gathers his crew and shepherds them out of the bar before security or press can catch them.

They launch early the next morning with a worried yet distracted eye on the changing weather that has descended. Then the storm becomes something else and suddenly, they are all each other have.

The Starblaster launches in a storm that should have gained more of their attention than it did. It’s only as the twelve foot ring of the bond engine begins to spin up to pull them out of the material plane that the truth of the storm is made clear.

This is no weather phenomenon. The dark storm flecked though with reds and golds and blues reaches out. It misses the ship but captures everything else.

Davenport steers them through not just spaces no one has traversed before but an attack they couldn’t have imagined. There’s no response when Davenport attempts to reach the Institute.

And so they leave.

The goal of the mission was to explore beyond the bounds of the material plane, beyond their own planar system. Now, with no other option, they do.

They reach a boundary, cross some shivering brink between what _was_ and what is unknown. And everything stops.

From this moment of cancelled time the crew is ripped apart. Infinity shatters around them as they are dissolved into endless projections of themselves. All of them repeated and repeated and repeated into the boundless expanse between where they were and where they will be. Then in an eternity that passes in an instant they are reverberated backwards, recoiled down into singular versions of themselves.

Davenport guides the ship back down through the planes and the spaces between them, returning to the prime material plane. But it’s not _their_ prime material plane. This whole solar system is wrong. There is only one sun and the planets in the ‘Goldilocks Zone’ of habitability don’t match their own. On the planet most likely to sustain life, landmasses far different than the familiar shapes they expect can be seen. Together, the crew realize they are somewhere unknown and alien. The Captain tries to undo it, go back through the barrier, return to their own planar system. But that shimmering, shivering boundary has closed.

Again they are without options. They descend to whatever awaits them in this new place, returning to the planet with the best survivability requirements.

“It’s so damn _green_ ,” Magnus says. “Where do the people live?”

“There may not be any,” Lucretia murmurs. “We’ve always wondered if we were a statistical improbability. Maybe we were.”

 

Davenport brings the ship in close and for a few days they study what they can see from the deck. The place they find themselves is beyond any of their imaginations. In this world the inhabitants are all animals. They work together, just one civilization existing despite its seeming impossibility. During this time, they see a sight they do recognize: the light of creation streaks across the sky to land in the west.

With little idea what else to do on this strange world, the crew discusses the best way to go after the light. Magnus and Merle are both focused solely on collecting it.

Taako and Lup have a more indirect plan that catches Barry’s interest. They want to concentrate on learning the language the animals all communicate with. With this, they can pursue not just the light but information about this world and its history.

“Would, uh, would you guys mind if I joined you?” Barry asks the twins as the meeting breaks up.

Lup’s ears twitch when he speaks but she doesn’t look up from what she’s doing or respond to him.

Taako glances up at Barry. “You want to work on the language with us?” he asks. Taako turns to his sister. “Lup, you cool with that?”

Lup shrugs and answers as she walks away, “Sure, whatever. Free planet, I assume.”

Taako watches Lup leave then turns back to Barry. “A’ight then. Suppose we’ll head out in the morning.”

Barry nods, resolving to keep his distance from Lup. This is just about the work.

The first few days don’t get them anywhere on learning the language. But they do learn a lot about the way the animals work together. They observe the adjacent settlements of species that would never coexist in their own world. None of the animals are carnivorous. They have a trade system that seems to be mutually beneficial.

After a few days, Taako suggests they head out at a different time of day. “None of these dudes wanna talk to us. Let’s check out the nightlife.”

Lup nods. “Good idea,” she says before giving Barry a look that dares him to disagree.

“Sounds good to me,” Barry says honestly, because he thinks it is a good plan, not because Lup seems to be looking for an excuse to argue. “Let me know when you want to head out,” he adds, getting up. The crew have set up a camp and there’s plenty he can busy himself with away from the twins.

Their first early evening foray is instantly more successful. Taako is the first to spot a family of mongooses keeping an eye on them.

Lup points to an open space. “Let’s sit over there, let them observe us for a while. Maybe they’ll approach.”

The three of them sit and talk in low voices. The twins do the bulk of the speaking. Barry feels that weird included-but-not feeling that has underlined his social interactions for most of his life.

Suddenly, Taako grabs Barry’s wrist and lifts his chin to point over Barry’s shoulder. “They’re coming,” he whispers, excitement clear on his face.

Barry’s reaction is mixed. He feels truly included for the first time but knowing the animals are approaching from behind tilts that good feeling back down into dread. He fights to keep his posture from going tense and scaring the animals off.

A low series of chattering grunts comes from behind him and Barry fails to suppress the shiver that goes up his back at the sound coming from behind him. And then a tiny paw rests on his leg. A large golden mongoose is braced on his knee. The mongoose gives a high sound Barry can only think of as a giggle and then turns their head to the rest of the mongoose family still behind him. The golden mongoose must spread the word that they are trustworthy because the other four animals come join them.

From then on, Barry and the twins adjust their schedule to the more nocturnal cycle of the mongoose family. Every day they spend hours with them. They bring food and tradable items for the mongooses since the animals are giving up so much of their time to help the humans learn. When they return to camp in the middle of the night it’s with a giddy feeling of accomplishment. The three of them irritate the rest of the crew by speaking entirely in their new language. Taako is a quick wit in the grunting language and makes Barry, Lup, and the mongooses all laugh with his ridiculous comments.

“I think you’re the first comedian on the planet,” Barry tells him. There’s no word for comedian - not that they know of - so he combines the word the mongoose family gave Taako as a name and the word for that high giggle the mongooses do sometimes.

Taako grins, immediately understanding Barry’s intent. “I have many skills,” he tells the five mongooses, delighted.

Barry sees Lup glance at him but the expression on her face isn’t clear. It’s enough to remind him of his intention to give her space. Barry excuses himself from the gathering and moves away from the group to sit on his own. He pulls out a journal and works on the notes he’s been making on the language. It’s hard phonetically spelling the grunts with the many differentiations the sounds can have but he’s trying to document it all.

“Why sit separate?” a small voice asks.

Barry looks up and sees the golden mongoose - whose name means something like ‘Embrace’ - has approached him. Beyond Embrace, Barry can see the twins and the rest of the mongoose family talking. The twins are lying on their stomachs with their feet crossed in the air behind them, their chins propped on their hands as they laugh and grunt out answers to the mongooses’ questions.

“Hey,” Barry greets the mongoose. “I just came over here to work.” He tucks his pen into the notebook and closes it. “Can I ask you something, Embrace?”

She nods and grunts an affirmative. The mongoose family has picked up nodding and shaking heads from their time with the ‘two-legs’ as they’ve called the crew. There are bipedal animals here but they are referred to with names the animals already have, like the many different birds or the marsupials they’ve heard about. All of the crew are ‘two-legs’ with no differentiation between elf, human, gnome, and dwarf.

“How did you join this family?” he asks. Embrace is larger than the others and her golden fur is thicker, more tufted. The rest of the mongoose family have dark fur. They are smaller, sleek with faces more pointed than Embrace’s less angled snout.

“I am Embrace!” the mongoose answers. Her grunts have the sharpness they have learned means an emotional emphasis. “They Embrace!”

Barry’s eyebrows draw together, confused. “Sorry, I don’t…” he spreads his hands. It’s another gesture the mongooses have learned to translate from the two-legs.

Embrace pulls her head down and is quiet. After a moment she explains, “Embrace is take in. Embrace is accept.”

“Adopt!” Barry says in Common, understanding at last. Using the animal language again he asks, “They _embrace_ you - made you part of the family?”

“Yes!” Embrace answers, stretching her neck out again and nodding. “Like those two-legs with you. You are embrace also.”

“What?” Barry asks. “No, they…”

“Yes,” Embrace argues. “You are two-legs but different two-legs than them. They embrace you.”

  


The time passes quicker as their understanding of the language improves. They spend their time asking and answering questions so the two cultures can learn about one another. Eventually they learn the light of creation is far to the west with the three great animal rulers. So nine months after landing the whole crew heads to the Royal Court, hoping to convince the royal beasts to give them the light.

The problem with this plan is Magnus. Their security officer is a little too enthusiastic at the prospect of confronting the being referred to as the Power Bear. He’s spent months training and checking over the ship and now that he has a goal he can’t be slowed down. Davenport and Barry beg, “Magnus, please don’t fight the Power Bear.”

Magnus is determined to fight the Power Bear.

He didn’t quite count on the bear being two stories tall.

The court of the royal animals - the Bear of Power, the Owl of Wisdom, and the Wolf of Instinct - is very different than the places they’ve seen so far on the planet. The royal court and the city surrounding it is a settlement built by tools.

Magnus doesn’t fight the Power Bear but his disrespect earns him a fight with a bear from the audience attending the royal court. Even at a more traditional bear size, this animal is much larger than Magnus. For a terrible moment, Barry is certain they are going to witness the brutal death of their security officer for his offense.

Magnus is a very skilled fighter, though. He uses his smaller size against the weight and momentum of the attacking bear to overthrow it. After a brief, vicious brawl, Magnus is able to subdue the bear. The Power Bear is impressed.

The Power Bear takes on Magnus for training and for the last few months of their first year away from their home planet, he studies with the Bear - fighting and learning the meaning of strength.

Almost exactly a year after their arrival in this plane, they return to the royal court. The Bear, Owl, and Wolf argue about giving them the light of creation.

Then a familiar darkness descends. The motionless storm they last saw before launching from their home planet has found this place as well. Tendrils of that darkness reach down everywhere they see. Right in front of them, in mid argument, one of these shadowy columns of force strikes the royal beasts.

Davenport calls for them to retreat to the ship. Everything is chaos. The city around them boils with animals fleeing for cover. Shadowy attackers block their escape. Lup is the first of the crew to destroy one of these shades.

Lucretia is hit by one of the incomprehensibly shaped beings of shadow. Barry drags her onto the ship behind Merle, Davenport, and Taako. Lup follows them aboard, firing off fireballs to cover their escape.

They launch.

“Where’s Magnus?” Lucretia asks. “We have to wait for Magnus!” Only six of them have made it onto the ship.

“He didn’t…” Barry tries to answer. The words are difficult to form. “He was helping the animals.” He saw Magnus fall in the distance as Barry helped Lucretia. Magnus had fought off several of the shadowy attackers before being overwhelmed.

Davenport takes the ship up. He dodges the black columns reaching down to attack and devour everything they touch.

They’ve lost again. This dark storm has taken another world, another plane, another whole planar system. Magnus. Embrace. The royal beasts. The mongoose family. Every creature they’d spent the last year getting to know.

 _Magnus_. All gone.

All Barry can think of is that beautiful golden mongoose with her paw on his leg. Embrace making him feel part of something for the first time. Embrace, who saw it before he did, that he had been embraced by this strange group of people. Embrace who he’d not said goodbye to. Magnus had chosen to stay and try to help and what had he done? They had left them all.

It’s too much to consider. Embrace. Magnus. All of the animals. Like their homeworld, gone.

The ship continues to ascend. The barrier that prevented their attempt to leave a year ago has become tenuous again and they pass through, leaving the planar system as it is consumed.

 

And then time stops.

Strands of light wrap around the ship and each of them. The white threads catch in the bond engine and they are stitched together. Their positions are shifted.

When time moves again they are remade. Whole. Magnus is returned. He has a black eye. Merle has a cut on his forehead. Lucretia’s injury from the attack as they fled back to the ship is gone.

Once again, there are seven of them.


	7. Different Kinds of Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is overwhelmed.

Magnus is alive. They are reset. A new plane. A new cycle.

Their next few cycles are spent learning the rules of their new existence. They descend into a new planar system. They search for a habitable planet. For two days they try to figure out the new world where they will spend the year. When the light of creation appears they try to find it and collect it. 

In those first few years running from what they eventually call the Hunger, they learn how to truly rely on each other. And Barry is proud to be one of them. He pushes himself ceaselessly, trying to make himself worthy of this crew and their new mission. Tries to make himself worthy of the losses they suffer. Always, Barry has the thought of the crew in his head. Always with the memory of Embrace and her patient understanding and acceptance driving him to do more, do better.

There is so much to accomplish in the worlds and planes they explore. There are languages to learn and data to collect and the ever important search for the light of creation. Barry is good at pushing aside his feelings to focus on the work. Until he isn’t.

The day it catches up with him is a handful of cycles since they left their home world. 

Barry isn’t sure what starts it. It’s been coming for weeks, though. This cycle is tough. They are not welcomed among any of the people of this plane. Barry has nothing to offer offensively so he spends his days in the lab while the others go out into this new world to talk and sometimes fight. Every day he feels more useless, more a drain on the crew and their constant struggle.

He is sitting in the lab cataloging the results of his latest experiment; comparing assorted samples from various distances from and time exposed to the light of creation. They’ve only managed to collect it once so far. But they’d been able to take lots of samples. He’s hoping to find a way they can track the light based on the way it affects samples.

Then suddenly it all feels so pointless. Everyone he’s ever known beyond his crewmates is dead. And the forever dead not the pseudo dead Magnus had been when the Hunger overcame him on that first cycle. Not the temporarily dead that Merle had been when he’d gotten too close to the edge of a ravine the cycle after that.

All his careful comparison of cell structure from these stupid samples - how is that supposed to fucking save them? How is his stupid  _ science  _ going to save his crewmates? What can these experiments do in the face of entire planes lost, trailed out behind them? Why is Embrace gone while he remains? So many consumed and he is still here, still sitting at a lab desk. What is he  _ doing? _

That’s when Lup comes in, bringing him a mug of soup because he hadn’t come up for lunch like usual. Barry tries to compose himself. The detached part of him knows letting himself wallow isn’t going to improve the situation but he can’t reason away his feelings.

Lup had noticed his absence and brought him food. It isn’t just the kind gesture of Lup’s soup delivery but the fact that if he can’t save them then he can’t save her and dammit, he’s crying. He’s crying and she’d just brought him soup not signed up to be his therapist. Now he’s embarrassed and ashamed and fuck, now he’s crying harder.

Lup doesn’t say a word. She just pulls one of the stools closer and settles beside him, her hand gently resting on his arm rubbing back and forth reassuringly as he cries.

Something inside him breaks under the simple kindness of her reaction. Barry buckles under the weight of his sadness, perceived shortcomings, and inability to guarantee the safety of these people he has come to care so much about. 

After a long moment he regains control of himself. He pushes his glasses out of the way to scrub at his eyes with the heel of his hands. Lup hands him a tissue and when his red, puffy eyes met her eyes he almost starts crying again at the look of concern and understanding written clearly on her face.

“Sorry,” he starts to explain. “I…”

“No,” she interrupts. “It’s okay.” She smooths the sleeve of his robe where she has been rubbing his arm then folds her hands in her lap. “I get really emotional about soup sometimes, too. Usually because Merle has been cooking. But I promise he didn’t make this.”

A surprised but still phlegmy laugh erupts from Barry and he blows his nose again.

Lup stands up and moves the few steps toward the door before she turns back to speak again. “But, really, don’t apologize. This is a shitty gig sometimes and it gets to you. But we’ll get it eventually.”

Barry nods gratefully and Lup smiles, pats the door frame a few times then leaves. 

Barry looks at the empty doorway for a few moments. Then, with a sigh, he turns and gets back to work. He has a crew - a family - relying on him to do his part. He can do this for them. He can do this for Lup.

 

It’s a few days before a new idea takes hold of him. What if science and research weren’t all he had to offer?

He knows he’s magic sensitive. He doesn’t know if that will translate to him being able to  _ use _ magic. If he could learn, though? He could make himself more useful, be more than the nerd in the lab comparing slides. The science is important work but the immediate safety of the crew comes first.

Barry sits on his idea for a few days, trying to decide who to approach about it. It’s actually quite obvious who he needs to go to with his plan but he’s reluctant.

It’s the thought of Embrace that steels him enough to approach Taako. If he can use magic he could help more than just the crew. He might make a difference for the people and creatures on the planes they visit as well.

“Hey, um, Taako,” he asks as Taako is working in the kitchen one afternoon. “I, um…” He’d rehearsed what he was going to say but now he’s too nervous and the words have disappeared.

Taako glances over his shoulder at him but doesn’t interrupt. The uncharacteristic patience from the elf gives Barry the courage to continue.

“I was, uh, wondering if you could, um,” Barry stops and swallows, willing the words to come smoother. “Taako, do you think you could try teaching me magic?”

Taako straightens and turns around, wooden spoon still in his hand. “Barold, do you want to be a wizard?” Taako’s ears are standing high and his eyes are wide as he looks at Barry.

“Well, I, uh, I don’t know if I even can,” Barry begins, staring down at his hands as he speaks. “But if I can learn even a spell or two I could be, uh, more useful maybe.”

Taako leans back against the counter and crosses his arms, the wooden spoon in his hand spinning as the elf twists it thoughtfully. “Sure,” he answers after a long pause. “I think you should be able to pick it up,” he adds, turning back to stir whatever he’s cooking. “Easier than teaching you to cook, certainly,” he jokes, his tone light. “After dinner?” he suggests.

Barry sags with relief. Taako had not just agreed to help but thought it would be possible. “Sure, sounds good,” Barry agrees. “And, uh, thanks, Taako.”

Taako waves the spoon over his shoulder without turning around. “I said it would be easier than teaching you to cook,” he points out. “But it won’t be easy.” 

Barry has just turned to leave the room when he hears Taako quietly add, “It’s a good plan, though.” 

After dinner that night, Barry helps the twins clean up. After everything is squared away, Taako looks at Lup. “I’d say we go groundside but I don’t trust this plane enough to blow spell slots. Or catch attention of anyone watching for magic.”

Lup nods and turns to study Barry. He hadn’t really expected Lup to be involved but now that seems foolish of him. The twins do everything together. He pushes down his nerves and reminds himself that having both of them help is certainly worth whatever uncomfortableness it presents.

“The deck should be fine for now,” she decides and heads in that direction. Taako follows and Barry trails behind them both, hoping he won’t regret this idea.

 

“Have you had any magic training?” Lup asks. “Any classes when you were a kid?”

Barry shakes his head. “It never came up,” he explains. “Nothing ever, uh, manifested?”

“Good,” Lup says with a smile. “Nothing to untrain then. When Taako and I taught ourselves… Well, there weren’t a lot of options. But it meant we had a lot of habits and mistakes to train out later.”

“Speak for yourself,” Taako interrupts.

Lup glances at her brother but continues. “Between Koko and I, we should be able to squash anything that gets out of control. But before we show you how to start, let’s talk about how to stop.” 

“There are a few theories on the best way to cancel a spell. You can try them and find the one that works best for you. Eventually it will become instinctual.”

For the next half hour the twins explain the different ways to stop a spell. Barry listens carefully. He’s attended many seminars on lab safety over the years. He understands the importance of being prepared.

“If one method appeals to you more, go with that one first. Decide now so you’re ready.”

“Okay,” he agrees. “The dissolve method makes the most sense to me, just, uh, instinctually. Then the flattening wall, then the starvation shield.”

“Alright, then we’ll know to look for the methods in that order. We could try to have you put out one of our spells but… actually, let’s try it anyway. I’ll try a cantrip flame and you try to put it out.”

She holds her hand aloft and a small fire appears in her palm. 

Barry looks at the fire and imagines the magic around it dissolving away, draining the power from the spell. The flame fades slightly then springs back.

“Barold!” Taako shouts, “That’s excellent!”

Barry doesn’t look away from the flame as he responds. “It didn’t go out, though” 

“Try again,” Lup instructs. “Wall method.”

This time he imagines a wall of magic squashing out her magic. Her flame is almost entirely guttered.

Taako whoops. “Al _ right _ Barold!”

Lup nods. “Once more, try starving it out this time though.” 

When her flame is back to normal he imagines a bubble contracting down around it, cutting it off and starving it from her magic. It flickers, but stays lit.

“Wow,” Lup says, “That’s awesome.”

“I didn’t really make it go out at all, though!” Barry protests.

“Barry," Taako says, "You’re like, level  _ zero _ right now and you had an effect all three times on someone else’s magic. That’s…” 

“Amazing,” Lup finishes for him. “Barold, I think you can do magic.”


	8. Fitting In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More magic lessons and a visit to an art museum.

The twins continue to help Barry with the basics of spellcasting. They seem far more impressed with his ability and progress than he does.

After a few weeks of lessons, Merle confronts him.

“Hey, Barry-boy, I hear you’re tryin’ to become a caster,” the dwarf greets him one morning.

“Uh, yeah, Taako and Lup have been trying to teach me,” Barry admits, trying to will his face not to turn the color of his robe. “So maybe I can be more useful for missions and all that.”

“Didja think about healing?”

“Oh, um, I was going to ask once I had the basics down. But I don’t think it’s going to well so far.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I dunno, I just… I don’t, uh, I don’t think I’m much good at it.”

“Well, the twins seemed impressed when I heard ‘em talkin about it,” Merle says, his voice confused.

“Really?” Barry asks. “They were just being nice, probably.”

Merle just gives Barry a long look. “Well maybe give me an hour or two this afternoon before those two turn you full wizard, okay?”

Barry is surprised but having a second healer would certainly help the crew. “Sure, Merle. After lunch okay? Later on I’m supposed to work with them more.”

Merle nods and finishes his mug of whatever he’s brewed for himself this morning. “That’ll be fine,” he agrees.

Magnus and Davenport have returned from their latest mission so it’s the full crew for lunch that day. The subject of his lessons comes up - much to Barry’s dismay.

“Figured I’d try and teach him the basics of healing,” Merle informs the group.

“Oh?” Taako asks, one eyebrow climbing towards his hairline. “And who’s going to teach you, old man?”

“Didn’t anyone ever tell ya not to piss off your healer?” Merle counters.

“Sure,” Taako agrees. “And if I ever meet one, I’ll keep that in mind.”

By the time the meal is over the whole crew have decided to attend his lesson. Even Magnus - who will barely be able to follow what happens since he lacks even basic magic perception - comes up to watch.

As they gather on the deck, Barry’s nerves are beginning to take over. He’s only had a handful of lessons, what are they expecting from him?

“Hey, Merle. Before you get started why don’t you cast Light on something?” Lup suggests.

Merle squints a confused look at her then gives Barry a glance.”Okay,” he agrees. He casts the spell on the mug he’d brought out with him. Once the mug is glowing with a strong, clear light, he sets it down.

“Show him, Barry,” Taako prompts.

Barry frowns and looks at the mug. He’s never managed to snuff out Lup’s flame entirely. With Merle’s glowing light the effect will probably be even less impressive. But he does as instructed, using what has become his favored method: imagining a wall of magic steadily squashing out Merle’s Light. The light on the cup fades to a minor glow but still obviously lit even in the daylight.

Barry shrugs. “I still can’t do more than mute it a little,” he explains.

“What the hell!” Merle says in response. He eyes Lup and Taako. “How did you two teach him that?”

Lup smirks. “We didn’t. We were giving him the starter lesson and preparing him to be able to cancel his own magic if something went wrong. Just for the hell of it we had him try the cancels on my flame. He was able to manage something with all three methods.”

“Holy shit,” Davenport comments quietly.

Barry looks around at everyone who is staring at the mug then him with an impressed eye. Everyone except Magnus, that is.

“So,” Magnus says. “He made it glow less and that’s good?”

“Hell yeah, that’s good,” Merle answers. “‘Cancels’ are intended to interrupt your own magic. Most people can’t use them on another caster’s magic.”

“There are counterspells, dispel magic…” Lucretia begins.

“But Barold’s not using ‘em,” Taako interrupts. “Haven’t taught him that yet. You _saw_ what he did, ‘Creesh.”

“I know,” she agrees quietly.

“I don’t get what the big deal is,” Barry argues. “It’s not like I put it out.”

“No,” Davenport tells him. “But with next to no training you minimized another caster’s magic.”

“A much higher level caster, too, I might add!” Merle interjects. “It was just a measly Light spell but…”

“You never had training?” Lucretia asks.

“Just what Taako and Lup have done,” Barry answers.

“They were right. You’ve been holding out on us,” Merle says. “Well, let’s get you mastering some healing spells, then, bud.”

 

For all the build up of the demonstration, Barry isn’t able to manage any of the healing spells Merle tries to show him.

“Well, hell,” Merle says, giving up. “Looks like ya won’t be a cleric.”

“Try something else, Merle.” Davenport says. “Another basic spell that’s not healing but not for wizards.”

Merle’s face scrunches up as he considers. “Okay, how about Command, then? That’s just clerics, paladins, and bards.”

They work though the basics of the spell. Magnus becomes their test subject and after a little explanation Barry Commands Magnus to stand. Instantly Mags rises from the chair he’d been perched in.

“Hey!” Magnus complains as his body moves without his direction.

Merle snorts a laugh. “Yer not a wizard, Barry.”

For an hour the group go through different spells, trying to work out what class Barry fits into. Everything they throw at him other than healing spells he’s able to replicate to some degree of success.

“What the hell class _are_ you Barold?” Taako asks.

“Do I have to pick one?” Barry asks. “Can’t I just learn it all?”

Lup laughs. “Knowing you? You will.”

 

After that, Barry gets magic lessons from everyone except Magnus. After a few months he’s useful enough to be added to the rotation for excursions. They all swear he’s learning quickly, gaining power much faster than the usual curve. All Barry can think is that they need every advantage they can scrape together. He just wants to do his part.

 

Between her comfort during his breakdown and her patient work with and pride in him during the magic lessons, that cycle is when Barry stops lying to himself about the crush he has been quietly harboring for Lup since the Founder’s party.

He can’t stop himself from feeling it but he resolves to keep it tightly under wraps and unknown to anyone else.

Lup is beautiful, of course. Both of the twins are luminously, breathtakingly beautiful.

But there are so many other things that sew her into his heart.

She’s hilarious. Even after years traveling with these same people, seeing them day in and day out, she’s the one he can never predict what she’ll say or do. Like everyone chosen by the Institute she’s also brilliant and talented.

She is so determined. Nothing stops her or even seems slow her down. Once her mind is made up she won’t cease, won’t be dissuaded. And while the whole crew help him with magic lessons Lup will drop by with a remembered technique or a found book that might help. When he makes mistakes she corrects him but never makes him feel worse about his failures. Her encouragement keeps him going when he is frustrated.

And she is quietly, inconspicuously kind. Everything else about her is so dynamic and unmistakable. But her kindness is subtle and unobtrusive. Like bringing him soup and rubbing his arm while he cried then comforting him afterwards.

She helps Merle prepare soil for new vegetation samples even though the rest of them try to avoid the dwarf when he’s with his plants. When Taako teases her about it she just shrugs and says she doesn’t mind and someone needs to get to the higher shelves.

She barters one of her favorite bracelets for more blank journals for Lucretia then leaves them anonymously in the chronicler’s berth. Barry only knew she did that because he’d seen her in the little craftsman market and later seen the bookbinder she’d been dealing with wearing the familiar bracelet.

She gets up early to train with Magnus when their security officer is antsy because he hasn’t gotten to exert himself enough even though everyone knows getting up early is pretty much the worst kind of torture for either of the twins.

She jokes with Taako a certain way when he is in a Mood™ and she is literally the only one that can get him out of it.

And then there’s the way she stands on the bridge, the wind tossing her hair wildly as she listens endlessly to Davenport’s stories about his early days training to be a pilot or the magic his silver baby can weave in the air.

 

Between the day with the soup and then the magic lessons that follow, the air between them seems cleared. He’s certain of the fact when she surprises him at dinner one night. She hands out plates to everyone and when his has macaroni and cheese, he politely declines.

“I can’t have that, Lup,” he says sadly. “It looks delicious, though.”

“I know about the dairy thing, Barold, and you _can_ have this. In fact, you better. I, uh, accidentally bought a bunch of it. It was cheaper than the regular stuff when I was buying supplies.”

“Uh, Lulu, that’s not...” Taako begins before Lup cuts him a look. “Nevermind,” he says with a smirk. “My mistake.”

“This is fake cheese?” Magnus asks around a mouthful of the stuff. He continues chewing and swallows. “It’s really fuckin’ good!”

“Yup,” Lup agrees. She pushes the plate towards Barry again. “Trust me.”

The dish _is_ delicious but it could have tasted like dirt and he’d have still been pleased. She’d made it especially for him.

 

All of the crew have learned to get along but Lup’s quiet compassion is a beacon Barry can’t look away from. More than anything he wants to provide the same for her.

And he tries. He works in secret to make a bracelet like the one she bartered away and waits patiently for a world he can claim to ‘find’ it on. When he gives it to her he is offhanded about it and just tells her, “It reminded me of that one you lost a while back.” He’s not brave enough to meet her eyes in case the lie is obvious. But he sees her wearing it sometimes, idly spinning it while she’s lost in thought and for a moment all the struggle and hardship they endure seems worth it.

 

After the constant struggles of the mushroom planet and the different but equally awful five cycles that follow it, they have a minor level of relief the following cycle. This planet has familiar technology and civilizations. They have to bargain for the light of creation but their early meetings seem promising. In the meantime the crew has downtime and a place to spend that time.

Lucretia heads out in search of a library. Magnus, Merle, and Davenport have all disappeared to their own plans as well.

“Well, cha’boy is gonna go have a meal he didn’t have to cook,” Taako announces with a meaningful look to Lup.

She shrugs. “Yeah, sure. Barold, you gonna go nerd it up someplace?” Her tone is teasing but light. There’s no malice to it.

“I guess,” he says, color appearing in his cheeks automatically. “I think I’m gonna find an art museum, actually. Ever since the year with with mushrooms I've just wanted to wander around and look at nice things for a while, you know?”

“Huh,” Lup says, tapping a finger against her chin. “That sounds good, actually. Why don’t we all do both? Art museum and then restaurant?”

Taako rolls his eyes but agrees, “Fine.” He crosses his arms and demands, “But none of that one blue square or paint splatter shit. There better be sculptures of handsome boys. _Naked_ sculptures of handsome boys.”

“I agree,” Lup adds.

Both of them look at Barry.

“I don’t… I don’t even know if there _is_ and art museum here much less if it has...”

“No excuses, Barold,” Taako interrupts, looking more interested in the plan. “Let’s go find some marble asses to ogle.”

 

There is, in fact, an art museum. For a few hours the three of them wander its halls. The twins are satisfied to find a whole section of aesthetically pleasing statues for them to rate and comment on. Before long, they’ve roped Barry into participating.

Barry finds himself spending as much time watching the twins - watching _Lup_ \- as he does looking at the art on display.

“Hey, Barry, c’mere,” Lup demands, grabbing his hand to haul him through the room. “I found a painting that looks just like you.”

Barry frowns, expecting the worst. They’ve just come through a room that seemed filled with bloated buffoons holding glasses of liquor up. He hadn’t known painting foolish drunks had been an entire movement in art.

She stops in a quiet corner. A small painting shows a man that does look a bit like him. He’s wearing a blue suit and standing on a terrace with a picnic basket spread out beside him. The man has no glasses, no bluejeans, no leering, drunken grin. None of the things Barry was afraid he’d find. But the figure is not a caricature. The man in the painting is a middle aged human with pale skin and round cheeks. But mostly he just seems like a quiet man lost in thought.

Lup smiles at him, “Just like you, don’t ya think?”

Barry smiles back. “Thanks, Lup.”

 

“The one with the trident was my favorite,” Lup decides as they leave.

“With hermit crabs in his beard?” Taako asks. “ _No, thank you_. Fool around with that guy and you’re in for a real unpleasant surprise.”

“Good ass, though,” Lup argues.

“Sure, sure,” Taako agrees. “But not good enough to overlook hidden beard claws is what I’m saying.” He throws an arm over Lup’s shoulder. “Well, you _know_ Taako’s favorite.”

Barry laughs. “I think the security guard asking you to please not fondle the statuary did tip us off a bit,” he says.

“Psssh,” Taako scoffs. “He was jealous is all.”

“What about you, Barry?” Lup asks.

“Oh, um, I liked The Mourner,” he tells them.

Taako makes a face. “Are you kidding? All you could see was hood and cloak. Could have been bigfoot under there for all you know.”

Barry blushes. “I just thought it was, uh, interesting. The carved fabric of the robe and all?”

“I can see it,” Lup says.

Taako looks back and forth between both of them. “Yeah, ooooookay, sure,” he says dismissively. “Well since neither of you have any taste you get no say in where we eat. It’s all Taako’s choice now.”

Lup ducks out from under his arm and throws her own arm around him, knocking his hat off. The two of them wrestle playfully for a few steps before Taako realizes his hat has fallen. “Time out! Man down!” he calls.

It’s been a dozen cycles since Barry sat with these two in a field and learned the animal language from a family of mongooses. It’s the first time he really feels what the golden mongoose had seen. He really has been embraced by them.


	9. Silica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tiered capital city inhabited by robots and a beach world inhabited by seven crew members for a single year.

It’s another year where the light is impossible to recover when they explore the tiered ruins of a capital city where a disaster has decimated the population. 

Barry spends his time surveying the city, taking apart abandoned machinery to see if there’s something he can learn from the unfamiliar workings. This world combines technology and magic in ways he’s never seen. Thanks to the magic lessons he’s had, he can understand a surprising amount.

One afternoon, Lup approaches him with a small robot awkwardly cradled in her long brown arms. It jostles and squirms and she murmurs to it like a lost kitten. Flecks of something dripping from the mechanical avatar join the constellation of freckles on her skin like a map to a place they may one day travel. 

“Shh, shh,” she tells it, “This is who I was telling you about. He’s going to fix you.” 

Looking up at Barry she asks, “They have something caught in their gears, I think. Will you help?”

And of course he will, he’d do anything she asked of him. He nods, so pleased she has come to him with the problem that he can’t find words to reply. He digs out his tools while Lup settles the robot on the makeshift workbench he’s been using. She hops up on the surface beside the bot and tucks one leg beneath her.

“What’s up, little one?” he asks the mechanically bound spirit.

There’s a whir and an obviously not-right grinding.

“Okay, I need to open you up to check,” he says and reaches out. Instantly he’s shocked and yanks back his hand with a surprised and unflattering yelp.

For a moment he’s worried he’s somehow shorted something on the bot. But as he watches, the lights on the robot brighten and dim and he has the distinct impression he’s being teased.

“Okay, that was fun,” he says, then asks, “Can we try again?” A moment passes and the little bot doesn’t move so Barry takes this as agreement. This time he manages to find the opening mechanism and is concentrating on figuring out how to loosen it when he’s shocked again.

“Oh my golly-molly!” Barry half shouts, sticking his fingers in his mouth.

This time it is crystal clear. The robot is laughing. And so is Lup. She supresses her laugh down to a grin when he looks at her but he can’t stop himself from smiling back.

He rummages for the flashlight he’d seen earlier with his tools. “Maybe you can hold my light for me so I can see better,” he asks when suddenly there is light.

“Barold,” she chides. “Remember magic?”

He looks up to see Lup holding a dancing flame aloft. “Oh, yeah,” he says with an embarrassed laugh. “Or that works.”

He goes back to his task and every time he becomes absorbed in what he’s doing he gets another  _ zap _ . Every time his concentration slips to the elf watching silently beside him, _ bzzt _ .

And each time he is startled completely, resulting in a ridiculous exclamation or humiliating squeak of surprise.

And each time the elf and robot crackle with amusement and Lup’s firelight wavers as she shakes with laughter.

Barry’s so glad to be a contributor to Lup’s joy that he doesn’t even care. Eventually he finishes repairing the robot who flashes and whirs with what Barry chooses to interpret as appreciation. Then the robot jumps down off the table and ambles away.

Barry is suddenly aware of the sweat on his forehead. Lup’s flame, he tells himself, wiping his temple, it's just the heat from Lup’s flame.

Lup is still smiling but it’s a different expression than her earlier enjoyment. She looks at the flame swirling from her fingers as if she’d forgotten it was there, watches it for a moment before extinguishing the fire.

Her stone of far speech crackles with her twin’s voice. “Lulu? Are you coming back? ‘Cause cha’boy just found a fuckin’ stockpile. If you’re not coming back then…” his voice goes sing-song over the stone, “somebody’s gonna have to blow through a lot of ammo all alone!”

“Wait for me!” Lup interrupts into the stone. “I’ll be right there!”

Lup hops down from her perch and before either of them realize what is happening she drops a kiss on Barry’s hairline. “Thanks,” she tells him, and then she’s gone as quickly as the robot, leaving him bewildered and blushing.

The sweetness of it is something Barry clings to, a moment he hoards away in a tiny treasure pile of Lup memories he secrets away in his heart. Lup with the bracelet. Lup with the mac and cheese. Lup in the elevator. Lup with the robot. 

 

It’s also the year that the group has their biggest argument. Lup is the one that pulls them back, reminds them of the people they want to be. It’s a showdown Barry isn’t present for. He stays with the ship while the rest go to check out a mysterious power source.

When the six of them return from their investigation, the energy between them is strained. It’s obvious even to Barry. They gather and no one speaks for a while. Barry steals glances at each of them, trying to work out what has happened between them all.

Lup is the one that breaks the silence. From her words Barry can surmise a few details - a decision was made and Lup has stood up to the rest of the group. It will be weeks before he understands the situation better but in this moment he knows he is proud of her if only for the speech she gives them. Because she takes them all - six different people with six different personalities who have faced a choice and almost chosen wrong - and she unites them again. Barry is with them as they all agree to keep one another from letting it happen again, from letting  _ worse _ happen.

 

A few cycles later the crew receive a gift. They find the Light of Creation quickly and easily and enjoy a nearly carefree year on the beach. 

Everyone has been careful around each other since the scene at the end of that year in the ruined city of robots. Or maybe they were being careful of themselves. They had faced a test of what they stood for… and nearly failed. For all the struggles they had faced and the very real and constant threat of annihilation chasing them, that moment had nearly redefined them in ways they’d never considered. They hadn’t spoken about it as a group since Lup’s speech and their promise to keep each other from coming so close to that kind of darkness again but Barry knows it still weighs on all of them.

For the first few weeks Barry mostly sits back and watches his friends as they enjoy this year. When Barry finally decides to claim a part of it, he knows just what he has to do.

Knowing what to do isn’t the same as finding the courage to do it though. He  _ knows _ in that gut-instinct way he will be forced to rely on in decades to come, that Taako is the one he needs to ask for help.

He watches Taako teach himself to surf and envies the way the elf is graceful even in his failures. 

The last thing he wants is to approach Taako for help. It’s just so  _ embarrassing _ . He’s a grown man who can’t swim. He’s a grown man who will have to ask the elf currently styling himself as some demigod of the waves for help. He’s a grown man who - if Taako agrees - will have to haul his completely unathletic form into the water beside Taako’s shining example of aquatic grace.

But finally the insistent voice inside wins and he asks Taako for help. Taako doesn’t tease him or make his request any more difficult than it has to be. He just  _ agrees. _

And Barry is  _ bad _ at it. But Taako is patient and eventually it becomes their routine. Every morning they go out. Taako surfs and then they swim and it’s just  _ nice. _

The months pass by and the “mental health year” Davenport had suggested works away at the tensions they’ve all accumulated in twenty years struggling against the Hunger and against their own worst selves. 

Barry becomes comfortable in the water, perhaps even good. 

For all the dread Barry had at asking Taako for help, the truly mortifying part comes when Barry tries to thank the elf. In his traditionally Barry way he gets nervous and his words get away from him. Before he knows what is happening he’s accidentally admitted his crush on Lup to the only person he’d less want to admit it to than Lup herself. Or maybe Merle would be worse. But it would be close. 

Barry is busy wishing for the earth to swallow him up and save him from finishing the conversation or worse, from seeing Taako look at him in… what would it be? Pity? Embarrassment for the sad, silly man in love with his amazing, beautiful sister? But Taako doesn’t laugh at him. He doesn’t act like it’s ridiculous or even a surprise. He might even be said to encourage Barry. Barry is so surprised he isn’t sure how to handle it.

Taako doesn’t push the issue, he just tells him, “You know, we’ve lost a lot and there’s a lot more we might lose but the one thing we do have is the thing that people in love rarely ever have enough of, and it’s time.”

“Oh, I…” Barry protests. “I don’t know about… You know, I don’t know about ‘in love.’ It’s only been tw… Um, twenty one years.” Barry pauses as the number really settles on him. “Shit,” he finishes ineloquently.

Their situation has made it possible to forget how the flow of time has mostly missed them for the last two decades. They aren’t aging, aren’t fading. Twenty years isn’t a big deal for some of them but for Barry? In the normal flow of events he’d be nearing the end of his road. It’s a sobering thought after becoming accustomed to the near promise of more tomorrows, more chances, strung out ahead as long as they could survive to escape the planar system at the end of each year. What if his tomorrows were limited again? What if he wasted all his opportunities believing he’d always have more?

Then faster than any of them would like, their year is ending. They throw one last beach party. Taako cooks. Davenport shares the last of his squirreled away wine from some previous world. Lucretia shows them a portrait she’s made of them all together, happy, thriving, looking like the best versions of themselves, looking like the family they’ve become. Merle tries to gift them more of his dubious creations. Magnus takes a final opportunity to jump each of them. With the conversation with Taako still swirling in Barry’s head, Magnus easily surprises him. Magnus startles Barry so badly that he flails forward, his glasses flying.

Then Lup is there. Lup, who catches them before they can smash on the rocks. Lup, who hands them to Barry wordlessly and something changes. When Barry puts the glasses back on he sees clearer than ever. 


	10. Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old fear returns.

It’s dark. So dark. Barry doesn’t understand how this new planar system seems to be a different kind of dark than he’s ever dealt with.

This is a dark he can feel on his skin. It’s a dark that makes it hard to push the air in and out of his lungs. It’s a dark that sets his teeth on edge.

It’s a dark full of sounds he can’t place.

Taako - he thinks it’s Taako right now - is holding onto a handful of his robe. The bunch of fabric at his shoulder is reassuring. The twins both have dark vision so they aren’t as handicapped in this world as he is. They’ve taken turns keeping a hand on him. He’s more grateful than he can find words to explain.

“On the right,” Taako says, low and urgent. And yes, it’s Taako with a fistful of his robe at the moment because it’s his voice right behind him as he pulls Barry to the left at the same time he speaks.

“Damn,” Lup says, just ahead of them, her voice quiet as well. The darkness seems to demand that kind of reverence, as if noise were disrespectful.

Noise might also attract more of those… things.

When the three of them left the ship it had been light out. A thin and watery light, sure, but compared to this? The dark fell fast, far quicker than it had from the ship while they were waiting for the light of creation to appear. It would be a fascinating phenomenon to examine if he weren’t so terrified.

Because he is. Barry is terrified. It’s like the moments at the end of a cycle when they are confronted anew by the hunger only this just stays at that horrible moment of _something awful is about to happen._

He’s never liked the dark. He knows it’s dumb, knows it’s something he should have outgrown. And mostly he had. He was four when they hid in the root cellar during the tornado. It’s been more than seven decades since he and his mother were trapped for two days under a collapsed house. His memories of that time were never perfect, just a lingering impression of dark, dark, dark, and terrible sounds. Some of the sounds would have been the tornado. Some of the sounds would have been the destroyed house settling. Some of the sounds would have been their rescuers. And certainly, some of the sounds would have simply been the nightmares and imagination of a child.

But it doesn’t change the fact that this kind of oppressive dark makes Barry feel trapped and helpless. Even now with a quarter century of magic training to his name, he feels defenseless and small.

Summoning light or fire only alerts _them_ \- those terrible swooping presences they’ve managed to narrowly avoid - so they’ve been relying solely on the twin’s darkvision.

It doesn’t help that he hasn’t had to experience true dark since living on the Starblaster. As long as the bond engine is running - and it is always, constantly spinning - the lights throughout the ship cycle to mimic the day/night outside. Even on the darkest night, though, the lights only turn down so low. His eyesight, poor even in terms of the inferior sight humans have compared to other races, always has enough light to make out his surroundings.

This darkness claws at him. It pushes his heart rate fast and spiky. It makes his breath come fast, makes him pant fearfully after he holds his breath to listen for the sound of them or simply to quiet the noise he is making.

“I’m holding you two back,” he says for what must be the tenth time. If they weren’t shepherding him they could handle all this so much easier. They wouldn’t have him making himself a noisy target between them. They could move faster. Their nimble, elven speed is held back by his plodding, middle-aged human pace.

“Shut up, Barry,” Taako says softly, his hand bunching tighter in Barry’s robe. “It’s not that much further now.”

Lup’s hand finds Barry’s, her fingers fit with his and she squeezes reassuringly. “We’re gonna be fine,” she tells him quietly.

She and Taako are distracted with this moment. Neither sees the thing swooping at them. Something enormous and _wrong_ hits Barry. Claws dig into him and he’s being pulled. Taako’s hold on him falters first. His fistful of clutched fabric isn’t as strong as Lup’s twined fingers. It had been for reassurance and guidance not to keep him from being pulled away.

Lup flares a flame from her free hand and shoves it at the thing. In the instant between utter darkness and blinding light Barry sees more of the thing that he’d ever want to. Its skin is an oily looking dark green. Thick orange talons are sunk into his chest. It is too close - too horrible - to know more than this.

Barry feels the thing’s grip on him give. He is dropped, stumbling then falling to the ground. Lup’s hold on him, pulled in a new direction, is strained again but still she does not let go.

The thing, now on the ground right beside them, shrieks again. The sound is deafening. Then they feel it launch up in the air again, the air from its wings pushing at them.

Barry can feel the wetness on his shirt, on his skin. His chest is on fire from the ragged holes the thing has left in him.

Lup must see the damage because she whispers a curse. Then she’s pulling at him again, “Get up,” she demands in a low, desperate voice. “Please get up, Barry.”

He struggles back to his feet, lurching drunkenly.

The shrieking calls overhead are louder now. They can hear more of them gathering, circling above.

“Taako,” Lup says. Her voice is hesitant as she continues, “you could run ahead, get to the ship. They could… they could distract these things somehow. Then I can get Barry back and we can take off.”

Taako is silent for a moment. When he answers, it’s only two words but his opinion of the plan is obvious. “Lulu, no.”

“There’s too many,” she says. “But if you run, you’d be there…”

Barry reaches up and pulls off his useless glasses. He squeezes Lup’s fingers then tugs his hand free, shoving his glasses into her grasp as he does. “So I have spares next time,” he tells her. His voice is calm now that he has a plan. “Go,” he tells them as she begins to protest, understanding his meaning. “Go!”

Barry stumbles back the way they’d come and he’s summoning his own spell this time. Light. Light is all he thinks as he moves, surrounded now by a strong, clear pool of light. “GO!” he shouts once more and then he’s forcing himself into a run. The wounds on his chest seem to pulse with the effort but the sense of them is fading. Light, he thinks again, and the circle of light surrounding him grows stronger. Strong enough to catch the attention of all of the gathering nightmares, he hopes.

He doesn’t make it far before he’s hit again. This time multiple creatures strike him, claws seem to come from every direction. The light surrounding him is fading. His last thought is that he hopes he bought Lup and Taako enough time.

 

 

 

The crew is stitched together in the infinite moment between planar systems. Six become seven again.

Barry has a moment between not existing and breathing once more. Then he is surrounded. The twins, Magnus, everyone hug him.

They release him and move back. Lup’s eyes go to his chest for a moment and Barry runs his hand over his shirt. The skin below the material is smooth, no seeping wounds from the claws of nightmare monsters.

“You’re an asshole, Barold,” Taako tells him mildly. “We could have gotten you back to the ship.”

Lup’s eyes stray back to his midsection again and he can read her expression as clearly as if words were printed on her head. No, they couldn’t have. She’d known it as well as he had yesterday… last year… when he made his move. He’d been bleeding too heavily. There’d been too many of the... things.

“You both made it?” He asks and if there’s a quaver in his voice they ignore it.

Lup nods. “But you were gone."

“I’m sorry,” he tells them - tells _her._

“Don’t make it a fucking habit,” she whispers as she turns away, moving out to the deck to get a look at whatever this new planar system has to offer.

 

 

 

That should have been it, he thinks. He took power over his situation. It was only for a moment but hadn’t he taken back control for himself?

It’s not enough, though. The nightmares have returned tenfold.

Two months have passed this cycle and he’s so exhausted he’s practically a zombie. At least they have the light. And there’s civilizations and supplies this year so there’s coffee aplenty. He’s shuffling through the hours half autopilot, half caffeine.

Every day he goes to the lab, sits with the light of creation. Every day he flounders his way through experiments and tests he can’t think clearly enough to focus on. Every day he feels more like he’s letting everyone down.

Every night he wakes up, heart pounding, eyes wide, hand going to his chest to check for wounds he’s sure will be there this time, wounds he’ll never fully escape. Every night it’s the image of the same or worse happening to Lup or Taako or the rest of the crew that terrifies him too much to close his eyes again.

There’s the old dream: trapped under the destroyed house as the tornado rages on eternally. But now it has mixed with a new nightmare: things in the dark, things that will kill all of them. They mix together until it’s him and Lup under the fallen house. It’s him and Lup in the dark and the terrible things are coming for them and they have nowhere to run.

Sometimes he can’t find her in the dark, can only hear the shrieks and feel the wind as the horrors fly around them somehow in the cramped space of the root cellar.

When he wakes up, he’s unable to face the images in his head again. He’s scraping by on two, maybe three hours of restless sleep. The lack of sleep and extreme caffeine make him jittery and even more nervous than usual but he’s just pushing himself, clawing through the days the best he can.

He’s nodding off during dinner. Davenport pats Barry’s shoulder as he leaves, alarming Barry into wakefulness. “You’re pushing yourself too much,” the captain tells him. “Don’t work so hard, get some sleep.” Barry simply nods. How can he explain a grown man so scared of the dark that even his closed eyes are too much now?

He’s barely coherent in the lab. Lup touches his arm gently, suggests he go rest and he startles into the kind of extreme alertness that makes his blood crash through his body and roar in his ears. “I’m fine,” he insists in a voice that’s too loud. “I’m fine,” he repeats in a shaky whisper.

It can’t continue.

“Barry.”

He doesn’t know how many times she’s said his name. More than once, he thinks. “Yeah, Lup?” he asks and his voice is a flat monotone. Exhaustion has stripped away everything nonessential. He’s been staring at the wall for longer than he can guess. There’s nothing left in him to try to cover it with a tone of voice.

“When’s the last time you slept?” Lup asks. She’s pulled her chair over close and the nearness of her voice surprises him.

His expression is blank, confused as he tries to work out the question. “The last time I slept?” he asks, repeating the words in an attempt to understand their meaning. “I…” He swallows and forces a smile. It’s like hanging a picture in a burned out building; it only reinforces how _wrong_ things are. “Last night,” he says but the words are as flat and unconvincing as the smile.

“And when’s the last time you _really_ slept?” she asks patiently.

The patience undoes him. It’s a weapon the twins use sparingly.

“Last cycle?” he asks as if she’d know better than he would.

“Barry,” she says and his name in her mouth sounds different. It’s a sound of quiet worry and disappointment. It’s the way she’d say “Shit” if she overcooked the onions for stir fry. It shakes a laugh loose inside him. He’s overcooked onions. This analogy feels so perfect in his head. She cocks her head at him but he can’t begin to explain it to her.

The laughter lowers his defenses. As soon as the sound dies he admits, “Lup, I’m so tired.” His eyes meet hers and it’s a naked level of honesty he can’t begin to hide. The dark circles and haggard look of complete weariness tell one part of the story but his eyes? His eyes give away the rest now.

“Why aren’t you sleeping? Is it the thing with the…?” Her sentence drifts into silence. They never came up with a name for the things that were after them, the things that killed him.

He looks away, his gaze falling to his lap where his hands twist together nervously. “Not just that, no.”

Lup takes his hand and holds it between hers on her knee. “Tell me,” she says simply.

He doesn’t mean to, doesn’t intend to spill everything. But his exhaustion has blurred his boundaries and feeble self preservation into something as substantial as early morning fog.

“It wasn’t just… last cycle. I’ve never liked the dark. It just, uh. It made it worse. It’s, uh, it’s just something dumb from when I was a kid. And now it’s all mixed together and… uh, so, I’m not sleeping.”

“Nightmares?” she asks, cutting to the heart of it easily.

Looking at his hand held in hers, he nods. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to tell me about them? Sometimes talking about it…” she stops as he shakes his head emphatically. “Okay,” she agrees without argument.

The silence between them lengthens. Words bubble up inside him but nothing he can smooth out into a sentence.

Lup breaks the silence first. She tugs his hand and tells him, “Come on, Barold. Let’s get out of here for a while.”

He thinks about it, considers the energy to stand up, to walk to his room, get his… wait, what does he need? The task feels like it takes too many parts and he can’t puzzle it out.

When he looks at her she must see it written on his face because she simply explains, “All you need to do is follow me.”

So he does. He follows her out of the lab, down the hall, through the common area, and off the ship. They walk for a while and he doesn’t think, he just continues. Lup said 'follow' so he follows.

Fifteen minutes later they arrive at a park. It’s gently sloping hills and bike trails and huge, sprawling trees everywhere. She tugs the sleeve of his robe and they enter. After a few more minutes of walking she stops. There’s a tree. It’s some kind of oak, he thinks in that far away part of his brain that is still trying to process information. The thought is like a station that’s too far away to be tuned in clearly. Further away a pond is surrounded by people enjoying the day but the tree she’s picked is separate enough to be quiet and secluded.

“Should have brought a blanket to spread out,” she says as she settles herself on the ground. “But the grass is nice.” She pats a spot and he obediently sits beside her. With a smile, she elbows him gently then lies back in the grass. “Come on, Barold, get comfortable.”

He follows her example. She’s right, the grass is nice. He watches the leaves above. A breeze stirs them, shaking them in subtle patterns. The sound is like dozens of voices quietly repeating “shhh” over top of one another. Tension fades from his shoulders by slow degrees.

There in the park, lying in the grass beside Lup, Barry falls asleep.

 

 

 

Awaking with a start, he sits up, alarmed.

“It’s okay,” Lup says beside him. “Everything is fine.”

He looks around, remembering where he is. The mid morning sun has changed to late afternoon, shadows beginning to angle as the sun moves towards the horizon. It’s still an hour or so before sunset though, so his shoulders relax again.

“No nightmares?” she asks.

He shakes his head, feeling dazed at the thought. He slept. He actually _slept._ Exhaustion still sits heavily in him but for the first time in weeks he can think. The children down the hill, for example, he can see them chasing one another but he doesn’t hear anything. “Did you cast silence around us?” he asks, turning to her.

“Yeah,” she admits with a smile. She points up. “Included the tree in our bubble, though.” She pulls her knees up and wraps her arms loosely around them, looking relaxed and a little proud of herself. “I think you just needed a change of scenery.”

He smiles, so grateful he can’t find words to explain it. “Thank you, Lup,” is all he can manage. “Thank you so much.”

She shrugs. “Anytime.”


	11. Karaanites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bureaucracy is an effective weapon.

Barry and Lup seem to fall together more and more with their goals each cycle. She asks him to help her scour an abandoned library for any magical tomes she can learn from and teach him. He shows her his theories on the effect the Light of Creation has on living things, something he’s carefully researched but been unable to prove because of the many factors that make it difficult to compare definitively. She suggests experiments for the next time they are able to rescue the Light. They both take a deep interest in the other’s work. Their suggestions for the other push each of them to grow and learn more and more. It’s an effective working relationship and it just makes sense to keep researching together.

She still spends plenty of time with Taako, of course. But Taako is true to his comments on the beach and doesn’t begrudge the increased time his sister spends with Barry.

And the crew never mention it. They hold that loose and supportive camaraderie as they all continue working to find ways to thwart the Hunger. 

It’s not always Barry and Lup together on missions, of course. 

\---

In their 29th year it’s Barry and Magnus doing a scouting mission together. They head to an all human settlement pursuing information about the light of creation. The group is insular and suspicious but they have the best chance of knowing where the light is.

They stay in the walled colony, trying to make themselves trusted enough to be given the information, pitching in where they can in order to ingratiate themselves. The group shuns magic and technology so they’ve been careful not to mention their arrival on a spaceship. Barry casts no magic. They leave their stones of farspeech off. 

Snow starts falling the second day they are there. By the third week of their stay the snow has built up outside the wall surrounding the town. The weather seems strange but there’s no magic Barry can sense to it. 

He and Magnus have a rare moment alone one afternoon. 

“Magnus, do you ever think about what will happen if we ever get out of this cycle stuff?”

Magnus stops what he’s doing - chopping logs to repair a section of the fence - and considers the question. He swings the axe again, then braces himself on the tool. “Sometimes,” he admits. “It’s hard to think about though, isn’t it? This has been more than half of my life and I still look the same age as when we left.”

Barry nods even though Magnus has returned to chopping wood and doesn’t see the motion. If time were running normally he’d be 81 this year. It’s not an age many Hallwinters have seen.

It’s yet another reason to hold his peace with Lup, keep his feelings to himself. He’s a human more than halfway through his natural lifespan and she’s an elf with hundreds of years still waiting once they finally break out of this endless running. Even if she returned his feelings, how much longer can this go on? It wouldn’t be fair to expect her to care so much about someone for such a short time.

“What brings that up?” Magnus asks, pausing again to wipe sweat from his face even though it’s below freezing and he’s not wearing a coat.

Barry tries to push Lup out of his head. “Just… we’ve been at this for a while and, uh, like you said… It’s hard to think about it ending.” He bends his attention back to the handpump he’s been trying to fix. If he can get it working the Elders here have agreed to let them speak at the next council meeting. They’ve been here for a month now and he’s anxious to get back to the Starblaster. 

\---

He’s pretty sure they’re getting the runaround. It’s been two months and every time they have tried to talk about leaving the Elders dangle information again, promising they’re almost ready to share.

They don’t leave he and Magnus alone long enough to talk anymore. None of them can suspect the two of them have nearly three decades of non verbal shorthand history to rely on. In just a glance across the room, a raised eyebrow, and a nod, they both know the other is ready to ditch.

This is the first time he’s even seen Magnus in a week. They’re in the meeting hall and most of the village is here to celebrate a wedding. Here they hold the gathering first. Tonight, after the town meeting, will be the actual ceremony. Weddings are always held at night here for the blessing of their god, Karaan. 

“We’ll cover that at tonight’s meeting,” Elder Carson promises him again. He smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Barry isn’t surprised by this, simply files it away as another fact that they never intended to help them find the light. 

The elder glances across at Magnus, standing on opposite side of the room. Carson’s daughter is holding Magnus’s hand but Barry doesn’t have to overhear their conversation to know Mags is just being polite. He has no interest in the girl who wears her looks like a weapon and a mask. He’s clearly not fooled by her attempts at manipulation.

The girl cuts a look at her father and something twists in Barry’s gut. In a flash, certainty blooms inside him. They need to leave. Tonight. There’s nothing for him to point at as evidence beyond that single look between father and daughter and his gut deep belief that it is true.

He meets Magnus’s eye and wills the other man to understand his meaning.  _ ‘Tonight, Magnus. Before the meeting.’ _

When the gathering breaks apart, they find a snow covered town outside. More fat flakes fall, making it difficult to see across the street to the general store. Barry stands aside at the foot of the steps and watches the snow fall. Something about it tugs at that certainty that the look from Elder Carson’s daughter had instilled in him. They need to go. Why had they stayed so long?

When Magnus comes out, the Elder’s pretty daughter Corinne on his arm, Barry steps forward as if he were just intending to walk down the street. He stumbles into Magnus and grips the man’s arm.

“Whoops,” he says. “Sorry about that.” He tucks his fingers into Magnus’s coat pocket for a moment. He fumbles the drop slightly, forgetting this isn’t Magnus’s sleeveless IPRE jacket, but a thick, quilted flannel coat bought here in town. Still, he manages to tuck his stone of farspeech into Magnus’s pocket and doesn’t think Corinne or anyone else caught him at it. He’s fairly certain he’s made sure Mags felt the transfer. Mentally, he thanks the twins for their lessons in pickpocketing and subterfuge. If this works, the knowledge may save he and Magnus both.

“See you tonight,” he telss Magnus goodnaturedly, but his hand tightens on Magnus’s arm on the word ‘tonight.’ 

He isn’t sure his intent is clear but it’s the best he can do on short notice. There hadn’t been time to make a note. When Mags finds Barry’s stone in his pocket - and  _ please _ let him have felt that drop - he’ll know it’s urgent. Magnus would know to try to get away and find him.

Barry continues down the street as if everything were fine and he isn’t filled with a steadily increasing dread.

 

The plan to get alone and find Magnus hits a snag quickly. Elder Carson seems intent on sticking close to Barry.

“I think my Corinne is quite taken with your friend,” he tells Barry. “Do you think there’s a chance you two would consider staying?”

“Oh, certainly,” Barry answers with a smile. “We still need to get that information but we’ve both been interested in settling down for some time. Can’t consider it until we get our job complete, though, you know?”

Carson nods benevolently but his eyes are measuring Barry… and finding him wanting. 

Barry suffers another twenty minutes of chit chat before making a desperate excuse - “I seem to have lost my scarf! I’m sure I had it at the celebration. It probably fell off on the walk. I should find it before it gets dark. My niece made it, you know. Hate to lose it.” - and escaping the man’s observation. 

The sun is setting. The light is turning the gathered snow into ominous red drifts as if the whole street were the scene of a giant’s grisly murder. Barry slips between buildings as soon as he can unobtrusively do so. 

It’s colder now in the shadows, with the sun going down. Barry stuffs his hands into his coat, trying to warm his hands. His fingers hit something hard in his right pocket. He pulls it out to look but he knows it in an instant by feel.

It’s Magnus’s stone of farspeech.

Barry stares at it for a moment. What had alerted Magnus? As soon as he thinks the question, a name pops in his head. Corinne. 

He turns on Magnus’s stone and contacts the ship. They’re done waiting.

 

The sun has gone down in earnest now. People are filing into the gathering hall for the town meeting. Barry hasn’t seen Magnus, Corinne, or Elder Carson. The crowd is thinning out. Soon only a few stragglers remain. That insistent feeling of  _ wrongness _ is getting louder and louder. He wanted them to be gone before the meeting started. Where is Magnus?

There’s been no sign of the Starblaster either. His conversation with Davenport had been brief, too worried he’d be caught using a device both magical and technological. The plan had been for him to get Mags and get the hell out of this cursed town but Magnus hadn’t shown.

He hears a sound behind him and turns, expecting Magnus to have finally shown up.

It’s Carson.

“Barry,” Carson says, with a frown. “Did you find your scarf?” The moonlight glints on something in the Elder’s hand and for a moment Barry is dazed, his thoughts scattered. 

“Yaaahhh!” a voice screams and then Magnus is tackling the man. The dagger the Elder had been holding falls, disappearing into the snow and Barry’s eyes clear, his thought his own again. He casts Flare straight up, hoping the ship is close enough to see it. Then he pulls Magnus off the other man.

“Forget him, Magnus,” he insists. “Let’s just go!”

The fighter punches the man one more time, his fist landing with a sickening crunch. 

As Magnus stands, Barry gets a look at him. It’s hard to tell even with the full moon reflecting in the snow but Magnus looks like he’s gone twenty rounds with the Power Bear. 

He can’t study him for long though because they can hear the crowd now. He has no way to know if they saw his Flare on the Starblaster but the townspeople have. And they’re coming.

“We gotta go, Magnus,” Barry repeats

Magnus nods and grabs Barry’s shoulder. They stick to the shadows between the buildings, away from the main street as they make their way to the main gate. There’s a second exit through the fence but it’s on the opposite side of the village and just as likely to be impassable. 

“What made you put the stone in my pocket?” Barry whispers.

“Corinne,” Magnus answers. He doesn’t elaborate but when Barry glances at the fighter’s face the man’s mouth is tight.

“Is she going to be a problem?” Barry asks.

“No.” 

Barry nods. This whole situation seems to have gotten out of hand so quickly but looking back it’s easy to see the places where they should have gotten out sooner. Nearly thirty years of running and surviving and they’d let themselves be manipulated by people acting politely bureaucratic. 

A moment passes as they wait for the opportune moment to move to the next building. “You?” Magnus asks.

Barry looks over his shoulder to where he’d been hiding before the Elder and then Magnus found him. “Carson,” he says before adding, “and Corinne.”

The group on the street moves away and the two of them rush to the relative safety of the next building. 

They make it a little further down the street but the gathering crowd is getting thicker and louder. It’s clear everyone is looking for them and not just to bring them to the meeting. Barry doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He doesn’t like any of these people but he doesn’t hate them either. With Corinne and Carson dealt with it seems like whatever the threat is should be minimal now.

After decades of tense situations and narrow escapes - and failed escapes that only the bond engine’s regeneration could salvage - Barry should know better but the thought still crosses his mind that they just need to cross the street and they’ll be home free. The gate is  _ right there _ and the Starblaster can’t be far now.

But the villagers have a different plan. Eight faces he’s gotten to know over the last couple months come up the alley to face them. Their holding  _ torches, _ for fuck’s sake. A crowd with torches just can’t end well.

Barry feels his magic gathering. For so much of his life he’d been without it but now it’s an old friend tingling in his arms. Beside him Magnus has the axe he’d chopped wood with so long ago, unstrapped from his makeshift sling across his back. They hadn’t arrived with obvious weapons but making do is their brand now.

“Berith,” Magnus says, his voice calm but determined, “you don’t want to stand between us and the exit.”

Berith, a man who could be a younger image of Carson, pulls his shoulders back and practically snarls at Barry and Magnus. “Yeah, we do. You’re not leaving.”

“You can’t make us stay,” Barry tries to point out.

“Maybe,” Prellis says, stepping up beside Berith. “But we  _ can _ keep you from leaving.”

The crowd behind the two men starts talking and the hairs on the back of Barry’s neck stand up. Now they are not just villagers with torches but a mob with a dark and threatening mood beginning to roll off them in the hushed voices. More have come from behind, surrounding them. 

Magnus steps forward, hefting the axe. “No,” he says, his voice harsh and hard. “You really can’t.”

Barry raises his hand, spell gathering before he’s realized he’s decided what to cast. 

Before any of them are forced to act a familiar thrum is closing in from above. It’s a sound Barry hasn’t heard for months. It’s a sound that calls to his heart, his blood, his soul. A sound that after three decades means home and family. It’s the Starblaster. 

“Hey!” a voice calls from above and Barry looks up, smiling, to see Lup leaning precariously out over the railing of the deck. “You boys need a ride?”

From the corner of his eye, Barry sees Berith charge at them. Repelling Shield shoves the man and his friends back from them. 

Something hits Barry from behind and he’s dazed for a moment. He shakes his head to clear the sensation and pain flairs, clouding his vision. A hand grabs him and he jerks. “Just me,” Lup says. His eyes focus enough to confirm the blurry image of Lup beside him. Taako is floating down to land behind her, already firing a Ray of Frost at someone behind Barry. 

Lup squares up behind him. “Got your back,” she says and he hears the laugh in her voice because she does, literally she’s covering his back now. He can feel the warmth of her fire spells as she attacks. 

“Watch those blades,” Taako calls, his voice standing out among the yells of their attackers.

Barry remembers the blade Carson had held and the way it had pulled at his attention. “Try  _ not _ to watch them,” Barry yells. “They’re some kind of magic focus.”

Merle and Lucretia assist them from above. The fight is brief and bloody but between six people who are experienced with much worse than a pack of angry villagers and a mob armed with nothing more than torches and short blades, there was little doubt which way the tide would sway.

The village has suffered a few losses but mostly it’s injuries and enough of an imbalance that the rest of the mob retreats. The four of them make it to the gate without further hindrance. Davenport lands just long enough for them to board. They’ve all made it back on board.

“What the hell was their problem?” Merle asks.

Barry isn’t sure how to answer. Beyond that insistent demand in his gut, everything had seemed fine. Annoying, unhelpful, but not threatening.

Magnus shakes his head. “They were planning on sacrificing Barry to their god,” he explains. “Maybe both of us,” he adds with a shrug as if it’s nothing of consequence he’s just told them.

“What?!” Barry asks. He doesn’t even know how to respond. “How did…” Before Magnus can answer Barry knows. “Corinne.”

Magnus nods.

“What did she says?” He swallows. It all seems so ridiculous. 

“That you’d told her you were leaving but that you thought I was ready to settle down.” Magnus laughs and it’s a bitter sound Barry’s never heard from him before. “As if that were even possible.”

“What god was it?” Lucretia asks.

“Uh, Karaan,” Barry answers.

Merle laughs. “You two were staying with a bunch of Karaanites? Were they werewolves or cannibals?”

“What!?” Barry asks, completely dumbfounded yet again.

Merle continues laughing. “God of lycanthrope, wild savagery, urban decay, and cannibalism,” he tells them.

“They… they were just people,” Barry says, still stunned.

“Yeah, sometimes those are the worst,” Taako says.

“We didn’t even get the light,” Magnus says.

“We did,” Davenport says.

Barry sighs. “So they didn’t even have it?”

“We tried to call,” Davenport tells them. “Your stones were off.”

Lup throws her arm around his shoulders. “Hey, look at it this way: not everybody almost gets sacrificed to a god.”


	12. Music and Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry finds something to fill his time with in Tessaralia. Elves don't like cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for missing last week and going up late this week. Blame Hurricane Florence. I just got internet back today! This is a long chapter though, so hopefully it makes up! Thanks!

In their 30th cycle, Merle is chosen to learn with the First Monastery and the rest of them pursue their goals with a cautious hope that he will learn and be able to use the skill that has brought this world so much peace. But though they all clearly hold this optimistic thought - it’s evident whenever they discuss how Merle might be progressing - none of them dare voice that it might really help them deal with the Hunger.

Everyone has come up with personal goals and interests. Taako and Lup disappear together, enjoying the culture of this world to the fullest. Magnus finds a group of kids in need of a coach for some sort of sport and he takes on the role with relish. Lucretia all but vanishes as well, absorbing her time among an artists’ collective of writers, painters, sculptures, and more. Even Davenport quickly finds a group of engineers to fall in with. But Barry is at a loss for what to do with his free time in this cycle.

The crew rents an apartment in the city and for days Barry drifts between unfamiliar walls. He considers the university, classes that might offer some new information that could help them. There are libraries and museums and so many options for learning. But nothing holds his interest. He feels adrift and alone in a way he hasn’t been for years. The decades on the Starblaster have been hard but he’s known his purpose and place.

After days of barely leaving the apartment he realizes the opportunities he is squandering and heads out into the city. He wanders through streets, browses markets, considers parks and restaurants, looking for anything to catch his attention.

On his third day of this aimless walking he hear music. Something in it speaks to him and he follows the sound. After some investigating he finds the source: a young woman playing in an empty shop well away from the main thoroughfare.

The sight triggers another of Barry’s infrequent but impossible to ignore compulsions. He will learn to play an instrument. He spends several days considering, coming back to the little shop again and again.

“Have you made a decision?” she asks every time he shows up.

“No,” he admits sheepishly.

His inclination is the piano but it seems a terrible choice. There’s no room on the ship for even the smallest model. How do you explain that you know what you should do but are reluctant because you live on a spaceship?

Barry examines other instruments. There’s a whole array of options other than piano and even the largest one would be far more reasonable to fit on the ship.

There’s a violin, small and delicate and beautiful, that catches his eye. It’s a warm, rich brown and for a flash he can picture talented, delicate fingers working the strings, moving the bow. He knows it would be a poor choice for him. By her expression, the woman running the shop clearly thinks the same thing. He hangs it back on its stand but as he walks away it’s almost like a voice calling out to him through a crowd.

He peruses the rest of the shop, looking at clarinets and flutes and trumpets. But no matter where he moves in the shop, he finds his eyes turning back to the violin.

With a sigh, he moves back to the instrument. Just walking back towards it relieves that feeling tugging at him.

“I guess I’ll take this,” Barry says, nodding his head towards the violin. He doesn’t even pick it up. He’s a little frustrated at these ridiculous compulsions that refuse to explain themselves. But in the interest of peace, of quieting that demanding voice in his head, he’ll buy it.

The shopkeeper eyes him, then ducks behind the counter to gather the paperwork, her dark hair falling across her face. “Is this a gift?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” he tells her. “Maybe.”

That afternoon he takes the instrument straight back to the Starblaster, skipping the apartment. He’s vaguely ashamed of his purchase, of falling to an incomprehensible hunch yet again.

As Barry approaches the ship there’s a strange wrongness that takes him a moment to process. The bond engine is silent for the first time in decades.

When he boards the ship, he hears the glowing ring of the engine begin to thrum with a slow, almost sleepy sound as it begins to spin up. After a moment of the engine working, the lights come on throughout the ship.

The Starblaster empty of its crew feels strange. He passes through the common area, the kitchen, and into the starboard hallway. He looks to the right, towards the twin’s rooms. It feels wrong being here alone, wrong that the ship has sat for weeks without them. He turns left, passes the open door of the lab, and enters his bunkroom.

Sitting on his bed, he looks around the familiar space. He’s not sure what to do with the violin. He should have bought a case for it so he could safely store it in the chest at the end of his bed. Then he thinks of the violin hanging at the shop. That’s what he’ll do, he thinks. That’s where it belongs, hanging on his wall. For now.

He leaves the violin sitting carefully on the bed, tucked beside his pillow as if it might be jostled somehow while he’s out of the room. In the lab he finds some spare brackets that should work, and brings them back to his room.

Eventually he has the instrument mounted on the wall. He looks at it for a long moment. He’s annoyed that it’s extremely conspicuous even to someone standing in the doorway. But it feels right.

Barry returns to the apartment they all share and tries to put the instrument out of his mind.

The next morning he’s considering what else he might do with his time here, thinking the issue of the instrument is solved. But his seemingly pointless meandering leads him once again to the little music shop.

He’s as surprised as the young shopkeeper that he’s returned. This time he gives up fighting the instinct driving him.

“I need piano lessons,” he tells her.

“We don’t offer lessons,” she responds instantly. But her face softens after a moment and she relents, “But maybe we can figure something out.”

They barter for lessons. Buying the violin has softened her to his cause. They find an agreement that both of them are satisfied with and Barry begins lessons.

He comes back to the shop every morning. Loke, as she finally introduces herself, gives him instruction between infrequent customers. As the weeks pass, regulars who come to her store mostly to purchase replacement strings or reeds or music sheets linger to listen to him. His discomfort fades as his skill improves.

He has no special aptitude. His fingers are not especially nimble. But Barry is a dedicated and driven student. Loke’s cool and distant attitude all but disappears as they work together. He learns about her family, her friends, her love for music, her struggles to keep the store going since taking it over from her grandmother.

In return he offers edited versions of his years, trying to fit them into the lifespan he’s supposed to have lived and the confines of the plane they are currently inhabiting.

“No wonder you can’t buy a piano,” she tells him after telling her about the year his little found family spent shuffling from town to town in a pla-... in an area... that had never heard of coffee. “If you can’t always be sure of your morning coffee then you can’t hope to make a home for a piano.” She laughs. “That sounds like a very specific saying. Maybe I should sell prints of it.”

Barry laughs but he has to agree. In a life where coffee isn’t always a given, a piano would be an impossible luxury.

By the end of the year his progress is substantial. As a graduation gift Loke gives him a book on the violin. “Should you decide to pursue that as well,” she tells him. “Much harder to learn this way but you said you would once again be traveling…”

The next few cycles keep him busy enough that he mostly forgets the violin hanging on his wall. But he finds himself silently practicing his fingering exercises when he is distracted and lost in thought.

 

During the year on Tessaralia, their biggest worry was how things were going with Merle. When he finishes with the First Monastery, he puts his newly acquired skill to use as soon as he returns. They watch him turn to smoke and when he returns days later, regenned in the new cycle, they find out who he has seen. After 30 years of being locked in some kind of race/combat/struggle with the thing they have called the Hunger, the being on the other side of Parley appeared to be… just a man.

Barry is put in the uncomfortable - the terrible - position of encouraging Merle to return to parley even though it means his likely death.

“Merle, I'm sorry, but can you try again? I know that sounds horrible, but it seems like we got a direct line to this guy, whoever he is, and I think... I think maybe there’s another tack you can take here and get some information. Can you please try again?”

And then, just like at the end of the cycle before, they sit anxiously and watch as the ghost like form of their cleric, of their friend, of _Merle_ , goes first ghostlike and then after not long at all, turns to smoke and once again disappears.

So another cycle without Merle begins only this time he’s died to the Hunger on the very first day. After that, none of them feel they can complain about the plane they are on this year: a barren wasteland of snow. They find no signs of anything alive other than the marine life in the water beneath the ice.

The cold penetrates even the Starblaster. The engine spins constantly, the heaters always running, and they all wear as many layers as they can maneuver in but still they all feel frozen.

When the light streaks across the sky, they follow its angle and land as closely as they safely can on the ice shelf beneath the snow.

Davenport is probably the most susceptible to the temperature with his size but he refuses to bend or admit weakness. He and Magnus take the first hike out in search of the light.

 

The Environmental Control and Life Support system works overtime trying to maintain a constant temperature on the ship but everyday it seems to lose a little more ground.

They divert heat to the most used portions of the ship and give up sleeping in their rooms. Instead they sleep huddled together in the common room, piled together on the couch or in a nest of piled blankets on the floor.

Weeks pass before Magnus returns alone. In the end, Davenport had simply not woken up.

Now there are only five of them left and the light still needs to be recovered.

“I’ll go,” Barry tells them. “It makes the most sense. Magnus needs to rest and I’m… I have built in padding.”

“I can go,” Magnus insists. “I just… let me… we can go in the morning.”

“Magnus, you’ve worn yourself to a frazzle,” Lucretia points out. “Rest and you can take the next…”

“I’m going,” Lup interrupts. “And we won’t need a next time.”

Taako frowns at his sister. “Lulu, do you think that’s a good idea?”

“I’ll have my fire. I’ll be fine,” she insists. “We’ll bring back the light.”

Barry wants to protest but Lup has that _look._ He’s rarely able to talk her out of things in the best circumstances but when her eyes look like that, he might as well try to argue clouds out of the sky.

They gather clothes and supplies. Magnus offers Barry what extra clothes he can, items where Magnus’s broad shouldered, muscular frame can translate to Barry’s rounder shape. Anything to add layers.

Lup ransacks the collection she and Taako have built up. She gathers what she thinks will help, leaving plenty for Taako to bundle up in as well.

They head out as soon as the sun is up. They are quiet, saving their strength for the hike out. From here the light should be a two or three day hike.

Half a day’s trek in, Lup summons her flame, shivering.

“We should turn back,” Barry says, stopping.

She continues walking for several steps and when she finally stops she doesn’t turn. “If we go back, that’s it. No light this cycle.”

“We could still…” Barry begins to protest.

She turns now to face him and her face is more determined than when she announced she was going with him. “No. If we go back, there won’t be another attempt and you know it.” Her eyes bore into him as she states simply, “I can do this. _We_ can do this.”

He frowns at her but nods. She’s right. If they go back there won’t be another attempt. He wants to say something, demand she agree to pay attention to herself or agree they go back if they don’t find it where they think it should be. But he holds his tongue and they start walking again. They both know something about determination.

Barry and Lup hike the entire day, making slow but steady progress. For a while they use the path Magnus and Davenport had breached through the drifts but now they have turned more south. From the air it had seemed likely it was in the more northern location where rocky outcroppings obscured their view. The light could have arced in and become submerged in the snow and it would be nearly impossible to tell. But Magnus had continued on and searched there before returning. They have to hope he didn’t miss it. It’s possible, though. Even knowing Cap’n’port would be back next cycle, it’s hard not to feel responsible and their security officer already takes losses particularly hard.

Their destination is a valley to the south. They _hope_ it’s a valley, at least. It might be an ice break. They’ll have to be careful.

The sun moves towards the horizon and Barry calls for a halt. Lup marches forward heedless and he calls out to her twice before she falters. When he catches up to her he’s startled to see the change in her eyes. Above the scarf covering the rest of her face, the intent and determination is gone and what is left is only the iron willpower that is Lup.

He puts his hand on her arm. It’s a near pointless gesture. They are wearing so many layers he doubts she even registers the weight of his touch.

“Lup,” he says gently. “Let’s make camp.”

She doesn’t react for so long that it scares him. Finally she nods once.

He pulls off his pack. He has a specialized cold weather tent they got a few cycles ago. It had been yet another purchase they’d hoped they’d never need but had been lucky enough to make. He begins setting it up, trying not to think of Magnus having to pull their captain’s body out of it just a few mornings ago.

Halfway through the process, Lup takes her place beside him to help. They finish and she begins packing snow in beside the tent walls to insulate it further.

“Lup,” he says. He has to reach out and put his hand on hers to physically stop her before she notices.

She looks at him and the dull expression on her face is worse than the stark willpower she was clinging to earlier.  He’s never seen her face so empty, not even when she was still three quarters asleep, standing at the coffee pot, waiting for the machine to make enough caffeine to fill her mug. Well, maybe once when Taako was extremely sick and not responding to Merle’s spells.

“Get in the tent,” he orders. She doesn’t respond or react beyond standing up from her crouch and circling to the front of the tent.

She pauses and looks back at him, throwing him a grateful look before she ducks down and crawls into the tent.

He continues packing snow up around the tent, building up a solid wall as they’ve learned from their study and preparations for just this sort of situation.

The sun is down by the time he’s satisfied with his work and crawls into the tent with her. She’s sitting cross legged in one corner, silvery emergency blanket pulled around her and one hand holding a tiny flame carefully clear of the tent walls and the thin blankets from her pack that she’s built into a nest.

“It doesn’t do much for heat,” she tells him. “But it makes me feel better.”

“That’s something,” he tells her, smiling. The unprompted comment has reassured him as much as the expression on her face. He mentally reminds himself to make sure she doesn’t push herself so far again. She can do it but she shouldn’t have to. Honestly he’d pushed himself further than he should have as well.

He pulls off his coat and boots and leaves them in the antechamber space meant to be a wind and moisture block. The tent is large but it’s still close quarters even for people who have been living in a spaceship for three decades. That’s a blessing for heat conservation though. When he settles in the corner opposite her there’s scant inches separating them. Her orange tinted ball of mage light hovers in the space between them.

“So, elves aren’t meant for the cold,” she admits, resummoning the flame she’d dismissed while he was getting settled. She gives it more attention than he’s ever seen her devote to a cantrip and he suspects it’s to avoid his eyes.

The information surprises him. He’d never considered it somehow. “Are you…?” He’s not sure what he’s asking. ...going to be okay? ...warm enough? ...out of your mind to have come out here with me?

“I have my fire magic,” she says. “It’s always made me less susceptible to the cold than Taako. But this? I may…” She shrugs and he can guess the end of the sentence she doesn’t want to admit. She may have overestimated herself this time.

It worries him. It’s not the idea that Lup might have limits. He knows she does, knows she usually pushes herself past them, knows she thinks limits are just a thing to be stomped over and pushed through. But that she could be intimidated by a limit after all this time? That worries him a lot.

And then he thinks, _‘If I said ‘let’s go back in the morning’ right now, she’d agree.’_ It’s a strange and unfamiliar feeling. She listens to his opinion, sure. But he’s never felt with such certainty that she’d follow his suggestion, that her own conviction has slipped so far from her grasp.

He almost says it. Her survival is more important to him than anything. But he has to consider what she’ll think later about this, as well.

“We’ll stop earlier tomorrow,” he tells her. “It will take longer but if we…” he doesn’t finish the thought. There’s no need to explain. If they die, there’s no light. If they die their friends, their _family_ will wonder and worry. If they die the tent will be lost with them and the supplies and it’s too high a cost with so much cycle left. If they die because they pushed too hard it’s a stupid waste that gains nothing and loses much.

She nods and he knows she’s caught every part of that unfinished sentence.

He digs into his now nearly empty pack. The tent was most of the space. Another large portion of the space is the bag-like net contraption they’ll use to haul the light back if they find it. But there’s also half of the granola, dried fruit, and packaged foods. Even if it takes another two days to travel to the light and three day back to the ship, they have enough for warm meals once a day and still have a spare.

He pulls out two meals at random. “You want to do the honors, bonfire girl?”

She grins, cancels her flame, and takes them from him. Holding one in each hand, she concentrates heat into them then counts quietly. When she gets to 30 she hands him the edge of one. He passes her a spoon and they pantomime toasting their silver meal packages together before tearing off the top.

When he looks into his open package he finds macaroni and cheese. He sighs and drops the hand holding the spoon to his lap.

“What’s up?” she asks, taking a bite of what looks like spaghetti.

He passes the pack to her. “Didn’t realize we packed any of this,” he says. “You take it and I’ll eat some granola or something.”

“Aww, sorry Barold.” She offers him her spaghetti in exchange.

“Nah,” he tells her. “You need the warm food more. Keep them both.”

“C’mon, Barry, switch with me.”

“Really, Lup, please. I’m more suited to the cold than you.”

She looks at him and that look is in her eyes again. That look like when she said she was coming with him.

“Barry.” She only says the single word but her meaning is clear. She pushes the spaghetti towards him again and this time he takes it.

She grins at him, pleased to have the status quo returned, where Lup says a thing and it happens. He gives her a lopsided smile in return, feeling guilty for giving in but glad to see her so pleased with herself.

They finish eating and clean up. Once everything is situated there’s nothing to do but sleep. Lup, though, looks uncomfortable. He’s tried not to think about sharing the small space with her but it looks like she’s thinking of it now.

“Barry…” she finally says, not looking at him. “I have to pee.”

“Oh,” he says, relieved. Then, as he realizes, he adds, “oh! Okay, yes, so… you shouldn’t go back out there. Hold on.” He rummages through the pack again. In the very bottom is a metal bowl that fits perfectly in the bottom of the pack. It’s lightweight and serves to mostly reinforce the bag. It’s also intended to be a small fire pit if they have to use traditional fire. For now it can be a toilet so she can use the antechamber space.

He hands it to her. “Use this and you don’t have to go all the way outside. When you’re done, I’ll clean it out with snow after.”

“Barry, you’re not going to…”

“Lup,” he interrupts, “ _you’re not going back outside tonight.”_

She looks at him and he can see her realize how seriously he means this, can see her instinctual refusal to be told what she will or won’t do. Then she glances towards the front of the tent just as the wind picks up, whistling noisily over their enclosure.

She snatches the fire bowl from his hand. He’s okay with this, though. She can be furious with him as long as she’s not heading out again just as she’s gotten warm. He turns to face the rear of the tent and begins humming loudly, giving her two layers of privacy.

When she finishes he hears the tent unzip and whirls around, ready to demand she stay in the tent. But she’s only stuck her hand out to dump the bowl and scoop snow into it. She sits it on the floor by their shoes and returns to the main area of the tent, zipping closed the divider between the sections to hold their body heat in a smaller area.

As they climb into their sleeping bags in the nest she’s made, he hears he offer a quiet thank you.

“Hey,” he says, turning to look at her. “We’re in this together, okay?”

“I know,” she grumbles, “but I don’t like having allowances made for me.”

“Lup? Wanting you to not freeze to death? That’s not a special allowance. That’s purely selfish.”

“How is that selfish?” she asks, a hint of amusement in her voice. She cancels her mage light and for a moment they are both silent in the dark.

“I don’t want to have to carry both packs?” he offers hesitantly. “Or make the rest of the hike alone? Or tell Taako? Or spend the rest of the cycle without you? Uh, in the lab, I mean?”

“Okay, fine, as long as you have _such_ selfish reasons,” she answers and this time the amusement is clear.

They fall silent once more and when the wind gets loud again they both listen to it whip at the fabric of their shelter, catching the parts not protected by packed snow.

“Are you warm enough?” Barry asks.

“I’m fine,” she answers unconvincingly.

He considers this. Lup is a skilled liar, he’s seen her tell bold faced untruths so well even he questioned what he knew were facts. If she is this transparent she must be cold. He scoots his sleeping bag towards her and throws what spare covering he can over her. Then after only a little hesitation he wraps his arms around her.

“Might as well put my extra padding to use,” he says, aiming for nonchalant and landing somewhere not too far off.

She feels stiff in his arms and it could be cold or discomfort. Maybe both. But, like his willingness to demand she get inside the tent or the way he’d been ready to do anything to stop her if she tried to go out of their shelter, he’ll take the uncomfortableness if it means she’s alive. They adjust slowly to this new proximity. In the end, she’s cold enough and he’s determined enough that neither move and they fall asleep.

He awakes with a start in the morning. The first thought in his head, filling his whole mind as he reaches for her, is of Magnus waking up to find Davenport had died in the night.

When he touches Lup’s shoulder though, she moves, stretches, and sits up. “Thanks,” she says, and she could be referencing anything. He dips his head in acknowledgement but can’t speak. It’s not that sleeping with her in his arms isn’t something he’s dreamed of, _literally dreamed of,_ but her safety, her happiness, her existence is so much more important than that.

They take down the tent in companionable silence. Decades of working together have made them a team that fills the spaces for each other almost flawlessly. Even though striking a cold weather camp site is something neither of them have done, it seems almost routine as they work. When everything is packed they head out, continuing the path they’d begun the day before.

This time they stay closer together. He forges the way, pushing through the snow with his body as he walks. She follows in the trail he creates. It’s slow going. He has a thin rod to poke down through the snow to the ice below, testing it before he trusts his weight. The snow is always at least to his knees, sometimes almost to his waist, and pushing his way through it is difficult, tedious work. And Barry checks on her regularly, turning to make sure she’s there, calling questions or comments when he can think of them. Their progress is slower than the day before but speed doesn’t count for much if they don’t survive.

On the second night, they stop much earlier.

“We can go another hour,” Lup protests. “There will still be plenty of sun left to make camp.”

Barry shakes his head. “We get warm, eat, sleep… all that? We last longer. Marathon not a sprint, right?”

Lup looks like she wants to argue but she just drops her pack. The scarf wrapped around her head obscures most of her face but her eyes seem pinched and tired.

They put up the tent and since they are stopping early, he doesn’t say anything when she helps pack the snow up around the sides. The downside to letting her help with this process is that they are both ready to go in the tent at the same time. He lets her go in first and busies himself packing snow tighter and checking the tent’s reinforcements.

After a few minutes, Lup sticks her head out. “Are you coming in?”

“Be right there,” he calls, “just checking something.”

He counts to thirty, trying to make it look like he really was busy and not just giving her time to get settled before he entered. Then he climbs into the tent.

With their shoes and snow dampened items in the antechamber area again, the rest of the tent is once more a nest of what blankets they could feasibly haul and their sleeping bags.

Lup is already heating two meals as he gets situated. “No mac and cheese,” she promises, holding up the two silver packets she’s warming. “I checked them all. You’re safe.”

“Thanks,” he answers with a smile. “Anything good?”

“Some kind of chicken thing and another spaghetti. Any preference?”

“Either’s fine,” he says. He pours water from snow melt into two cups and holds them up. “Plain or use tea bags tonight?”

She hands him one of the packets in exchange for a collapsible cup of water. “Let’s save tea for midday stop tomorrow,” she suggests.

“Good call,” he agrees, accepting what turns out to be the chicken thing. It’s not bad but it’s not good, either. Bland and tasteless, mostly. Nothing like the meals he’s grown accustomed to from the twins. But it’s warm and that’s what counts at the moment.

After they eat they pack everything away again. They settle for sleep and Lup cancels her hovering ball of light, plunging the tent into darkness.

Barry is just about to scoot closer when Lup backs up against him. In the double safety of darkness and being behind her, Barry smiles. He adjusts the blanket to cover them both and curls an arm over her.

“Goodnight, Lup,” he says quietly.

“G’night,” she answers.


	13. Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Lup's search for the light suffers a setback.

The third morning begins well enough. They break their snow camp and pack up quickly, working as fluidly together as ever. They even make good time during their morning hike because the snow is lower here, making Barry’s job of pushing through it faster and easier.

That’s probably why he forgets to check the ice.

His eyes had been scanning the snow for any sign of the light, a difficult thing to spot among the whiteness glaring the sun’s rays back in his face. He’s cursing how dirty his glasses are and how impossible it is to try to clean them until they make camp again. Then he’s plunging through the ice without so much as a warning crack or slow crumbling away beneath his foot.

The pack on his back catches on the snow and ice and pushes up as he slips under, pitching him forward to take a face full of snow, shocking his mouth open to instantly fill with the frigid water when he goes under. The sole grace is that the pack being caught and the narrowness of the hole created around him has wrenched his arms over his head as he went under. He thinks he feels Lup catch his hand but his clothes are soaking water and pulling him down. His thoughts are already becoming sluggish from the cold.

“Barry!” he hears her scream. She sounds so far away, must be miles by now it seems. Dimly he wonders how he’s gotten so far from her already. He wants to apologize, wants to tell her he’ll see her next year.

Then, the image of her blank and pushed-too-far face drifts in front of him and his already exhausted limbs find a little more fight. He struggles to find anything to grab before he realizes she’s pulling on his left arm. His gloved fingers try to tighten on her hand, trying to help her however he can. Taako’s swimming lessons from a decade ago drift through his scattered thoughts, reminding his legs how to move, how to propel him upwards.

It feels like an hour of soaked, freezing, exhausting work but the two of them somehow get him above the ice again. Both of them are prone on the snow and ice. The position distributes their weight to keep more ice from breaking but it’s also because they are so far beyond weary they can barely drag themselves backwards towards a safer place to rest.

When they’ve gotten enough distance it seems safe, he collapses onto his back. “One hundred,” he says, hoping she hears him. “We count to one hundred and then we have to get up and make shelter.” It’s dangerous to even risk that much but his chest is still heaving and his lungs hurt from the icy pins of the cold air. His wet clothes are already freezing but he digs deep for his determination as he counts, steeling himself the higher the numbers go.

At eighty he sits up, fear finally screaming in him loud enough to get him moving. “Lup,” he says and she doesn’t move. He scrambles to her, crossing the tiny distance in awkward, flailing movements he’s not even aware of.

“Lup,” he says, shaking her. “Lup!”

She groans and the sound is the greatest thing he’s ever heard. Tears and sobs leak out of him without his awareness. “Move, Lup. We have to move, get up, get warm.”

Her arms are soaked all the way to her shoulders, ice forming on the sleeves. Belatedly he realizes Prestidigitate can dry clothes. He uses it on her sleeves then his own clothes. He’s still frozen and she has to be as well, but the situation is greatly improved. Later, when they are safe and warm, he’ll feel ridiculous that he’d forgotten it for so long. Now, though, there’s no time or energy for such thoughts.

Thank all the gods, his pack stayed on his back. The food was divided between them in case something happened to one pack but without the tent?

He shrugs the pack off and fumbles at the fastenings clumsily. After his cold stiffened fingers slipped from the buckles for the fifth time he whispered Knock, and let his magic open it for him.

Dumping out the tent parts, he turned to Lup. “You still with me, Lup?”

She is sitting up, which is good, but she's huddled with her arms wrapped around her knees and her head down.

“Lup, can you make a flame for me? Just sit and hold your flame and try to warm up and stay alert for me?”

She stirs at his voice but there's no alertness there, no _Lup_ in her face.

He laves off sorting out the tent parts and moves in front of her. “Lup. Flame, okay?”

She looks up at him and a little alertness returns to her eyes. “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, flame.” She holds out her hand then realizes she still has her glove on. Barry watches her pull her glove off and at last get the flame flickering from her palm. The fire and the concentration to use her magic seem to help bring her around more, too. After a few more seconds of observing her, he turns back to getting the tent together. It's a simple assembly but it still takes him three times as long as it has the last few nights. As soon as it's up he tells her to get inside. He forces himself to stay out and pack snow on the windward side. After a few minutes he calls it good enough and crawls inside the tent.

Lup has managed to get the blankets out of her pack and is wrapped in several of them. He pauses in the antechamber area to knock the snow and ice from his clothes as well as he can before climbing into the main area of the tent and closing the barrier between the sections.

They need to spread the blankets and extra layers on the bottom of the tent. The bottom of their shelter is an effective moisture barrier but the cold seeps through the material easily. He manages to unroll his sleeping bag before he realizes he’s exhausted every scrap of energy he can manage to dredge up. He collapses on top of the bedroll and is asleep before another thought can form.

When he wakes again it’s dark. He’s hot and struggling to pull off layers and loosen clothing before icy fingers stopped him.

“Barry, you’re burning up,” Lup says. She summons her orange magelight and he squints his eyes shut against the sudden glare. He feels her frozen touch on his forehead and frowns when she hisses a breath and curses.

“M’be yer jus cold,” he says. The words feel thick and hard to form.

“I am but you’ve got a fever,” she answers. “Here, drink some water,” she orders, pressing one of their collapsible cups to his mouth.

Barry struggles to sit up but she easily pushes him back down. “No, just drink,” she tells him. The angle is awkward and only half makes it in him while the other half spills down his neck. The cool water on his skin feels better than what he’s managed to drink.

She fusses at him, trying to mop up the spilled water but he moves his hand to stop her efforts. “M’fine,” he says, still not bothering to open his eyes. “Jus hot… tired.” A coughing fit hits him and pain blooms in his chest. He’s not spent as much time as he should have studying medicine and first aid but even half asleep and muddle headed from whatever is wrong with him he’s clear this is _not good._

When he finishes coughing, he’s exhausted, chest heaving to catch his breath after the coughing fit. She must see something in his expression because her mouth tightens and she sits back with that look that says she’s weighing options and mad none of them include blowing something up. He closes his eyes again. Between squinting to see her and the coughing, his head is pounding.

“Okay, it’s dark out and the farspeech stone isn’t getting through to the ship for some reason. So. You’re too hot and I’m too cold so for now we’re going to sleep and hope we balance each other out.” She bites her lip. “Even if the stone got through, Merle’s not there… Sleep has to help, right?”

Barry nods but it’s not because he agrees. He just wants to sleep again so badly.

“More water first?” she asks.

When he shakes his head, she curls back up beside him. Instantly, he can tell how extremely cold she is or how very fevered he is. Then he’s asleep and he’s not aware of anything.

When Barry wakes again his tongue feels glued to the roof of his mouth. His eyes pry open and the light in the tent is either early morning or late afternoon, he’s not sure. Lup is shivering beside him. He wraps his arms and blankets around her. The fever must have broken, he feels okay except for how tired and thirsty he is.

“Lup?” he asks softly. “You okay?”

The only response he gets is a quiet noise but with his warmth wrapped around her, her shivering is fading. That’s enough for him. His eyes shut again.

He wakes again and this time there’s no ignoring the demands his body is making. He checks Lup first. She’s sleeping still but not shivering. He piles his share of the blankets on top of her. Moving stirs a cough that he struggles to suppress, not wanting to awaken her. His boots are still on so he just has to get out of the tent.

Halfway out, he realizes he doesn’t know where his glasses are. He can’t remember if he had them after going through the ice.

Opening the tent he sees nothing but white, white, and more white. The snow has drifted against the opening. He pushes his way through what is luckily still loose, powdery snow. When he gets clear of the opening and stands he sees the snow has covered the whole tent. If he were to get disoriented he might not even be able to find it again, especially without his glasses. Even with this thought fresh in his head, he moves around to the side before he begins fumbling through layers of clothing so he can finally, finally pee.

When his clothes are refastened and uncomfortably frozen parts can begin warming again, he turns to the blurry lump of white beside him. He begins swiping his arm gently through the snow, uncovering the top of the tent so they’ll have more light and the orange of the material can be seen. He works his way around the vaguely oval shape. By the time he’s made it back to the front of the tent, he’s frozen and exhausted. He’s not sure how long he had slept but he’s aware now he’s not as recovered as he’d hoped.

He crawls back into the tent. The pack he’d been carrying isn’t inside and he realizes it must still be outside, buried now in the snow. Half their food is in it but he’s not ready to deal with it. The container of snowmelt is full. Lup must have set it up at some point and he’s relieved to be able to drink without having to collect snow and spend magic. By the time he makes it back to the main area of the tent and closes the moisture barrier to the antechamber area, he’s burned through all his strength again and that terrible need to cough is pushing at his chest. He buries his face in his elbow to muffle the sound. The cough isn’t as broken glass feeling as it had been last time he woke but it’s definitely painful.

Somehow he gets himself burrowed back into the blanket nest and collapses.

The next time he wakes up he’s alone.


	14. Frost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is alone. The cold seems to have taken everything. Somehow even when things are better they feel worse.

Barry wakes up alone and somehow, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he knows Lup isn’t just outside. The tent is colder so he’s been alone a while. Her pack is gone.

He still doesn’t know where his glasses are.

Fighting his way clear of blankets and his bedroll, he opens the moisture barrier between the main area of the tent and the antechamber. Sure enough her boots are gone and her pack isn’t there either. Neither is his pack. His boots are still on. The only thing in the antechamber besides much cooler air than the other section is the snow melt setup. It’s full again so he drinks because he’s hungry and thirsty and scared and it’s the only one of those three things he can do anything about right now.

Then he opens the tent, bringing the snow collection bowl with him.

Expecting Lup not to be just outside the tent doesn’t make it easier to handle when she’s not there. He stands, spinning a slow circle with squinted eyes, hoping to catch a dot of color anywhere that might be her.

He yells her name and pauses, desperate for any sign of her. Ten times he yells for her, his voice loud and desperate. Ten times he gets nothing in response.

There’s nothing to see, nothing to hear. But his terrible human ears could be missing something. His worse human vision is definitely bordering on useless in all this snow.

She could be anywhere. She could have decided to go after the light, to walk back to the Starblaster, she could have fallen through the ice. Just the thought - her sliding under the ice while he slept unaware - he’s sick and terrified.

Anxiety pulls so tight in him that his stomach heaves. There’s nothing in him. He hasn’t eaten since the night before he fell through the ice. Was that yesterday? Two nights ago? Three? He was sick and spent so much time sleeping he has no way of knowing. The way that he’s still hungry despite his fear, despite the image his brain keeps offering of Lup’s frozen body under the ice just yards away and he’ll never even know, never find her…

He needs to find his pack, find food, maybe his glasses are with them. He’d put the tent together that day after falling through the ice but he can’t remember if he had his glasses or not. He’d done so much of it by feel, constantly pushing himself when all he’d wanted to do was lay down in the snow and drift away.

Barry’s fear and worry and hungry and desperation begin working on him and he doesn’t notice when he starts talking to himself. Actually, he’s talking to Lup. She’s not there but talking to her keeps him going, lets him pretend everything is fine if he just stays calm and gets through each task.

“First things first,” he tells her. “I’m going to refill the snow melt setup. That’s easy, right?”

He steps away and finds what he thinks is a clear, pristine area of snow. He scoops the snow and packs it into the bowl. A huge volume of snow doesn’t make much water so he packs it down hard. It will melt slower but he’s going to be working to find his missing supplies, not waiting for it to melt on the tiny warming/drip mechanism.

“Okay,” he tells the Lup who isn’t there. “I’ve got this full. I have to set it up in the tent now so it can work.” He explains each step as he does it, from tracing his steps back to the orange blur of the tent to opening the closure and half climbing into the antechamber and all the necessary assembly of setting up the snow melt. She’s not there, she wouldn’t need the information if she were, but it’s keeping him calm somehow. It’s like they were back in the lab working through an experiment.

“Now I have to find the pack,” he says to the no one he’s pretending is Lup. He stops in front of the tent, trying to remember where he was when he dumped his pack out to get the tent. “Was it this direction?” he asks. Even if Lup were there she probably couldn’t answer. She’d been even less aware than he was after his plunge got them both so frozen.

That’s how he spends the next two hours, patiently crawling around the area surrounding the tent and talking to a woman who wasn’t there. He’s searched a forty five degree angle section of what he estimates is a twenty foot circle around the tent, going painstakingly slowly as he searches through the snow. He’s told imaginary Lup so many things: how scared he is for her, how important she is, and finally, how much he loves her, how it’s filling him up so much that sometimes it feels like there’s not room left for air.

The the sun starts going down. He could go back in the tent but it’s not like the sun is doing him much good anyway. Barry decides to keep searching, just staying closer to the tent. If he had a rope of some kind to keep him anchored, he could search all night. But if he gets too far away from the tent he knows he’s done for.

As dark takes over, the job of searching and the focus of talking to Lup works less and less. If she doesn’t come back tonight he has to face something he’s fought off all day.

He keeps searching, digging frozen hands through snow even though he can’t see, can’t feel anything if he did find something. He’s on autopilot, talking to himself, unaware that he’s crying. There aren’t much in the way of tears. Between the snow and the hunger and the dehydration, Barry is running on fumes and determination.

Then it happens. He’s so distraught that he’s done the one thing he’s been so careful not to do all day. He’s gotten turned around. He thought the tent was to his right about five feet away but he’s crawled probably ten feet and there’s no tent. There’s a single moon, small and dim, but all it does is give the snow a mild silvery glow. He turns in a circle squinting in every direction but he sees no hint of the shelter, no glimmer of orange or even a shadow in the darkness.

Lup must have fallen through the ice or gotten lost in the snow. Now he’s lost in the snow even though he can’t be far from the tent. But if Lup isgone, he doesn’t really care. If Lup is lost then there’s no point. He doesn’t have her, he doesn’t have the light, he doesn’t even have his glasses. The compass is either with his pack or in the hole he fell in. The rod for testing the ice is gone as well. There’s no way for him to get back to the Starblaster. Barry curls onto his side and admits defeat.

 

Exhausted and hopeless is how Lup finds him.

“Barry! Barry, are you okay?”

Barry stirs. He looks around and it’s dark, dark, and… a glow.

When he move she lets out a whoop of relief and joy. Dully, he pushes himself to sit up. Lup crashes to a stop beside him and the glow is recognizable now. 

Lup has found the light.

“Lup?”

“I did it, Barry. I woke up this morning and decided and _I did it!”_

“I thought you… I thought you fell through the ice,” he says. He’s not sure this is real, not sure _she’s_ real.

“Oh,” she says. He squints at her but he can’t make out her expression.

“Let’s get you back in the tent,” she tells him. She helps him up and leads him to the tent and his exhaustion and worry and the terrible hopelessness burn away with shame and frustration. Shame that he’s a grown man being led back to the tent he just a few feet away that he couldn’t find. Frustration at everything about this whole horrible mission and plane and the Hunger and the deaths and the fear and that he’d spent the whole day scared that she’d frozen to death and he’d not known.

They make it back into the tent and the light fills the shelter with it’s glow.

“I realized this was it,” she tells him. “You were sick and I was… cold. And it was just going to keep getting worse. But if I found the light, that would help. It would help us survive, help us make it back, even.”

She’s right and somehow that transmutes into frustration as well. Because he was the useless idiot who fell through the ice, got sick, couldn’t see, didn’t even realize she left, and didn’t think about the fact the light would help them once they got it. He opens his mouth to speak and clamps it shut again. He’s going to say a lot of things he shouldn’t if he speaks now.

“Why the hell were you out in the snow?” she asks.

And that’s it, his mouth opens and everything pours out.

“Because I didn’t know where you were or where my glasses were or where my pack was or how to find you or what else to do beside crawl around in the snow trying to find my pack and hope that there was food and the compass in it and _I thought you died.”_

“I had the compass,” she says, “and I was fine.” Her voice has gone that particular sort of toneless that means she’s getting angry. That’s never been a voice she’s aimed at him.

“Good,” he says, because he’s angry too and still scared. Dammit, he’s still fucking terrified.

“Fuck, Barry, you sound like you’re mad that I’m alive!”

“Of course I’m not mad you’re alive, Lup! Fuck!”

They sit in silence for a few moments. When he continues his voice is quiet and small. “I was fucking scared, alright? You were gone so long and those first few days you…” he stops. He can’t explain how awful it was picturing her under the ice, frozen and dead. All day long with that image in his head and it was his fault. His fault because he fell through the ice, because he wasn’t paying enough attention.

“Well, I’m fine,” she repeats. It’s clear she’s irritated but she’s trying not to fight. “And I got the light. In three days we’ll be back safe and warm on the Starblaster with the light. We win. Be fucking happy, Barry.”

Barry lays down and throws an arm over his face. “I’m happy, Lup,” he says. “Congratulations.” He turns over and pulls a blanket over himself. His fingers are burning now that he’s getting warm but he doesn’t care. What he wants is to go to sleep and wake up next cycle. Pretend this one never happened.

“You need to eat something,” she says.

Just the reminder makes his stomach rumble but he’s too far gone in his misery to admit it. “I’ll eat in the morning,” he answers.

Behind him, Lup huffs a sigh and mutters, “Suit yourself.”

In the morning, the first thing Barry is aware of is the shame he feels at how he’d acted. Lup is sitting, meditating. If she’s still meditating now, then that means she was awake for hours after he fell asleep even though she’d spent the whole day hiking through the snow alone. The shame thickens, wedging in his throat and making it hard to breathe.

His stomach rumbles again. He reaches for her pack and digs in it, hoping there’s food left in her’s. He finds a pouch of granola and two silver heatable meals.  He counts back, trying to remember how many there should have been in her pack. Has she eaten? He doesn’t know, can’t be sure how long he was out.. He has to eat, though. He’s holding one of the packets, trying to determine the best way to heat it because he can’t do the trick Lup can and he’s worried his Produce Flame will ruin it, when Lup moves.

She reaches for the packet and picks up the other one. “Let me,” she says.

He hands it over. “I’m sorry, Lup,” he says.

“It’s fine,” she answers.

In half a minute she hands him a warm pack of food. They eat in silence.

She gets up and moves towards the antechamber. Barry opens his mouth to ask where she’s going and she bristles, shoulders going square and tense. He shuts his mouth around the words.

“I’m going to find your pack,” she tells him. “I’ll just be right outside.”

“Okay,” he says, feeling cowed and regretful.

Lup is only gone about ten minutes before she finds his pack and gear. She climbs into the antechamber with it and adds, “I think we should head back today.”

He nods. “Okay, let me distribute the food from my pack and then we can take the tent down.”

She leaves the tent without a reply. Barry sits back and stares at the front of the tent. The tension between them now is awful and makes his stomach tight and miserable. It’s not like him to get so angry, especially with Lup, but he’d been so tired and scared and sad and hungry and frustrated and just… everything.

He’d apologized but it didn’t seem like she was ready to be over it. She’d found the light. She deserved to crow a bit and he’d ruined it.

And now with the light in the tent with them she was plenty warm. She could carry the thing back and they’d probably be able to push further with it keeping her warm and energized. She certainly didn’t need to snuggle up to him at night anymore.

He splits the remaining food between their packs and stows everything else that is left inside the tent.

They break camp without speaking. Now Barry is the one slowing them down. His stamina has been wrecked by his plunge into the water and the days of sickness and sleeping that followed.

“How long was I out?” he asks.

“At least three days,” she answers without turning. “But I was out of it some too at the beginning.”

Three days that he was mostly unaware of. Three days that she was on her own to worry and think. And their food supplies meant she’d barely eaten in that time. Of course she went for the light.

“Lup?”

“Just keep walking, Barry,” she answers and something in her voice stills his tongue.

They walk, Barry following the blur of red that was Lup ahead of him. From what he can see, their trail has disappeared under new snow. But Lup has the compass. Somewhere ahead is the Starblaster. Warmth. Something to look at beside white. He has spare glasses there, too, he realizes.

They walk.

By midday he’s lagging behind. She must know somehow because she stops, lets him catch up as she crouches in the snow to rummage in her pack. When he reaches her, he pauses, his breath coming in deep, ragged pulls. A cough tears loose and he can barely stay upright as he struggles for breath.

Lup puts her arm on his shoulder. His eyes are watering and lungs screaming but he can’t seem to pull in air between wracking coughs. Panic spirals loose inside him.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” she tells him, voice calm beside him as she rubs his arm. “Ride it out. Trust it will end,” she instructs.

At last it does. Barry sags under the exhaustion of the struggle for air now that it’s over.

He sinks to the snow, legs unable to support him anymore. Lup crouches beside him and hands him what she’d been holding. A cup of tea. It’s a reused bag warmed in the collapsible cup, no sugar or anything. But the heat in his throat feels wonderful and he drinks gratefully.

“Should I set up the tent?” Lup asks.

He shakes his head. When he answers his voice is rougher than usual and the effort hurts. “I want to walk.”

Beside him she nods then answers, “Okay. Stick beside me, though. And save your voice.”

Grateful, Barry nods.

When he’s ready they start out again. He walks beside her this time. The going is slower as they both forge their way through the snow but Barry feels less cut off walking beside her. It’s easier to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And when he’s wracked with coughing fits again she pauses beside him and rubs his arm.

The sun begins to set but the glow of the light in the net bag Lup carries keeps them in a clear pool of light until they stop. Barry helps Lup set up the tent until she pushes his fumbling hands away. After she dismisses him from helping with that, he digs in their packs until he finds the snow melt contraption. He folds out the bowl and begins stuffing it with clean snow.

Lup catches what he’s doing and yells at him. “Barry! I wanted you to get warm and now you’re digging in the snow again. You…” she sighs as his hands drop beside him where he crouches in the snow and he hangs his head.

“Okay, Lup,” he agrees. He’s so tired of the bristling between them. “I’m sorry.”

“Let me… Just let me just get the tent up,” she says.

He nods, still looking at the ground and he hears her sigh again. His shoulders pull in. He wants to make things easier on her but it feels like everything just annoys her more. But they’re worn out and she’s got to be tired of him by now, tired of the allowances he needs while he’s been sick.

When the tent is up she starts packing snow along the sides. She finishes one side and straightens, stretching her back. “Okay,” she tells him. “Come help me finish.”

They finish packing snow in silence and climb in. When the blankets are spread and they’re settled, she pulls out two silver heatable meal packets. “There’s one more after this,” she tells him as she hands him the heated packet. “We’ll split that and the last of the granola tomorrow night. We should be back to the ship the day after.”

Barry nods, “Okay, Lup.”

Lup lowers the bite of food she’d been about to eat and looks at him. “Barry, we’ll get back to the ship and everything will be fine.”

He nods again. “Thanks.”

She sighs and finishes her meal in silence.

When they finish their meal, they lie back in the blankets, the light in between them. The soft glow keeps them company as each pretends to rest and then finally both fall asleep.

The next day is much the same. The silence between them feels as frozen and brittle as their surroundings. Barry counts his footsteps and imagines falling into his bed on the ship. Sometime around 1500 he remembers they’d sectioned off unneeded areas of the ship to conserve heat. Even when they’re back safe and warm on the ship they’ll be on top of one another. Hopefully the presence of the other three will soften the edges that have gone sharp and hard between them.

When they set up the tent he helps, figuring if he’s irritating her either way then he might as well cut down her work.

Inside they share the final hot meal. Each of them are taking tiny bites trying to leave more for the other. The packet is half empty when Barry passes it over for the last time. “I’m gonna sleep,” he tells her. He turns and pulls a blanket up. He tries to make his breathing smooth and even, feigning sleep, counting his breaths as he waits for sleep to come.

“Barry?” she asks in a whisper he barely catches.

He should pretend he doesn’t hear her, he’s supposed to be asleep. But he responds quickly, “Yeah, Lup?”

“I’m sorry."

He turns over to look at her even though she’s just a blur on the other side of the light. “I’m sorry, too,” he answers.

She moves the light and curls up beside him.

This time when he closes his eyes it’s not long before he sleeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus concludes the snow cycle! New plane next time, I promise!


	15. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse and understanding comes too late.

The rest of that cycle and the beginning of the next are the kind of awkward for Barry that he hadn’t felt since those first few years. The difference is that Lup’s attitude is different as well. It’s not the comfortable friendship they’d settled into but it’s not the sometimes brittle teasing of the early years either. She’s careful around him. They work in the lab and sometimes they are like two brand new coworkers or extremely polite strangers.

It’s awful. 

Even after the argument the other six had at the soul crystal, things didn’t seem this strained between them.

He’d thought they’d apologized and things were okay. They don’t feel okay.

 

Barry passes through the common room heading to the kitchen for something hot to drink. The weather on this plane is warm but again and again, when Barry feels his worst he craves hot tea. He doesn’t particularly love the taste of it, either. Maybe he just likes the fact that he can have it whenever he wants. Those handful of days in the snow have instilled in him a greater appreciation for hot beverages on demand, for his glasses and the ability to see things, and a warm soft bed he doesn’t have to assemble at night, even though he hasn’t been sleeping so well in it. The nightmares have come back. Sometimes they are the familiar ones with the dark and the things he can’t see. But sometimes now it’s just white and nothingness without end.

As he enters the common room Lup’s voice stills and she sits up straighter. The others in the room - Taako and Magnus - look up at him expectantly as if he’s come for some announcement.

Barry wants to pull in on himself and disappear into a point of nothingness. But decades with this crew have translated his instincts somewhat. He squares his shoulder and barely misses a step. “Just getting tea,” he announces and continues forward. 

He exits the room and the volume returns to the room in his wake, laughter ringing out behind him. He doesn’t let his shoulders drop.

In the kitchen he takes his time, heating water, selecting tea bag, letting it steep, and hoping so hard that the group in the common room will have dispersed before he needs to pass through again.

But he re enters the room and the three of them go oddly quiet again. Barry doesn’t comment this time, just continues on, steeling himself for the sound to erupt again after he passes. It does and he continues down the starboard hallway but instead of returning to the lab he continues on and enters his berth. Only when the door is closed and the tea placed on his desk does he allow himself to react. His hands shake and his face falls. 

What the fuck was that about? What has he done to warrant this kind of grade school bullshit after all these years?

He should go to the lab and work but he doesn’t. He should at least get his tea and drink it while it’s still warm but he doesn’t do that either. For a long time he just sits on the edge of his bed looking into space.

There’s a knock on his door and it stirs him from his thoughts. He’s not sure how long he sat like that but the ambient lights of the ship have shifted to their evening setting. He stands and goes to the door, unconsciously bracing himself for whatever it might be.

He’s surprised to find Magnus standing there, more surprised to find the fighter looking awkward and uncomfortable.

“Hey,” Magnus says and his eyes dart away from direct contact with Barry’s. “Look, I wanted to apologize for earlier. I realized that probably seemed pretty rude.”

Barry doesn’t comment. He should politely deny the statement but he can’t find any words.

Magnus rubs his hand across the back of his neck and finally looks at Barry. “We were just teasing Lup but… Anyway, just wanted to say sorry.”

Barry nods and manages to mumble, “Thanks.”

Magnus nods back and turns to go back down the hall.

“Magnus?” Barry asks. “What were you teasing her about?”

“Okay, so, I didn’t really… It was about the two of you, alright? We were teasing her about you guys going after the light last cycle and when you came back with it you both seemed pretty miserable even though you got the light and neither of you have been in the same room for more than five minutes since then and, so Taako started… Well, we were being jerks. It was kind of just a twin thing with the two of them pecking at each other and I sorta… But you came in and it was funny because she clammed right up which isn’t really Lup but… Anyway. I’m sorry.”

Barry hadn’t realized everyone else had noticed the awkwardness between them. He should have guessed. On a ship this small nothing escapes notice for long.

“It’s not your fault,” Barry says. “Thanks for telling me.”

Magnus looks at him like he’s not sure how to take Barry’s response. “Yeah, uh, you’re welcome.” Magnus studies him for a moment before he leaves. “Maybe get some sleep, okay?”

Easier said than done.

Another night of no real sleep. Barry drinks the cold tea for the minute amounts of caffeine in between pulling on his clothes. It’s warm enough this cycle that he doesn’t need it but he finishes dressing by pulling on his IPRE robe over everything. It makes him feel more complete somehow.

He sits at the meeting table with everyone else and doesn’t remember where the morning went. If he worked in the lab he’s not sure what he did there. It’s a concern he’s uncharacteristically indifferent to.

“I need volunteers to go…” Davenport begins and Barry’s offering before the sentence is finished. He needs to get out of the lab, out of the ship, out of his own tangled thoughts.

He feels the weight of everyone looking at him but it’s the captain’s eyes he focuses on. 

“Okay,” Davenport answers once he decides he’s satisfied with whatever he sees in Barry’s unwavering gaze. “Magnus, how about you accompany him?”

“Sure thing, Cap’n’port,” Magnus answers without hesitation. “Where are we going?”

Barry would be ashamed to admit he doesn’t really pay attention after that either but who would he have to admit it to? They’ll leave in the morning and that’s enough information for him.

When the gathering breaks up Barry is the first up from the table. 

He hears someone say his name but doesn’t stop moving. He can’t take a soft, concerned conversation even if this voice is one that’s hard to walk away from.

At dinner time he avoids the group and instead heads to one of their two bathrooms. He takes a long shower, spending two solid minutes when he’s finished washing just letting the warm water run over his head. Eyes closed, mind empty, just the feel of water on his skin. It’s another decadence after last cycle when they had water to spare but no one could tolerate the cold of stripping down and getting wet very often. 

An hour later he realizes he doesn’t know if he is supposed to pack a bag, how long this mission is supposed to take. He goes to Magnus’s room and sees the man is stuffing clothes into a bag. There’s part of his answer at least. 

“Mags? How long is this trip supposed to take?”

The look he gets in response tells him he would have known this information if he’d paid attention but it’s too late now. “Why don’t I ask Taako to come with me?” he finally answers.

“Look, I just need to get off the ship for a while, focus on something… new. I’ll be fine.”

He expects to be refused but after a moment Magnus finally nods at him. “Should be about three days.” 

Barry nods and turns to go but Magnus catches his shoulder to add, “Uh, we won’t have to camp. In case you were wondering.”

“Thanks,” he answers gratefully. The idea hadn’t occurred to him yet but it’s a relief. 

In the morning he’s ready to go early. With sleep taking so little of his time it’s easy to be the one up and waiting. Magnus comes out on the deck and sees Barry and stops.

“No,” he tells him. “No, you haven’t slept. I get it, I do. Last cycle  _ sucked. _ But if you took a look at you right now, you wouldn’t let you go either.”

Belatedly the circumstances of Magnus’s last cycle come back to him. “Magnus, I’m sorry.”

Magnus gives him a long look and asks, “If we do this, you’re gonna actually sleep tonight, right?”

Barry nods but his verbal answer is more truthful, “I don’t know, Mags, but gods, I hope so.”

Magnus sighs and nods. “You sleep tonight or we come back.”

Barry agrees instantly. “Thanks, Magnus.”

“Don’t thank me,” he answers, his voice irritated but turning softer as he continues, “just… take better care of yourself, bud.”

They head out and Magnus fills him in on the plan, patiently explaining what he hadn’t paid attention to when Davenport went over it the first time. Barry listens, asking questions to both keep focused and prove he’s listening.

The two of them walk and their conversation wanders. Barry hasn’t realized how starved for it he’s been. Everything has been so awkward that he’s withdrawn down into himself which he now understands has made things worse. How much of the awfulness between them has come from him? Had he actually walked away from Lup after the meeting yesterday?

When they get back he’s going to fix things. He’ll talk to her and they’ll get that equilibrium back. He’s missed his friend. 

 

\---

 

The group they are going to negotiate with have agreed to trade the light for some supplies. Davenport is a little suspicious of them and is keeping the Starblaster out of sight. Other than that, this should be a simple exchange.

If Barry had been rested, had been less focused on  _ focusing _ he might have suspected a problem sooner. 

They’ve been put up in an inn and Barry is asleep, actually deeply asleep for the first time in days, when it happens. Magnus has been on watch because they trusted this group but they weren’t  _ stupid. _ Magnus wakes Barry and he jolts awake with the kind of awareness he’s been missing for weeks.

But it doesn’t matter. They’d been set up. Barry is flinging spells before he’s even out of bed. He holds them off long enough for Magnus to use the stone of farspeech to warn the others.

It’s over in less than two minutes.

His last thought is that he’s glad Magnus let him come because it means Lup doesn’t have to lose Taako for the rest of the cycle.


	16. Kitchen Experiments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Lup finally talk... a little. Barry works on a surprise.

When they regen into their 33rd cycle, Barry’s eyes catch on Magnus first. The fighter’s black eye is fresh, bruised newly dark again.

“What did you learn, Merle?” Davenport asks.

This is how cycles begin now, Barry remembers. It feels strange, though. It feels like only a few weeks into last cycle but here they are starting again.

Merle tells them what he can but for the third time, the information isn’t quite what they’d hoped to gain. And again, everyone is silent, considering, and Barry finds himself the one encouraging Merle to try again.

The first time it had been all of them talking the cleric into using his new skill to talk to their enemy but the last two times Barry found himself taking point on the discussion. Now, having just come back after dying early on a cycle himself, it feels even worse to encourage him to go back to his almost certain demise.

“We just don’t have any other way to try and learn anything from him,” Barry says finally. 

Merle agrees because it’s obvious. “It’s okay,” he tells Barry, patting his hand on Barry’s arm. “I know I have to go back.”

Somehow Merle reassuring him makes it feel even worse. Davenport and Lucretia move aside with Merle to go over a few more details from the parley. 

With that business settled, Barry looks to Magnus. “I’m sorry,” he says. “If I’d been awake then they wouldn’t have…”

“Not on you,” Magnus answers with a shake of his head. “You did great. We got the word out and you took a few of them down. Best we could have hoped for in that situation.”

Barry nods, not entirely convinced but relieved to know Magnus doesn’t blame him.

“We got the light,” Lup says in the silence that follows Magnus’s words. 

Magnus’s eyes go wide as he turns to her and Barry’s expression matches it.

“How?” Barry asks. The group that rushed their room in the inn had been large, pouring in on them in the small room. And their numbers beyond that had been overwhelming when he and Magnus first arrived that day.

It’s Davenport who answers. “The twins took it on themselves,” he says and his voice is that combination of pride and frustration that the twins frequently inspire in the captain. 

“But there were so many…”

“They were dead either way,” Taako responds with a shrug. “We decided on the version where they were dead but we had the light.”

“And some revenge,” Lup adds quietly enough that Barry almost misses her words.

“I believe the point is that getting the ship out…” Lucretia begins.

“We talked about that,” Lup says, sounding exhausted by the topic. “You two had it covered. We’re here aren’t we?”

The brittle silence that settles over the group fractures when Taako claps his hands. “Well, cha’boy’s gonna whip up some pancakes. Barry? Magnus? Any special requests?”

Davenport’s jaw works for a moment and his mustache seems to twitch with the effort of holding back words. “I’ll look for a place to bring us in,” he says finally before heading back to the helm. “Save me some with blueberries.”

Lup grins, looking smug. Magnus follows after Taako, then Lucretia and Merle, once again discussing points from the parley. Lup hangs back. Her smirk disappears and she asks, “You okay, Bluejeans?”

Barry nods. “Yeah, but look, uh, I owe you an apology.”

“Nah, we’re good,” she tells him and turns to leave.

“Lup, wait.” When she faces him he takes a deep breath and plows forward. “I wasn’t doing great last cycle and I was making things harder on… on you, on everyone. I’m sorry.”

“It happens,” she says with a shrug. “Don’t sweat it.” Lup moves to leave again then turns to look at him again. “You okay now, though?”

Barry nods. 

Lup looks at him for a long moment then pulls him over to one of the chairs at the back of the area. “Sit,” she tells him then doesn’t give him much option as she pushes his shoulder until he sinks into the seat. She drags a chair over and sits, one leg folded under her.

“Okay, talk to me.”

“Well,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “I… I mean, like I said, I owed you an apology.”

“I got that part,” she says. “But why?”

He thinks of the promise he’d made to himself just… what feels like just yesterday when he was walking with Magnus to meet the group that ended up killing them. It wasn’t yesterday for her, though. For her, for almost everyone, that was nearly a year ago.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says. “It was a long time ago now.”

“Not for you,” she says softly. “I… I get that. So talk to me.”

He wants to pull in on himself but he’d just… well, to his timeline he’d just told himself to fight that impulse. Yet at the first provocation he’s folding. Barry sits up and forces himself to look at Lup.

“I… After the, uh, after the thing in the snow, uh, I wasn’t sleeping good.”

“Nightmares again?” she asks.

His jaw clenches and the words stall in his mouth. He nods.

“Shit, Barry,” she says. “I should have realized.”

“It’s not your problem,” he argues.

“Hey, yeah, it kinda is. We’re all each other’s problems now, aren’t we?” she asks and her expression is a smile but he sees the bitterness there.

This has to be hard for her and Taako, he realizes. They were used to just looking out for each other. For him it was a relief to have other people to worry about. For them it’s probably just more work.

“Um, I guess when I let it affect my work, yeah,” he agrees. “I won’t let it get to that point…”

“Barry?” she interrupts. “That’s not what I mean.” Lup shifts in her seat, pulling her knees up with her feet braced on the edge of the chair. She wraps her arms around her legs and studies him for a moment. “Remember when we went to that park the year after, uh, that other year you weren’t sleeping?”

He nods again. Of course he remembers. It’s one of his favorite memories now.

“Well, I told you then that I’d help anytime, right?”

“Yeah, but you…” he stops the words but the thought must be plain on his face.

“But this time I was part of the problem, wasn’t I? After the thing in the snow?”

“Not exactly,” he answers, sidestepping the truth. “It’s just… I guess a lot of things caught up to me,” he finishes lamely.

Lup studies him for a moment. “I understand,” she says. “But I still meant it, okay? If it’s something I can help with, let me.”

“That goes both ways, you know,” he points out.

She stands up and tugs his arm. “Let’s go get some pancakes before Magnus eats them all.”

\---

Things are better that cycle. The balance of the group is still adjusting to Merle’s early disappearances into parley. 

He’s sleeping. Not a lot and not well, but better than the last cycle. 

This plane is calmer, not unlike their home plane. They are able to restock supplies. The light falls and they claim it quickly. 

Barry almost feels bad denying the people of this plane the chances at scientific advancement that the light might provide them. 

But if it means the plane won’t be destroyed, if it means they have the light to study and try to find a way to end this cycle of running and regenerating and just surviving… well, Barry will do what he has to do.

He and Lup work together and it’s better. Mostly.

\---

Barry is wandering the farmer’s market when the idea occurs to him. He’s going to make dinner. The thought hits him when he’s looking at carrots so, he decides, there should be carrots. They are multicolored; traditional orange, of course, but red, yellow, purple, and white as well. He buys heaps of them and then tiny multicolored potatoes as well. 

Barry fills a basket with the vegetables. He talks to the couple running the stand and they give him suggestions for the best ways to prepare them. He pulls out his ever present notebook and takes careful notes. Directions on oven temperature (and he makes notes to figure out how to translate this plane’s measurements for heat with what the Starblaster’s oven will have settings for) and the kind of oil to toss them with and what herbs to sprinkle over them are all meticulously written down. The couple give him suggestions for a main dish and where to buy those supplies as well.

He’s excited about the plan in a way he hasn’t been in a while now. He just wants to show the crew how much they all mean to him, show the twins how much their efforts are appreciated, and give them a night off with what will hopefully still be a good meal.

Barry’s whole morning disappears to purchasing the ingredients for the meal and to researching and double checking that he has all the information he needs. 

He’s almost back to the ship when he realizes he doesn’t have anything for dessert. He brings everything aboard and stashes it. He leaves it all in the bags and puts notes that say “Do Not Disturb, Experiment In Progress.” Taako will complain but it’s just for a little while and he’ll tell him the truth later.

Then he goes back out in search of the most impressive dessert he can make.

When he picks a recipe to use he decides to put the whole dinner off a couple of days so he has time to make these ahead and perfect them. It’s not enough to just make these apparently finicky desserts. He decides to make multiple flavors. And a special flavor he has in mind just for Lup. Or, a flavor she might like. A flavor that makes him think of her. That’s all.

For two nights, Barry sneaks into the kitchen and works secretly on his desserts. There’s a lot of trial and error. He has his extremely detailed notes but by the end of the first night he has used most of his supplies and made extensive corrections as he learned what worked better for both taste and presentation. He hides all the evidence and goes to bed just minutes before Davenport is up and searching for coffee.

The next day he makes excuses for staying away from the lab so he can buy more supplies. He’s exhausted but exhilarated. If he can pull off this recipe he’ll at least surprise the twins. This isn’t something they’ve ever made.

That night he’s yawning as he works but by the time the sun is almost up he has accomplished most of his goal. He hides the results and just manages to collapse in his bed before the first rays of the sun find the windows of the ship.

When he takes over the kitchen the next afternoon, Taako is offended. He protests on every ground he can imagine: Barry doesn’t know how to preheat the oven, he’ll dull his knives, he’ll poison them all, burn down the ship, and leave spots on his dishes.

Barry is calm through it all. He doesn’t let the elf bother him or at least he doesn’t show it. He sets the over, gets out his ingredients, smooths out his paper full of carefully outlined directions, and gets to work. Taako finally stomps out, leaving Barry to his preparations. 

Barry is still tired from the nights spent baking but working in the kitchen towards his goal is refreshing somehow. It’s like running an experiment. He separates things into areas and bowls, lining them up so he remembers when to do what. Taako and Lup work differently. When they cook it’s like watching a painter or a sculptor, never sure what their goal is with each stroke and movement. His work is slow and deliberate in comparison. But it’s okay, he decides. He sits down to cut the vegetables and barely notices that he starts humming.

When he gets up to double check something he notices Lup in the doorway watching him. He stops humming, embarrassed.

“Hey,” he says. He clutches his recipe in his hand, folding it and unfolding it only to refold it once more. “I… Did Taako complain? Maybe I should have checked with you both first. I just… I wanted to do something nice.” He looks around at the things spread throughout the kitchen and eating area and blushes. The twins never spread out like this. Their chaos is more localized.

“Sorry,” he starts, “I’ve kind of wrecked the place…”

“It’s fine.” She looks around and the smallest hint of a smile appears on her face. “How can I help?”

“Oh, no, I… I was trying to give you guys a night off. I can…” he looks around again. “It looks worse than it is, I swear.”

She looks at the vegetables laid out on the table. “How about I cut?”

He blinks then nods. “Okay.” The recipe in his hands shakes a little and he folds it again as he walks back to the table. When he sits he smooths the paper out beside him.

“Maybe you can tell me, actually. I, um, I have all these notes? But I didn’t think to ask how to cut these.”

“What are you doing with them?” She smiles at his vague alarm and rephrases her question.  “How are you cooking them?”

“Oh! Roasting them. Bit of olive oil and uh… Roasting.”

“All together?”

“Should I not?”

“No, it’s good. If you want them all done at the same time we should cut them roughly the same size.” She picks up the knife he’d left and begins to chop some carrots. Her knife moves in a flash, a blur of motion that hypnotizes him for a moment. Her long fingers work so quickly he can’t quite follow the movements. In a moment a carrot is a pile of perfect coins.

“How do you  _ do _ that?” he whispers.

Lup slows her motions on the next carrot to allow him to follow her movements.

He picks up a carrot and tries to copy her. The results are similar but his cuts are slow and precise. Each chop is followed by careful repositioning of knife and vegetable and fingers. He improves as they work but like everything else, Barry’s work is careful and deliberate while Lup’s is quick and instinctive.

When the vegetables are all cut he expects her to leave. Instead, she sits back in her chair with one leg folded beneath her and the other bent so she can rest her head on her knee as she watches him work. 

He’s self conscious at first. The recipe is consulted constantly. Barry moves around the kitchen more comfortably than he did when he first tried it a few nights earlier. The dinner preparation is progressing nicely and he’s surprised when he turns and sees Lup still settled at the table watching him.

“Sorry,” he says, blushing. “I’m not very good company. I, uh, I get really focused when I’m paying attention.”

“It’s nice. I like watching you work.”

His blush spreads. “Oh, well, um, it’s nice having you here.”

 

\---

 

The dinner goes well. The crew all eat it, anyway, even Taako. He doesn’t complain which is as good as a compliment to Barry’s mind. Barry begins cleaning up. The crew starts to leave and he stops them. “Just a moment, I have dessert.”

Taako raises one eyebrow but remains silent. Lup is more obviously surprised as he brings out the boxes. 

“There’s, uh, different flavors.” He pulls out three trays and places them in the center of the table, naming each flavor as he the dish is presented. “Pistachio, coffee, and elderflower.”

He bites his lip and opens the last box. His courage fails him and instead of telling Lup it’s specifically for her, he simply puts the plate closest to her. “And salted caramel.”

Taako picks up one of the lavender elderflower macarons. “Where did you get these?” 

“I made them,” Barry says just as Taako takes a bite.

He squints at Barry as he chews. After he swallows he says simply, “You didn’t.”

“Um, I did.”

“How?”

Barry frowns. “Do you want the recipe?”

“I just don’t believe you made these, Barold.”

“Okay. Uh, I mean, I did, though.”

“When?”

“The last two nights.”

“I knew someone had been in my kitchen!”

“I’m sorry, I cleaned everything the best I could and tried to put everything back where…”

“Taako,” Lup interrupts. “It’s not your kitchen.”

Taako waves his hand dismissively at Lup. “Tell me how you made these, Barold. I still don’t believe you.”

“Well, I had a recipe but I tested a lot of things and made adjustments. For one thing, you have to get the get the almonds ground down really fine before you…”

Taako’s overly dramatic sigh stops him. “Give me your notes, Barold.”


	17. Lime Green with Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An afternoon out ends unexpectedly.

By the end of the cycle, Taako has improved on Barry’s careful experiments with macarons enough that no one remembers who originally made them.

This is fine with Barry. He’s accomplished his goal of giving the twins a treat they didn’t have to cook for themselves. And best of all, things seem good between him and Lup again. No more cautious awkwardness in the lab. No more weird silences in the common room when he walks in. He’s sleeping better.  

And then they begin their 34th cycle and capture the light within hours of its arrival. Everything is shaping up to be a good year - almost as good as the year on the beach. He and Lup have a theory that might help them figure out how to triangulate for the light so they can find it easier and more frequently.

With that sort of great beginning, Barry is feeling more relaxed than he has in years. He manages to sleep through the night. That feeds back into his work as well, helping him concentrate. Within the first month of having the light, they have proof that they are onto something with their theory. If this works out, maybe there will be less times where they can’t find it or are on the wrong side of the planet.

Lup sits back in her chair, stretching her back and shoulders. “Hey, Barold, what do you say we get the gang and go out to eat tonight?”

“Sure, Lup, that sounds good. I’ll see who’s interested. I can stay with the ship if…”

“Nah, you should come. You stay too much. Someone else should take a turn. Except not me, because it was my idea.”

He laughs at that. “It seems okay here, maybe we can all go.” They’ve been on this planet for three weeks now. The place is a lot like their home planet but with about a third of the population. Cities are smaller and more widely spaced, devolving into tiny towns quickly with little more than rough trails connecting them. But there’s more than enough chance to find a good restaurant for the group.

Merle has already disappeared into parley. Barry and Davenport both tried to talk him into waiting but apparently he was ‘in the middle of a conversation’ that he was anxious to get back to. Barry had tried to point out it had already been months but there was no slowing him. Barry and Davenport had stood and watched him. Merle sat down and went transparent and then just a few minutes later turned to smoke. Barry and Davenport looked at one another and an entire unspoken conversation passed between them. There was no point in talking about it without Merle, though.

It’s a tension weighing on them both, on all of them. If they were getting anything from the meetings it might seem worthwhile. But each report Merle brings back feels like more information about them handed to the Hunger and nothing they can use to stop it. And then all of it topped off with an entire cycle without their healer, without their friend.

A dinner out would be better if it were all seven of them. These cycles without him feel divided. But still, a relaxed dinner off the ship with six of them would be a welcome change.

“I’ll go get Davenport, you find Taako. Then we’ll see who finds Magnus and Lucretia first, I guess.”

Lup agrees and stands up, continuing her stretch, cat like. “Deal.”

They walk out of the lab together and down the hall. Where he needs to turn to pass through the common room and she needs to continue down the hall to find Taako, they pause for a moment.

“Gods, Barry, I wish you’d come with us some on Tessaralia. They had the best restaurants. There was one place, I swear, Taako had a religious experience or something.” She sighs wistfully. “I wish we’d bought more of those spices to cook with. There hasn’t been anything like them since.”

“It’s only been a few years, maybe we’ll get lucky again,” Barry offers, smiling. He treasures these moments that fall like gifts sometimes. Moments he tucks into the pockets of his heart. A tiny space in time where neither of them have to be where they are but their orbits drift along together an extra moment or two.

“Maybe,” she agrees. Then she moves down the hallway to find her twin.

Barry watches her go. The lightness in her step and unconcerned bounce of her ears are like a balm to him, making his own anxieties feel lighter as well.

When he finds the captain, Davenport is going over something with Lucretia who is taking two handed notes on whatever it is. They both stop and look up as he knocks at the doorway.

“Lup wanted to see about everyone going to dinner in town together.”

Davenport frowns.

“I’ll stay with the ship,” Lucretia offers.

“I’ll stay too. We can get this finished and get something later.”

“That’s fine.” Lucretia picks up her pens again and the two return to their work.

Barry waits but the two have already forgotten he’s there it seems. He leaves to find Magnus.

Lup has already found him and they wait with Taako in the common room. “Are the others coming?” she asks.

Barry shakes his head.

“S’fine,” she says with a shrug. “Just us cool kids then.”

“Oh, is Barold not coming?” Taako asks, feigning misunderstanding.

“He is, but you’re staying.” Lup tugs her brother’s braid and flips it hard enough that his hat moves.

“Hey, don’t muss the branding!”

“Any thoughts on where we’re going?” Magnus asks.

Lup shrugs. “We’ll find something.”

The four of them wander town in no real hurry. They browse shops and chat, all relaxed and enjoying the afternoon. Taako spies a shop selling wizard hats in outlandish colors and has to go in. The other three wander the shop until they’re bored and then head back out to the street to wait.

They watch him through the window. Seeing Taako interact with strangers when they aren’t around is an odd experience. It seems like he smiles more but his defenses are up. Barry realizes that’s the Taako he met decades ago. He likes the Taako he knows better. Taako and Lup are both quick to smile but so rarely does that reach their eyes. When it does you feel you truly earned it. It’s good to be reminded that both twins have relaxed.

Magnus is distracted by a man walking a dog across the street. He bends to great the little brown dog, introducing himself to both man and animal. Barry thinks of the animal planet and Magnus rushing to save as many animals as he could even when they didn’t know about the regeneration yet. In the years since, Magnus has only become more dedicated to looking out for others. They are so lucky to have him always at their backs.

Barry wonders how much he has changed himself in all this time. Glancing back at Lup beside him he sees one of those true smiles as she watches her brother try on a lime green hat with a fringe of blue stars at the brim. Barry realizes that his change is that he has fallen more in love with this amazing woman. She doesn’t do anything by halves. Lup jumps into everything with every single iota of her being.

She glances at him and smiles. It’s another of those true smiles and her eyes shine with it.

It’s like his world tilts a little. Like his breath forgets how to travel through his lungs. It’s like Lup has smiled at him.

“Hey, Lup?” he hears himself say. There are words in his mouth that feel impossible to contain.

She raises her eyebrow but before he can continue Magnus is bounding back to them. “Gods, I wish Davenport would let us have a dog on the ship. Don’t you think I could sneak a little one on board?” He turns to look wistfully over his shoulder at the dog now pulling at his leash.

“What if it didn’t come with us, though, Mags?” Lup says gently. She links her arm with Magnus’s and leans on his bicep.

The fighter sighs. “I know.” He sighs again and looks through the window at Taako. “Wow, that is one hell of a green hat.”

Lup laughs. “Ten gold says he buys it.”

Once again Barry swallows the words. It’s enough to be her friend, he decides. Enough to be someone who sees those smiles sometimes. Someone who sees her gently cheer up a friend or tease her brother. It’s enough to be in her orbit.

After a while Taako comes out. He’s bought the green hat and wears it to dinner even though it doesn’t match his purple and white outfit. But he’s happy, talking about putting a subtle enchant on the star trim so they seem to twinkle.

They find a cafe and study the posted menu until they are all satisfied they can find something they want there.

From their table near the window, they are bathed in the warm orange light of the setting sun. It seems picturesque until the glare reflecting on Barry’s glasses is blinding Taako.

After a few moments of shifting seats around they find a way to sit where no one will be hit with the laser like beam shining back from his glasses. They’ve just settled back down when their food arrives.

“Not as good as Tessaralia,” Lup pronounces, “but good.”

“Nothing is ever as good as Tessaralia to you two,” Magnus points out.

Barry laughs and agrees. “Right? I ate in several restaurants while we were there but I didn’t have anything as memorable as they seemed to have.”

Taako sticks his chin up. “We had culinary experiences you peasants wouldn’t understand.” The stars on his hat dance in the movement as he speaks.

“I wish you’d come to this one place, Barry, you would’ve…”

That’s the last word any of them speak before the tremors hit. Lup and Taako grab each other’s hands.

It’s a matter of seconds in which everything changes. The building falls apart around them.

There should have been something to do, some way to fight it, some spell or action that would have made a difference.

But the wall beside them crumbles and a beam from the ceiling comes down. Both twins are buried right in front of him. Barry’s leg is crushed and something knocks Magnus out of his chair. The rumbling hasn’t stopped before Barry is pulling himself to dig stones away from where Taako and Lup were moments before.

He finds Taako first, the lime green hat muted by the dust and debris that has covered it. His neck is broken.

Barry is stunned motionless for a moment. They’ve all died, some more than others. But the twins. He’s never seen either of them broken and lifeless.

He’s scrabbling through the rubble after Lup by the time Magnus makes his way to help. Blood is sliding down Magnus’s face from a wound somewhere on his scalp but he doesn’t seem to notice as they shift through the fallen wall to find Lup.

They hear her. The sound is quiet among so much noise around them. People are calling for help and various alarms are sounding. And Lup is saying Taako’s name. When they finally find her she’s still holding her brother’s hand.

As soon as they uncover her face she turns a wild eyed expression to them both. “Barry! Barry, Taako won’t squeeze my hand.”

He reaches down and gently touches her face. A long piece of metal is across her chest and blood has already pooled around it. But her face is unmarked, not a single scratch or spec of dust.

“He’s gone, Lup,” he tells her. She already knows. She knows and he can’t lie to her.

She nods and coughs once and doesn’t move again.

Magnus pulls at his shoulder. “She’ll be back. They’ll both be back. We can help others.”

“We switched seats,” Barry says. “We all moved because of my glasses. They would have been on the other side.”

“Barry, you can’t…”

“It’s my fault.”

“You can’t… Fuck, you can’t… Look, let’s help other people, okay?”

Barry lets Magnus pull him up. His leg is broken but he barely notices once Magnus figures out and keeps him upright.

Hours pass in a fog and Barry couldn’t say anything that happens. Eventually they are back on the Starblaster.

Magnus says they helped people.

Barry doesn’t remember.


	18. A Quiet Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry struggles with guilt and anxiety after the earthquake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are references to issues with eating and keeping down food because of associations with trauma. The references are generally mild but occur a few times in this chapter.

 

The ship is quiet.

There are 46 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

He’s not sleeping. Concentrating is almost impossible. The only time he feels useful is when he goes with Magnus to assist with earthquake recovery efforts in the town below, Teawitt. About a third of the town has been destroyed by the disaster. All too soon his spell slots are expended, though. Then he’s just a tired, old man hobbling on a broken leg, trying to do what he can.

There are 45 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

Barry completes the experiments he and Lup had begun. The hypotheses they’d formed is proven. He has information now that will make it easier for them to find the light in future cycles.

It’s no consolation.

There are 42 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

With the cast off, he’s more mobile. He’s able to help more with the rebuilding. The break healed badly and he limps.

He works on the far end of Teawitt, away from the ruins of the restaurant where the twins died. The area where the restaurant was had been the hardest hit. For now recovery efforts are focused on fixing what can be repaired.

The work in the lab might be more important to their mission but he can’t focus there. Hours will pass and he’ll realize all he’s done is stare blankly at Lup’s workspace. In Teawitt he can follow directions from the people coordinating the effort.

He works. He barely sleeps. He hardly eats.

There are 40 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

“Who did you lose?”

Barry looks around.

There’s a halfling beside him, handing out sandwiches to volunteers. He’s been doing the same with water, handing out mugs and ladling water from the tub.

She has fiery golden hair and for some reason this seems very familiar. After a moment it hits him like a punch. Embrace, the golden mongoose from that first cycle. This woman’s hair is exactly the same bright, yellow-orange color.

“Friends,” he answers. Then, with the image of Embrace still in his head amends, “Family.”

She nods and hands over a sandwich as someone approaches. Barry gives the stranger a mug and ladles cool water into it as the man holds it. Barry nods to him and the man gives a tired nod in return then walks away.

“You?” Barry asks the woman.

“No one this time,” she answers. “My sister in the last one though. What was that, six years ago?” She frowns. “Seven?”

“I’m not sure,” he answers. “Sorry for your loss.”

She nods then crosses her arms and studies him. “Your wife?”

Barry frowns. “I beg your pardon?”

“Oh, sorry. You just… you’ve got that look of… Nevermind.”

Barry doesn’t respond. He takes the water basin to the pump. He leans heavily on it for a moment before he takes the handle. It takes several hard pumps at the handle before the thing is primed and water comes out. He refills the tub and brings it back to the station they’ve set up for the volunteers to eat. He’s slow and careful with the full tub and his awkward limping gait.

“She’s a friend,” he says after a while. “But I’ve been in love with her for…” He sighs, lets the breath out and it’s like his energy leaves him with the exhale. “A lot of years.”

He glances at the halfling beside him and the soft haze of pity in her eyes is another gut punch. He thinks of Embrace putting one delicate paw on his knee.

“She and her brother are the only family I’ve had for…” Again the only way to explain is with that indefinite phrase, “...a lot of years.”

“Was he… Too?”

Barry nods. It’s not fair, he realizes. This woman is offering him pity he doesn’t deserves. He can’t explain to her how it’s his fault. There’s no way to tell her how they are so much better, more useful than he is.

He shrugs, tries to push this guilt and misery and _emptiness_ to the back of his mind. “I’ll see them again.”

“Oh.” She squares her shoulders. “Sure. If you’re a follower of Teŏlon, that’s a comfort I suppose.” She turns away.

Barry grimaces. He’s offended her. She’s taken his comment as a reference to a religion or afterlife she doesn’t follow.

“I’m sorry,” he says, because he is. And because he will see them again while her sister will not return. “It’s not… It’s just a thing we say in my… my group.” It’s the best explanation he can offer.

“Does it help?” she asks. Her expression is still guarded but there’s an open curiosity in her tone.

“Not really. It should but it doesn’t.”

There are 39 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

Barry still doesn’t want to eat. Half of the time he manages to get something down he doesn’t keep it down. Any meal turns into thoughts of the cafe, of Taako lifeless, of Lup dying in front of him. Guilt wears him down even as he devotes more effort into using his time to help. He spends more hours in the lab, more hours in the earthquake ravaged town. Every time he tries to sleep he sees the things he could be doing to help, the ways he’s wasting having the light, wasting lab time, wasting being alive. What right does he have?

The twins would be more useful, would accomplish more, would be _better._

But he tries. Barry tries.

There are 37 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

“Magnus?”

“Hey, bud, how’s it… What can I do for you?”

“Um, I was wondering… uh, and it’s fine if you’re busy, but, uh, I wanted to ask if I maybe could get you to train with me for a bit. Possibly.”

Magnus’s smile increases the longer Barry talks. “Really? That would actually be great. I’ve been doing a lot of physical stuff in Teawitt but I don’t want to get out of shape combat-wise.”

Barry lets out the breath he was holding. “Great. Thanks. That would… I think that would be really good.”

“You’re not going to multiclass fighter are you?”

Barry laughs. “Ha, can you imagine?”

Magnus frowns. “Yeah, I can. You could use some work but I’m sure you could do it.”

Barry isn’t sure how to respond. He’s completely surprised.

“I mean, did you think you’d ever learn magic?” Magnus asks. “You’ve obviously done great at that.”

“Oh, well, I mean…” Barry stops. “You’re right. I just… I mean, I’m a little over the hill and a lot out of shape but…”

“But?”

Barry shakes his head. “But anyway, I just wanted to… uh…” He thinks again of Lup telling him to talk to her when he needs help. “I’m not sleeping very well… or, um, almost at all. I thought that might help. I mean, I’ve been doing, uh, manual labor stuff too, but…” He can’t look at Magnus. “Combat training takes thinking. I… I need to wear out both, you know?”

Magnus nods enthusiastically. “Exactly! I’m glad you see that!” He looks up at the sky. “I’ve got dinner duty tonight. How about mid afternoon? That work for you?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s great. I can take over dinner for you, too. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. But… maybe show me how you did those vegetables you made that time?”

Barry smiles. “Sure.”

There are 32 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

Barry and Magnus have made training together a regular occurrence. Then they share dinner duty, helping each other out on the other’s turn.

It’s helped Barry’s concentration. It’s helped him be able to keep a few meals down. Still, his pants are loose and his belt is on a notch he’s never needed. But even though he’s struggled with his weight at times, he’s looking forward to regen when everything can go back to normal.

There are 26 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

Lucretia asks him to go over what happened during the earthquake. She’s interviewed so many people and recorded their stories. She wants his perspective as a scientist.

He’s silent longer than he wants to be. He’s not sure he can distance himself enough to offer that. But it feels like a duty he should rise to.

“Can…” His hands are shaking so he puts them in his pocket. “Can I maybe write it for you?”

“Oh,” she says, surprised. “Sure.”

“I’ll do that for you as soon as I can.”

There are 24 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

It takes him days to get through writing it. In some ways it’s good for him to pick apart the memories and examine them as a scientist. To try to remember them neutrally.

But his sleep suffers for it. His eating issue returns.

There are 23 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

He wakes one morning in complete terror. The ship is still dark, the lights that simulate the day/night cycle throughout still on their lowest setting.

He pulls on clothes in a rush and goes to the person he feels most likely to help him.

“Magnus!” he says, throwing open the fighter’s door. “We need to evacuate Teawitt.”

There are 19 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

They hadn’t gotten everyone, of course. But they helped. Hundreds of people got out of their homes before the earthquake struck.

There isn’t enough left of Teawitt to rebuild.

But there are survivors. There are people who will build a new home away from the ruins of their former homes.

There are still 19 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

Davenport helps the people of Teawitt relocate. Barry studies the landscape and helps the surviving town elders pick the best location for their new home. They find a place with no evidence of earthquakes, away from fault lines, near fresh water, a place with the best likelihood for them to thrive.

The Starblaster ferries people, supplies, and belongings. For the first time Barry feels truly useful. Long days of hauling supplies combined with a peace of mind he hasn’t felt in more months than he wants to consider allow him to finally sleep deeply.

There are 10 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

With two months left in the cycle, Barry is anxious for the year to end. They have the light, Teawitt and this plane have the best chance of survival they can give them, and … he wants his friends back.

But he’s handling it better. He works, he sleeps. Time passes.

There are 8 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

As the cycle draws to a close, Barry once again runs the experiment he and Lup started that day. There’s just enough time to complete the test before regen.

It’s worth double checking his work. He knows he wasn’t thinking as clearly as he should have during the first trial and they may not find the light next cycle.

But if it works out again, they may have a better chance.

There are 6 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

“Magnus, do you keep muscle memory between cycles?”

The fighter considers the question as they spar. “Back elbow in a little more,” he reminds him and Barry adjusts his stance.

 

They continue for several more minutes and Barry forgets he’s asked the question as he concentrates on protecting himself and finding weaknesses in Magnus’s defense. Finally he gets a passable hit and Magnus commends him.

It’s not until they have water and towels and are doing cool down exercises that Magnus responds to his question.

“Your brain knows how to move the muscles but you might have to retrain the muscles to be good at it,” he tells him. “Like a few cycles back when I tried throwing hand axes. I knew how to hold it, how to line up. But the regenned muscles hadn’t gotten used to that hold.”

Barry nods.

“I don’t want to lose this training,” he says. “Never know when it might be handy.”

There are 2 weeks left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

“Magnus and I are going down to help New Teawitt,” Barry says.

Davenport’s jaw stiffens for a moment. Then he nods. Barry knows that the captain doesn’t like the idea but with the Hunger about to arrive, Davenport and Lucretia are prepared to get the ship out as soon as the barrier between planes lets them escape.

Barry and Magnus will help defend the town they’ve helped found against whatever the Hunger sends.

There are 12 hours left in the cycle.

 

\---

 

Merle, Taako, Lup, Magnus, and Barry regenerate on the Starblaster with Davenport and Lucretia.

Barry has an impulse that isn’t premonition related but he obeys it just the same.

Magnus has the same reaction. The two of them surround Taako and Lup in a hug.

Taako allows it for a moment before he asks, “Did you guys save my hat?”

There are 52 weeks left in the cycle.


	19. Blue and Purple Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Echoes of a long ago party.

Barry tries to let go of the twins but it takes him a moment to convince his arms to release their hold. Finally, a few breaths after Magnus moves, he does as well.

He limps a few steps away, realizing the habit is no longer needed just as Lup asks, “Why are you limping?”

Stretching his leg and bending his knee a few times he answers, “It mended badly after the earthquake and got to be habit, I guess. It’s fine now, of course.”

“Earthquake?” Lup asks. Before anyone can answer, she nods. “That makes sense.”

“Okay, but again, important question,” Taako interrupts. “My hat?”

“No, sorry,” Magnus answers.

“Fuck. I liked that hat.”

“We’ll get you another one, Koko,” Lup promises, throwing an arm around her twin.

She aims at Merle. “Learn anything good this time?”

“Well,” Merle begins. “He’s not bad at chess.”

“Are you _kidding_ me, old man? You’re playing chess with Hunger-in-a-suit?”

Merle looks at Taako. “Yeah, I am,” he answered levelly.

“Let’s reconvene in ten minutes to go over everything,” Davenport announces.

The group breaks apart for a few. Barry watches Lucretia gather her journals to begin taking notes. Everyone is back together and everything is normal again for the moment but he still feels like he’s drifting and lost. Idly, he rubs his hip before he realizes the gesture and drops his hand.

“You okay, Bluejeans?” Lup asks.

Barry glances up, surprised to find her watching him. He takes a moment, swallows, before he answers. “I’m really glad you’re back.”

Lup grins. “Thanks. I’d say good to be back but I guess you already know being gone doesn’t feel like anything.”

Barry nods. Being the one gone doesn’t feel like anything at all. Missing her, though… There isn’t any way for him to explain what that was like.

“You sure you’re okay?” she asks.

Barry looks at the others nearby. “Yeah,” he insists, trying to convince both of them.

 

—-

 

They are walking on a wooden boardwalk by the water. The gas and debris rings around this planet reflect on the dark waves now that the sun has set. It’s beautiful and the people here have been pleasant enough but Barry can’t relax. He knows it’s silly but being with Magnus and the twins again as they walk through town has him on edge. He’s avoided trips off ship for exactly this reason.

Lup has been giving him sidelong looks so he must not be doing a very good job of hiding his unease. He huddles down further in his robe. It’s chilly here, especially with the wind coming in from the water. Even Magnus is wearing sleeves.

Taako spots a bar and the other two quickly agree to make it their destination. Barry is just about to make his excuses when Lup pulls at his sleeve. “Come with us,” she says softly.

For a moment he sees her face surrounded by rubble, sees that light fade from her eyes. It chokes him, strangles the breath from his lungs. He grabs for her arm before he remembers that was last cycle, this is … it’s okay now. _She’s_ okay now. Everyone is okay. Even Merle is still alive, back on the ship playing cards with Davenport.

“Barry?” she asks.

Releasing her arm, he straightens and murmurs an apology.

“Come on,” she says. She gives him that smile that could make him do anything she asked. “I’ll buy you the first drink, Bluejeans.”

The place turns out to be half bar, half seafood restaurant. A waiter walks past with a tray of fried shrimp and for the first time in years Barry remembers the party where he first spoke to Lup. He smiles remembering her purse full of shrimp and the flowers on fire. Then the moments in the elevator return to him and his smile falters. He’d held those memories so tightly and then after the brittle conversation between them at the first crew meeting he’d walled them off and tried to forget about it.

Now it’s all he can do to keep from reaching for her hand, thinking of the way they’d walked to the elevator hand in hand, remembering how natural and right it had felt.

They’re given a table near a window, overlooking the moonlight and planet’s rings mirrored in the shimmering water.  

Barry orders something strong, hoping to chase away memories of destroyed towns and all too brief kisses in elevators.

The restaurant is a busy, charming little seafood bar and grill. After looking over the menu for several minutes, Taako decides he wants to buy fresh fish to take back to cook on the ship. He downs half his drink and stands.

“Koko, can’t we do that later?” Lup asks. She’s relaxed into their booth, her legs pulled up on the bench beside her as she leans against the wall. “I don’t want to go back yet.”

“I’m not going back, I’m buying fish,” he reasons.

Lup shakes her head and starts to get up.

“I’ll go with him,” Magnus offers. “I saw a place that might still be open.”

“Thanks, Maggie!” Lup answers gratefully. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she calls after them.

“If we find such a thing we’ll let you know,” Taako aims back at her.

As soon as the other two are far enough away, Lup takes a swig of her drink and speaks. “Okay, Barry, talk to me. You’ve been…” she sets down her glass and spreads her hands apart, the gesture filling in the words for her, “... since regen.”

“It was just a long cycle last year,” he says, not meeting her eyes.

“Hey, seriously, talk to me.”

Barry faces her and the words spill out before he can stop them. “It was my fault,” he says.

“The earthquake?”

“No. We all moved around because of the glare on my glasses. If we hadn’t, then, you and Taako would have been…”

“Barry! Seriously?! Did you spend the whole year blaming yourself because of a glare?”

He doesn’t answer. Yes, he did exactly that. Of course he did. But it’s more than that and he can’t put any of the rest of it into words.

Lup stands up and comes to his side of the table. She slides in beside him and wraps her arms around his chest in a sideways hug. “Barold, you can’t control the angle of the sun. I shouldn’t have to tell you that but…”

He’s so shocked by the hug that more words spill out. “It’s not … it’s not good with you gone, Lup. The ship was too quiet and it was my fault and I couldn’t do much to help with the recovery and in the lab all I could think about was you and Taako … crushed… and the…” his words falter and he realizes he’s crying. He’s crying in front of her like he did all those years ago.

“Hey, hey hey hey. It’s okay.” She rubs her hand on his back.

For a moment, Barry doesn’t try to stop crying or fight the hug. He lets himself just soak in the contact and allows the tears to fall. Then he strangles it back, fighting to get control of himself. It’s not fair to dump his problems on her. It’s even less fair when he's holding all these feelings for her.

“Let me guess,” she says, her face over his shoulder. “You weren’t sleeping either, were you?”

Barry shakes his head and releases her. He wipes his face. “It was all too much like…” His gaze drops to his hands in front of him.

Lup lets him straighten but she doesn’t move away. She’s still jammed right up beside him on the bench seat. “Like?”

Barry downs his whiskey. Over the last few decades he’s once more picked up the ability to drink now and again. No choking and sputtering like at the Founder’s Dinner. “Just something from a long time ago,” he says dismissively.

He can feel Lup’s lingering gaze on him, waiting for him to explain more. He remains silent, though, feeling like he’s dumped enough on her for one evening. Hell, enough for a whole cycle.

The sensation fades and he looks. Lup has her hand raised for the waiter. She holds up two fingers and points to their glasses, then nods.

She reaches across the table and takes the drink Taako left and pushes Magnus’s ale over to him. “Drink up, babe,” she tells him. “I think we’ve earned it.”

 

\---

 

The drinks keep coming and they keep talking, though nothing nearly so heavy. Or, still heavy but not as personal. They talk about the light - which arrived last month and they are still tracking using the theory they proved last cycle - and the Hunger and what they hope to accomplish this year.

Looking at the menu, they talk about ordering food but don’t manage it. Finally they give up the pretense that they’ll eat and get a last round before they head back to the ship.

After Magnus’s ale, and his two whiskeys, Barry had stuck with just ale. The alcohol has him flushed and warm - or maybe that’s just the fact that he’s still sitting hip to hip with Lup.

When their final drinks arrive she leans on his arm as she sips hers. “Being gone didn’t feel like anything but I still think I missed this,” she tells him.

Her words hit him like the whiskeys had - warmth sliding through him and branching out through his whole body until his skin feels lit up from within. Barry tells himself she could mean anything. She could mean the drinks or the bar or a quiet night or just pushing air in and out of her lungs. But her head is on his shoulder and it _feels_ like she means being with him.

When her drink is gone she toys with the empty glass, sitting it in the condensation puddle on the table and making designs from the rings of wet she leaves when she places it other places. They stay that way for a few more minutes, neither in a hurry to leave. Finally she straightens and scoots off the bench.

Barry digs in his pocket for money but as soon as Lup realizes what he’s doing she protests. “No, I told you I’d buy.”

“Just the first one,” he answers, smiling.

She plunks down a handful of gold. “Well, I got them all.” She holds out her hand to him and he takes it as he gets up. “Thanks for coming, Bluejeans.”

“I’m glad I did,” he says honestly. The earthquake has faded from his thoughts. The warmth of her leaning against his arm seems to be a miracle cure for that.

She takes his hand as they retrace their way down the boardwalk. Barry’s entire awareness narrows to those points of contact between their palms and in the spaces where their fingers twine together. It’s like her words earlier. Holding his hand doesn’t necessarily mean anything, could mean anything else. But it’s impossible to tell his feelings it isn’t exactly what he wants it to mean. His heart has long ago made its decision.

At the end of the boardwalk, at the place where they need to turn, take a pretty, tree lined path up the hill towards the place where the Starblaster is parked, they stop. They don’t discuss it. Both of them just turn towards the railing and move to stand there, looking out over the water.

Lup leans against his arm again and Barry’s arm goes around her instinctively.

“Barry?” she asks. Her voice is soft.

He turns towards her. She’s still looking straight ahead, watching the reflections play on the waves. The blue-purple light from the moon and the rings surrounding this planet make her profile look calm and steady. His eyes go to her mouth as he answers, “Yeah, Lup?”

There is nothing calm or steady about him. His heart is pounding so hard it feels like it might burst through his chest.

She squeezes his hand and looks at him. For a long moment neither of them speak.

Almost, so near a thing that for a moment he’s certain he moved, almost Barry moves his mouth to hers. The thing that stops him, the thought that keeps him still, is that they’ve both been drinking. Just like at that party decades ago.

As much as he wants something to happen, as much as he wants to believe something even could happen, he doesn’t want it to be the result of alcohol and unclear thinking.

Lup licks her lips and speaks. “We should get back to the ship.”

Barry nods.

She lets go of his hand and pulls her robe tighter around her. “It’s getting colder,” she says.

They turn and start walking up the path. It’s dark but it doesn’t bother him so much tonight. He pulls off his robe as they continue and drapes it over her shoulders.

She turns her face to him again, her expression once again lit by that blue-purple light that seems to have traveled a million miles just to trace over her skin. Lup smiles at him and reaches for his hand again.

Barry’s mouth curves up in response. In his chest, his heart clenches tight, overwhelmed.

The walk back to the Starblaster is shorter than seems possible but Barry would happily cross continents if it meant walking side by side with her a little further, their hands together. He tells himself again that he doesn’t need her to love him. He’s so, so lucky to be in her orbit, to see her and hear her and sometimes be the person who can give his robe to keep her warm. He’s blessed by some force - perhaps whatever pulls them all back together at the beginning of each cycle - to see the light of a plane shine on her face, work with her, and most importantly, see her alive and happy.

How could he ask for more than that?


	20. The Rightful Owner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day of reminiscing. Barry gives something to its rightful owner.

Barry has spent the day with Davenport, going over the ship for their semi annual inspection. They’ve built up a list of things that need to be repaired and replaced and another list of things to check on again soon.

Without Davenport on the crew they’d have been stranded not long into the new time frame of their mission. Since he was the one who designed and oversaw so much of the original building and assembly, he was the foremost expert on the Starblaster even before their home ceased to exist.

Merle has disappeared into parley and the rest of the crew have gone to town. With the inspection finished, Davenport and Barry go to the rear storage area. Back in cycle four they were able to get some equipment for machining parts that was compact enough to fit in the space they could allocate to it. In the past few decades they’ve become very adept at manufacturing parts. Thank the gods the most critical system on the ship - the bond engine - doesn’t rely on any moving parts. The environmental control and life support systems are all powered by the bond engine and otherwise have enough redundancy built in that they’ve been able to keep them going without serious issue. Everything else can be improvised. For example, the navigation information can’t be prepared ahead of time when there is no way of knowing where a new cycle will bring them. All of that is part of arriving in a new cycle now.

The problem with these inspection and maintenance days is that fitting into some of the places they have to check requires maneuvering into spaces and maintaining positions that Barry’s spine and joints loudly protest. By the end of the day he’s ready to settle in with heat packs and a muscle relaxer. But Barry pushes himself beyond that. If their captain can spend the day crawling through ductwork and between fixtures, checking every fastening and filter and still want to get started on building the parts they’ll need to replace, then Barry can damn well help.

Besides, Dav is in a particularly talkative mood today. In lulls, they’ve talked about the months at the Institute, the endless hours building the ship and preparing for the mission. They’ve reminisced about the people they worked with back then. The discussion manages to be fond instead of melancholy.

Still, by the time they quit for the night, Barry is feeling stiff and more than a little sad. So many good people gone and here he is, a tired, out of shape man limping his way back to his berth.

He detours through the kitchen. It’s been a long time since they broke for lunch. The rest of the crew are probably eating planetside. Davenport had mentioned cleaning up and going to meet them if Barry was going to be staying on the ship. He’d nodded, encouraging the Captain to get out and relax.

His own grand plan for the evening is to make a quick sandwich and then hunt down one of the heating pads. It’s a nice evening, maybe he’ll sit out on the deck with them if he can get comfortable.

His plans don’t last long.

“Hey, Barold.”

Barry looks up and the stiffness and pain is forgotten. The drawer he’d been searching sits open and ignored as well. A smile spreads over his face as he says, “Hey, Lup.”

Lup grins and holds up the things she’s carrying. One is a bag full of take out containers. The other is a paper bag she’s clutching tightly around the neck of some kind of bottle.

“Davenport contacted us to see where we were. I figured you could use some food.” She holds up the bag covered bottle. “And I could use a drinking buddy.”

“You’re the best, Lup,” he answers gratefully. “I was just about to make a sandwich.”

“I _got_ you,” she tells him. She puts everything down on the counter and opens the top container in the food bag. “It’s kind of like stir fry,” she shows him.

“It smells amazing.” He steps closer to see, brushing up against her arm as he looks. “Looks great, too.”

“You want to go up to the deck to eat?”

“That was actually my exact plan.”

“Grab some forks and glasses and I’ll meet you out there.”

Barry gathers everything, tucks the heating pad under his arm, and heads to the deck. Already he feels so much better than he did.

She’s drug two chairs and a table together on one side of the deck. For a moment, he’s surprised at her choice of location until he sees the extension cord she has hanging on the back of one chair.

He shifts the things in his hands to get through the door. The moment it’s open, Lup comes and helps, taking the glasses from him. Her quick steps have her back at the table and filling their drinks before he sits down and arranges the silverware between them.

With the heating pad plugged into the extension cord, he arranges it behind him, low on his back where the worst of the stiffness sits. As soon as the heat starts soaking in, he sighs in relief.

He can feel Lup watching as she sips from her glass. Feeling self conscious he adjusts the pad to sit more to the right side, hoping he can split the benefit between his back and his hip.

“Is it bad?” she asks.

“Oh… no, it’s just stiff, mostly. Too big and too old to be crawling in some of those spaces. But it needs doing and I’ll survive.” He ducks his head down and jokes, “And if I don’t, at least I’ll regen in six months.”

“Not funny,” she tells him seriously.

He glances over at her, thinking of her and Taako in the rubble of the restaurant. “No, you’re right. It’s not.”

She hands him the glass she’s poured for him. “Local delicacy,” she tells him. She takes another sip of her own. “Tastes sort of like plum wine.”

Trying it, he nods. “Long time since I’ve had plum wine but, yeah, it does. Spicier maybe?”

“Yeah,” she agrees after swirling another mouthful over her tongue.

The food she’s brought is excellent. It is like stir fry. There’s something similar to rice but longer, thinner, and with a taste that reminds him of almonds. Some kind of apple-like fruit is mixed with a spicy brown sauce and tender chunks of meat. Onions and carrots and other fruits or vegetables he can’t identify also make up the meal.

“Thanks again for bringing food back for me,” he tells her. “This is really good and not just because it beats the peanut butter sandwich I was going to make.”

“Taako and I found this place last week,” she tells him between bites. “The rest of the crew was going back there tonight. Didn’t seem fair for you to miss out.”

She moves to refill his glass as well as her own but he stops her. “I’ve got watch tonight so just the one,” he tells her. She nods and fills hers.

“There was this place near the Institute. Taako and I went there at least three times a week. Always split a bottle of plum wine when we could.”

“Davenport and I were talking about the Institute days a lot while we were working today.”

“How did you end up at the IPRE?”

“One of my first professors was Keil Sarthreli." Lup nods in recognition at the name. "Well, I took most of his classes by the time I was through being a student. I TA’ed for him then became a teacher. I ended up taking over a lot of his classes after he left and went to the Institute. He came to recruit me after they found the light.”

Barry takes another bite. It’s hard to believe almost four decades have passed since that meeting. Nearly half of his abnormally lengthened life. Those moments feel both recent and ancient.

“He wanted you for the exploration team based on working with you at university?” she asks, surprised.

“Um, not exactly. He wanted me to lead the research team.” He’s quiet, trying to decide how much to tell her about the compulsion that made him demand to be on the exploration team. “I, um, I insisted.”

Lup sets down her fork and looks at him. “It’s hard to picture you insisting on…” she picks up her glass and drains it. She picks up the bottle and refills her glass. “Fuck, Bluejeans. I’m glad you did.”

Not for the first time, Barry wonders about his premonitions. Where do they come from and what is the point of them? Are they in his own best interest or for some greater good? If it’s only his own interests then his being here now makes some kind of sense. He continues on while the rest of their home plane save for six other people on this ship have disappeared into the ever open mouth of the Hunger.

But what if he’s here because he might serve some greater purpose?

Barry hopes this is true. It drives him harder, certainly. He’s one-seventh of the razor thin line between the Hunger and the rest of existence. He can only hope he can one day live up to that responsibility.

“Me too,” he answers. The weight of it sits heavy on him. Obligation to be _enough_ and make a difference tempered with the blessing of knowing these people, of knowing _Lup._

They eat and talk and eventually Lup finishes the bottle. The heat has done wonders to counteract his day crawling around in the bowels of the ship. They’ve just begun to clean up the remains of the meal when Lucretia sticks her head out to let them know she’s back and can take over watch duties. The rest of the crew remains planetside for now.

“Thanks, Lucretia,” Barry says.

“Have a good evening,” Lucretia answers. “I’ll be on the bridge if you need me.”

She leaves and Lup holds up the empty bottle. “Sorry, Barold, too late to get in on this.”

He laughs and takes the bottle from her, gathering up things to take inside.

Lup follows him into the kitchen, putting things away while he washes their dishes.

“You always do that by hand,” she points out. “You could use magic, you know.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m just used to it. And I don’t mind. It’s kind of relaxing.”

She comes to lean against the counter and watch him. “Well, I do appreciate that you take clean up duty so often. I like cooking but I hate clean up.”

“We make a good team, then,” he says. He blushes. “In, uh, in the kitchen.”

“Hey, did you get a chance to check out that book?”

He rinses the glasses and grabs a hand towel to dry them. “I did. That stuff about magnets and magic was interesting. I’m sure it’s not as effective as they think or it would be more well known. But the thought that it could be a reason for spell failure makes you think.”

“Right? I’d like to try testing some of that.”

“Yeah! I made some notes about that, too.”

“Oh? Do you have an idea for an experiment?”

“I do. Let me just finish these…” He puts the glasses back in the cabinet and moves to the silverware.

Lup reaches over and picks something off his robe. He glances over, eyebrow raised questioningly. “Just a bit of fuzz,” she tells him with a grin before crossing her arms.

When everything is sorted in the kitchen, she follows him to his berth. The book is waiting on his desk but it takes him a few minutes of looking through his notes trying to find the relevant thing. While he searches, Lup looks around his room. Her eyes keep going back to the violin hanging on the wall.

“I can’t find the notes,” he finally admits. "Maybe I left them in the lab." He stands and stretches, ineffectively still trying to work out the stiffness.

She drifts over to look more closely at the instrument. “Do you play?” she asks. She gently touches a curve of the honey brown wood.

“No,” he answers and moves to stand beside her. He lifts the violin down from the hooks it has lived on unused for nearly a decade now. Barry places it in her hands and the same inarguable intuition that led him to purchase it flashes through him light lightning.

“You should take it,” he tells her. “I just thought it was beautiful.” After a moment in which Lup neither protests nor accepts the instrument, he pushes it firmly into her hands and adds truthfully, “It was never for me.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s for me, though," she protests jokingly. But her fingers curl around the neck of it, run lightly over the strings.

He reaches for the bow and hands that to her as well. “It is though,” he says.

Their eyes meet. It’s more than the violin. He’d give her anything. Everything. If she’d have it.

After a moment she bites her lip and her hands tighten on the instrument. “I don’t know how to play.”

“Well,” he says. “Hold on.” Barry steps back to his shelf to dig through the books crammed into every available space.

“It _is_ beautiful, though,” Lup amends half to herself, looking at the violin she holds as if it were a living thing.

At last Barry finds the book his teacher had given him and offers it to Lup. “I’m not sure how well you can learn violin from a book,” he apologizes. “But until we happen across another world with music teachers…”

“And violins for them to teach,” Lup finishes with a laugh. “Okay, then, we’ll call it a loan.”

“Well, I do know where you live,” Barry says with a laugh. “Should I develop an insatiable need.” His words replay themselves in his head and he coughs and blushes. “To, uh, suddenly learn violin I mean.”

Lup smiles and nods. “Never know when that might strike,” she agrees.

And then she picks up her book and tucks it under the book he’s given her, leaving with the violin carefully clutched in her arms as well.

Barry watches her go. He wonders if it felt like they were talking about more than just an instrument to her as well. After that bottle of wine, he wonders if she’ll remember the discussion at all. Tomorrow she might wonder where the thing came from.

That will be fine, too. He’s never been concerned about getting credit if something makes her happy. That flash of certainty when he handed it to her has convinced him it was the right thing. Even if it weren’t, it can hang on her wall as well as it hung on his. As far as he’s concerned, he just gave it to its rightful owner.


	21. When Options are Limited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry makes a choice that Taako doesn't agree with. (There is discussion of pregnancy and fertility in this chapter.)

Barry and Taako are sitting in a small room. It doesn’t look like a prison cell but they both know that’s pretty much what it is. They are both perched on small cots across from each other.

“Let’s work out a signal so that when you get back to the ship you can let me know you made it safely,” Barry tells him. “And, uh, let Lup know that the samples in the main testing chamber need two more rounds of…”

“No.”

“No?”

“I don’t think you should do it,” Taako says. His arms are crossed and he narrows his eyes as he continues. “Isn’t it a bit rapey? They want you to father a bunch of kids? I mean… I can’t believe you’re even considering this.”

“Taako, I’m not going to... do... _that_. I’m going to make a deal to help them but not… that. Then, in eight months this cycle will be over and they’ll never see me again.” Barry grimaces and adds, “Me or… my descendants. But if we don’t agree to this plan then they’ll never see next year at all.”

Taako shakes his head and stares at the far wall. “So what’s your plan then?”

“To figure out what’s keeping their own men from being fathers. I think they’ll realize that’s a much better solution.”

“You’ve got a lot of degrees but…”

“I know.”

“...this isn’t your area of expertise.”

“I know.”

“Probably the exact opposite of your field.”

“ _I know_ ,” Barry says, sounding tired. “But, seriously Taako, what option do we have here?”

“We wait and let the rest of the crew sort it out. They’ll…”

Barry pulls off his glasses and rubs his eyes as he interrupts. “Okay, let’s say we do that, Taako. Someone from the crew comes and maybe these people don’t capture them like they did us. Maybe they shoot down the ship. Maybe they just grab Magnus for the same purpose. Maybe they kill whoever is with him.” He puts his glasses back on and continues, “Which, if you’re missing, is obviously gonna be Lup…”

Taako’s jaw clenches and his face goes hard. When he speaks, his voice is cold, angry. “Low blow, Barold.”

“Taako, I’m not trying to score points here. I’m trying to…”

“I know,” Taako interrupts. He still looks angry but his voice doesn’t hold the same venom. “Okay, fine. You’re probably right. But have you thought about what I’m supposed to tell them? How we’re supposed to go the rest of the cycle knowing you’re here? Lup is gonna…”

“Lup will be fine. If you guys find the light then you and her can handle the stuff in the lab and if you don’t… well, she can handle it alone.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

Barry looks at his friend. There’s nothing to be said to that comment.

Taako sighs. “Without the stones working, you can’t even let us know to come back for you if something changes,” he points out.

Barry shrugs. “It’s eight months.” He stands up and walks to the door, knocking to let them know they’ve made their choice. “Figure out what signal you’re going to send. I’ll make being able to look for it and respond part of the deal.

“Six red bolts,” Taako answers instantly. “And you respond with the seventh.”

Barry nods. “I’m the seventh.”

—-

The relief he feels the next afternoon when he sees Taako’s signal is enormous. He’s been tense all day waiting for the sign. If they hadn’t let Taako get back to the ship he wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to do. Not help them, obviously. Barry holds up his hand to cast and looks at the guards assigned to him. He waits patiently for them to nod, signaling that the anti magic spell on him has been lifted long enough for a single spell. There are twelve of them. A dozen battle hardened women ready with both magic and blades should he try to use the opportunity to cast against them.

He doesn’t. He sends his red flare into the sky in response. As the anti magic settles back on him, he sees a silver glimmer pass across the sky. The Starblaster with six of her crew has left.

—

Sychen drags her fingers through her short hair. “I get it, Barry, I do. But do you think it’s enough?”

He leans to look in the microscope again. The equipment here isn’t what he’s used to, of course. It’s different in hard to pinpoint ways, both more advanced and yet several decades behind the level he was used to on two sun. Familiar but different.

Plus, every day for the last three months he’s thought about that conversation he and Taako had. Taako was right. None of this is anything Barry has studied beyond standard courses. Mostly he’s a theoretical physicist with specialization in planar theory. Merle probably could have helped them more than Barry can. And certainly faster. But he’s doing his best.

“I think this is our best chance,” he answers.

Sychen reaches over and puts her hand on his arm. Her touch is gentle and when he looks at her face it’s kindness and patience he sees in her eyes. She was one of the first guards assigned to him. Now she’s the closest he has to a friend. Even so, he is careful to remind himself that she is still his jailer. He knows what she’s about to say before the words are out of her mouth.

“Don’t you think we should…”

“Six more months,” he tells her. “Give me six more months to make things work this way and then we’ll do it your way.”

She balks, offended and embarrassed. “It’s not _my_ way. I just… we could have had several pregnancies by now.”

“I know. I… I really do understand. I just… I can’t.”

“We’re not asking you to…”

“I know that. But a whole generation descended from me? Then what about the next generation? You need more variety in the genes for those children. Solving the problem is better long term. For everyone.”

“A few children from your genes would help too, though.”

“Six months, Sychen. That’s all I ask.”

—-

Barry does understand. For all that he’s here under duress, he can empathize.

Eight years before the Starblaster arrived in this plane, a group who unfortunately looked very similar to their two-sun elves invaded. To the best of his understanding, these elves were refugees from an invasion of their own. In turn, they invaded these people. With stronger magic and longer lives, they gained control. Part of their was this pregnancy prevention - their idea of a bloodless extermination. In a fraction of their longer lives, the humans would have died out.

When those elves were defeated - supposedly dying to a plague they were more susceptible to - the humans had hoped the birth rate would return to normal on its own.

It didn’t, of course. And now, after five months of rigorous research and careful testing, Barry thinks he knows what the problem is.

It seems as if they’d done a kind of magical vasectomy. Quick and painless - since the patients hadn’t even known it was done - it was a magical block instead of a medical snip.

Barry has gotten enough people to trust him - or simply found people desperate enough to agree to let him use them as samples - to determine there is still viable sperm being produced. It just isn’t making it out of the body. They’ve now successfully managed four pregnancies from in vitro fertilization procedures.

But if he can figure out how to reverse that magical block, then he could be completely uninvolved going forward. Then they can continue without him once the cycle ends.

With three months left, he’s hopeful he can manage it.

But if the crew have found the light then it would be good to know these people can continue. They’ve allowed him his window of remaining personally uninvolved in the genetic samples, after all. Clearly they have no way of knowing he was never going to see the other side of that window. Not on this plane, anyway.

—-

 

He wishes he and Taako had agreed on some signal to let him know they found the light. It could be that all this work is for nothing. But maybe, like Lup believes, even planes eaten by the Hunger can one day be saved. He has to hope for the best.

In the meantime he can warn them.

"Sychen, I have to tell you something."

She puts down her pen and looks at him. "Why does that make me worried?"

He takes a deep breath. He's gone back and forth so many times on this. He has to tell them, but what if they blame him? What if they think this is a ploy or plot? There's an excellent chance that they'll assume whatever happens is something he prearranged with Taako or some kind of vengeance. There's nothing to be done about those possibilities though. He can only make the best choice for his own conscience and hope it works out.

"The reason my friends and I came here... there's something coming. Something we're trying to stop."

She looks at him and he's disappointed to see the friendly face he's gotten to know is gone. Now she looks at him with suspicion. "What are you telling me?"

"There's something coming. In about three weeks there will be an attack. I can't be... I don't have tracking like I would have on the sh... with my people. But I think it's about three weeks. It will look like the stars are going out. Then it will go dark in the daytime. And then the ... they look like shadows. My people... my family? We call them the Hunger. If my family found the thing we were here searching for then it will be an attack you can survive. I... Obviously I haven't talked to them so I don't know if they found it. I hope so. That's why I'm warning you. So you can make sure everyone is ready to fight it."

Sychen studies him, her face giving away nothing. "You haven't talked to them but you've known this was coming? All this time?"

Barry nods. "I didn't know if I could trust you. Sychen? I still don't know if I can trust you."

A look flashes over her face and he's gratified to believe it might be guilt.

"But I... I had to warn you anyway," he continues. "This isn't a trick, this isn't..."

"This is why you kept asking for that amount of time, isn't it? You knew this was coming."

Barry is silent for a moment and then decides to throw it all in. "I asked for that amount of time because I knew I wouldn't be here after."

Her shoulders square as the suspicion turns angry. "And where do you think you'll be?"

"When the time is up, I'll disappear," he says simply. "If you want to lock me up again, that's fine." He reaches out and puts his hand on her arm. He is gentle and kind. Despite all that has happened, he feels badly for them. Whatever is coming they will face while he regens back aboard the Starblaster. "But one way or another? I'll be gone."

\---

He spent hours explaining to Sychen. After he'd given her the summary of the last forty years, she finally seemed to believe him.

But whatever trust and friendliness had been between them was now gone.

And he was back in that room that wasn't a prison cell but was definitely a prison cell.

He knows he did the right thing but it smarts, going back to this point. He's only reversed the block on a handful of people. The preliminary tests were good but there hasn't been enough time for new pregnancy results.

He's made notes explaining the process as clearly as he could. Hopefully someone with enough magic to reverse the blocks will have the chance to read it and fix things for them if they don't let him work again before the cycle ends.

Hopefully the crew found the light and there will be an after the cycle for these people.

Barry stretches out on the cot. He lays his head on the pillow and stares at the ceiling. There is nothing to do now but wait and hope.

\---

Reformed on the ship, Barry takes a deep breath. He’d missed the smell. The Starblaster. Home.

“Did you find the light?” he asks as he turns to the rest of the crew.

Taako and Lup stand side by side, their expressions equally enigmatic.

Taako’s eyes dart to his sister and back to Barry. “Don’t worry. We found the light. No Father’s Day cards from the Hunger.”

“Taako, I told you…”

“You didn’t, then?” Lup asks.

Barry looks at her, mouth trying to form words through his embarrassment. “I…”

She pastes an awkward smile on her face, and that expression he didn’t understand clears. “I just… I’d hate to think of a bunch of fatherless junior Bluejeans out there…”

“No, uh… None of that,” he promises.

“That’s good,” she says. The smile is smaller but less awkward. “I’m glad there’s not any little denim orphans.”


	22. Unraveling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things fall apart.

For the first week of the new cycle, Barry has the experience Merle usually does after regen. He’s interviewed extensively by Lucretia. He’s offered his favorite meal by Taako. He’s crushed in impromptu hugs by Magnus and clapped on the back by Davenport. But then there is Lup.

In the lab things are strange between them. In one way it’s a lot like it was after the snow cycle, when there was a cordial kind of awkwardness. But it’s also not like that at all. After the snow cycle it was like too much had been said. Now it feels like there’s something that needs to be said that remains silent.

Feeling paranoid, he worries that she’d found something while he was gone last year. He’s afraid that somehow she’s seen some evidence of his feelings and it’s soured everything, that she is trying to figure out how to let him down politely. But it’s not like he’s filled a journal with his deepest thoughts. It’s all inside him. Again and again he regens with the feeling locked in his heart, in his head, in his veins. Again and again it grows and spreads. He doesn’t need a physical reminder. There’s no evidence of his feelings left behind when he is gone.

“Barry?”

“Yeah, Lup?” He looks up from the notes on last year’s experiments, glances over to the desk where she’s working.

“Was it…” She doesn’t turn to him but there’s a rare hesitation in the way her shoulders are set, the way she doesn’t glance over as she continues. “Was it okay last year?”

When he gave his account to Lucretia he’d mostly talked about the science, about the history he’d learned, and what progress had been made by the end. But that’s not what Lup is asking and he feels a strange compulsion to tell her everything.

But there’s no point in telling her most of it, is there? He made the choice to stay there. It feels wrong to complain about how things went.

On the other hand, it’s been weeks of this odd kind of silence between them. Maybe talking will help.

He pushes his chair back from his desk, angles himself towards her. “Mostly, yeah, it was okay.” He frowns. “They were in a bad position, you know? Their science wasn’t quite up to the problem and they felt like they were running out of time.”

Barry goes quiet. He isn’t seeing the lab in front of him, the familiar workspace of the Starblaster where he’s spent so much of his time now for decades. Instead he’s seeing the makeshift research space he’d set up last cycle. He’s picturing the windows along the back of the room, where people were always watching him. He’s picturing the look in Sychen’s eyes when he tried to warn her about the Hunger.

“They were nice enough, you know? In a lot of ways last year was like an average cycle for me. I was doing research most of the time and when I wasn’t, I was in a small bedroom space. It could have been worse. But... they were jailers. They didn’t trust me. And when I told them about…”

He stops speaking, suddenly once again aware of the room, of who he’s speaking to.

“Mostly it was fine,” he finishes.

“What happened?” she asks. She is facing him now and even after nearly four decades of studying her expressions it takes him a moment to realize what this one is. She’s both upset and angry.

He’s surprised by the reaction, confused about the source of her anger. “I didn’t tell them about us,” he explains quickly. “Just tried to warn them about what was coming at the end of the… I didn’t know if you guys found the light or not but I thought they should be ready to fight the Hunger…” he breaks off again, unsure if he made the right choice. No, he’s not. He knows telling them was the right thing. But the look on Lup’s face is worrying him.

“You tried to warn them and they…” she prompts.

“They didn’t like that I’d kept that from them most of the year. They thought it was something I was part of. I mean, both of those things were kind of true, weren’t they? I knew it was coming, I could have warned them sooner but…”

“What did they do?” Lup asks again. “Barry, did they…?” she doesn’t finish the sentence but her expression turns horrified. When she continues her voice is nearly a whisper. “Barry, did they hurt you?”

He doesn’t answer. He looks away, examining the wall beside him and the poster about lab safety procedures that has hung there since someone installed it on their home planet. The corner has pulled up on the bottom and there’s a faded spray of discoloration across it from some accident around cycle 7. Why haven’t they taken the thing down? They know every word of it by heart.

Barry looks back at Lup and takes a deep breath. “They thought I knew more than I was telling them. And they were kind of right, weren’t they? But I told them everything that would help them.”

He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter now,” he says, and even he can realize he’s trying to tell himself this more than her.

Lup pulls her chair over beside his and takes his hand. He’s reminded so strongly of that time she brought him soup and caught him crying. At least he’s not crying this time, he thinks. It’s almost funny. What was he so upset about then? He can’t even remember. Now he’s remembering being interrogated… being killed but he’s sitting here dry eyed.

“Do you worry about what these years are doing to us?” Barry asks her suddenly. “Is it making me jaded or…” he shrugs. He’s not sure what he means, just that his reactions seem off kilter.

“Hey,” Lup says. She wraps both her hands around one of his and just holds them there. “You’re definitely not jaded. If anything you’re the opposite. You’re… rubied? Sapphired?”

He smiles at the joke and her tense expression softens in relief.

She lets go of his hand and shifts in her chair, pulls her legs up and wraps her arms around her knees. When she speaks again, she doesn’t lift her gaze from the green and blue mermaid scale pattern of her leggings.

“I… We wanted to come get you. Argued about it all year.”

“Lup,” he says, voice tense. “I’m glad you didn’t. After what happened to them they… it would have been bad. It wasn’t worth…” Barry stops and then simply repeats, “I’m glad you didn’t.”

Lup looks up at him and frowns. Her expression hardens and she sits up, rolls her chair back to her workspace.

“Yeah, well, I’m not.” Her back is to him as she adds with an air of finality, “It was the wrong call.” She mumbles to herself and he barely hears the words “...worth it.”

“Lup…”

“Did you see the results from that last test?” Lup asks. Her tone is back to that polite but distant one. “If Magnus and Taako bring the light back tomorrow, I think we should start from there.”

Barry frowns, unsure what has bothered her. If they’d come back for him there would have been casualties on both sides. It would have been too much risk. And he’d made the decision, made it clear to Taako before he returned to the ship. They were lucky Taako had even been allowed to do that.

He sighs and flips through the pages until he finds the test results she’s talking about. “Yeah, Lup, that looks good. Maybe we could run one with that other variation, too.”

 

—-

 

The captain makes a face as Lucretia finishes her report. There’s a bloody skirmish that’s been going on here for apparently decades. The information they’ve gotten seems like it’s mostly over land and there’s no clear side to support. Something about the battle has made their readings for the light inconclusive.

“It would have been nice to get a break after last year,” Davenport says, sounding exhausted. “Let’s try to stay out of getting directly involved in this one if we can. I don’t want us choosing a side without a lot more information.”

“Which is fine as long as no one has the light,” Merle responds. “Are we going to get in the middle if one of them ends up with it?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Davenport decides. “Any volunteers for the next scouting foray?”

“I’ll go,” Barry answers.

Lup leans forward and seems poised to speak but instead shakes her head, looking irritated.

“With the stones working here, I can go alone,” Barry says.

Taako looks at his sister then rolls his eyes. “I’ll go with you, Barold.”

Davenport nods, “Just a short one, if the light isn’t in this first location we have other places to check. Let’s not invest too much time here unless we get more conclusive tracking on the light.”

As the meeting breaks up, Lup moves over to her brother and whispers into his ear. Taako’s eyes dart towards Barry then away again.

Barry tries to act like he didn’t notice, tries to act like it doesn’t bother him. He still hasn’t figured out why Lup is irritated with him. Ever since their discussion in the lab a few days ago she’s been brittle and brusque with him.

He gathers his papers and waits for them to finish so he can coordinate with Taako. Lup looks over at him and something softens in her expression.

“You two be careful,” she tells them, her hand on her brother’s arm. “I expect both of you back for dinner.”

When she leaves, Taako approaches him. “She’s serious about that, by the way.”

Barry’s eyebrows pull together. “Okay?”

“So, head out in twenty?” Taako asks.

“Sure. I’ll meet you on deck.”

Barry heads to his room. This is his favorite pair of jeans and he’d prefer to know they were safe on the Starblaster in case something happens again. He lost his favorite pair of boots to the events of last year.

Once he’s changed, he heads up to the deck. Taako is waiting, pack at his feet. “Ready, my dude?”

“Yeah,” Barry answers. “Thanks for coming with me.”

“Someone has to make sure you come back and after last year my stats are down.”

Barry laughs. “I didn’t know anyone was tracking that.”

Taako gives him a look he can’t parse. Maybe that year away from the ship has dulled his ability to read the crew. Certainly the twins have been enigmas to him so far this cycle.

They spend the day heading west, skirting around where the fighting is happening to the east. The Starblaster is staying out of sight so it’s a bit of a hike.

“I made sandwiches,” Taako tells him. “So we can keep moving while we eat if that’s cool.”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Barry checks the sun then their heading. “We should be getting close.”

They pause while Taako digs in his bag. “Found some fruit trees last year too. We tried drying some to make it last. Fuck, I’m ready to land on a cycle where we can just go shopping. Remember that place with all the fish markets? Was that really only two cycles ago?”

Barry thinks of the night in the bar with Lup, the walk back in the purple light of the ring circling the planet.

“Seems a long time ago,” Barry agrees.

Barry sees something in the edge of his vision. “Taako,” he says, his voice a low warning.

Just as he speaks there’s a flash of silver. He lunges in front of Taako, hands out to push the elf clear of the projectile. His palms don’t make contact because Taako has already Blinked away. Instead of Taako, Barry is struck. Something flares bright in his eyes and his chest feels like it’s on fire. He can’t see and his momentum continues to carry him forward until he crashes into a tree.

He hears Taako scream. “HEY FUCKO!”

Then the sounds of a spell going off, the familiar _thwump, thwump, thwump_ of Taako’s Arcane Missles followed by a pained cry as they find their target.

Barry hunches down and fumbles for his pack, trying to feel for a health pot. He can’t begin to guess what that thing was or what it’s done. Some kind of chemical grenade maybe? The analytical portion of his brain realizes he must be in shock right now. The pain hasn’t caught up. But he can’t feel anything. He gives up trying to find his pack by touch.

“Barry?” Taako’s voice is small, worried.

“I have…” Barry stops when he hears his own voice. Even from inside his own head it sounds scraped and raw, like a severe case of laryngitis. “Health pots in my bag,” he finishes. He holds his hands up. Whatever is wrong with them has to be visible.

There’s a moment then he feels Taako’s hand on the back of his head. “Tilt back and I’ll pour it in, I don’t want to… Don’t wanna make this worse.”

He trusts himself to Taako, and leans back into his hand. He swallows and for a moment the liquid burns. He’s taken healing pots before but this is awful.

“Drink,” Taako demands. “Keep drinking.”

He drinks.

It’s his vision where the improvement is most obvious. Slowly the white resolves into shapes until Taako’s worried face is clear. Now that the healing potion has done what it can, his overwhelmed nerves are once again sending pain signals. He is on fire. Every bit of exposed skin feels like it’s burning.

“Is… uh… is there another potion in there?” he asks. His voice isn’t as raw, just raspy and strained.

“Just the one,” Taako says. “We need to get out of here.” He looks nervously at the prone figure that had thrown whatever that thing was.

“Are they…?”

“Yeah,” Taako confirms. “But we don’t know if dude was flying solo or not.” He helps Barry up.

Barry gets to his feet. It’s difficult concentrating around the burning across his arms and face. Focus. Focus. “Should we…” His thoughts are scattered, too much of his awareness cataloguing the extent his skin is on fire. He swallows, tries to concentrate. “Should we go on for the light?” he asks. “They’ll… uh, they’ll only get more prepared next time.”

Taako’s jaw flexes. “Fuck.” He looks back the way they’d come then ahead again. “Twenty minutes,” he says. “Then we head back.” He studies Barry for a moment. “It’s gonna take hours to get back, are you really up for adding to that?”

Barry grits his teeth and hikes up his pack. “Let’s get going,” he says.

With the straps on his shoulders, the pack is manageable. His clothing protected his chest and shoulders at least. He focuses on his breathing, pushing air in and out in full, regular breaths.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Taako says. “Got a regular pair of fools here: Mr ‘Try to Eat a Grenade’ over here and the beautiful idiot humoring him.”

That’s how their final minutes pushing for the light goes - Barry trying to ignore his pain and look, Taako grumbling to himself as they continue.

“There,” Barry says. “Is that…?”

Taako halts and looks in the direction Barry is facing. He nods. “Start heading back,” Taako tells him. He pulls out the net bag they use to carry the light. “I’ll catch up.”

Barry starts to protest but Taako widens his eyes and points. “ _Now_ , Barold. If I don’t get you back to the ship this time…” He shakes his head. “ _Go._ ”

Their luck, such as it is, holds long enough for them to get back to the ship.

“They’re back!” Magnus yells from on deck.

“Get Merle,” Taako responds.

Magnus disappears inside as they ascend the ramp.

Carefully sliding the pack off his shoulders, Barry collapses into a chair. The pain has mutated again, no longer sharp. Now it’s a dull tide pulling him under.

“Uh uh, Barold, stick with me. Just cause you’re on the ship doesn’t mean you can die now. Merle will be…”

“What in the name of Pan happened to you?” Merle interrupts. He doesn’t wait for an answer as he waddles forward, pulling his Extreme Teen Bible out as he casts a heal on Barry.

The tide pulling him under recedes and Barry can think again. “Th-th..” He swallows and tries again. “Thanks, Merle.”

Merle frowns and studies him. “How ya feelin’ now?”

“It’s, uh, it’s… okay.”

“You’re a dumbass,” Merle says with a shake of his head. He tilts his head and studies Barry again. “Let’s see if one more covers it.” He holds his empty hand out near Barry’s face and casts once more.

Barry sags with relief. “Yeah, I’m… I’m good now.” There’s an unfamiliar tug of too tight, newly healed skin. He looks down at his hands. They are red and burn scarred. Tentatively, he touches his face.

“I’ve got some cream that’ll help,” Merle tells him. “But there ain’t much else I can do. Hafta wait for regen to fix ya up the rest of the way.”

“It’s fine,” Barry answers. “I wasn’t planning on entering any beauty contests.”

“So you’re feeling okay now?” Taako asks. His tone catches Merle’s attention and  the healer makes himself scarce.

“Yeah.”

“Then _please tell me what the fuck you thought you were doing.”_ Taako doesn’t scream. Instead his voice is scary calm but iced in frustration.

“I…”

“You warned me and I blinked. What made you think you needed to try to eat a grenade for me?”

“You did _what?”_ Lup shouts.

“I’m out,” Taako states, hands raised in surrender. He points at Barry. “But I’m not going anywhere with you anytime soon.”

“What is the matter with you?” Lup demands. She’s nearly shaking.

Barry can’t respond. The vehemence from both twins has him shocked and confused.

“I don’t… Lup, I was just trying…”

Lup crosses her arms and looks up, away from him. “Just because we regen doesn’t mean…”

She takes a breath and starts again, this time looking directly into his eyes. “Barry, you act like you’re fucking _disposable._ ”

“Aren’t we? To some…”

“I’m not talking about all of us. I’m…” Her voice drops again, and when she continues it’s almost a whisper. “You _always_ choose to sacrifice yourself. Even when there are…” She pauses, swallows. “Even when there are other ways to handle it.”

“I’m sorry, I…”

“Stop being fucking sorry. That’s…” She shakes her head and drops her crossed arms.

“Taako was…”

“Taako was _fine._ You need to… Barry, you… We need you _here,_ too.”

“Lup, that’s… I’m the least useful…”

She shakes her head again. “You’re not listening,” she says, sounding defeated. “I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” When she’s halfway to the door she turns. “At least you made it back this time.”

Then she’s gone, going out the door, leaving Barry alone in the room.

 

\---

 

In the lab, things between them are once again like the early days. Lup is a cordial coworker.

Again and again he finds words in his mouth but he’s afraid to make things even worse. There’s a vague sense that he needs to apologize for something but he still doesn’t understand. Was looking out for Taako so terrible? It was just instinct.

Maybe being cooped up together on the ship is wearing on everyone. Maybe him being gone last year has reset things between them.

Maybe next year they will find a plane like Tessaralia again. For a moment he pictures it; what if he could find a violin teacher for her? It seems like a perfect conciliatory gesture. The thought stays in the back of his head for days while he tries to come up with other ideas as well.

A few weeks after he and Taako found the light, Barry returns to his room after a long day of overly polite silence in the lab. He opens his door to find Lup has left something for him.

There on the bed is the violin.

Barry moves forward. Beside it is the book, a note tucked into the pages. He picks it up and reads, in Lup’s familiar curling handwriting: “I can’t seem to get the hang of playing so I don’t think it’s meant for me. Didn’t seem like I should hold onto it anymore.”

And just like that his vague hope for violin lessons as an olive branch vanishes. He picks up the instrument and sits on the bed with it in his lap. Giving it to her had been the closest he’d come to voicing his feelings. Having it given back… for one wild instant he considers smashing the thing. Smashing it, stomping it, turning it to splinters and string that looks the way he feels.

But it’s a beautiful instrument. Someone may be able to play it. For now he just stands, hangs it back on his wall.

He stuffs the note into the book and finds a place to squeeze it on his bookshelf again. Then Barry turns off his light and heads back to the lab. It seems like a good time to put in some extra work, keep his mind on something else.


	23. Dealing with Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time Barry doesn't get the chance to make the sacrifice.

Four decades now they’d been at this. In the normal run of events, Barry would now be 92 years old - an age he likely would not have naturally seen.

Sometimes he envies Magnus or Lucretia their youthful muscles and joints, their bodies that bounce back quickly from injury or setback without waiting for regen to reset them. But he has to appreciate that, despite his 52 year old body’s aches, pains, and limitations, he is still going, still sharp mentally, still breathing air, still here to do what he can to help, still audience to the wonder of Lup.

As they are reset, built anew just as they’d looked the day they left their home forty years ago, his eyes go to her first. Always, in any situation, that’s where his attention is pulled. Like a magnet his gaze finds her and, again like a magnet, she’s hard to pull away from.

He does though. Things are still frosty-polite between them. Every day for the last half of the previous cycle, he saw the violin on his wall and considered the distance between them, the distance that has only grown over the last year.

 

—-

 

After the warring, suspicious, _attack-first-and-ask-questions-later_ people of last cycle, the people they meet this year seem like a welcome relief. They are polite, helpful.

Not everyone on the crew shares this sentiment.

Lup, Magnus, and Barry are walking back from another meeting when Lup gives her opinion.

“I don’t like them,” she says simply. “I’d say they’re like robots but that seems insulting to robots. They’re all smiles and vacant eyes, you know?”

“I’ll take it,” Magnus counters, looking over at Barry. “Better than having grenades thrown at us, ya know?”

Lup shrugs. “I guess. But they give me the creeps.”

 

—-

 

That conversation plays itself in Barry’s head over and over later. It haunts him. After what happens to Lup, after how the rest of the crew reacts, Barry finds himself alone with his thoughts, alone with those words.

Well. Not alone. Not exactly.

 

—-

 

“They have the light,” Magnus tells Barry and Lup. They’ve been in meetings with representatives from this group for hours. They’ve been coming here a dozen times a month to negotiate for the light or the opportunity to search for it. The only thing different this time is that this meeting has lasted twice as long as any other.

Lup simply raises an eyebrow at Magnus.

“How can you tell?” Barry asks.

“When we go back in, look at the two in the back, by the left door,” he tells them.

“The guards?” Lup asks.

Magnus shakes his head. The fingers of his left hand work in his sideburns, stopping to tug nervously at the wiry hairs.

Barry recognizes the gesture. Magnus does it when there’s an altercation looming that isn’t something the fighter can solve physically.

“They’re not guards,” he tells them. “The one on the left is wearing his sword on the wrong side - he’s left handed, he can’t draw it from that side. The other one? You can see his nails, they’re perfect. They have been all week.” Magnus displays his own nails, painted purple but with nicks and chips missing because no matter how freshly done, he works with his hands too much to keep them nice more than an hour. “I think they’re the ones actually in charge.”

Lup glances over her shoulder at the closed door behind them. “Let’s go find the light then. They’re not gonna tell us the truth, let’s find it and bug out.”

Magnus nods and looks to Barry.

Barry agrees as well, something that will also haunt him. “They’ve been talking us in circles,” he says. “It’s not getting us anywhere and there’s only two months left now. They don’t believe us about the Hunger so they’re just wasting time.”

Barry faces Lup, “Do you have an idea?”

Lup grins at him and his heart squeezes. It’s the first open, honest expression of emotion he’s seen all year. It’s one of the last he’ll see from her for months.

“We tell them we got called back. Or… Magnus, you’re coming down with something. Probably something horribly contagious,” she says. "They haven’t been escorting us back about half the time lately and they really won’t want to if he’s sick. Then we double back, check out anything that looks promisingly suspect.”

Barry has a flash of unease but then Magnus leans heavily on him.

“Bud, I’m really not feeling so hot,” he says, laying it on only a little bit too thick. “You guys need to help me get back, not sure I can manage on my own.”

Barry nods. It’s a pretty good plan. If their strongest, most intimidating member looks like he can barely manage to stand then they should be even less of a concern to these people. He nods. “Okay, lets do it.”

Lup’s expression flickers from delighted, proud of them going along with her shenanigans, to a convincing mask of concern for her ill friend.

She yanks open the door to the meeting room they’ve been using, sticking her head out into the hall. “Gonna have to cut this one short, guys,” She hollers. “Our friend is sick and we need to get him home!”

 

\---

 

The plan is working so well. Magnus looks so sick that Barry is half convinced he _has_ come down with something. They are hustled out and left at the door instead of escorted to the gate.

Magnus leaning on them both, the three of them get out of sight then make a break for it. Lup is leading and Magnus and Barry follow more quickly and quietly than men of their size would seem to be capable of moving.

Lup leads them up an alley and around the back of the building they’ve been meeting in for months. She spots a window with a large planter underneath. Before either of them can try and stop her she’s on top of the planter and breaking a panel of the window with her IPRE robe covered elbow.

Slipping her arm through the hole she’s made, she unlatches the window and climbs in.

It takes some maneuvering but Magnus follows then the two of them help Barry inside.

“Lup, your arm,” Barry says. The broken glass had torn through her robe… and her skin.

She pushes the robe back and examines it. With a laugh she points out that there are seven ragged cuts, two meeting in an uneven V shape. “Scars for the whole crew,” she jokes.

The room they have found themselves in is a darkened library. The shelves are lined with books of all sizes and shapes. Quickly glancing over them with the thin afternoon light from the window, there’s no rhyme or reason to what is collected or how it is stored. Science is mixed with fiction is mixed with history is mixed with books about martial arts and sports and acting and any number of other subjects. The only unifying detail is that each has a red X slashed on its spine.

Lup and Barry share a look. “Okay, this is a bad sign, right?” Lup asks, running her finger over the spines, tracing the X marks.

Barry nods. This has the earmarks of a censorship collection but the subjects are so wide ranging there’s no way to make heads or tails of it.

“Hello,” a pleasantly disinterested voice says.

The three of them whirl to face the speaker, a young man who has stepped out from behind the lone free-standing shelf.

“Are you new?” he asks. It’s the tone of someone who has commented on the weather, filling silence because it is the expected behavior.

“Um, yeah,” Lup answers. “What are you doing?”

The man’s mouth quirks downward for a flash, too brief to be called a frown, before he answers. “Putting away the bad books.”

“Uh, bud? Isn’t it a bit dark in here to see?” Magnus asks.

“Well, they didn’t say to turn the light on,” he answers in that same non-tone.

“Okay, then,” Lup says. She seems entirely freaked out and she isn’t the only one.

Barry whispers, “We should just go back.”

Lup nods and they move back to the window. Barry climbs out first then turns to help Lup out. Only, it’s not Lup coming out the window behind him, it’s Magnus.

“She wants to grab a couple of those books,” he explains as he clambers out.

Barry’s anxiety is spinning up to epic levels. Everything about this situation is screaming ‘Wrong!’ and he wants them back on the ship as quickly as possible.

“Lup!” he hiss-whispers at the window. He’s relieved to see her rush forward again, almost to the window. She passes the books to him and begins to climb out. “These people are totally fucked,” she says, one leg out the window as she straddles the sill to duck her head through.

“That’s very rude,” a voice from inside the room says. Barry drops the books and grabs for her but she’s being pulled back in the window.

“Lup!”

Barry struggles to get through the window after her. She’s held on either side, arms twisted behind her.

Lup shakes her head furiously at him. “Go!”

“No! Lup!”

She twists wildly and frees one arm. “You don’t get to choose the sacrifice this time,” he hears her say as she casts. She points her spell to the corner of the room and the enormous free-standing shelf is knocked over, barricading the window.

Magnus grabs him, pulling him away from the blocked window.

“No!” Barry screams at him, fighting against Magnus’s hold.

But Magnus’s grip is like iron and he hauls Barry away from the window and down the street until Barry has no choice but to go with him.

 

—-

 

“Tell me again how you left _my sister_ behind,” Taako is screaming. “Because I still don’t understand how you let that happen.”

“Taako,” Magnus says, voice calm and reasonable. “Barry didn’t…”

“Oh, he did though. He spends how many cycles now sacrificing himself and then, when it’s _my sister_ on the line it’s the one time he doesn’t?”

Barry slumps lower in his seat. Taako is right. Why was he first out the window?

There’s a shimmer of magic and Taako leaps from his chair, knocking it over behind him in the process. “Whoever the fuck just tried to cast Calm Mood on me better reconsider before attempting that trick again.” He looks around the group but no one can bring themselves to meet his eyes. Without another word, he marches out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Silence fills the room until Lucretia moves to right Taako’s chair. The scrape of the legs tears through the stillness and they all wince at the sound.

“Okay,” Davenport says, “Let’s go over what happened once more.”

 

—-

 

It’s the next afternoon and Magnus and Barry are sitting in the lab. They have a large sheet of paper between them that they are both drawing on, trying to recreate a map of what they know of the building where Lup was grabbed. In all their meetings they’ve seen very little of it though, always with a chaperone except for those few moments in the library.

Lucretia knocks on the open door. “You both need to come up on deck.”

Barry turns hopeful eyes to her. “Is she…”

“Sort of,” Lucretia responds. Her mouth is tight.

Magnus reaches out his hand and pats Barry’s arm. Then they follow Lucretia out.

Despite having Lucretia’s reaction as a warning, when Barry sees Lup standing on the deck, he’s flooded with relief.

“Lup!”

It’s Lup’s face that turns to him at the sound but there’s nothing of _Lup_ in her expression.

“Hello.”

It’s her voice coming from her face. But even with only those two syllables it’s obvious this isn’t Lup. Even at the frostiest of moments between them he’s never heard her voice so blank and empty.

Barry looks to the captain for an explanation, as if there could ever be one. As if there were words that would make this something he could understand.

Davenport hands a folded paper to him.

Opening it he sees, written in neat block letters so uniform they could have been printed by machine:

 

> You left a very rude problem behind.  
>  This is how we deal with problems.
> 
> This is our final gesture of generosity.  
>  None of you are welcome to return.

Barry’s gaze returns to her. “Lup?” he asks hesitantly.

“Hello,” she responds again in the same empty voice. “What’s your name?”

He looks to Davenport, unable to find the words for all his questions.

“She was waiting below the ship about an hour ago,” Davenport says quietly. “She, uh, she didn’t know her name, doesn’t know us…” He looks over at Lup, who stands silent and unconcerned about the conversation happening about her just a few steps away.

“Does Taako know? Has he seen her?”

Davenport nods.

“Where is he?”

“He…” Davenport’s voice drops to a whisper before he continues. “He said that’s not his sister. That’s an empty shell wearing her face and he… he’s not going to have anything to do with her.”

Magnus rubs his jaw, his eyes darting back and forth between the captain and Lup. “He’s… I hate to say it but it seems like he’s…” He turns to Barry with a pained expression. “He’s not wrong.”

Barry shakes his head. “What if he is, though?” He looks at Lup, blank, empty Lup. “What if she’s in there and…” The thought is too much to consider.

He thinks of the young man in the library, thinks of every bland faced, emotionless person they’ve interacted with this year.

What did they do to her?

“Magnus,” he says. “We need to finish our map.”

“Why? There’s… Barry, there’s no rescue mission now.”

“No, but maybe there’s a way to fix this.”

The captain puts his hand on Barry’s arm. “That’s not a good idea,” he warns.

Barry straightens and asks, “Are you ordering me not to do it?”

Davenport’s jaw flexes. “I’m not…” He sighs, rubs his temple with one hand. “No, Barry, I’m not. But think about this, okay?”

“Lup?” Barry asks. “Do you want to come with me to the lab?”

She turns, no recognition on her face. “If you’d like.”

“Barry…” Magnus and the captain say at nearly the same time.

“She’s still Lup,” Barry tells them. “And I’m going to keep believing that until I know differently.”

Magnus nods slowly. “And one way or another it will be over in seven weeks,” he points out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Blame Tangerine_Catnip or this one!)


	24. Subtractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is struggling with what happened to Lup as well as the perspective it gives him on their argument. The rest of the crew have very different reactions to the situation.

“Maybe it isn’t her,” the captain says gently. “We don’t know what kind of technology they have here. It could be that…”

Desperate to believe that Lup hasn’t been so easily  _...erased…  _ Barry clings to this idea for a moment. It’s incredibly unlikely. It’s been sixteen hours since she was taken. How could they have possibly cloned her? Maybe some illusion, though? He casts Detect Magic before Davenport can complete his thought. 

The sight makes him lurch forward to catch himself on the table to keep from stumbling to his knees. It’s Lup. But a thick cloud of magic is settled around her head like a knotted mass of string. He’s never seen anything like it, never even heard of such a thing. 

“There’s...it’s…” he wipes his mouth with the side of his hand and tries to calm himself. “It’s magic,” he says. “Use Detect Magic.”

Davenport settles his attention on Lup. A moment later he curses softly.

Between them, Magnus looks back and forth between them both. “I don’t know what you guys see but… What about that cut she got on the window? Wouldn’t that prove it?”

Barry nods. “Good idea.” What he saw with Detect Magic has convinced him but it’s certainly worth checking. 

“Lup?” Magnus asks politely. “Can you push up your sleeve so we see your right arm?”

There,  a ragged and angry red, are the seven scratches from the broken glass, two of them meeting in a V shape. 

“Damn,” Magnus says.

It’s Lup.

 

—-

 

What he saw with Detect Magic has thrown aside his idea of raiding the people who did this, hoping to find a way to reverse it. Magnus comes to the lab with them anyway, though, to collect the map they had been making before Lucretia had come in.

“I’ll take this and keep working on it,” Magnus offers. “Just in case.”

Barry nods but doesn’t hold out hope for a solution they could find there. There won’t be a syringe full of antidote to this, he thinks. This isn’t intended to be reversed.

He drifts forward into the room, moves towards his desk. 

“May I sit here?” Lup stands behind her chair at the workstation where she’s sat for most of the last four decades, looking at it like it’s an unfamiliar sight. 

Barry nods, working to find his voice. “Yes, that’s uh, that’s your desk.”

She moves the chair out and settles into it, hands folded neatly in her lap. She turns and aims the same look at him: he is another sight that holds no meaning for her. It’s the polite look of someone sharing a waiting room.

“What do you remember?” Barry asks. 

“What do you want me to remember?”

The question feels like a strange mix of subservience and confrontation. Barry is knocked into silence for a moment by it.

“Lup, do you…”

“Is that my name?” she asks. 

Again, Barry is shocked into silence. “What do you think your name is?”

She shrugs, unconcerned. “Lup is fine.”

The statement sends a shiver through him. It sounds like she’s reporting on a mutual friend.

“Do you know where you are?”

“Where I was sent.”

“Do you know what they did to you?”

“Did someone do something?” 

Barry is knocked into silence again, considering her question. The obvious conclusion is that she doesn’t remember whatever was done. But he also realizes why her questions feel so weird. There’s no inflection at the end to indicate that they  _ are _ questions. It makes them sound confrontational even while her voice remains that emotionless and un-Lup-like tone. 

“Yes,” he says. “Someone did something to you. Is it okay if I try to fix it?”

“If that’s what you want.”

 

—-

 

Again and again over the next week, Barry thinks, ‘I wish Lup was here to help me.’ The thought makes him feel sick with guilt. 

It’s a learning process, dealing with her in this state. He keeps expecting a joke or some Lup-like comment. Every time she remains polite but …  _ absent _ … he’s gut punched once more with the reminder this isn’t Lup.

“It’s…” Barry says as he sits in another crew meeting. “Lup is locked away behind a knot of magic.” He looks around the table. These are some of the most brilliant minds he’s ever worked with. He could use their help.

Davenport nods. “That’s what I saw but… Barry, I just don’t see what we can do. We’ve got six weeks left until regen…” He doesn’t finish the thought. It’s obvious most of the crew thinks that’s the best solution: let the bond engine undo it when they leave the plane. 

He doesn’t argue the point because suddenly all he can think of is Lup telling him that not going after him on the fertility cycle was the wrong choice. It’s not the same thing but still… he’s going after her. 

“It’s not like she’s suffering,” Lucretia points out. “She’s not in pain.”

Taako stands, pushes his chair back, and faces Lucretia. “Fuck you, Lucretia,” he says, voice tight. “Is that how we’re measuring things now? Is ‘not suffering’ good enough?” 

Lucretia has the good sense to look stricken. "Taako, I..."

"Nope," Taako says. "I don't want to hear it." He shakes his head and leaves the room without another word.

Barry understands, feels guilty for making it harder on Taako. But at the same time he wishes Taako would help. He’s brilliant at magic in a way Barry can’t hope to be. Taako has spent his life with magic, fought for every scrap of power and knowledge. Instinctively though, Barry knows that Lup wouldn’t want Taako forced into anything.

“Well,” Davenport says. “We need to discuss the light.”

Barry tries to pay attention. He really does. But all he can think about is the fact that right now Lup is sitting in the lab, seeming lost in the familiar room, seeming lost in a way he never imagined she could look. 

After the meeting, Merle approaches Barry. “It probably won’t do much but I can try a healin’ spell or Dispel or somethin’ before parley.” 

Another wave of guilt washes over Barry. Every year Merle disappears into parley.  Barry has paid less and less attention to it. The information hasn’t been helpful but Merle keeps going, keeps sacrificing time in the hopes that something will come of it. 

“I’d appreciate it, Merle,” Barry answers. “I don’t think it will do anything either but I’d take another opinion on the problem, too.” 

“Sure, kid,” Merle says. His gruff kindness is almost more than Barry can handle. 

In the lab, Lup is sitting just the way she has every time she’s come in over the last few days. Her hands are folded together in her lap. The chair is pulled away from the desk as if she was afraid of disturbing something on the workstation. Barry had tried to explain some of what they had been working on but after fifteen minutes of polite disinterest and vague nods, he’d given up. 

Merle glances over at Barry then moves forward. “Hiya, Lup. How’s tricks, kiddo?”

Lup looks up at Merle without any sign of recognition. “Hello,” she says in that calm, nearly inflectionless tone. 

Merle leans against the desk, one hand lazily working in his beard, tugging and finger combing the wiry hairs. His gaze travels up around Lup’s head and Barry knows the cleric is inspecting the tangle of magic that surrounds her. Merle’s mouth goes flat, the ghost of a smile that always hangs on his face disappearing. Then it turns to a frown. He sighs, blinks, and looks at Barry with an expression of sorrow. He shakes his head nearly imperceptibly. 

“Hey, sis, how ya feelin’?” 

“Me?” Lup asks, looking unsure. It’s the face of someone presented with too many forks at dinner, unclear on which to use and not wanting to break unspoken rules. 

Merle nods.

“I’m fine, Merle, thank you.”

“How about I go ahead and dose ya with a healin’ spell? Just for curiosity’s sake, ya know?”

“If you’d like, Merle.”

Merle pulls out his ever present Teen Bible and holds it up showily. He’s hamming it up, putting on a show. Lup - their Lup, the one they’ve known for decades - would never let the show pass without comment. The Lup in front of them, the one muted by a confusing tangle of unfamiliar magic, only watches with the barest hint of curiosity.

“Almighty Pan,” Merle intones in a warbling voice with his Bible raised. “Work through me and come shine a little of your Pan-light on my friend here. Or more than a little if you’ve got it to spare.” Then he speaks his holy word and casts the spell. 

Merle’s magic is as familiar and different as anyone else’s. After forty years it’s just as recognizable as the dwarf’s own face. There’s nothing visual about it but it  _ feels _ green, feels like a spring day when you know the flowers are going to show up any time now. Merle’s magic always reminds Barry of the pond behind the house where he grew up and the ancient willow tree that slanted out over it, the way the trailing limbs seemed like fingers that wanted to skim over the water. 

Barry uses Detect Magic and looks at the scene from a magical perspective. Merle’s magic has nearly dissipated. A faint green shimmer clings to the tangles of brown-orange magic that surrounds her. Then after a moment that fades as well.

There’s no change.

The headache Barry has kept for days now settles in that space behind his eyes.

Without realizing, he starts picking at the knots of magic, trying to unwind them. And just like he’s watched happen every time before, the moment he starts trying to pull them loose, the cords of magic contract tighter.

“Barry...” Merle’s gruff voice is soft.

Barry drops the magic sight and looks. Lup’s eyes have scrunched closed and her mouth has pulled down in a slight frown. As he watches, the expression eases away, clearing to her neutral one in just a moment.

“Shit,” Barry says. It feels like the ground is tilting beneath him. Somehow he hadn’t considered he might make things worse in trying to make them better. He drops into his chair feeling overwhelmed and suddenly hopeless.

Merle offers him a commiserating look. He steps over to where Barry sits. “Listen, kid. Sometimes ya gotta do yer best and hope it pans out.” A grin spreads over his face. “Pans out. Ya get it?”

When Barry doesn’t comment, Merle offers, “Do you want me to put off parley a little longer?”

Barry wants to grab Merle’s arm, beg him to stay, to help, to figure this out for him. 

But his heals have no effect and really Barry just wants someone to fix this, find some simple solution that solves everything and doesn’t make things worse. Really, Barry is just afraid. 

There’s no easy fix. But he has to keep trying. And Merle has his own job to accomplish.

“Thanks, Merle. But I know you don’t like leaving it too much longer.” He puts his hand on Merle’s shoulder and squeezes. “Good luck.”

Merle nods and pats his arm. “You too, Barry.”

After he leaves, Barry just sits in his chair, unmoving, thoughts chasing each other in a circle. 

“Lup, did that hurt?” he asks, finally, when the question is too big to keep inside him anymore.

“Did what hurt, Barry?”

Hearing his name from her is weird with her like this. Since that first day she’s begun using everyone’s names when she speaks to them. He’s not sure if it’s part of that emphasis on politeness that the people who did this must be obsessed with or if she’s just showing that she knows who each of them are. But somehow it sounds different. It’s not just her tone or near lack of one. There’s an absence of  _ something, _ something is missing in those two syllables that he still isn’t sure how to name. 

“Before Merle left I was trying to … did that hurt?”

“No, Barry. It wasn’t painful.” She frowns again, the barest hint of expression. “I could feel something though. It felt strange.”

“Is it okay if I keep trying, then?”

“If you like, Barry.”

“Does it bother you, Lup? That… you’re… You know that you’re not… how you usually are.”

“Yes, Barry, I know.”

“Does it bother you?”

“Not really. You’re a very kind person, Barry, trying so hard to fix this.” She pauses and then looks at him, eyes meeting his. “I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be.”

The words seem to punch right through him, a mixture of grief and guilt filling the hole.

"But I think Lup wouldn't want you to tear yourself apart over this.”

The misery turns cold, angry. “Don’t tell me what she’d want. You’re not her.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he gasps in shock, his hand flying up to cover his mouth. It’s both true and not true. But saying it? Saying it is cruel.

This Lup, this body with the Lup he knows trapped somehow in a cage of magic, is a person made of subtractions. She’s Lup minus memories, minus emotion, minus laughter, minus joy, minus everything that makes Lup  _ Lup. _

“I’m sorry,” he says. “That was…” He takes a deep breath and starts again. “It’s not your fault.”

“I just…” He looks at her.

Her head is tilted slightly, eyes pulled tight with concern. She looks so much like Lup, like Lup when she’s not tied away inside herself, that words spill out of him. Everything that he’s figured out in the last few days sitting in a small room with this subtraction of Lup tumbles out in a messy spill of thoughts.

“You were right, Lup. Right about all of it. I didn’t… I never thought that my absence would affect anyone. I just thought… I didn’t want it to be you. I didn’t want it to be you and I didn’t want it to be Taako cause that would hurt you too. I didn’t want it to be anyone. I didn’t want someone doing without someone else and I didn’t think I…”

“I didn’t think that included me. But… that’s… I know that’s not fair. I know you care or you wouldn’t have gotten mad about it. I mean… I knew before you got mad, too.”

“And now I understand about trying to… about trying to fix it. Because you have to do something or it eats you alive... the  _ not-doing....” _

Tears are leaking down his cheeks, sliding beneath his glasses to drop on his shirt.

“I thought about you trying to come after me that cycle with the… with the fertility stuff… and I thought about you being killed, but worse, being killed because of  _ me _ and… I couldn’t face that thought. It terrified me. But, I know you. I know you  _ do _ and you  _ try _ and of course I couldn’t ask you not to do that, not to be who you are, and I… Lup, I wouldn’t want to.”

“Barry?”

He looks up, eyes wide. 

Lup is looking at him.

Lup. Really Lup. 

He lurches out of his seat towards her. “Lup?”

And it’s like a curtain closes. And she’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Tangerine_Catnip who not only had the idea but I also stole several lines from for Lup! And thanks to TakeWhisks for feedback! You guys are the best.


	25. Reaching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With only weeks left in the cycle, Barry is desperate to get through to Lup, to undo the magic holding her prisoner inside herself.

“Lup?” Barry kneels in front of her, his hands on the arms of her chair.

“Yes, Barry ~~?~~ ”

For half an instant, he thinks she’s answering him. That it’s Lup affirming her _Lupness_. But no, this is the subtracted Lup and her flat tone of uninflected question.

He sits back on his heels, disappointment heavy over him. For a second though, that was _Lup,_ he’s certain of it.

Isn’t he? All she said was his name. But it had been his name as a question, there’d been inflection at the end. And most telling - and awful - there’d been a quiet, hesitant fear. It was the same way she’d said his name that time he’d slipped on the ice in cycle 19. He’d hit his head so hard he’d had trouble focusing but her concerned voice had cut through the haze to reach him. (He’d been fine other than the enormous goose egg that had sat tender and sore on the back of his head for weeks.)

“Do you remember anything?” he asks because he can’t _not_ ask, can’t let the hopeful feeling go.

“What do you want me to remember, Barry ~~?~~ ”

“Do you remember that time I fell on the ice in cycle 19?”

“Where is cycle 19, Barry ~~?~~ ”

“It’s um, it’s okay, Lup. Nevermind.”

He goes back to his chair. What had gotten through to her? He’d been talking to her, talking like she was here and admitting she was right when she accused him of acting like he was disposable. Is that… if he keeps talking to her like everything is normal, does that get through that maze of magic somehow? Or was it because of what he was talking about?

Grabbing paper, Barry starts making notes about everything that he can remember saying to her. He has to get it down as quickly as possible while he remembers so he knows what else to try. Three pages are full of his rush scrawled handwriting by the time he finishes. He glances over them, trying to view them as a scientist, trying to see possible triggers, testable parameters.

He can’t though. Lup isn’t a science project. She’s not a test. What he sees aren’t replicable points of data. What he sees are the things he longs to say to her, things he didn’t understand until this _made him_ understand.

He looks up and it’s _not_ Lup watching him.

Suddenly he’s angry. He’s furious. How _dare_ those people do this to anyone? How dare they do it to _her._ She’s LUP. They have no right. They have no right to do this to anyone.

And because she was rude? Because they took offense?

A heady image fills his head for a moment. He could go down, go back to that town. He’s got thirty some years of learning magic, growing steadily in power. He could probably destroy that building, wreck whatever facility they use to do this. Pull the whole thing down on their heads, show them what it’s like to…

Thoughts of revenge crumble. What would give him the right either?

The Lup that isn’t Lup is still looking at him impassively.

This is his fault as much as anyone else’s. She’d knocked down that bookcase so he and Magnus would go, so she could show him what watching the sacrifice was like. She could have done something else, could have set her fire magic on the people who’d grabbed her, could have …

“It should have been me, Lup. I know you wouldn’t want me to say that. That’s the point you were trying to make…” He breaks off, trying to get his emotions under control.

“What point was she trying to make?”

Barry’s head jerks up to see Taako in the doorway.

“What point was my sister trying to make?”

Barry’s mouth opens and closes a few times, trying to figure out how to explain. “Taako…”

Taako moves closer and it’s disconcerting to see how quickly he moves. The twins are both long legged and tall, agile and quick when they want to be. But in the normal course of events Taako moves slowly, languid and unhurried. But anger has quickened him.

“When she got caught,” Barry says, his voice harsh and thick with regret, “she was in the room and we… I was outside. She knocked a bookcase over to block us… to block me from coming after her.” He doesn’t want to face Taako but he forces himself to meet Lup’s twin’s eyes. He’s earned every bit of Taako’s anger. “And she said I didn’t get to choose the sacrifice this time.”

“She chose it.” Taako’s voice is so flat that it makes Barry nauseous. He almost sounds like Lup while she’s trapped inside this magical cocoon.

The emotionless tone doesn’t last though. “She _chose_ it. Because of you.” By the time he reaches the final word he spits it out, looking at Barry with utter disdain and disgust. “My sister is like _this_ because she wanted to teach you a lesson? Is that what you are telling me?”

Barry can’t speak, his throat has closed up around a knot of pure despair.

“You’re right. It _should_ have been you. Then we’d all get what we want. You get to eat the grenade, go be dead the way you do so well since it’s the only thing you contribute. And no one takes my sister from me. And she wouldn’t have to be miserable because Barry killed himself again because you’d still be here, you’d be the empty, agreeable one. And then how would we fucking tell?”

There’s only one thing that could break through the tidal wave of anguish Barry is drowning in.

“Taako, stop. Please.”

Lup is curled over, arms clutched around herself. Tears streak her cheeks.

“Lulu?” Taako’s voice is small, unsure. There’s no trace of the icy venom from a moment earlier. “I’m sorry, Lulu, I…”

Then it drains from her. Her arms slide to her lap, her back straightens, her face clears.

“Lup, please…” Taako reaches for her, takes her hand and pulls as if he could yank her back out of the prison holding her inside herself. “Come back, Lulu, I’m sorry!”

He turns to Barry. “That…that was her.” He sounds completely broken.

Barry nods. He kneels beside Taako and pulls him into a hug. The elf collapses against him, sobbing into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Taako,” he says, his own voice as choked with misery as Taako’s. “I got through to her for a moment too, I should have warned you.”

Taako pulls back to face him, arms still around him. “You did? What worked? Can we… can we use it to break her out?”

“I don’t know. It just happened and I was trying to figure it out. I…” He lets go of Taako and sits back, leaning against the counter. He looks up at _not_ Lup sitting looking unconcerned about the scene in front of her, unaffected by her brother and friend sitting in the floor crying, unaware of the still wet tracks on her own face.

“I was telling her that she was right - you’re both right - about me…” Barry draws his knees up and crosses his arms over them, staring at his hands. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly as he gathers courage for the words. It’s harder to admit to Taako, somehow. “Taako, what you said about… about me being dead, about that being how I contribute…”

“Barry… I was… You know I was just pissed off and…”

They both look at Lup but there’s no reaction.

“I know, Taako. It’s okay. Cause, well, it’s true. I’ve figured if I can keep you safe then she doesn’t…” He stops for another sigh then pushes the words out. “Then she doesn’t have to be without you. If I’m gone but you two are safe or we have the light or it’s just, I thought that was the best I could do. I never stopped to, uh, to think about anyone missing me. And then I quit trying to find other ways…”

“But that’s done now?”

Barry nods. “Yeah.”

“About fucking time.”

A smile ghosts over Barry’s face briefly. “Yeah.”

“So you made a speech like that to her and …” Taako looks at his sister, “and that got a reaction?”

“Yeah, it was… it was only a moment. Not even as long as, uh, as what you saw. But a reaction.”

“Hey, Lulu!” Taako pitches his voice as if he’d calling across a large distance instead of the couple of feet between the twins. “Greg Grimaldis is out there and he says he doesn’t owe you anything. In fact you owe _him_ $15.”

Barry and Taako both study her face but there’s nothing at all.

After a moment, Lup asks, “Am I ‘Lulu’ now ~~?~~ ”

“Definitely not,” Taako says, shoulders sagging.

He stands and reaches a hand out to help Barry up. “What’s the plan now, Barold? Keep trying?”

“Keep trying,” Barry agrees.

 

\---

 

The cycle continues to wind down and that’s what they do. Every day they try a new tactic. They talk, they fight, they cry, they cajole. Taako cooks. A few times they think they see a fleeting glimpse of an emotion but that’s all.

Barry feels guilty for _not_ Lup, too. Taako is so kind to her, though. When she doesn’t seem tempted by Lup’s favorite foods, the complicated dishes or attempts to recreate the Tessaralian meals the two of them had eaten together that he hopes will poke holes in that cloud of magic holding her, he simply offers them to her with a gentle, “Try it. I think you’ll like it.”

Taako spends hours with her. He talks about their childhood, about their time at the Institute, anything he can think of. And when he can’t take anymore he disappears.

Neither of them can say the thing that torments them both. What if regen doesn’t fix this?

So after every failure, after every temporary withdrawal Taako has to make, after every disappointment, they come back the next day and try again.

 

Then it’s the last day.

“Listen, Barold, uh, why don’t you… Look, I’m out of ideas.” Taako’s eyes are wide and unfocused on anything in particular, staring at the middle distance over Barry’s shoulder as he speaks. He shakes his head slightly, a movement so slight it doesn’t even move the fringe on his hat. Then he pulls his head to the side and looks over his shoulder at Lup. She’s sitting in the lab the same way she has every day for weeks, her hands loose in her lap, unconcerned with her surroundings. “And I’m starting to feel like I need to apologize to _that one_ for hoping this is the last time I see her empty…” His mouth snaps shut. “Anyway. There’s just a couple hours left and…” He looks up, eyes meeting Barry’s and the fear hangs on him like a cloak. “And then we’ll know.”

Barry nods. “It’ll be okay, Taako,” he says, though he doesn’t know. “She’ll be fine,” he says, though he can only hope.

Taako nods, looking like he’s trying to absorb the words, attempting to believe them hard enough to make them true.

“See you on deck.”

Barry watches Taako walk away. He stands looking at the empty hallway for a moment after Taako turns the corner.

There’s one thing left he hasn’t tried and he’s not sure he can do it.

But he has to try.

He closes the lab door and crosses the room. He pulls the chair over near Lup’s and reaches for her hands. She looks down at his fingers wrapped around hers and then up at his face.

“Lup, I…”

Oh, this is so much harder than he ever imagined. And it’s unfair. He doesn’t want to say these words to a blank, empty version of her face. If it ever happened he thought it would be…

He takes a deep breath, pushes those imaginary scenes out of his head, and faces the Lup that’s in front of him now. His stomach drops and maybe it’s Davenport pushing the ship to her limits and maybe it’s the thought of saying these things at last.

“Lup, I need you to… I need you to come back, okay? Whatever you have to do. Or tell me what to do. I… I’d do anything, Lup. I just… I need you to… I need you.”

He can feel his eyes stinging and blinks, trying to clear it and just get through these words he needs to say.

“I know you’re in there and I don’t know if you can hear me or how this works but… There’s something I need to tell you, Lup.”

He looks down at their twined fingers and he blinks harder, trying to focus. There’s light pulling out of their joined hands. Strands of it shine and stretch and…

“Fuck! Lup, it’s early! Regen is early! We were supposed to have more time! I… Lup! Please, you’ve gotta fight in there, you’ve got to…” He reaches up and grabs her by the shoulders, holding her tightly like he can keep the bond engine from pulling her away, from pulling them apart. “Lup, I… please! Fight through it right now so you… I need you to… I need you, Lup, I can’t… Lup, I…”

She blinks. Her hand goes to his bicep. She closes her eyes. Her hand squeezes his arm, fingers digging in tightly.

“Lup, I… I lo…”

There’s only light, the threads of both of them pulled away to be knit together new and fresh by the bond engine.

They are standing on the deck. Lup and Taako are ahead of him, hand in hand just the way they always are at reset.

Barry watches them, breath held, as they turn to one another. There are four other people on deck with them but they don’t exist in this moment. All that matter is Lup’s face when she looks at her brother.

“Taako,” she sighs, her face splitting in a wide grin. Her brother wastes no time pulling her into a fierce hug.

“Fuck, Lulu, if you ever…” his words cut off as he grips her tighter, his hat knocked off to roll an uneven circle on the deck.

Barry stumbles forward, relieved. He stops short of interrupting them, just stares gladly at a Lup with an expression, at Lup with joy on her face and weight of awareness in her eyes. She gestures for him to come to them. He does. Barry puts his arms around them both loosely, intending to give a quick hug then give them space. But Lup stops him. Her hand is on his arm and he can’t move, couldn’t move if all of existence depended on it.

His heart pounds in his chest so hard he can’t hear anything but the thrum of blood in his ears, rushing through his veins.

Her eyes meet his and her fingers dig into his bicep.

And then she just smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For TakeWhisks, who helped me sharpen the blade.


	26. Pulling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Lup have to face the ramifications of everything that happened at the end of Cycle 40.

Gathered there on the deck, newly regenerated, there’s a discussion. Several in fact. Lup speaks and Taako speaks and the others all comment. A few times everyone looks at him, waiting for him to say his part. But his thoughts are racing as fast as his pulse, speeding so quickly he can barely stand still. He can’t follow what anyone is saying, can’t participate in the discussion because  _ Lup heard him. _

He still feels the warm spots where her fingers dug insistently into his skin. She  _ knew. _ She’d heard. 

His head is pounding, vision pulsing from the thrum of blood rushing through veins. Barry has just a moment to realize he’s breathing too fast. Then his sight isn’t just pulsing, it’s dimming. He reaches for something, feels his balance going, and that’s all he knows.

He wakes up to Lup’s anxious face over his. Relief floods her features and immediately there’s a smile blooming on his face because Lup is okay, she’s safe, she’s  _ here. _

Awareness drops over him, cold and suffocating. He scrambles upright. He’s on the long couch in the common room. Questions boil up but they’re a dim backdrop to the face watching him, her eyebrows pulling together as she sits back on the footstool to give him space. 

“Lup, I...I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to dump all of that on you when… I just… I was, uh, we were so afraid that you wouldn’t…”

“Shh, Barry. Breathe. Just breathe for a moment.”

He nods and tries to calm himself with slow, carefully regulated breaths. He can’t stop cataloging her features, all the ways this face differs from the one he just spent weeks examining. 

“Are you really… Lup, are you really okay? I thought you were there a few times but…”

“I heard you,” she says. Her words are soft but her eyes are so, so bright. “I heard you and then Taako...uh, both of you, and then I heard you again. The rest, um, it was like I was asleep? I don’t remember much. If I try it’s hazy and unclear, hard to follow.”

He’s relieved to hear she wasn’t trapped listening the whole time, that mostly it’s fog. But all he can say is, “You heard me?”

She nods.

Before she can speak, Merle comes in. “Well, that was kinda dramatic, dontcha think?” He moves forward and lays two fingers on the pulse point on Barry’s neck. “Still fast... but,” he glances over at Lup and back to Barry, “I guess about normal, considering.”

Merle straightens and glances between them again. “Well, you think you can keep upright?” He chuckles and amends, “Uh, no more fainting, I mean?”

“Real funny, Merle,” Lup says, hustling him out. “Barold’s fine. He just needs a minute.”

“Pretty much my diagnosis,” the cleric agrees with a grin. “Well, take it easy for a little while, okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” Barry answers. “Thanks, Merle.”

Lup watches the empty doorway for a moment after Merle leaves. 

“He’s got some ideas about…” She turns back to face Barry and her words trail away. 

Barry pushes up off the couch. “Yeah…”

“I don’t think we...,” she says, glancing over her shoulder again. “It’s…” she sighs. “This is complicated.”

Barry freezes. He shoves his hands into his pockets and looks down at the floor. “Yeah.”

“Barry,” she says. Her voice is quiet and gentle, “We need to talk about…”

He shakes his head. “Nah, it’s okay, Lup. We don’t have to talk about it. We, uh, we were all going through something. Taako didn’t mean anything when he yelled at me and I didn’t…” He forces a smile, tries to think about it reaching his eyes, tries to ignore the misery burning inside him. “You’re better. That’s all that matters.”

“Oh.” 

The word sounds so final somehow. A single syllable, soft and quiet. But it feels like a slamming door. 

“Okay, well, I’ll just go, uh, catch up on what I missed with my, uh, fainting stunt.” He manages a laugh that only mostly sounds forced.

“Barry?”

“I’ll see you in the lab later,” he says. Then he flees, the barely contained emotion threatening to erupt.

He walks through the meeting room, up through the bridge, then to the door that leads to the deck. He can see Magnus and Lucretia talking, looking over the railing at the plane below them. He turns and retraces his steps. After the meeting room he turns not to the common room but to the kitchen. There’s a narrow pantry in the far wall and the door stands partially open, catching his attention for some reason. 

Barry means to push the door closed and continue through to the stairs that go down to the storage areas. Instead, he opens the door wider and steps inside. It’s a narrow space. His shoulders nearly brush both shelves before he turns sideways and pulls the door shut behind him.

As hiding places go it’s not a particularly good one. But he’s here now and he’d barely held it together long enough to close the door. He can’t face running into … anyone … if he were to go back out. His breath is coming faster and the knot in his throat is becoming difficult to breathe around. He sits heavily on a crate of Davenport’s favorite tea, hoarded from several cycles ago. The shelves in front of him swim in his vision as tears threaten to spill. He grips the edge of a shelf, hanging on as if it could hold him together.

She’d gripped his arm and smiled. On that tiny moment he’d had a panic attack and fainted. And now he’s hiding in the pantry trying not to cry on Davenport’s stale tea. He’s ridiculous.

She was right. It’s too complicated. Even if the impossible happened and she felt something too, they can’t do this. What was he thinking?

He  _ wasn’t _ thinking. He was scared. He was trying to get through to her. Maybe it worked. Maybe that’s why she regenerated like normal. Maybe she would have been fine anyway. It doesn’t matter. It happened. Now they have to move on. 

He pries his fingers off the shelf. He’s okay now. Well. He’s calm. He stands and takes the single step back towards the door. His fingers are wrapped around the handle, about to pull it open when he hears voices. 

“...talk to him.”

“I can’t, Taako. You didn’t see how fast he ran out of that room.”

“He’s Barold. How fast can he move?”

“Not funny.”

“Lulu, do you want something to happen?”

There’s a pause and Barry feels sure the twins will hear his heart pounding and find him skulking here, accidentally listening. 

“Maybe? I don’t know.” She pauses again and when she continues her voice is hesitant. “Wouldn’t it be too complicated?”

“Seems like it’s complicated either way, Lulu.” 

There’s the sound of water running then it shuts off just in time for him to hear her quiet “Yeah.” 

A drawer opens, there’s rustling, then the noise of it slamming back into place. “Lucky for you, there’s…”

Taako’s voice gets further away and then they are gone again.

Barry sits back down on the tea crate, hands shaking. He should have talked to her. Running out was stupid. 

He’s never wanted anything from her, never expected her to return his feelings. But when faced with her shutting him down, reminding him how impossible it was, he’d fled like a coward.

The need to rectify his behavior overwhelms him and he surges to his feet. He’ll go to her right now, talk about things, get everything out in the open. That “maybe” of hers gives him hope - more hope than he’s ever had. But either way they can talk about...

He stops at the door again but this time it’s the memory of the twin’s voices giving him pause. If he talks to her he’ll have to admit he overheard, have to admit  _ why _ he overheard.

The thought is awkward. It brings the blood to his cheeks, staining them red. Okay. It won’t be fun but he can do it.

Except.

Taako’s talk with Lup reminds him of their discussion so long ago, the year on the beach. Reminds him of Taako telling him that he has time.

Lup deserves that time too. She deserves the time to sort out her feelings without the weight of his trying to pull her one way or another. 

There’s hope in his heart despite his effort to hold it at bay. There’s optimism tugging the corners of his mouth up. 

“Maybe” is more than he’s ever had. And no matter what, there’s Lup. She’s safe. She’s here. That’s really all that matters.


	27. Better Than

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is determined to give Lup the space to sort out her feelings after everything that happened at the end of cycle 40. That resolve is immediately tested.

Barry enters the lab with two cups of coffee, pushing the door open with his hip. Lup looks up at him, her face attempting to mask that he’s startled her.

He smiles wide, pleased to see her. “Hey, I wasn’t sure if you’d be in here but, uh, I was hoping.” He holds up the mug in his left hand. “I brought you a coffee.”

Surprise flashes over her face, the expression clear as a summer afternoon after the weeks of blankness. He stops, struck by the realization. For a moment all he can do is stare. Surprise transforms to mild confusion and it’s like watching the waves during the beach year. The show of emotions on her face is one he could watch forever.

“Sorry,” he says, not sounding particularly apologetic, though red tinges his cheeks slightly. “It’s just really good to _see_ you again.”

Her eyebrows pull together and the corners of her mouth dip down. Then her lips part and her eyebrows lift high on her forehead as she speaks a soft, _“Oh…”_

Accepting the cup of coffee, she wraps her fingers around it, hugging it between her hands like she’s trying to get warm.

“Cold?”

Lup lowers the mug to hover just above her lap. The movement startles him. It’s so much like the way she sat those last weeks, hands tucked in her lap. Her face is definitely not the blank, uninterested one he saw too much of, though.

“It’s just… It feels weird,” she tells him. Then her eyes drop to her cup and she raises it to take a hesitant sip.

Barry doesn’t speak. He gives her space to explain if she wants, the way she does with him. Patiently, he sits, puts down his mug, moves aside papers and notes that he doesn’t need anymore.

They are the pages of quickly scribbled transcripts, the things that seemed to wake her somewhat. Two terrible one sided conversations written in his rushed scrawl. His stammered apology. Taako’s angry rant. There hadn’t been time to finish the third half-conversation, much less time to write it down. Not that he needs the reminder. Those words are etched in his head almost perfectly.

He folds the pages and sets them aside. What he wants to do is rip them to shreds, burn them, demolish any remnant of them. But that would distract her from her thoughts. It would push forward the conversation he’s just resolved to let happen on its own.

“It’s not like the thing with the earthquake,” she says. “That was an instant. It felt like one moment we were all in that cafe and the next we were on the deck.”

He looks at her and she’s frowning into the mug. He knows that expression too. It’s not a true look of displeasure but one of concentration. She’s examining her thoughts and trying to figure out how to put them into words. It’s an expression she wore a lot when she was helping him learn magic, when she had to translate her own automatic actions into instructions for him.

“This feels like time passed,” she tells him, looking up. “I don’t know how else to put it. It’s… I think it’s like sleeping - when you wake up in the morning, you may not know if it’s been two hours or seven but you know it’s been more than a second since you closed your eyes.”

“It’s weird, coming back after regen, knowing you were gone,” he agrees. “I’m never sure how to refer to it. I always catch myself starting to say ‘yesterday’ but…”

“But it was a long time for the rest of us,” she finishes.

“Yeah.”

Lup chews on her lip for a moment before she speaks. “What was that fight between you and Taako about? I just… he was yelling and you were… you looked so…” She shakes her head. “I don’t really understand. It’s like I only heard a tiny piece of it.”

Barry considers how to frame it for her. He doesn’t want her to be mad at Taako, who’d only been pushed because of worry for his sister. He doesn’t want to lead into that other conversation, the one that had really just been a few hours ago, the one right before regen. The one that feels like a weight he’d put around her neck.

They’ll have to talk about that eventually, he knows. But it would be better if she had time to sort out her own feelings before he dumps his all over her.

He looks at his hands, the fingers wrapping together tightly then pulling apart only to fold back together again nervously.

“I had been talking to you, trying to… it seemed like I’d gotten through to you for a moment and I was trying to figure out how to do it again. I was hoping to use it to…” He stops, restarts, trying to stay focused. “Anyway. I got… um, upset. Thinking about what had happened to you and wishing I could fix it or take it somehow. And I said that to you, that I wished it had been me.”

She pulls in a breath, sounding like she’s been hit, and he looks up.

“I know!” He begins frantically, “I...trust me Lup, I know. I get it. And that’s what I was saying - that I knew that was the point you were making - when he heard me.”

“Oh,” she says. The word is so soft. The near-silence of it reminds him that the twins have never died without the other. The earthquake and a few end of cycle scrambles that didn’t quite get them back to the ship in time and that’s it. And yet she almost changed that, did in everything but the details, because of him.

“It wasn’t just that,” she says. “There was no way I was getting out of that room. You were about to come back through the window and...I could stop you, try to help you and Magnus get out. So I did.”

“Like that cycle in the dark after that thing attacked us, attacked me...”

She nods and clutches her fingers tighter around her mug. “Are you and Taako… are things okay now?”

“Yeah, we’re good. We were never _not_ good. He was just upset.” Barry’s mouth pulls tight for a moment before he adds, “He had every right to be. You both did - still do. I’m sorry. I really do get it now. There’s a fine line and… you were both right, I’ve been on the wrong side of it.”

She watches his eyes, looking for something - he’s not sure what. Apparently finding whatever it was, she nods. The motion is a tiny arc of motion, a gesture for herself.

They sit without speaking for several breaths but it’s a good, clean silence. There’s none of the strained politeness or tensely held words that have sat between them so many times in this room, on this ship.

“Magnus said this looks like a pretty good plane,” Barry offers. “Reminded him of the one a few years ago - the planet with the ring around it?”

Lup smiles. “That was a good one.”

“Well, how about we get out of here and get some sun, some air?”

Her smile widens. She takes a long drink from her mug and he’s relieved to see her fingers aren’t grasping it they way they were before.

“What an excellent plan, Barold,” Lup says as she stands and offers him her hand.

 

—-

 

That’s how things go on this plane. They work together. There are silences in the lab but the silences are comfortable. The quiet isn’t holding them apart. It contains them, gives them space between what has gone before and whatever might await.

The fear hits at night. Barry worries that he’s replaced that tangle of magic that surrounded her with a cloud of his stumbled over and desperate words. He wakes up in the almost-dark of the ship’s pre-dawn lights and thinks that he’s silenced her with a blanket of his feelings that she can’t get out from under.

During the day these thoughts are ridiculous. She’s _Lup_ and nothing is keeping her down or holding her back. Certainly not Barry Bluejeans.

It’s so good to see her laugh, see her tease and smile. And again and again, that smile is aimed at him.

 

—-

 

“Barry!”

He looks up from his book. Sticking his finger in between the pages to hold his place, he raises his eyebrows. “Hey, Lup, what’s up?”

“You have to come with me,” she says. The smile on her face is dazzling. “Taako and I found something and … just come on. I can’t wait to show you.”

So the book is forgotten on the couch and he’s pulled along in her wake, confused but happy, because Lup has something to show him. They exit the ship and go into town.

They cross a street and she takes his hand. She’s in the middle of a story about something that had happened while she and Taako were shopping. She doesn’t slow down her pace or her words, just grabs his hand and laces her fingers with his. The walk hand in hand down the sidewalk. Their hands link them as she leads him into a large building that stands several floors higher than anything else nearby. Stepping through the wide glass doors they pause for a moment to look around an enormous open area.

“It’s like a mall,” she explains. Then she’s pulling him towards an escalator where they stand hip to hip while she points out stores she and Taako explored earlier.

They keep going up until they reach the top floor. It has an open courtyard in the center with a lush garden area filled with tables and chairs. Surrounding the space are walk up restaurants. Lup aims straight for a tiny shop in the corner and stops proudly in front of it.

“Ice cream!” she announces. “And it’s non-dairy, Barry.” She makes an amused noise at her unintentional rhyme. “It’s even better than that stuff we got on cycle… what was it? Twenty?” She grins at him, clearly proud of her find. The grin falters. “I wish we’d found it earlier this cycle. Only a couple weeks left to enjoy it…” She smiles again and promises, “But we can come every single day if you want.”

He squeezes her fingers. “I may take you up on that.”

They try several flavors, the young guy behind the counter suggesting increasingly obscure varieties, delighted at their enthusiasm.

Lup ends up with a spicy flavor topped with some kind of crushed citrus he doesn’t recognize.

“Well, I’m sorry, I’m going to be boring,” Barry apologizes when he picks chocolate. Lup bumps her shoulder against his teasingly as she takes a bite of her ice cream, smiling at him around the spoon in her mouth.

He gets crumbled cookies on top. Then, deciding to get out of his comfort zone, scans the toppings. Finally he points to tiny berries that look like the kind on a holly bush if they were bluish purple instead of red. “And some of those.”

“Chocolate, cookies, and pila fruit,” the guys says with a grin. “Anything else?”

“Nope, that’ll do it.” Barry pays and then he and Lup wind through the garden area to find a table.

She picks one nestled between a screen of flowering vines and a small tree with long, dangling branches that sway gently as they brush past them.

Barry digs his spoon into the side of his dessert, getting a taste of plain ice cream again. It’s really good. He’s certainly eaten regular ice cream over the years and then paid the price when his system made it clear just how unwise a decision that had been. This tastes every bit as delicious.

“Nice surprise?” Lup asks.

“Very nice,” he agrees, not telling her she could have brought him to a recital of Merle dancing and he’d have been nearly as happy.

He digs in, takes a bite that sprinkles cookie crumbs when he tries to eat it. Laughing, he tries to catch the worst of it and keep the mess from going into his lap or onto the floor.

Lup smiles and reaches over to wipe some of the crumbs from his chin. She cups her fingers against his jaw and rubs her thumb over his mouth, brushing the stray bits of cookie away. Then her movement slows. Her gaze travels up from his mouth to his eyes. Her smile fades and then she’s just looking at him while her thumb moves slowly over his mouth. Finally her thumb tucks beside her fingers. She doesn’t pull her hand away.

Slowly, she leans across the table.

That’s when his teeth crush one of the berries. For such a tiny fruit, it seems to fill his mouth with juice.

Strong, sour, incredibly potent juice.

Immediately he’s coughing, trying to clear the terrible taste from his mouth. It only makes it worse. Swallowing seems to make the sensation go down his throat, burning the whole way.

“Shit, babe, are you okay?”

Even in the middle of choking down the terrible taste, his eyes watering at the strength of this terrible, terrible fruit, there’s still a part of his brain that catches on her use of ‘babe.’ It’s a word she’s used on everyone and shouldn’t mean so much but… it does. Even as he feels sure he’ll never get his throat working properly again much less rid himself of the awful taste in his mouth, he’s caught on it. She’s definitely not used it around him in years.

He mimes drinking from a cup and she scrambles up and through the dangling branches of the tree.

It feels like ages scrape past. There’s air getting through but barely. He can’t seem to stop coughing long enough to get a full breath.

Then Lup is back with a bottle of water. She pats his back and murmurs softly to him. He fights the feeling of drowning, fights the way it makes panic rise in him. Lup’s voice beside him and hand rubbing over his back help him push that fear down, help him force back the demanding need to cough so he can struggle his way through inhaling again.

It makes the difference and finally it’s improving. His head is pounding and he can feel his face hot and red from the fight. Lup squats beside him and runs her hand over his forehead and down the side of his face.

“Okay now?” she asks.

He nods, still not trusting himself to speak. Lup uncaps the water and hands it to him. With each sip the situation improves greatly.

“Don’t… recommend… the berries,” he says, still sounding half strangled.

Lup laughs and shakes her head, “Nope, don’t suppose so.”

They gather their barely touched ice cream and stand. Both toss their bowls when they find a trash can. He sips from the water again then closes it. When his hand is free she takes it and they walk. Every few steps she throws a sidelong look at him, checking that he’s okay.

Stopping at the elevator, they wait for the car to arrive.

“You sure you’re alright now?”

“I’m fine,” he answers.

This time he sounds much more convincing and she squeezes his fingers and smiles.

“Good, hate to kill you with dessert.”

Barry laughs and nods.

When the elevator doors open, they step into the tiny grey room. In a flash, he’s hit with a wave of deja vu so strong he stumbles the step forward into the elevator. She tightens her grip on his hand and grabs his arm with her other hand to steady him.

She makes sure he’s steady, eyes flashing worry that calms as it’s clear he’s okay. He unscrews the bottle again, takes a long drink. His hands are shaking from the memory - them in the elevator after the Founders Dinner - but he manages to get the water in his mouth.

When he lowers it she takes the bottle from him and replaces the lid. Carefully, she sits the bottle in the floor and steps forward.

It’s been decades since “Carol Flesk” and Sildar Hallwinter stood in an elevator and shared a kiss. Those people, like the plane where it happened, are both long gone.

Lup kisses Barry Bluejeans.

In the tiny, silvery grey elevator in a mall on a plane where they will live for a few more weeks before the Starblaster takes them away to yet another planar system, the two of them fit together and forget the rest of existence for a little while.

When she steps back, she looks at him and her mouth curls up into a smile he’s never seen before. It’s a new smile, a new expression just for him.

“Sorry the ice cream tried to kill you.”

Barry shakes his head. “Lup? That was worth it. That was better than ice cream.”

“Well,” Lup says, moving closer to him again. “Since you didn’t get to finish…” Her mouth has barely touched his when she pulls back quickly. “The ice cream, I mean,” she says with a smirk.

He pulls her back to him and kisses her, stills her teasing laugh with his mouth on hers. Arms wrapping around him, she kisses him back enthusiastically. One hand tangles in his short brown hair.

When the kiss ends she just leans on him for a moment. She leans back to look at him. “Barry?” she says, and her hand reaches up to rub her thumb over his mouth again. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not quite the whole crew in a grey room drinking tap water but... that call back to the Founders Dinner was inspired by the joke response to your ask, a-lonely-wandering-cloud. Thanks!
> 
> Also - if you guys enjoy this, please, please, please comment. I can't explain how much that means and how much it helps motivate me to get this thing posted every week. 
> 
> Thanks and hope you enjoyed!


	28. Finding Balance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time when the elevator doors open, Barry and Lup are in brand new territory. Together.

This time when the elevator doors open, Lup and Barry are still standing pressed against one another.

There’s a cough and they startle apart. The space they make between them is small and bridged by their still linked hands. A woman stands at the entrance giving them a look that walks the boundary between humored and impatient. 

Barry blushes and mumbles an apology as Lup pulls him out of the elevator. But despite his awkward embarrassment, he’s grinning, his smile a match to the one Lup wears. 

She pulls him around a corner and tugs him close, pressing her back against the wall. 

“So we should talk about things,” she says. But her free hand clutches at the front of his shirt and her eyes are watching his mouth. It’s no surprise when the thought is lost to more kissing.

They separate. Both of them laugh, a little hysterical at the sudden, drunken freedom of being able to kiss one another after months and years and decades of careful distance.

Her fingers go to her lips and he understands the feeling instantly. It seems impossible that any of this is happening. 

“Is this… are we… doing this?” Barry asks. “I…” His broken thoughts stumble to a stop and he drags in a breath. 

She’s looking at him with wide eyes and her silence lets his fear sweep in. “Lup, we don’t have to… it’s okay if…”

“Hey. Bluejeans. Shhh.” She places her open palm on his chest. “Let a girl bask for a minute,” she teases. 

Pleased, he mimes zipping his mouth closed and offers a shy smile. 

“I don’t know how you can offer me that sweet little boy smile after you just kissed me like  _ that,” _ she says with a laugh. She fans herself with her hand. “That was a  _ kiss, _ babe. Several, in fact.”

The red in his cheeks deepens another shade but he just shrugs. There’s a simple, obvious explanation and he offers it to her. “Oh. Well, it’s  _ you.” _

“Damn, when did you get so fucking smooth?” 

She tucks her fingers into his front pockets, pulling him close. “We do actually need to talk though.”

Barry nods, worry bubbling up even as she keeps him close with her hold on his pockets.

“Hey,” she says, her voice soft. “We’re doing this. Not a question. Okay?”

Relief sags his shoulders down and he lets himself breathe again. “Okay.”

“But this would have happened ages ago if there weren’t… concerns. There’s a lot on the line. We can’t let this fuck anything up.”

She pulls one hand free to run her fingers through her hair. “So… I think we should keep this between us for now. It’s just… there’s already a lot of pressure without everyone watching, you know?”

“Yeah,” he agrees. “I mean, I want to skywrite it but, yeah, I get it.”

“Me too, babe. Me too. And really, I wouldn’t… if I had doubts I wouldn’t have kissed you. I just think we need the time to find our own balance before we have five noses sticking in to tell us how to do this.”

Barry huffs a laugh. “Yeah.”

“I want you to myself for a little while, first.” 

She kisses him again. Nothing else in the whole of creation seems to matter for those moments.

Reluctantly they pull apart and move back to the main thoroughfare. They walk quietly, hands still linked. 

Finally there’s a question Barry can’t hold back. “What about Taako? I think he’d… I mean, he’s known how I felt since the beach year.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, uh, when he taught me to swim, um…”

“Barold! Did you learn to swim to impress  _ me?” _

“Well, I mean, not  _ just _ to impress you. It was a whole year on the beach! I didn’t want to be the only goobus staying on the shore. Or, you know, drown.” His face heats and she glances at him and clutches her fingers tighter with his. “But yeah, you could probably tell him and it would be fine. He’s…”

“He’s my brother and he has an opinion on everything.”

Barry nods. “Totally your call.”

Tugging him to a stop, Lup faces him. “Do you want to tell everyone?”

“Of course I do, Lup. But because I’m so happy, you know? Because I just… Because you’re _ you _ and it’s so unbelievable that this is happening I want someone to tell me it’s true.”

Lup watches him as he talks. Her eyes are so bright, so full of emotion that she’s aiming at him. It makes him feel dizzy. 

She places a kiss on his forehead, letting her lips linger against his skin while her free hand settles on his cheek. After a moment she whispers, “It’s true,” against his temple.

Barry blushes and grins at her when she pulls away to look at him. “I  _ do  _ understand, though. There’s a lot at stake and it’s going to be hard enough without anyone else’s opinions. But… I don’t want to be a problem between you and Taako.”

“You’re not. If Taako didn’t say anything to me for all these years then he must have known we needed time. So he’ll understand. And we will tell him, tell all of them. Just… after we’ve had some time to ourselves.” 

Barry nods.

“Are you sure?”

His face turns serious. “Completely.” Then softer, concerned, he asks, “Are you sure? About all of this?”

“Completely,” she answers.

 

—-

 

Deciding not to tell the rest of the crew is infinitely easier in theory than in practice. After decades of schooling himself not to look at her too long or be too obvious, now he has almost the opposite problem. He wants  _ her _ to know he’s trying to catch her eyes or share a secret smile but he doesn’t want anyone else to notice.

Little else has really changed though. They still work together, long hours in the lab trying to make every minute with the light count in case they don’t find it again for a while. 

A good difference is how often during the day he realizes he’s smiling. Lup kissed him. He kissed Lup. They kissed. They’re doing this. 

Well, in theory they are doing this. So far, in the three days since that wonderful, was-it-real-or-a-dream moment in the elevator, it’s been more theory than practice. There’ve been a few more kisses, a few lingering touches, one very nice nap crashed on the sofa in the common room that was nothing unusual except they both knew that it kind of was unusual. 

Barry looks over his shoulder at the lab door, then turns to Lup. 

“Hey, Lup?”

“Yeah?” she asks, not looking up from her notes.

“Do… uh… do you want to go out tonight?”

Her head jerks up and her eyes go wide. “Like an actual date?”

Barry nods, nervous but enthusiastic.

“Oh, hell yeah!” Her grin is enormous. “Wait, am I supposed to play hard to get? Tell you I’m busy and...”

“Gods, no,” he interrupts, looking stricken. “Please don’t.”

She rolls her chair over beside him and, lightning quick, leans over and kisses his cheek before rubbing the spot with her thumb and rolling back to her place. “Good, cause I don’t want to do any of that. If I like a person I just want to…” she glances back at him and throws a teasing look his way, “...make them wait a few decades, you know?”

Barry grins. It feels good to be in on a joke with Lup. It feels better to make plans with her. 

Oh gods, he has no plans. He’s just asked out the woman he’s been in love with for decades, asked her out for their  _ first date, _ asked her out for  _ tonight, _ and he has nothing planned. 

“Okay, then!”

He shoves up from his chair, pushing too hard and sending the chair banging against the desk. Lup looks up at him curiously but he just flashes a nervous smile.

“I’m gonna go… uh…” For a long, agonizing moment his brain offers no further words for that sentence. “Uh... check something,” he finally manages. 

The grin she offers him says she’s seen right through him but she doesn’t comment. 

Barry rushes out of the lab, hoping inspiration hits him before Lup realizes what a mistake she’s making.

 

—-

 

They wait until they are far from the Starblaster before their hands find one another and the careful distance between them disappears. 

Nerves have completely taken over so he’s grateful when she pulls him close and kisses him. He’d half convinced himself she’d already realized what a terrible choice she’d made. 

“So, is there a plan, Barold? Cause I gotta say, already off to a good start. Gotta insist on more kissing, though, in case you’re unsure.”

“There’s a carnival…” 

Before he can continue her Stone of Farspeech goes off. 

Lup digs it out of her pocket, “What is it, Koko?”

Barry can’t hear Taako’s side of the conversation but her twin has only had time for a few words before she stiffens. 

“Well, Barold and I were just about to grab something to eat,” she says, sounding bright and unconcerned in complete opposition to her tense shoulders. “But yeah, why don’t you come meet us? We were just talking about this experiment we’ve been running and maybe you could help us figure out why the chlorophyll samples aren’t reacting the same to...What?”

Barry waits, nervous. This is how things are going to be, he realizes. They have to worry about the crew catching on and plans can evaporate in an instant. 

_ ‘I don’t care,’ _ he thinks.  _ ‘It’s worth it. Anything is worth it.’ _

Trying to give her some privacy to talk to Taako, he wanders a bit, looking at shop windows. They’re in an upscale area and most of the shops are the sorts of things he wouldn’t normally pay any attention to. These aren’t the sorts of establishments that cater to the likes of him with his jeans and plain white shirt. They are, however, exactly the kind of places he could see Lup and Taako shopping. 

An image flashes through his mind, potent and dizzying: he and Lup shopping together, hand in hand. The picture of the two of them so comfortable with each other, her holding up a dress or pointing out something she’s interested in, judging  _ his _ reaction. Or picking out something for him, something she’d like to see him wear. 

The thought is so gripping he isn’t sure if it’s that strange intuition of his or just an overexcited flight of fancy.

Either is possible. But so is that image. That really could be them one day. 

Lup bumps his shoulder with hers. “See anything good?”

Barry turns to her and a smile takes over his face. “Yeah. Really good.” Reaching for her hand he could swear he saw a hint of a blush on her cheeks. 

Imagine that. Lup blushing. His smile grows even larger and for a beautiful, shining moment, Barry Bluejeans thinks everything is perfect.


	29. Carnival and Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry wants to give Lup the perfect first date...
> 
> Well, at least the Hunger doesn't show up early.

“Ugh, I don’t know why I ate that,” Lup complains. “Taako and I worked with a traveling carnival once. I  _ know _ better than to…” Her words cut off as she closes her eyes. The blush he may or may not have imagined before is definitely not on her face now. If anything, she’s looking a tinge green. 

“You okay?” Barry asks. 

“Trying to convince the food to stay down,” she answers, not opening her eyes. 

“Do you want to head back?”

Lup’s eyes fly open, wide and shocked. “What? No!” She looks around then tucks herself under his arm, leaning against him. “Let's get something to drink and walk around a bit. I’m sure I’ll feel better.”

Barry rubs his hand in small circles on her back. Her hug, his hand on her back, both are simple, comforting gestures but they feel intimate and special even in this crowded carnival. 

He hadn’t realized how carefully they’ve both been avoiding each other until now. Not just him. She’s done it too. The thought is a marvel; she’s avoided touching him. Now she isn’t. It only makes him more aware of every touch. There’s a running tally of them in his head but already it’s becoming more than he can keep track of. For years it was a handful of special moments. A hug after regen. A hand on his back when she reached around him for something in the lab. Her hip against his when too many crowded onto the couch at once. Tiny, accidental touches that his brain wouldn’t let go of. 

Now the list is kisses and hand holding. It’s her fingers tucked into his pockets to pull him close. It’s him brushing his lips across her knuckles. It’s her head on his shoulder as they fell asleep talking in the common room. It’s him pressing a kiss into her hair now as she’s bent against him for comfort because she’s feeling ill. 

She straightens and smiles at him. They walk, each keeping an arm around the other even though there’s a learning curve to this joint movement. Their hips bump and it’s awkward but he loves it. 

They buy a cup of cold ginger tea to settle her stomach. She sips at it while they walk, cup in one hand and his hand in her other. 

“Okay,” she announces as she tosses her empty cup in the garbage. “We have to ride something.”

He raises one eyebrow. “You feeling up to it?”

“Yeah, one ride should be fine.” She looks around at their options. “No tunnel of love, unfortunately. Could have done with some serious dark ride making out.” She wiggles her eyebrows with mock lasciviousness and he laughs, overcome yet again with affection. 

The ride she picks looks like a robot octopus with three ride cups at the end of its tentacles. They wait their turn to climb into a cup together.

Lup is pushed into him by centrifugal force as the ride spins. She’s laughing and happy and he tries, tries so hard to focus on Lup warm and full of joy beside him. But the motion of the ride is having another effect on him and quickly he’s the one holding on with his eyes closed trying to keep down what he’d eaten.

The ride seems to spin for ages. Lup notices his tense silence and holds his arm while he clutches the bracing bar with a white knuckled grip. His mantra of ‘I will not throw up’ becomes ‘I will not throw up on Lup’ because that’s all he can hope for - that they will make it off the ride before it happens. 

Finally, after what feels like hours, the ride slows. He’s opening the safety mechanisms before the thing stops, not waiting for the ride attendant to come to them. The moment their cup stops he stumbles out and makes it off to the side, out of the way, before he’s sick. 

Lup uses a cantrip to clean away the mess. He throws her a grateful look and leans heavily against the gate separating the ride area from the crowd. He feels better though still shaky as they make their way to the exit.

She’s holding his arm and watching his face. Whatever she sees there isn’t reassuring because she starts rubbing his arm and patting him. He feels a flush of shame. Their first date and he vomited in front of her. After a lame carnival ride. 

“Ughh, I’m sorry,” he tells her, trying to look more steady than he feels. 

“Shhh. Barry, it’s motion sickness. You can’t help that.”

He snorts dismissively. “I’m an astronaut. I’m not supposed to get motion sick.”

“You’re an astronaut on the most advanced craft ever imagined. Piloted by the most talented captain the Institute had. Of course it’s never come up before.”

He groans. “...come up…”

She laughs and pulls him onto a bench. “Hey, you’re my big nerd, okay? I should have expected it.”

He frowns and nods. “I just really didn’t want to be the nerd tonight. I wanted to be… I don’t know. Someone that would be out with you on a date, I guess.”

“Barry? You  _ are _ out with me on a date.”

He gives her a half smile. She’s right. Impossible as it is to believe, he  _ is _ on a date with her. “Yeah, I just wanted it to be perfect. You deserve perfect.”

“Babe? You almost died eating ice cream right before our...well, not our first kiss but you know what I mean. The actual first time we kissed you’d caught me stealing shrimp and I spilled my drink on you and yelled at you for it. Nothing about any of this has been what people would call perfect. But it’s  _ ours.” _

“Okay,” he agrees. “You’re right. I know you’re right.” He pulls in a deep breath and holds it, then let’s it out slowly. 

“Alright. The carnival was… kind of a bust. Didn’t you say there was a coffee place you liked? Do you want to go there?”

“Yeah, sounds good. That ginger tea wasn’t bad but I’m not crazy about the taste it left in my mouth.” She gives him a teasing smirk as she adds, “I’m sure you’re having a similar problem.”

He groans as he agrees, “Seriously. I appreciate the Prestidigitation spell but I wish it got more than the ground.”

She stands and takes his hand, tugging him to follow. “Even with spell sculpting I’m not gonna tackle the burn that leaves in your throat. But we can get a bottle of water on the way out to tide you over.”

Barry rises, a half smile at her continued insistent pull in his arm. “Maybe we can find a nice place to watch the sunset. It’s still really early.”

She leans her head on his shoulder. It takes determination and an awkward angle since she’s a little taller than him but Lup could be the textbook example of the word ‘determined.’

They wind their way out of the carnival in no particular hurry. They stop at a concession stand and Barry overpays enormously for a tiny bottle of water. It’s completely worth it to ease the lingering burn in his throat. 

They’re nearly to the exit when Barry sees it. “Hey,” he says, pulling her to a stop. “I don’t know how I didn’t think of this. If this is a first date at a carnival then there’s something we have to do before we go.”

He catches her eye and then looks pointedly at what caught his attention. There, hanging among more traditional carnival game prizes of enormous teddy bears and what are probably popular children’s characters on this realm, there’s a small stuffed animal that looks extraordinarily like a mongoose. 

“Aww, babe!” She looks back at him and her expression matches how he feels: a mixture of delight and sadness. “Yes, we have to get it.”

Barry is already pulling coins out of his pocket to stack on the counter. “Two please,” he tells the attendant. “And we might be here a while.” 

He hands the first ball to Lup. 

“Speak for yourself,” she teases. “I have excellent aim.” She throws and misses even clipping the stack of bottles. “Or not.”

He picks up a ball from the second stack and throws, also missing. “Might take some time to get to that coffee.”

“Loser buys the coffee.” She throws again, this time toppling a single bottle.

He laughs. “Yeah, I’ll buy the coffee,” he agrees.

 

—-

 

The sun has set and they’ve spent a small fortune by the time the leave with their prize. It’s entirely worth it for the way Lup clutches the small toy in the crook of her arm. 

They’re on a tram back to town, sitting on a bench seat in a vehicle half full of departing carnival-goers. 

“He looks just like Treebark,” she says, running her fingers over the stuffed mongoose. “Smaller than him, of course, but still, I almost expect to hear him do that little chirrup laugh of his.”

“Yeah,” Barry responds fondly. “You know, that mongoose family was the first time I felt…” He stops, feeling awkward. He shrugs. “Like maybe you didn’t completely hate me.”

“Oh,” she says, her voice quiet. 

He’s searching for some way to soften his words, explain what he meant, when she speaks again.

“I was kind of horrible to you for a while, wasn’t I?”

“No,” he says, and he means it. “Not horrible. I just…” He swallows then admits something that’s bothered him for more than four decades. “I didn’t understand what I’d done so I didn’t know how to fix it. I just figured you wanted space so I tried to give it to you.” He gives an awkward, slightly pained laugh. “As much as I could when we’re trapped on a ship together.”

Lup is quiet. She shifts the toy to hold it in her lap, playing her fingers through its soft fur. “When…” Her fingers curl in the fur and she starts again, plunging forward this time. “When I kissed you in the elevator it was the first time I’d kissed someone not because I wanted to just for me. I wanted to kiss you because of  _ you _ if that makes sense. Then those guys got on, friends of Greg Fucking Grimaldis, and…” she pauses and turns to look at him. “They basically said you were on the selection committee and just after a quick fuck in exchange for voting for Taako and I to be on the crew. Said that we were probably going to meet him so you could fuck us both.”

She sighs. “I don’t know why I listened to them. I knew they were assholes. But…” She huffs out a frustrated sigh. “I just felt so stupid. I didn’t know you but I  _ liked _ you and it just felt like… like I finally liked someone only to find out it was just another fucking guy after something.”

This time it’s Barry who barely whispers a single, “Oh.”

She tucks the stuffed animal between them and pulls his hand into her lap, wrapped in both of hers. “By the time I found out it wasn’t true, I’d…” she frowns, “I’d started really hating you. Or who I thought you were. Then we were on the crew together and it didn’t seem… Anyway.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything, babe.”

“Still,” he shrugs. It feels like part of the blame lays with him. When she’d been so hostile at that first crew meeting he’d just accepted it and put his head down, dove back into his work the way he had his whole life. 

He wraps his arm around her shoulders. “We’re here now, though.”

Lup nestles against him and picks up the stuffed mongoose. “Treebark, Ardent, Clever, Fiver, and… what was the golden one’s name?”

“Embrace. Her name was Embrace.” His arm tightens around Lup. His throat feels thick, the words hard to form. “It meant… adopted. Accepted.”

“Ah, I wondered how she was part of that family. The others were so different. They adopted her?”

It takes a moment for him to answer. This was something he’d held close for so long, it feels intensely private. But also, if there were anyone in the world to share it with, it would be Lup. “Yeah. She told me it was like you and Taako with me. I was clearly different, didn’t fit in, but you ‘embraced’ me.”

Lup tilts her head to look at Barry then shifts her whole body. She raises a hand to his cheek. 

The thought that crosses his mind is,  _ ‘She  _ **_sees_ ** _ me.’ _ It’s startling. He’s used to being background, overlooked. 

She doesn’t say anything, just leaves her hand on his face for a moment and then curls it around to wind her fingers in his hair so she can kiss his temple. 

It’s a strange feeling, being seen. But seen by Lup? It’s good. Intimidating but good.

 

—-

 

It was Lup’s throw that finally won the mongoose, of course, but she insisted on buying the coffee anyway. After four decades and change, he shouldn’t be surprised that she knew what he liked but still, it was nice when she handed him a cup with a smile and, “I think you’ll like this.”

It was rich and sweet, exactly the kind of thing he liked. Barry wasn’t actually much of a coffee drinker but when he did he wanted something that was basically a liquid dessert. With their lives, it wasn’t something that happened often. 

They found a table in the corner and Lup sat beside him instead of across from him. The mongoose sits on the table in front of them as they take turns suggesting names for it.

“Expensive,” Lup offers. “Because you laid down a pile of gold for him to finally come home with us.”

Barry laughs. “Hardly his fault, though. How about ‘Carnival Games Are Inherently Rigged’ instead?”

“Carny for short,” Lup replies. Then she smiles. “Carny. I like it.”

Barry nods. He wipes his spoon off with his napkin then uses it, sword style, to christen the toy. “I dub thee Sir Carnival, or ‘Carny’ to thy friends.”

“Don’t tell Davenport the toy outranks him now.”

“Never. He’d have him banned from the ship. Or at least challenge him to a pilot off.”

They’re still ascribing personality to the toy - they’ve decided he retired early from a secretive military service branch, a hero no one can no the full details of - when they hear a familiar voice. 

“You nerds hiding or something?” Taako calls, crossing the coffee shop with Magnus in tow. He doesn’t wait for an answer as he pulls a chair over and begins unwinding a comically long scarf from around himself to pile on the table in a mountain of multicolored yarn. 

Magnus grins at them and helps himself to a nearby empty chair as well before twirling it around to sit backwards on it, leaning his forearms on the back of the chair in the narrow space left between Taako and Barry. 

Lup has subtly shifted away from him before he’d even realized what was happening. 

Taako picks up Carny. “What’s this?” He squints at it for a moment. “Huh. Kinda looks like, uh, what was that cat’s name? From the first cycle with all the animals. Treebeard? Tealeaf? Something like that.”

“Treebark,” Barry answers before he can stop himself. 

Taako snaps his fingers and points at Barry. “That’s the dude!” He looks back down at the toy. “Where’d you find this?”

“At a store down the way,” Lup tells him, taking the stuffed mongoose and tucking it into the pocket of her jacket. The furry face peaks over the top and she shoves at it again trying to get it out of sight. “What are you two up to?”

“Enjoying the last of a civilized plane before we roll the dice on the next one.” He looks back and forth between Barry and Lup. “What about you two? Solve your….science problem?” 

“Nah. We’ve got some theories but mostly it was good to get out of the lab, take a break.”

“You should have come with us!” Magnus says. “We saw puppies!”

“This guy and fucking dogs,” Taako says. He rolls his eyes but he’s smiling. 

Turning from Magnus, he focuses his attention back on Lup. “So where have you two been? It was hours ago when I talked to you.”

“We ate and both got sick,” she tells him. “We just wanted air so we kind of walked around.” She turns to Barry and asks, “So what I was saying is that I think we should try two new sets of samples - half strength and double strength. See if either change lines up with what we were seeing before.”

Barry nods, going along with her. “That’s a good idea. And your point earlier about time of day might be another variable even in the closed conditions of the lab. We can’t be sure that things react the same on this plane as what we usually see.”

Taako fakes a yawn. “Ugh, Barold is rubbing off on you, Lup. You’re both boring now.”

Lup smiles sweetly, “And you’re just an idiot wizard, I suppose?”

“You forgot to mention my ethereal good looks but since we look alike I’ll forgive the oversight.”

Lup snorts. “Well, Barry and I were just about to head back. Magnus, I’m putting you in charge. This ‘idiot wizard’ might get lost or something. He shouldn’t be on his own.”

Magnus stands. “We’ll just get our drinks to go and come with you.”

Lup’s face doesn’t change but her hands shove into her pockets. “Oh, great, well, hurry up and order and we’ll all go together then.”

Taako watches her for a moment then stands with a shrug. “Sure, Lulu. Hey, did you ever show Barold that ice cream place we found?”

“Uh, no, not yet. We meant to go today but after we ate neither of us felt like it.” She turns to Barry. “Want to go tomorrow?”

“Oh, ice cream?” Magnus asks. “Count me in! We were going to stock up on more supplies anyway. Maybe we can squeeze some of that into deep freeze.”

“Yeah,” Taako says, “Group outing. Sounds good.”

“Sure,” Barry says, trying not to sound disappointed. “Sounds good.”

 

—-

 

The four of them walk back to the ship together after Magnus and Taako get their drinks. Taako takes the space between Lup and Barry. It’s an inauspicious end to their date. They can’t even ‘accidentally’ bump elbows.

When they board the ship, Taako drags Lup off to see something he’d bought. Barry hangs out with Magnus, asking about the dogs he’d mentioned. Magnus’s enthusiasm is almost enough to distract him from the abrupt end to he and Lup’s first date. It certainly puts him in a better mood about it. 

What works best, though, is the note waiting for him on his desk when he gets back to his room. It’s just two words in Lup’s familiar handwriting: “Tomorrow night?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration for this chapter goes to a-lonely-wandering-cloud who sent in a prompt request for a date where everything goes wrong. There was actually going to be more 'wrong' but wrangling this chapter didn't really go according to plan. Thanks for the prompt!


	30. A Few More Months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is on each other's nerves and for Barry and Lup, time alone becomes even harder to find.

After that first date they learn their lesson and avoid places near the ship or anywhere the rest of the crew might show up. With less than two weeks left in the cycle, they wrap up their experiments with the light and disappear for longer at a time to see what they can of this world. Together. 

They take turns finding activities the other might like. Lup gets them access to a private library. It’s full of obscure arcane and scientific research. They spend hours happily reading in companionable silence broken by moments when they share interesting findings with each other. They leave late at night, hand in hand, a trove of notebooks filled with their blended handwriting stowed in a pack on Barry’s back. 

Barry signs them up for a couple’s cooking evening together. Lup, of course, dazzles everyone. He helps but much of his time is spent watching her. He’s grinning and goofy, even more dazzled than the rest of the group.

They both agree their favorite outing is a picnic in a park. The two of them share food and a blanket. Both admit to being reminded of the time he wasn’t sleeping and Lup brought him to a park and cast silence around them as he finally napped. They stay and talk and simply lay together enjoying the day as just another couple. The sun sets and still they stay until their picnic becomes stargazing. They part - Barry to return to the ship, Lup to meet Taako in town - with lingering kisses.

Barry walks back to the Starblaster after that with a smile on his face and a head full of thoughts of Lup. So much has changed this year, most of those changes in just the last few days. Yet it’s almost impossible to think of the forty years before when he simply counted himself lucky for being near her. And the fifty years before that when he didn’t even know her. How could there have been a time he was unaware of her existence? 

Or most impossible of all, how is he blessed enough to have her care about him like this? Both thoughts seem equally unbelievable: that there was a time before they were together and that they are together now.

 

—-

 

The last day before the Hunger is expected to appear, Barry and Lup make sure their plans include a visit to the ice cream place.  _ Their _ place. They get the same table (though not the same toppings.) After they eat their ice cream - with much less drama than the first time - they walk to the elevator together. They are within walking distance of the ship but they risk it, holding hands as they wait for the elevator. 

When the doors open they step inside. Together.

The elevator doors close behind them and for a moment all he can do is look at her.

Lup.

She’s so… what word could begin to describe her? Beautiful? Amazing? No description could do her justice. And she’s  _ here. _ With him in the elevator where they had their second kiss, holding his hand and looking at him...

The elevator starts to move and it jars him into awareness. He reaches over and pushes the button labeled Emergency Stop.

Lup smirks at him. “What’s up, Bluejeans?”

“I had an emergency,” he tells her with a smile creeping around his words. He isn’t nervous. He isn’t blushing. He threads the fingers of his free hand with hers and they stand facing, both their hands entwined with the other’s hands. “I have to tell you something.”

The smirk Lup is wearing shifts slightly and it’s like a sunrise. There’s no definable moment of change, but in tiny, nearly imperceptible ways, her expression transforms. 

Those terrible weeks where her face stayed blank and unfamiliar are a nightmare they’ve woken up from. But it has taught him to appreciate every expression so much more than he already did. And the subtle alchemy of teasing smirk turning into surprised smile is unbelievable. Muscles beneath the surface pull until tiny, pleased lines appear beside her eyes. Her ears tilt a few faint degrees higher. The whole universe seems to shift as she looks at him.

“I love you.” The words spill out of him, impossible to hold back one more moment.

She opens her mouth and he interrupts her. “Please, Lup, you don’t have to say anything. I didn’t want to make you think you need to… It’s just that.. I’ve known it for a long time and… I just… I had to say it. I had to say it right now, right…” he looks around at the tiny silver box they are standing in, “right  _ here. _ ”

Her mouth curves crookedly and she shakes her head. “Barry, babe, seriously,” she says. The words don’t make a dent in her smile as she speaks. She pulls her hands free of his so she can wrap her arms around him. “I love you, too, you giant fucking nerd.”

There hadn’t been any room for doubt when he’d said it but it’s still an enormous relief to hear it back. His hands go around her and he just holds her tightly.

An alarm starts chiming, a shrill bleat of noise that drowns out thought, but Barry hardly spares a glance over his shoulder before he kisses her. 

The kiss might have lasted until the building closed that night. Maybe longer. But the noise of the elevator alarm is impossible to ignore for more than a minute. Reluctantly he pulls away and, after a few moments of nervously trying buttons, gets the elevator moving again. 

“So is it elevators in general or will any small room do?” Lup teases. “Cause there’s a few closets and access spaces on the ship if you’re particularly into that.”

“Wherever you are,” he says, ignoring the jibe though color goes to his cheeks at the image her words put in his head.

He moves to stand beside her as the elevator slows to its bottom floor stop. Just as the doors open, she squeezes his ass, surprising a squeak of noise from him. “Good answer, Bluejeans. I’ll keep that in mind.”

 

—-

 

The next afternoon they are on the deck watching for the Hunger. It’s just the two of them. Magnus has decided to stay and help protect planet side until he’s pulled away. Taako and Davenport are on the bridge, waiting for their alert. Lucretia is in her cabin putting the finishing touches on the journals dedicated to this cycle. And Merle they’ll see again soon. 

Barry leans on the railing beside Lup, watching the sky, watching the ground, watching for the Hunger between darted glances at her. It’s hard every time a cycle ends no matter whether they’ve found the light or not. But it is especially hard to let this plane go. This plane has been special.

And then it begins. 

“Cap’n’port! Time to go!” Lup yells over her shoulder. Then she grabs Barry’s hand. They watch the ground anxiously, hoping this plane survives this day well.

 

—-

 

There are seven of them again. Lup’s hand is holding Taako’s as the threads of light return them to their recorded states. She squeezes his fingers and he returns the gesture. So many times they have done this silent exchange. ‘We’re okay, we’re together,’ and so much more is communicated in that simple touch. Across the deck, Barry sees it and knows. That long afternoon in the park she’d told him things she’d never shared with anyone but Taako.

“It wasn’t too bad this time,” Magnus says. “I think the Hunger knew we had it. Those scouts or whatever barely attacked.”

Lup lets out a breath and her eyes dart to his, mirroring the relief he feels. Their park, their library, their ice cream place, their  _ elevator _ are all safe. Even the carnival that made them both sick will survive.

Davenport’s voice from the bridge catches his attention, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Looks like we’re in for another barren cycle,” the captain tells them.

Barry goes in to look at the screen Davenport is viewing. 

“Shit.”

This planar system has a smallish sun and then nothing in the ‘Goldilocks zone’ for them to pin much hope on. Usually they can easily pick the planet that the light is likely to land on but this solar system has no probable option. 

The rest of the crew gather around the display. 

“So… no light this cycle,” Merle comments.

Davenport shakes his head. “Looks pretty unlikely.” He points at the largest planet in the system. “We can try there. It’s probably frozen and toxic if there’s even anywhere we can land. But it’s our best shot.”

The captain studies the display then clicks a few buttons to enlarge the view of the target planet. “We’ll get some more angles and make the decision tomorrow.”

“Assume tight supplies,” Lucretia reminds them all.

Taako huffs, “Yeah, we know the rationing drill by now, Luce.”

He turns to his sister. “Inventory, Lup?”

She touches her hand on his arm as he passes. “Yeah, be there in a minute, Koko.” 

Davenport gets up and follows Merle out of the room. Barry sits down at the display and pages through different displays. He doesn’t doubt the captain’s work but he can’t help but hope for something to have been missed. 

“You good, Barry?”

Barry looks up. “Yeah, just, uh, just hoping for someplace good this year.”

“Me too.” She rubs her hand over his arm then follows after Taako.

 

—-

 

The cycles that they are trapped together on the ship for the entire year are mercifully few and far between. After so many years, they’ve learned how to coexist very well but seven people - six after Merle decides they can save supplies on him and enters parley - can still easily get on each other’s nerves in such a small space. 

With the planet unable to be visited, the Starblaster seems impossibly small. The lab is not the comfort it usually is. It’s good -  _ so _ good, working with Lup. But as good as it is, he’s too aware of the circumstances of this cycle giving them no time alone. 

For such a long time they worked together and shared a ship and every single accidental touch or friendly hug was something he held and treasured and carefully reminded himself not to read too much into. 

And now every ‘accidental’ touch and ‘friendly’ hug comes with a sidelong glance from her reminding him exactly what it means. The looks she sneaks at him are sometimes teasing, sometimes sweet, always so indefinably Lup that it scatters his thoughts.

But they are careful. They stay on their best behavior. And even though there is no light to study this cycle, they have so much data to sort through from the previous year’s experiments. There is always,  _ always _ more work to be done, work that not just the mission needs but that the fate of existence might depend on.

As heavy as that responsibility is, there’s the promise of Lup’s smile across the room to keep him from drowning. There’s the rest of the crew for him to think of and also try to buoy. 

He is Barry Bluejeans and he is still stressed, still anxious. But that worry and anxiety doesn’t dig claws into him the same way.

Nevertheless, as the weeks become months everyone is wearing on each other’s nerves. Even Barry.

Even Barry and Lup.

“Where’s the thermometer that was in this one?” He looks around. This is one of the few experiments they are running this year. “I specifically left thermometers in the samples so they didn’t have to be jostled. Part of the readings is how the sediment settling changes…”

“It’s right here,” Lup says, her voice tight as she jabs a finger at the table beside her. “And that’s great but you used  _ every _ thermometer we have. I needed to check the calibration on the…” She sighs and stands, picks up the thermometer and brings it to him. Sneaking a kiss onto his temple, her voice is relaxed as she says, “Sorry, babe.”

“Six more months,” he answers. He glances at the open lab door and gives her a quick peck on the cheek. “Halfway there.”

The countdown to the end of the cycle is the mantra they repeat constantly. Everyone on board has used it as a kind of half apology, half reminder. When Taako and Lucretia got in a tense afternoon of silent treatment after he’d gotten sauce on one of her journals - a journal she’d stupidly left on the counter, he was quick to point out - it had taken hours before one of them bent enough to offer that much of an olive branch. Now it was the de facto way of saying “I’m sorry but, look, mostly it’s the Hunger’s fault, things will be better when we aren’t up each other’s asses every waking moment.”

Taako had probably said it more than anyone else. Mostly to Davenport at breakfast after waking the captain up in the middle of the night. But everyone had heard some version of what Dav got in the middle of the night. Taako would proclaim that the vitamins they’d been taking clearly didn’t work on elves and he had scurvy or lupus or brain cancer and okay maybe the vitamins wouldn’t prevent lupus or brain cancer, those he’d probably gotten  _ from _ the vitamins, come to think of it. 

Magnus’s shipbound irritation came out in even more workouts than usual. In the interest of trying to keep him from resorting to the shenanigans he’d gotten up to during their year on the beach, Barry was trying to get through weekly training sessions with him.

A side effect of this was that Magnus had begun coming around the lab more frequently. Given the already greatly reduced opportunities for he and Lup to have any time alone, it wasn’t always appreciated. Magnus was great in the lab, though, and Barry had long ago learned the benefit of a fresh pair of eyes and a new perspective.

So they made their way through the weeks and months. As they crawled ever closer to the end of the cycle they couldn’t help feeling guilty for how eagerly they counted down the eradication of this plane.

 

—-

 

Barry was helping Davenport with the annual inspection. They’d already done this ‘annual’ inspection three times. But this was the captain’s way of dealing with his cooped up frustration. And it was the least easily argued. This ship was their lifeline in every possible sense. Barry would crawl through it’s bowels and check every fitting and fastening, every pipe and plate a hundred times if it would help keep them safe.

“Hey, Cap’n’port?” he asked, stretching with the heels of his hands pressed into his back. “If I found room for this stuff in the rear storage area could I use this space?”

Dav looks at him and simply raises an eyebrow. “If you’re gonna put an experiment in here it better be safe.” He shakes his head. “Nevermind, I trust you, Barry. Go for it.” He rummages through a couple boxes before losing interest. “Some of this stuff could probably be dumped but not this cycle.” He looks up at Barry. “You can have it for the rest of the cycle. Next year - if we aren’t in the same situation, may the Lords of the Golden Hills prevent it, we’re going to get set up for supplies better down here. We’re in good shape for a single year but if we have another there’s going to be trouble.”

Barry nods. It’s true. If they end up in a similar position next year they’ll have to make some considerations about who should stay and who should ‘bow out’ early for the sake of their stores lasting the whole cycle. It’s a sobering thought especially considering where his thoughts had been leading before.

Davenport stands and stretches, working his shoulder muscles. “Let’s knock off. We hit all the habitat systems and major stuff. The ECLSS all checked out and that’s my main concern.”

Something in the captain’s tone catches Barry’s attention. “You okay, Dav?”

“Just tired.” He smiles and takes the clipboard from Barry. “Taako has been up every night this week. Gonna have to find something to burn off some of his energy.”

“I’ll talk to Lup, see if we can come up with something.”

Davenport shakes his head. “He’s fine,” Dav insists. He studies the clipboard, straightening the pages so they are precisely aligned. He heaves a sigh that seems as big as his whole body. “I’m tired of Merle going into parley. We’re not getting anything out of it and it sounds like he  _ likes _ this guy. How can he find anything to like in the Hunger?” He shakes his head and when he speaks it’s like he’s forgotten Barry is there.  _ “John. _ Like he’s just some guy. Like he hasn’t destroyed more lives than we can count. Billions. Trillions. Like he’s not trying to destroy  _ everything.” _

“Anyway,” Davenport says, his voice once again crisp and in control. “Five more months, right?”

“Five more months,” Barry agrees. He watches the Captain go. He’ll leave Taako to Davenport, he decides. But maybe he and Lup can figure out something to distract the captain.

And hopefully in five months they’ll have a good cycle and Merle can stick around. 

Until then he’ll focus on what he can do this moment and the person he can distract right now.

 

—-

 

“Hey, Lup, can I show you something?”

She’s standing in the kitchen with Taako and while neither of them is speaking the air bristles with confrontation. It seems like the twins are just about to go for each other’s throats. 

She glances at Barry and then shoots her brother a withering look. “If it’s far away from this assmunch, sure.”

He doesn’t say anything else, just turns and lets her follow. When he passes the lab and continues on he can practically hear her surprise. He’s leading her on a circuitous route. It would have been much faster to use the stair access near the pantry to go down to the rear storage area but it would have been to clear to Taako where they were going. Now they have to use the access steps at the front of the ship that are near the bridge but first they have to go past the lab and his room then up. 

Opening the door to the bridge slowly, he checks before waving her forward. Davenport hasn’t returned to the bridge and no one else is there at the moment either. They duck through and down the stairs. Only when they are on the lowest level does she catch his arm. “Where are we going? Oh shit, if you found Merle’s stash…”

“Nope, just want to show you my favorite place.”

Lup laughs, immediately catching his drift. “That does explain the subterfuge.”

She follows him to the closet he’s emptied. “Only Davenport knows it’s empty and he thinks I’m going to put experiments in here.”

“He’s not  _ wrong,” _ she teases.

Barry blushes and steps into the open closet. There’s not much space. But he throws up a ball of mage light burning a pale blue over his head and it softens the industrial space into something nicer.

“This is your favorite place?”

“Nope, not at all,” he tells her. He takes her hand and tugs her into the small space with him. “Now it is, though.”

“You dork,” she says, laughing as he pulls her close.

Lup takes a moment to pull the door shut. And for a while they don’t think about how much time is left that cycle. 


	31. Trouble in Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new cycle brings them a chance to refill their supplies and an unexpected opportunity to rescue the light. But not everything is going so smoothly.

Three months into cycle 43 and their secret closet on the storage level, like every other spare bit of available space, is full of dried fish, preparing for the next barren cycle they might encounter. The planet they’ve come to this cycle is mostly ocean. Water accounts for at least 90% of the surface. But they’ve gotten lucky. There are thousands of island networks sprinkled over the surface, and all the ones they’ve visited have been inhabited by people that have been both helpful and welcoming. 

And luckiest of all, they’ve recovered the light. 

“We need to make arrangements for how we’re splitting up ship duty this year,” Davenport says. “And who’s taking which teaching assignments.”

In exchange for the help they’d been given rescuing the light, the crew has agreed to offer lectures and teach some classes covering their various areas of expertise as well as some of the more easily shared aspects of their journey. 

“I nominate Barold for most of the teaching shifts,” Taako said with an evil grin. 

Lup smiles, the expression only slightly less mischievous than her brother’s as she agrees, “He does have the most experience with it.” She meets Barry’s eyes and shrugs. “Sorry, you do.”

The comment grates on him. If the mission had gone according to plan they would have returned home and all taken similar responsibilities to these: lecturing and teaching about their findings. He might have been a teacher for a few decades in the past but they all would have taken that on if the Hunger hadn’t intervened. 

And beyond that, it feels like he’s being pushed aside. 

Well, if they’re trying to get rid of him, he’ll get rid of himself. “Actually, I think I should stay with the ship. We have the light. There’s more I can accomplish in the lab than out there.” He forces himself to avoid looking at Lup as he continues, “In fact, I think I should just take the ship this year and let the rest of you switch off. You can divide up the responsibilities and otherwise have time off.”

“That’s not a bad idea, Barry,” Davenport responds. “But I don’t like you taking it alone. We can switch out and make sure there’s a second on board with you. Magnus why don’t you...”

“Awww, Cap’n’port!” Magnus protests, “I’ve already lined up a trip with those brothers we met…”

Merle groans and interrupts them both as they wind up for an argument. “C’mon, Dav. Let’s settle this later. We’ve got a week before the first gig. In the meantime we…”

Barry doesn’t pay much attention to Merle’s suggestion for the week or the responses from the rest of the crew. His own year is decided. He’s trying not to let the unhappiness he feels show on his face. Things have been strained among the whole crew. The year trapped on the ship with no breaks from each other has worn down everyone’s patience.

And he and Lup haven’t been exempt from that strain. Since the new cycle began they’ve only managed to get away together once and it was cut short. The expeditions with local ships and diving rigs have taken most of their time and opportunities to sneak off have been virtually nonexistent. 

And it hasn’t seemed to bother her very much. The thought curls dark and painful inside him. Part of him has expected this but it doesn’t dull the teeth of the misery taking up residence in his gut.

She was right to keep things quiet, keep the crew unaware of their relationship. If it’s over then at least they can be spared the awkwardness of telling everyone.

He stands and excuses himself, leaving the other six to squabble over how to break up the next nine months. He’ll go to the lab and start getting used to being alone in that space again. 

Whatever else is going on between them, he’s not immune to feeling Lup’s eyes on him as he leaves the room. He flashes an understanding smile at her, trying to let her know there’s nothing they have to discuss, that he gets it. Then, unable to cover his feelings any longer, he flees.

It’s twenty minutes before Lup enters the lab, shutting the door behind her with no attempt at gentleness. He’s tried to drive out the emotions threatening to drown him from inside by preparing for a new round of experiments. This time they - no,  _ he _ \- has tiny crustaceans that he’ll be exposing to the light for various amounts of time. The tiny animals, like nearly microscopic shrimp, are a perfect first attempt at testing for change after being around the light. In any other circumstances he’d be excited about the experiment. Now it’s all he can do to focus on making labels.

“What the fuck was that about?”

Barry takes a deep breath and turns to face her. He only looks at her for a moment before dropping his eyes to the pen in his hand. “Just trying to put the mission first, Lup,” he says.

She touches his arm, fingers hot on his skin even through the material of his shirt and robe. It’s a sign her emotions are high if her fire magic is running her temperature up on her hands. 

He looks up at her and her face is hard, mouth tight. 

_ This is it, _ he thinks. He tries to brace himself for the inevitable.

“You couldn’t talk to me first, though?” Her voice is harsh, her frustration with him obvious. It only winds the misery in his belly tighter.

“Look, Lup, we don’t have to do this. I understand. Don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry about  _ what?” _

Barry has learned a lot of magic over the last four decades but none of it offers what he most wants right now: the ability to disappear and not have to actually say the words she’s forcing out of him.

“You don’t have to break up with me,” he says. It’s all he can do to manage a whisper.

“Why would I…” She sounds completely mystified. For half a breath he hopes he was wrong. Then she continues and the hope evaporates.

“Oh, is  _ that  _ what this is about?” She tilts her head to stare at the ceiling, jaw hard. “Okay, well, I guess we’re doing this, aren’t we? I thought…”

Her words stop his breath. He tries to swallow but the lump in his throat is too much. He just hangs his head and waits.

“Barry Fucking Bluejeans Hallwinter  _ whatever _ the fuck, I wasn’t fucking trying to break up with you!”

His head snaps up, confused. “What?”

Lup shakes her head. “Yeah, my thoughts exactly. What the hell got that in your head?”

“I… You…” He doesn’t know what to say. Wasn’t it obvious? “You’ve barely spoken to me alone in months,” he says, bewildered. “You hardly even look at me. You didn’t even come in the lab most of last year. You were trying to get most of the teaching spots assigned to me…” He spreads his hands, looking baffled. Again and again over pretty much every minute of this cycle and a good portion of the end of last cycle, it’s seemed painfully obvious she was avoiding him.

“I thought we were on the same fucking page on this,” she says, exasperated. “We’ve all been up each other’s ass for fifteen months now! Last year we were only alone when we were making out in a fucking closet! This year we’ve had all these other people onboard trying to coordinate their subs going after the light. There hasn’t been an opportunity to be alone!” Her voice has gotten louder as she’s continued speaking and she finishes in a near yell with, “And now we  _ are _ and we’re  _ fighting!” _

He’s not sure what to say. He was so sure she was breaking up with him. He’s not sure she hasn’t anyway. “I’m sorry,” he offers quietly. 

“How can you even think that?” she asks. Her voice is lower now and she’s staring at him, trying to read something in his eyes he’s not sure how to explain. “Do you not know how…” She stops, tucks her hair behind her ears and then scrubs at her eyes. “I love you, don’t you get that? How is it so easy for you to think I’ve got one foot out the door?”

There are several answers to that question but the way she’s asking makes him hesitate to offer them. Why wouldn’t she have one foot out the door? Isn’t that why they’re doing this in secret? What can he offer her? He’s believed from the start this was impossible, that she’d come to her senses. This was an experiment, like the cycle she’d worn her hair in a mohawk with green tips. She’d get tired of it, of him, wouldn’t she? Go back to normal and pretend none of this had happened.

All those answers sound like he doesn’t have faith in her, though, and that’s the farthest from the truth. He has too much faith in her to think she’d continue to chose him. It’s all too big, too hard to explain. Just considering admitting it all makes him feel too vulnerable, like he’d be walking across a firing range with a target painted on his chest showing how to hurt him the most.

She wouldn’t hurt him. Not on purpose. A new feeling blooms in the hurt he’s harboring: shame. He’s not being fair to her.

Lup sighs. “You look like a dog waiting for someone to kick it,” she tells him. “I don’t know how to convince you to stop looking for the boot.” She runs her hands through her hair, pulling it back from her face and tight against her scalp before letting it all go again to spring back into the natural curls trailing over one shoulder. “It’s been a rough fifteen months,” she tells him. “Let’s just…”

“Hey! You nerds gonna come with us to that feast in the town square?” Taako’s voice on the other side of the door startles both of them and they look guiltily at the closed door. “We’re taking off in a few. Dav and Merle are staying so neither of you have an excuse!”

Barry and Lup exchange glances. “Be there in a minute, ‘Koko!” Her voice is bright, normal. It cuts him that she can sound fine when he feels so far from it. The twins have had a different life than his, though. They couldn’t have afforded to wear their hearts on their sleeves. He wishes he could stop doing it.

Lup stands and heads to the door. “Come on, we’ll talk about this later.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t, Lup. I can’t go out there and…” Dismay flashes over her face but she conceals it quickly and nods. He stands up, back straight. “I’ll go,” he says. He was in love with her for forty years and got through that. He can get through one evening. And if he needs to he can get through forty more. Whatever he has to. He won’t let his issues make things worse for her, not if he can help it. Not anymore.

“Are you sure?” she asks. “I can make excuses for…”

“I’m sure,” he answers and forces a smile. He concentrates his effort on his eyes. The eyes are the key, he knows. 

This time it’s pride that flashes over Lup’s face. She tosses a glance over her shoulder and darts forward. She kisses the corner of his mouth, a lightning quick brush of her lips against his skin. “Thank you,” she says. Her eyes are bright.

He wants to wrap his arms around her and make the rest of them wait, keep them waiting for hours. He wants to work things out with her. Most of all he wants to never let her go. 

She opens the door. “See you out there.” Then she’s gone. 

Barry waits, counting slowly in his head the way he has so many times now when the two of them have tried to look like they aren’t together. Making sure there’s space between them. Making sure to keep the ruse.

 

—-

 

The celebration is a better distraction than he’d hoped. There are people from the whole island here, all the submarine crews that helped them find the light, and so many kinds of food and drink that he can barely take it all in.

His stomach is in knots and eating is far beyond his acting abilities. He does a good job of seeming like he’s just eaten, though. A napkin in his hand or a cup of sweetened  _ colpia _ water made with the fruit of a bush that grows in every available space, in planters on balconies, in swaying nets on the floating platforms that surround the island to double the livable space. These people have learned how to make the most of every resource as well as push their technology to allow them to explore the watery depths. He wishes he had more time to learn from them, wishes there were a way they could fit one of their subs on the Starblaster so that other cycles when the light lands in the water wouldn’t be automatic losses.

Knots of conversation catch him here and there. He drifts between them, discussing fascinating topics that would normally completely absorb him. 

Lup and Taako are a bright and particularly lively spot among the party goers, one Barry tries his best not to be aware of. He catches himself watching her, charting every laugh and smile and touch. More than anything he wishes he could be there beside her, effortlessly held in her orbit instead of across the room feeling like some vital piece is missing when he’s not beside her.

It’s not just that he loves her. Not just that he needs to be around her. It’s that pretending otherwise is like denying some defining part of himself.

Once again the thought spins through his head: if she ends this…

There’s no way to finish the thought. He’ll have to deal with it, he knows. There’s no other option but to keep pressing forward, to do his part to make everyone safe. But the end of that sentence is an emotional wasteland that makes it hard to breathe. It fills his chest with a feeling so heavy it’s a wonder his lungs can still push air in and out. Barry is a scientist with an excellent understanding of the inner workings of his physiology among other fields of study. But when it comes to love, when it comes to  _ Lup _ all that knowledge goes out the window, replaced with a certainty that his internal organs are being crushed beneath an emptiness with an immeasurable weight.

Across the town square she glances at him. He hadn’t realized he’d pinned his eyes on her again but she smiles and he returns the smile gratefully. They’ll be okay. They will. He’s scared, terrified really. He’d never thought there was a chance she could return his feelings and now that he’s had a taste of it the thought of going without is too much to consider. But it’s just fear. It’s anxiety and low self esteem and simply not believing anything as amazing as Lup loving him could really happen. 

He can do better than those thoughts, though. He can  _ be _ better. Lup deserves it and, fuck it, he deserves it, too.


	32. Ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, we need to talk.”
> 
> The words make his stomach drop. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees, feeling sick.

After the celebration in town, the five of them walk back to the dock where the Starblaster floats. It’s strange seeing the ship sitting on the water rather than hovering in the air but it does blend in better this way. There are other floating vessels that are made of a gleaming, metallic-like material that is produced by some process they are hoping to learn and replicate. No other ship has anything like the enormous ring the Starblaster sports, though. 

It’s a beautiful night, warm with a gentle breeze. The sky is filled with unfamiliar constellations that glimmer on the waves. 

None of them are wearing their robes. The heat of the day had been too much for additional layers. They look like any other group of islanders though Lucretia and the twins especially look the part with their darker skin. Still, even Barry has gotten more sun than usual after nearly three months of watching from the deck for signals from the searchers helping them look for the light. It will fade quickly with long hours in the lab, of course. 

He’s regretting his impulsive offer to stay with the ship. Maybe he could talk to Davenport and take a few of the teaching slots instead of a full nine months alone in the lab in self imposed isolation.

He can’t decide if that thought is selfish of him - not prioritizing his responsibility for the mission - or if it’s an improvement from his earlier petulant behavior. There has to be a balance between the two, he knows. That’s part of what this time with he and Lup keeping things secret was supposed to be. And he hasn’t managed it at all, has he?

They need to talk. There’s just a few days until the first scheduled lecture and the first class is shortly after that. He could keep the ship local, still see her… but that’s not what Davenport wanted. And after last year the crew did all need more space. Plus, if someone is assigned to the ship with him, he’ll have to worry about excuses and explanations. 

Getting nowhere with his spinning thoughts, Barry tries to pay attention to the discussion the others are having. Magnus has been excitedly explaining the fishing trip he’s scheduled to take with a pair of brothers who’d helped search for the light. 

“They catch these enormous fish, fish so big it can take hours to land one!” His eyes are distant, imagining the challenge.

“Huh,” Taako says.

“I know, I know, you wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near that, right?”

“No, actually, it sounds … good.”

“Yeah?” Magnus asks, the single syllable drenched in excitement. “Do you want to go? I’m sure they’d love to have everyone. What about you guys? Lucretia? Lup? Barry? Oh, yeah, sorry, Barry, guess you’re not interested.”

Barry smiles. He’s not sure if he’d want to go or not but it’s yet another thing he’s cut himself out of before he could make that choice. “Thanks, though, Mags.”

“Ladies?” Magnus asks, looking back and forth between Lup and Lucretia. 

“No thank you, Magnus,” Lucretia answers. 

“Lup?”

“Do I want to come with you on your boat trip to wrestle fish? Magnus, I can not express the depths of how much I do not want to do that.”

Taako laughs and throws an arm around Magnus. “Let ‘em miss out,” he says. 

The comment clears the disappointment away from Magnus’s face. “Yeah, it’ll be great, Taako, just wait! Oh, and they were telling me they take the raw fish and use it to make these things they roll up with like, other stuff? I don’t know. But you’re a chef, you’ll probably dig it.”

They make their way through a labyrinth of floating docks out to the spot where the Starblaster floats. On board, Lucretia goes her separate way first, leaving the other four in the common room as Taako and Magnus continue discussing their fishing trip. 

“I’m gonna go let Cap’n’port know we’re back,” Lup says. She glances at Barry before she goes and he hopes the look means she’d like for them to talk.

He waits a few minutes after she goes and, with a yawn he doesn’t have to fake, makes his excuses as well. 

Checking the lab, he doesn’t find her. It’s late, though, and he certainly might have misinterpreted the glance. He checks on a few things around the lab then heads to his room. 

Barry has just managed to remove his belt and begin taking off his shirt when there’s a soft knock at his door. His hands still on the buttons of his shirt, surprised. Then frantically he begins rebuttoning them before opening the door.

“Hey,” Lup says, “Can I come in?”

“Oh, uh, um, yeah, sure,” he stammers. He opens the door wide and she comes in, closing it behind her. 

“So, we need to talk.”

The words make his stomach drop. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees, feeling sick.

“Hey.” Lup reaches up to gently cup his cheek with her hand. She stares in his eyes. “We’re not breaking up, okay?”

He nods, still afraid. He takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

“You missed a button,” she points out with a small smile. 

He looks down at his shirt. He’s used the second button in the third hole and the first button in the second hole, leaving a gap where they’re misaligned. Fingers fumbling, he undoes the buttons and fixes them, then does a halfhearted job of tucking the shirt in again. When he looks up, Lup is sitting on the edge of his bed. 

He’s trying to decide which is less awkward: pulling out his desk chair or sitting beside her, when she pats the space next to her on the bed. Swallowing, he takes another deep breath then sits beside her. 

Lup slips her flats off and pulls her legs up on the bed to sit cross legged facing him. He angles towards her and she takes his hands, resting their linked hands between them.

“Okay, so, let’s start with the thing this afternoon. I thought we were finally going to have some time together and you thought we were breaking up and volunteered to take the ship.”

“Yeah, sorry,” he says. The word doesn’t convey the amount of remorse he actually feels. “I can try to talk to Davenport about…”

“We’ll get to that. But I’ve been thinking about it and I think that’s a big portion of the problem: we’re both assuming things instead of talking. Right?”

Barry nods. “And when I assume, I guess I always go for the worst.”

Lup tightens her fingers with his. The pressure is reassuring. “Yeah, that’s another part of it. But we can fight… er,  _ counteract _ some of that by communicating better.”

“I’m going to work on my, uh, tendency to expect the worst,” he tells her. “I was thinking about that tonight. You deserve better.” Lup starts to respond but he quickly amends,  _ “We _ deserve better.”

The smile she gives him is warm. He can feel it thawing his fears. “I have absolutely no doubt that you can do anything you set your mind on,” she tells him.

Her smile fades and she gives him an apologetic look as she admits, “It would probably be easier if we told everyone but… I’m just not ready for that.”

She sighs. “I know it made last year harder than it had to be in a lot of ways but think about how it would have been if they’d known. Can you imagine? The first time we disagreed on something Davenport and Lucretia jump in to play mediator? Magnus worrying he was gonna have to pick a side? Taako…”

“The way things were last cycle, Taako might have just killed me first and asked questions later.”

“Exactly.”

“We shouldn’t tell them yet,” Barry agrees. “You’re right. We need more time to find our balance. Last year was a hard test of it.” He looks down at their hands. “We can do it. I know we can. But we aren’t there yet.”

Lup looks relieved. “I’m glad you feel that way. I hate keeping us secret. I  _ want _ to tell them. I don’t want to hide this.” She grins at him and continues. “I want to be able to kiss you whenever I feel like it! But we only have one chance to figure this out on our own, you know?”

“Yeah. And when we do tell them it will be because we’ve… because we’ve built our foundation strong, I guess.”

“I’m so glad you see it like that, babe. That’s exactly what I want.”

Lup stands up. While she slips her shoes back on, Barry stands as well. She looks up and her face transforms. There’s a smile there he doesn’t get to see often. He’s mentally catalogued her smiles for decades. But this is a newer one, one she only offers to him and only in the rare moments like these when they are completely alone. It’s probably the best thing he’s ever seen, that smile. The curve of her lips, the specific way the muscles pull her cheeks, all the tiny things that make that unique expression are burned in his head, a picture he takes with him always.

He leans forward and kisses her. It’s soft, hesitant. As brief as it is, it’s better than the rushed and worried makeouts they’d snuck in last cycle in that stupid storage closet.

When he begins to straighten, she throws her arms around his neck and pulls him back. The insistence in her kiss surprises him, melts away another sliver of worry sitting like ice in his gut. 

This time when they part it’s so they can both catch their breath. And when she smiles it’s part of an expression he’s never seen, one he can barely read on her face, it’s so unexpected. Lup looks timid.

“Bluejeans? Would, uh, would you…” She swallows and starts again. “Can I stay the night?”

In his abnormally long and unusual life Barry has seen a lot of surprising things. Nothing has ever surprised him more than Lup looking unsure and asking this question. “Really? You want to stay in here?” His eyes are wide and the shocked smile on his face makes him look like a little boy.

Lup laughs and tucks her fingers into the front pockets of his jeans, pulling him close. “Yeah,” she teases, “if you can be convinced to go along with the  idea anyway.”

He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and smooths it down, running his hand over her hair reverently. “I, uh, I think I could be talked into it,” he says. His words are teasing but his voice is a hoarse whisper. 

“Oh, my convincing wasn’t going to involve much talking,” she answers. Then she kisses him again and that rare glimpse of Lup looking timid is wiped away entirely.

 

—-

 

A few hours later the two of them are curled up, limbs tangled together under his blankets. Matching sleepy smiles are on both of their faces but they are reluctant to succumb to their exhaustion. 

Lup is tucked into the crook of his arm, hair spilling over his bicep in wild curls and tangles. Her fingers are toying with the salt and pepper hairs on his chest idly, her grin widening every time he squirms because it tickles. 

“I can’t believe I’ve seen Barry Bluejeans without his bluejeans.”

His smile stretches wider across his face. “I can’t believe my girlfriend and her brother gave me the dumbest name ever, much less that I willingly go by it now.”

Lup snorts, “I think you mean ‘most iconic name ever’, babe.”

“Dumbest, most iconic name ever,” he amends.

“Hallwinter, Bluejeans, I don’t care what you go by,” she tells him, raising her head to look at him. “I love you.”

The man called Barry Bluejeans tightens his arm around her. “I love you, too, Lup. So much I don’t know how there’s room for anything else. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky.”

Lup lays her head back on him and closes her eyes. “We’re both lucky.”

They continue talking but their words and voices begin to fade as sleepiness steals over them. 

He’s almost drifted off when her voice pulls him alert again. 

“What if I volunteer to take ship duty with you? Offer to help with the experiments with the light.” She tilts her head to look at him as he shifts to see her. “We could have months of this.”

He can’t form words, they’ve all flown out of his head. He just kisses her forehead, sprinkling more kisses over her skin enthusiastically. 

She smiles at his excitement. “I mean if you don’t like the idea...” she teases, squinting her eyes as she peers at him. 

“Really, Lup?” he asks. “I know you’re anxious for some time off ship.”

“I’m more anxious for some time alone with my boyfriend.”

“Oh, Lup… I mean, uh, I’d hate for you to give up your time on the surface with Taako or just, uh, just being alone and looking at something unfamiliar for once. But…” He grins and kisses her again before snuggling back down under the blankets. He turns to lay on his stomach and props his head on the pillow and his folded arms, watching her. “I think it would be amazing to…” He takes a deep breath, imagining the possibilities. “To just to be with you? Around you? All the time? Not worry about who might come in?”

She reaches a hand up to push the hair back from his forehead. She studies his face for a long moment. “Being able to have more of  _ this _ would be pretty good, too. Wake up next to you? Sleep beside you? Just work and cook and do things together like a normal couple instead of two sevenths of the team responsible for preventing the apocalypse? Yeah, I think it’s worth it, babe.”

Barry rolls onto his side, still facing her, and catches her hand in his. He pulls her fingers up to his mouth and places a string of kisses across her knuckles. “Have I told you lately how much I love you? Cause it’s a lot. I mean, um, I don’t want to oversell it but, uh, the Hunger would choke.”

Lup laughs, her whole body shaking and eyes crinkling with laughter. “Holy shit, babe,” she gasps out between giggles. “That’s the sweetest, nerdiest thing I’ve ever fucking heard.”

 

—-

 

Barry wakes up sometime later. He’s alone, the too briefly crowded bed feeling impossibly empty. 

There’s a note on the pillow beside him. Lup’s familiar handwriting instructs him to “Keep this pillow warm for me! I want it back soon!”

He hugs the note to his chest. The paper is a pale stand in for her but the thought of them alone together on the ship for the rest of the year helps. 

As he dresses he’s already imagining things the two of them can do. Dinner together on the deck like that time after ship inspection with Dav, when she brought him take out. This time instead of a heating pad he’ll have Lup cuddled beside him. Cooking with her. Reading in the common room curled together on the couch. Grabbing a kiss whenever the mood strikes without looking over their shoulders. Taking the ship where they please and watching the sun rise or set while holding her hand.

Even if they spent the whole year eating nothing but the dreaded dried fish they’ve stored it would be the best months of his life. 

They’ll work in the lab exactly as they’ve said they will. But they’ll also tour this world together, side by side without worrying who might catch them. They can even sleep on the deck under the stars until the unfamiliar constellations become theirs. 

His worry, fear, and and anxiety have lost their grip on him for the moment. It’s a foreign but wonderful feeling being without them. The space clear of those feelings reminds him he needs to work to fend them off, to keep them from having a place between he and Lup. It would have been entirely too easy for his issues to have ruined things for them. She -  _ they _ \- deserve better than that. They deserve to be happy. 

 

—-

 

“Hand me the grater?”

“No cheese on mine,” he reminds her as he passes it to her.

“Babe. How many years now? I  _ got _ it.” She pauses and frowns. Then she turns and kisses his cheek and smiles at him. “No, you’re right to remind me. Better than you ending up sick.”

“Eh, I know you know. It’s just habit. It looks good, though. Do you think that cheese would keep at all? We could…”

“Nah, this is really soft goat cheese. The softer the cheese the shorter it lasts.”

“Maybe we can come back right before reset at least, get some to start off next cycle. I know everyone loves that thing you make with the cheese sauce and…” 

She stops his words by aiming a forkful of food at his mouth. He opens his mouth for it and she asks, “Not too spicy, right?”

Barry blinks rapidly and chews quickly. He swallows then, voice strained, says, “Noit’sfine!” then grabs a glass and fills it under the faucet before chugging it. 

“Oh shit, babe, I’m sorry!”

He glances over and puts the glass down with a sheepish grin. “Sorry, I was just teasing. It’s good.”

Her eyes go wide. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Uh, I  _ was _ but, uh, … I’m sorry.”

“Shit, I can’t believe you actually fooled me. You’re usually the  _ worst _ liar.”

“Hey! I’ve had decades to pick up how to pull a con, learning from the absolute masters!”

“I know! You’d think Taako and I would have rubbed off on you better!”

“I was going to say Davenport and Merle, actually,” he teases, unable to keep a straight face.

Lup shakes her head and picks up the plates she’s filled for them. “Grab the drinks?” she asks.

Barry picks up their drinks well as and forks napkins then and follows her out onto the deck. They’ve been eating outside any time the weather is clear, enjoying the sun and warmth.

It’s another beautiful, clear evening. 

After they eat, they curl up on a mattress they’ve drug out to the deck. They’ve ‘parked’ the Starblaster over a tiny sandbar. It’s just a shallow bit of water where a little bit of elevation didn’t quite manage to become a true island. But for now the waves crash on it and offer background noise sound for their stargazing.

“I’ve gotten spoiled, you know,” she tells him. “Gonna be hard going back to sleeping alone. You’re like a big, warm teddy bear that cuddles back.”

“I don’t even want to think about that,” he answers. “But maybe next year we’ll have time together  _ away _ from the ship.”

Lup laughs and curls onto her side, tucking close to him. 

In the past, in his long ago life before the IPRE, the Starblaster, and Lup, he’d always felt awkward about being physical with other people. Handshakes were enough to make him anxious. Was he holding too tightly? Too loosely? Was his hand sweaty? How long should he shake? Should he offer his hand or wait for the other person to do it first? Hugs? Kisses? Sex? All seemed like a minefield of possible mistakes for him to make. 

But with Lup it feels natural. He still worries, of course. When he wakes up he worries that he’s snored and kept her up. When they go to sleep he worries he’ll roll over and squash her. He worries about silly and not so silly things. 

The difference is that it doesn’t stop him. With Lup he’s too caught up in how much he loves her, how much he enjoys being around her. He’s too focused on making sure she knows it.

“How about tomorrow we call Taako and see if he and Magnus are done with their trip?” Barry suggests. “We can meet up and you can go to dinner with them.”

“You getting sick of me, Bluejeans?”

“Absolutely not,” he answers immediately. “I just don’t want you getting sick of me. Or being on this ship, which is my fault.”

“Hey, no regrets, okay? This has been wonderful.”

“It has,” he says, angling to see her. It’s dark but the moonlight makes her almost glow. “You’re so beautiful,” he says suddenly because he couldn’t hold the words in if he tried. 

She smiles and it almost hurts how perfect the moment is. “You’re pretty fucking handsome, yourself.” She traces a finger along his jaw. “I love when you’re getting this little bit of stubble and you look like this badass… I dunno, rancher or something.”

The image surprises a laugh out of him. “Is it worth the scratchy beard burn?” 

Her face scrunches up, “uh, mayyyybe not.” She sits up and leans over him, bending to kiss him. She runs her hand over his cheek as she sits up. “Not  _ so _ bad, I guess. Though there are more delicate areas,” she teases, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Want me to go shave?”

She drops back down beside him. “Not yet. The snuggling is too good. Maybe when we go inside.”

_ “IF _ we go inside,” he counters. “Wouldn’t be the first night we slept out here.”

“Won’t be the last, either, if I have any say. It’s perfect.”

“Should maybe take those dishes in, though.”

“Hmm, I think you said something but I couldn’t hear you.”

“I said maybe we should clean up our dinner mess.”

“Nope, didn’t catch that at all.”

He laughs and squeezes his arm around her. “I’m gonna tell Taako you’re making a wreck of his kitchen.”

Lup snorts. “It’s not  _ his _ kitchen, anyway. And I’ll tell him you did it.”

“Shit. He’d believe you, too. Remember when I made that big meal trying to surprise you guys? He just kept giving me the stink eye, like I was going to do something wrong. I don’t think he ever realized I’d been using the kitchen every night for weeks trying to perfect those macarons.”

Lup shifts, crossing her arms on his stomach and propping her head there. “Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah. I wanted to make an amazing meal for you. For, uh, everyone.”

“You’re a good guy, Barry Bluejeans.”

His cheeks heat at the comment and he wonders if her darkvision picks up his blush. “Thanks.”

“Let’s not call Taako tomorrow,” she says. “Or call him but not try to meet up. Let’s take the ship further north and see what we find there. Maybe we can find someplace with chickens. If we get eggs I can make cake. How’s that sound?”

“That sounds amazing, Lup. It’s a plan.”

“I have some other plans, too,” she tells him. Her fingers begin undoing the buttons on his shirt.

“Yeah?” he asks, grinning.

“Yeah. We need to take advantage of this privacy while we can, you know?”

“You  _ do _ have the best ideas.”


	33. Statues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another new plane, another new world. Time with Lup is hard to come by as they search for the light. Still making the most of their stolen moments, Barry learns to grab happiness with both hands and not let go.

Ever since they landed on this planet, they’ve seen statues and artwork commemorating a pair of people. The pair are always holding hands and looking strong and confident. In parks, in front of businesses, in grassy medians, the pair are nearly as common as street lights. Both of them are tall and slender, with long hair pulled back from their faces and falling in thin braids over their shoulders, one with pointed ears protruding through the careful plaits. 

They seemed to catch Lup’s interest in particular. 

Barry’s attention is on something he can’t believe he hasn’t done before. He’s trying to learn elvish. The twins don’t use it that much but still, he’d learned the animal language with them in their first year but never thought to learn theirs. He feels remiss.

It’s on his mind because that is the primary language here, or close enough, anyway. 

They’ve come across this a lot, languages so similar to those on their own planet as to nearly be the same. It’s certainly convenient but also extremely weird. It’s like there are only so many pieces that can be shuffled differently so the same languages come up again and again. Or races recognizable as humans or elves or dwarves or gnomes or halflings or dragonborn or orcs…

It helps them blend in and communicate, hit the ground running to chase leads on the light. 

All the more reason for him to learn elvish. Aside from the very good reason that it is a language his girlfriend speaks.  

His girlfriend. Every now and again the word comes up in his thoughts or in conversation with Lup and it feels amazing. Honestly, the only thing better is hearing her say boyfriend. 

It’s been a few years since that day with the ice cream and the elevator and still, he’s more in love with her every single day, every single time he looks at her. He knows he wants to spend every day with her, all the days he gets and every night too. That’s getting a bit ahead of things considering they still haven’t told the crew. She still only slips into his room when she feels it’s safe enough and she’s always gone when he wakes up. Those glorious months alone on the ship haven’t been repeated. They’ve only had a few nights away together on research expeditions, trips for the two of them far enough away from the others that they can be a couple instead of coworkers. 

But when there are missteps it’s good to not have everyone else looking over their shoulders or offering advice. Each issue that comes up can be dealt with on their own and when they conquer a problem, they feel stronger and more solid as a couple. 

The other thing keeping them secret is that there’s no undoing it once they make it known, no putting the cat back in the bag. So they keep the secret, waiting for the right moment even though it feels like a foregone conclusion. 

The secrecy also helps keep them focused on their work. If there weren’t the need to keep things under wraps he might never take his eyes off her, let alone his hands or lips. Gods, he’s never felt like this before. Past relationships haven’t been anything like this. He  _ craves _ her. If the mission were less important he’d be tempted to throw it off for a couple years and disappear with her. He could spend weeks just kissing her. Another month simply sitting tucked up next to her. Ten solid years just back to back moments of falling asleep beside her and those rarer moments of waking up next to her. The months alone on the ship with her were the best days of his strangely long life. 

Well, the crew has been splitting up for short expeditions looking for the light. Maybe the two of them will have more opportunities to go off together this year. 

 

—-

 

Barry is falling asleep but struggling not to. He’s spent the day hiking with Magnus and a local guide, scouring a marshy, heavily wooded area for the light. After an already long day, they split up. Magnus continues further north with their guide to meet the group Davenport and Merle are searching with. Barry claims he’s heading back to the ship. And he is, he’s just stopping on the way to spend the night in an inn with Lup first.

That night in bed, as tired as he is, he doesn’t want to fall asleep and waste these moments with Lup beside him. 

She’s sitting up, reading a book she picked up while out with Taako that afternoon, the two of them trying to find shelf stable food to add to their stored supplies. 

Even though they’re in an inn together where no one should even know to look for them, he’s unable to shake the worry that he’ll wake up to find her gone again like usual, snuck back to her room or to the kitchen or to hang out with her brother or wherever she goes to avoid being caught in his room. 

Each time his exhaustion pulls him under it’s only a moment before he snaps back awake, desperate not to lose a moment of time with her. It’s a fight he can’t win, though.

“Babe! They were a couple! Like us!”

His eyes spring open again. “Who?”

She glances over at him and smiles. It’s that smile he treasures so much, the one he’d never seen before they were together. The one she saves only for him. “Sorry, babe, I should let you sleep.”

“No, I’d rather talk to you. I hate waking up with you gone.”

“We’re not on the ship, I can stay all night. I’ll be here in the morning.” She looks at him steadily. “Promise.”

“I’d still rather talk to you.”

She laughs, pats his arm, and puts her book aside to snuggle down beside him. “Well, I mean, I just started it but it’s about the people those statues are for. The ones we’ve seen everywhere?”

“Mmmhmm.”

She moves her pillow closer, her head just inches from his. “They were a couple like us - human and elf. Well, they were an elven lord and a human queen, actually.”

He’s stroking his fingers on her arm as he listens. “Yeah?”

“The elves and humans were at war but somehow their two leaders fell in love and convinced their countries to work together. So far, the book has mostly just talked about how the two countries were unified because of them.”

“And then, what, every citizen built a statue for them?”

Lup laughs and shrugs one shoulder, “Seems like. There’s certainly a lot of statues.”

“How did they…” a yawn breaks his words off. He tucks his head down to cover it rather than move his arms from around her. “Sorry.” The word is barely out of his mouth before another yawn follows.

“Go to sleep, Bear. You humans need a lot of it, more than you usually manage to get, I believe.”

“I’ll sleep later, I want to hear about your book.”

She’s quiet, considering. Then a devilish smile blooms. “Okay, well, the elven lord, um,  _ Larry _ was exhausted. He’d been out hiking all day with his friend and then his beautiful girlfriend, uhhhh,  _ Bup? I guess? _ She got him in bed but, well, they didn’t do any sleeping cause they were away from their family who didn’t know about them yet.”

“Larry and Bup?” he asks, chuckling.

“Yeah, shh, I’m telling a story!”

He smiles and listens as she continues.

“Did I mention Larry’s hands? Because this man had some  _ amazing _ hands. Like, these big, strong, science boy hands. Bup really,  _ really _ enjoyed his hands.”

“And you’re sure this is in your book?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Mmmhmmm, now stop interrupting me, I was just getting to the good part.”

It’s another hour before either of them get any sleep.

 

—-

 

She is still there beside him in the morning as she’d promised. They delay getting up, stealing every possible extra moment together. 

Lup’s stone of far speech is what pulls them back to reality. 

Taako’s voice startles them both, “Hey, goofus, where the fuck are you?”

Lup stretches across Barry and snatches up the stone from the bedside table. Her free hand goes over Barry’s mouth and she widens her eyes at him emphatically as she answers. “Where am I? Where are  _ you? _ I’ve been waiting at this stupid spice shop for an hour. I’m about to just do it without you.”

She holds the stone to her ear and Barry hears only muffled noises from Taako.

“I could have sworn you said meet here first and then we’d go… Fine. You know what? Why don’t we just meet at that restaurant in an hour?” She winks at Barry as she amends, “Actually make it two hours, I’m not hungry yet.”

While Taako responds, she mouths at Barry,  _ ‘Not for food anyway,’ _ with some salacious eyebrow raising.

Barry shifts his head to get clear her hand over his mouth and then play-bites her finger. 

She yelps in surprise. “Sorry,” she apologizes to Taako, “something bit me.” Narrowing her eyes at Barry she says, “I hope it’s not poisonous.” She bares her teeth at him then mouths,  _ ‘You’re next.’ _

She listens to her brother for a moment. “That’s fine. Oh, call Lucretia and see if she wants to go.”

Taako answers and then Lup gives an exaggerated, “Ohh, Barry isn’t back yet? Huh. He’s taking over ship duty, though, so I’m sure he’ll show up.” She doesn’t break eye contact with Barry as she tells Taako, “He was probably tired after all that hiking with Magnus. I bet he overslept. I’ll call and check on him.”

Barry waits impatiently as she wraps up her conversation. When she drops the stone back on the table he grabs her and rolls them both over on the bed, trapping her between his arms. “I’ll show you who’s tired,” he growls while she giggles at him.

“I dunno, babe, I might need to get treated for this terrible bite. You never know what you might catch from a wild animal.”

He takes her hand and delicately kisses her finger. “There, kissed it better.”

Grinning from ear to pointed ear, Lup tells him, “I might have a few more places in need of treatment, Dr. Bluejeans.”

Lup is a little late to meet Taako.

 

—-

 

Barry is bringing the ship north for a while before he trades off with Davenport and Merle so he doesn’t see Lup for a few weeks. 

When he finally does get to see her, Taako, Merle, and Davenport all there so they aren’t able to talk. 

She seems different somehow, avoiding his eyes. He hopes he’s being paranoid but it worries him. The five of them sit down to discuss new search ideas for the light. She sits on the other side of Taako, putting her brother between the two of them and swapping her usual spot. It’s another piece of  _ not right _ sitting heavy on his chest.

It’s been months of splitting up in teams following every lead they can find but they’ve run out of tips to pursue. Magnus and Lucretia have just reported back that the lead they were following was another bust. Without having seen the light’s arrival arc they are looking for a beach ball sized needle in a planet sized haystack.

For two hours Barry mostly keeps his mind on their search for the light. Only a few dozen times during the meeting do his eyes wander towards Lup, searching for some reaction from her that will put his mind at ease. But she never meets his eye, never smiles, offers very few comments on the subject even when he specifically asks her if an aspect of their research could be used. She just shrugs and takes a drink of coffee.

Finally Davenport calls an end to the meeting. “We’re not getting anywhere with this. Lup, Taako, do you two want to keep trying to source out more supplies we can stock up on? If this cycle is going to be a bust on the light then we can at least try to make sure our stores are in top shape.”

“And no more dried fish,” Merle adds. “Ever.”

Taako snorts. “No kidding. We’ve got a few more ideas to check on, right, Lup?”

She just nods and continues scribbling something on her paper.

Barry doesn’t know what to do. It’s glaringly obvious that something is wrong but if she’s not responding to anyone maybe it’s not just him. But what could be wrong? 

As the meeting breaks up, she’s up from the table and turning down the hallway before he can stop her. 

“Lup?” he calls.

Taako is in the doorway and calls after his sister. “Hey, Lulu, Barold wants to talk to you!”

In elvish, Barry hears her answer, “I don’t want to talk to him right now.”

Before he can stop himself he answers, the still awkward elvish he’s been studying to surprise her coming out of his mouth unplanned. “I am sorry, not mean bother to you.”

Taako’s head snaps back to look at him. “When did you pick that up?” he asks in elvish, looking suspicious.

Barry answers in halting elvish, “I have working on for useful skill. I… I going to tell when better.”

Taako nods. “Yeah, needs work,” he answers in common. Then he follows Lup down the hallway.

 

—-

 

That night, the five of them are still together on the ship together and Barry hopes that Lup will show up at his door.

She doesn’t. 

Again and again he nearly goes to her but with her room beside Taako’s it seems certain she wouldn’t want him to. Instead he paces around his room, too anxious to sit or study or do anything other than wear a path in the small space. 

Sometime before dawn he falls asleep for a few fitful hours. When he startles awake he can feel the ship moving. He knows before his feet hit the floor that she and Taako have left on their expedition. For a long moment he just sits on the edge of the bed with his head dropped, staring at the floor.

Then, because there’s no other option, he gets up, changes out of the clothes he slept in, and heads to the lab to work.

Waiting at his work area is the book she’d started that night at the inn. A note is stuck inside, tucked into the last few pages. With shaking hands, he opens the book to reveal the note.

“Assuming you read elvish better than you speak it, this will explain…”

Barry turns it over in his hands, looking for some obvious explanation for how the book could have caused such a change. They were fine that last day together,  _ better _ than fine. That night and following morning are some of his favorite memories with her on an already crowded list. 

He drops heavily into his chair and sits the book back on the counter. His fingers run through his hair uneasily, eyes never leaving the cover of the thing. Then, lab work forgotten, he picks up the book and starts to read.

 

—-

 

Barry is a fast reader but his skill level in elvish slows him considerably. Again and again he has to stop and double check words. There’s also frequent breaks where he looks at her note again, searching for more clues because he still doesn’t understand.

He skips eating, waves away Merle with a distracted excuse when he checks in, and, bleary eyed and emotionally drained, reads late into the night. 

When he finally finds the explanation it’s on the page where her note was, the same place he returned it each time after reading those handful of words in her familiar handwriting.

He’s not a man for outbursts. He’s never thrown things or yelled or punched anything. But right at the moment he wants to do all of those things. He wants to tear the pages out of the book and shred them into tiny bits. He wants to set fire to the cover, watch the whole thing burn. He wants to yell until his throat hurts. There, right beside her note, right where he should have seen it hours and hours ago, is what has shut her down and made her pull away. 

The only thing he wants more than a way to vent his frustration is the chance to talk to Lup.

The first half of the book had been a dry history outlining the joining of the two former enemy nations into a blend of humans and elves, so well melded together that hundreds of years later the joined country still celebrates the two people who united them.

The second half of the book was a more narrative account of the circumstances that brought them together, the story of how the two fell in love. 

And in the last few remaining pages, in the place where her note was tucked, it describes the death of the human queen, Chella, three hundred and seventy years before her partner, the elven lord Lidi. They’d only had twenty two years together before she died.

He’s thought about the problem, of course. If they ever defeat the Hunger and escape their cycle of running and regenerating, then he’ll begin aging again. His countdown timer, paused for decades and likely the shortest remaining lifespan among the crew, will begin ticking away in earnest. Meanwhile, Lup will have probably another six or seven centuries once time finds them again.

But after their years of fleeing the Hunger, it had begun to feel abstract. And wasn’t being with her, loving her, worth almost any cost?

Now he considers it seriously, looks at it from her perspective. If he was facing centuries without her, centuries where there would be no bond engine to bring her back to him, would he feel the same way?

_ Yes. _

He has to talk to her, beg her not to give up on them, plead with her not to throw away the time they do have. Because the only thing worse than years without her would be years trying to choose not to be with her, trying to steel themselves against future hurt by cutting each other out early. Can’t she see that?

He turns the note over to write something, needing to do something  _ now. _

“Please…”

The single word is all he manages. There’s no way to put it in words on a page. He needs to hold her, see her eyes,  _ talk _ to her. He puts the note back in the book, this time towards the beginning, among the chapters first describing how the couple’s love transformed not just themselves but their whole world.

He stumbles to his bed and drops into it, once again fully clothed. 

 

—-

 

Davenport, Merle, and Barry aren’t scheduled to meet back up with Lup and Taako for a while. The conversation isn’t one they can have over their stones of far speech so there’s nothing to do but wait. For weeks he can do nothing but clean the lab obsessively, trying to organize his arguments in his head, attempting to find the words that will convince her they have to grab what happiness they can.

After so long of thinking she should have someone better, he’s finally convinced  _ himself _ that they both deserve this happiness together only to have her decide the future pain isn’t worth it. Doesn’t she see that if it means keeping her happy he’ll find a way to live forever if that’s what she wants? Hasn’t she figured out that Barry Bluejeans is not in the business of letting her down?

 

—-

 

Two days before they are supposed to meet back up with Taako and Lup, Barry is in the lab sterilizing Petri dishes and flasks yet again when Merle bursts in.

“Dav just spotted a fire, already spread to a bunch of buildings. We’re going to see if we can help if ya wanna…”

“Be right there,” Barry interrupts. “Do I need to bring anything?”

Already turning to go, Merle pauses. “Your spell slots and a lot of luck,” he says. “It looks pretty bad down there.”

By the time they’re on the ground and can get over to the area, the fire is pretty much contained to one building. Barry summons water into strategic positions, coordinating with other casters and traditional firefighters. When he exhausts his magic he moves to a building where the fire is already out and helps search the burned wreckage for survivors. He pairs with another man who introduces himself as Val, a man who he’d seen among the casters earlier. They nod at each other and get to work, sorting through the ruined building for anyone who might be trapped inside. With his struggling elvish he and Val can just manage to communicate enough to coordinate their efforts. If he had spare mental power, he’d kick himself for never learning the language sooner. 

They’ve gotten a pair of women who’d been blocked in their apartment by a fallen chunk of ceiling and three kids and a dog who’d been trying to drag their father out, the man stumbling and blind after being injured rescuing the kids. It’s hot, exhausting work but Barry keeps pushing forward the way he’s learned to over the years, focused on the next task, the next chance, the next person he might help. 

Val gestures to a back corner hallway. Barry can just make out a door in the darkness that has fallen as the sun and remaining fire have both gone down. He’s blown through his magic completely, nothing left to even summon a light. They need to go back and get lanterns or flashlights but it will take too much time to get back to this part of the building and besides, Val is moving forward. They’ll go back after they check this room for…

Fire explodes past him, knocking him against a wall and sprawling to the ground. Everything is coated in pain and now, instead of darkness, there’s fire and smoke making it impossible to see. He calls for Val but can barely hear himself over the roaring flames and the sound of the building now crumbling around them. 

It had to have been something from Val opening the door, he reasons, giving a source for new oxygen to rush into a missed pocket of fire somehow. It had to have knocked Val back too. He feels his way along the floor trying to find the other man. 

He’s just found Val - he thinks the shape he’s bumped against is Val anyway - and is trying to help him up to drag him out when water douses them. He looks up to see Merle, hands raised to cast what must have been Create Water, extinguishing the fire around them. 

“Good thing that fuckin’ worked,” Merle says. “I’m runnin’ dry on spell slots here.” The cleric squints his eyes as he looks at Barry. “Fuck. Not sure my last spell is gonna cover this mess.”

An orb from some foreign magic bobs over Merle’s shoulder, glowing bright enough to illuminate the area around them. Barry turns back and looks at Val and for a moment he’s stunned. It  _ is  _ Val but the man is very badly burned.

And so is he.

Barry looks down at himself and the awareness of his injuries opens the floodgates on the pain that had been a background noise while he searched for Val. He collapses back, slumping against the wall with the last of his energy. He feels a shimmer of magic beside him as Merle prepares to cast again.

“No,” he says, looking up at Merle and shaking his head. The single syllable rips through his throat. He tilts his head towards Val. “Save it for him.”

Merle opens his mouth to protest but closes it again without comment. He moves closer to the man beside Barry and gently lays his hand on Val. A calm green light flows from the cleric’s hand over the man. The burns heal considerably and Val takes a deep breath, grimacing as he tries to sit up.

Val looks at Barry and his mouth drops open. “Barry…” he says, accent thick on his name. 

Merle rummages in the voluminous pockets of his cargo shorts. “I got one more healin’ pot in here somewhere…” he mumbles. He locates it and pulls it out. He uncorks it and pushes it towards Barry’s mouth. Barry shakes his head again. That healing pot isn’t gonna do it for him but the potion combined with the spell Merle cast might make all the difference for Val, a man who doesn’t have a bond engine to bring him back in a few months. Without arguing, Merle nods, which confirms Barry’s assessment of his own condition. Merle holds the potion to the other man’s mouth, helping him drink it.

“Merle,” Barry says, focusing on ignoring the pain and forming the words clearly. “Tell Lup…” He closes his eyes, trying to figure out how to phrase what he wants to -  _ needs to _ \- say. This is only going to reinforce her decision, he realizes. He swallows. He has to try anyway.

“Tell Lup... not to give up... on our experiment. Not yet.”

Merle squints but nods. “I’ll tell her,” he promises. The dwarf looks over his shoulder at the hall behind him and even with that thick beard of his, Barry can see how his jaw tenses. Merle looks to Val, “Come on, son, we gotta get outta here before this whole thing comes down.”

The cleric helps Val up, the human leaning heavily on the dwarf as they make their way back over the rubble of the exploded hall. He glances back at Barry and frowns then nods once at him, mumbling something Barry can’t make out. 

Barry nods back at him and watches them round the corner. He closes his eyes and prays to Merle’s Pan or whoever else might be listening.  _ Please let his message get through to her, let her be willing to talk to him after this. Let them get through this.  _

He’ll see her again soon. 


	34. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are choices to be made. Barry is determined about his.

Barry closes his eyes and pulls in a shallow breath. The smoke is thicker now, even where he is down near the floor. His eyes water as he struggles not to cough. For a moment all he sees is Lup looking so concerned after those terrible berries in the ice cream.

He’ll see her again. It will be just a moment. When the burns or the smoke or just the fucking pain get the best of him - one of them winning the _Who Will Kill Barry Bluejeans This Time?_ game - it will be like closing his eyes and then opening them on the deck of the Starblaster an instant later.

For her it will be over five months.

Five months for her to picture this as permanent. Five months for her to make up her mind she can’t go any further knowing eventually she has to let him go forever. Five months that he can picture right now leading to a stilted regen reunion and later an awkward discussion and both of them sad and heartbroken and with no idea how to fix it.

There’s no one around to see but he’s shaking his head. No. No, that won’t do. That won’t do at all. He is Barry Fucking Bluejeans and he’s getting back to Lup one way or another. Fuck anything that stops him. He’s not going to just sit here and let death take him. Death can chase his ass down and he will fight it tooth and nail and…

 _Magic._ He thought he’d blown through every scrap he had but now? Now he believes there’s something left in the tanks.

Okay. Healing would be amazing but that’s just not in his wheelhouse. What is? He needs _out._ Taako used Blink to get clear of that grenade. He could Blink to… outside? Can he reach outside? Will anyone see him and… Okay, he’s never actually used Blink but he gets the basic idea. Transfer yourself to the Ethereal Plane and then in about a minute, you come back. Somewhere close but … not on fire, hopefully.

He’s aware enough to realize that his thinking is increasingly muddled from the _everything_ that’s gone to shit in the last ten minutes. _Lup,_ he thinks, picturing her face. He thinks of her that afternoon in the elevator when he told her he loved her and tried to tell her she didn’t have to say anything back. He pictures that combination, so very Lup, of delight and impatience as she gave him a crooked smile and told him she loved him too. She said it like it was simply the most obvious thing in the world.

That’s what he has to get back to. With her face clear in his head he can distance himself from the tedious process of his body trying to give up the ghost and think about saving himself. The smoke in front of him reminds him of another option: Gaseous Form. He’s never used that spell either but he’s read about it and understands the theory. With it he can turn himself to smoke and drift out, find someplace safe to…

Over the sound of the fire - a nearly deafening crackling sound he’s been trying to concentrate past - he hears a new sound. A rumbling sound.

The building is collapsing.

Out of time, timbers coming down around him, Barry scrapes together his magic, yanking every tiny thread of it. The last thought going through his head is that he needs more time, time enough to get out of this crumbling building, time enough to get back to Lup.

Every shred of collected magic he dumps into a spell. The building gives up its struggle against gravity and crashes down. Barry is gone.

 

—-

 

The next time he pulls in a breath he’s on grass. He struggles to sit up but there’s just nothing left. Every single resource within him has run dry. Instead he can only try to turn his head and call for help. There’s barely enough left to hope he is heard.

There’s a voice. Somebody’s coming. He blacks out.

 

—-

 

There are brief patches of awareness. Unfamiliar magic. Voices speaking elvish too quickly for his muddled brain to follow. Rooms he does not recognize. Fleeting moments of lucidity that do not string together into a whole.

And then he wakes up in earnest. He’s hungry. Thirsty. He is aware of his skin in a way he remembers. The grenade. Merle’s magic had healed but not reversed.

He opens his eyes and a headache begins pounding in his skull like a monster that wants to be let out. Instantly he scrunches his eyes closed again.

“Oh good, you’re awake. It’s about time.”

Barry cracks one eye open. The light is like an ice pick in the depths of his brain. All he makes out is a form beside him before he squeezes his eyes shut again.

“The light,” he croaks out. His usually gravel rough voice sounds like it’s been drug through the desert for a week.

“Ah, yeah,” the voice responds. Through his closed eyes he can tell the light is dimmed. “That should be better.”

Barry eases his eyes open slowly. The headache is still beating in his skull but there’s no stabbing ice pick this time.

The elf - he can see this is an elf now, a man older than Lup and Taako, though that’s not an especially narrow category of elf. He’s darker skinned than the twins, with wide eyes that in the low light seem almost black.

The slide show of time passing flickers through his scattered thoughts. “How long?” he asks. Then he realizes he’s spoken in common and repeats the question in hesitant elvish.

“I speak your language,” the elf tells him in common with a chuckle. “As well as… you elvish,” he says, tilting his head side to side in a motion that, paired with his expression, Barry takes to mean ‘roughly speaking’ or something along those lines.

“Elvish fine,” Barry tells him, again in elvish. “I try... learn.”

The man nods and when he speaks again it’s in elvish but slower than before, giving Barry a chance to keep up. “You’ve been here about a week.”

Immediately Barry struggles to sit up. “I… Go. Get back. Important.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, friend.” The elf gently pushes him back into the bed. “You’ve taken heavy healing and…” his words slowed, phrasing things carefully for Barry to follow. “It is like when you go hard and fast and hit a wall, yes?” He mimes ricocheting off an obstruction, arms and head flinging backwards suddenly. “You drained magic dry and have…” he pauses again. “Lashwhip?” he offers in common.

“Whiplash,” Barry murmurs. He nods and immediately regrets the movement. The pain in his head seems to reverberate downwards, waves of it turning into nausea as it continues through his body. He groans.

“There is no magical cure for this kind of… ‘whiplash’ did you say? The extensive healing you had for your burns have made it worse. We had to use a lot of spells for your burns at a time when your body did not exactly ... want magic… um… or know how to deal with it. All that magic has built up with none of your own to… settle it better.” The elf’s tone is apologetic. “Medicine and tea will help but not very much.”

“All fine,” Barry insists. “But I need go.”

The elf sighs. “Rush, rush. No one wants to take time to heal. Ten minutes ago you couldn’t open your eyes, now you think you can leave?”

Barry sits up. The room spins but he just grips the edge of the bed and continues methodically scooting to the side to get up. “Yes. Have to.”

The elf makes a frustrated noise of acceptance. “Let me get medicine and then I’ll help you.”

Sagging with gratitude, Barry offers a heartfelt, “Thank you.”

He feels every minute of the time it takes to swallow medicine, drink the bitter herbal tea, and get dressed. His clothes are gone, ruined in the fire, his stone of far speech and anything else he’d been carrying lost. When he finally walks - slowly - out of the room over an hour later, it’s in borrowed clothing that sits stiff and irritating on his magically healed skin. He’s without glasses, in too-large moccasin like shoes, and barely able to stand on his own. But he’s determined.

“Is there…” He struggles to remember the word for calendar. “Map of days? And, um, regular map?”

 _Stop,_ he tells himself. _Think for a minute._

“Sorry,” he tells the elf. “Am rude. What is name of you?”

“Selba,” the man says, offering a smile. “And you are?”

“Barry. And… thank you. I… uh… You do much and I ask more. Is terrible of me. I pay but…” he gestures at his borrowed clothes. “Must get to...um… family? Before pay.”

Selba nods. “I understand. I’m sure they’re worried about you. We aren't concerned about payment. You were…”

He says more but Barry’s doesn’t understand it. Shaking his head he apologizes. “Did not know saying on end.”

Carefully choosing each word, Selba tries again. “You were hurt. We help. Is how it goes.” The elf’s expression changes. “But I did want to ask. How were you burned?”

Barry’s eyebrows pull together. “In… big fire? Buildings burned?” How does this man not know about the fire? At least five buildings probably fell if his guess is right. Didn’t they have other patients?

“Fire, yes, obviously,” he responds, waggling his head again at the obviousness of the statement, Barry realizes. “But I don’t…” His expression turns to shock. “The big fire? That was _weeks_ ago!”

It’s Barry’s turn to be shocked. “Weeks!?”

Selba looks as confused as Barry feels.

“How can it have been weeks? I Blinked or… what did I cast? Then the field. Then a week in the… hospital I guess? Where did the rest of the time go? How can I even find the ship now? They’ll have gotten the twins and even have picked up the others. I don’t know where they’ll be and my stone… I have no way to contact them…” He’s rambling to himself in common, trying to make sense of it.

“I think we need my husband,” Selba tells him.

 

—-

 

Selba’s husband is human. Guessing, Barry would put him at around 70 years old. He has a thin braid of white hair over one shoulder and his wrinkled face breaks into a wide smile at the sight of his husband crossing the park to see him. He’s playing some board game Barry would call chess except it has far more pieces and a wider board. The man nods to his opponent and stands, coming to meet them.

“Sel, you escape work while the sun is out!”

Barry glances at Selba and sees a matching grin to his husband’s on the elf’s face.

“Ghee, this is Barry. My burn patient? I think we could use your language skills.” Selba turns to Barry. “This is Gheesan, foremost language expert of Krahnget University, and - I’m lucky to say - my husband.”

Gheesan turns to Barry as his arm goes around Selba, the two of them facing him side by side.

“Do you speak common?” Barry asks in common. He is leaning heavily on a cane. Walking is okay but any time he stops he needs the extra help to stay steady on his feet.

“Common? I’ve never heard it called that but certainly I speak Chelang which is at least close?”

“Since I’d say you were speaking common, yes, I’d say they are close,” Barry answers, relieved.

“Let’s go home and talk,” Selba says, tightening his arm around his husband. “I bet you haven’t eaten.”

“And I’d make the same bet in reverse,” Gheesan teases. “What about you, Barry?”

Barry feels that demanding pull: he must get back to the ship, to Lup. But other than the tea he apparently hasn’t technically eaten in weeks. And he needs their help to at least understand the situation if not actually physically reach the ship. Swallowing his impatience he nods. “It seems I haven’t eaten either.”

“I will cook while you two talk,” Selba tells him. “Then you both can explain to me, I hope.”

 

—-

 

Barry and Gheesan sit on a patio overlooking a shimmering blue river while they talk. Behind them, in their beautiful white home with wide, open windows, Selba is cooking. The smells drift out to Barry, maddeningly enticing.

He and Gheesan go over everything he remembers: the fire, casting something, though he can’t remember which spell he’d even chosen as the building crashed down around him, and his need to get back to the ship.

His headache is returning, a thrumming pulse of pain that pitches up in intensity the longer he talks.

When Selba brings a platter out to the table, Barry is rubbing his head, trying to piece together an answer to a question Gheesan has asked.

“You need more medicine!” he announces, and rushes back inside. The next time he returns it’s with a tall glass of amber liquid and a bottle of pills. He offers them to Barry. “These and a week of real sleep should help,” he tells him. “But it will be a few days before the magic stabilizes.”

Barry nods and swallows the pills, washing them down with what he thinks is a sweeter, cold version of the tea he’d had earlier.

“Thank you,” he offers both of them, using elvish after speaking in common all this time with Gheesan. “I… everything is overwhelm.” He spreads his hands indicating both the language and the situation being more than he can grasp at the moment.”

Gheesan smiles. “You can use Chelang, Selba follows well enough that he was my best student.”

Selba’s cheeks color at the compliment. “An excellent teacher and a terrible crush will do a wonder,” he says, bending to kiss his husband’s head before he sits. “Eat, eat, and catch me up with what you have figured.”

“I like hearing the elvish. I’m trying to learn,” Barry tells them. “But yes, you are both clearly better at this language than I am at that.”

Selba offers him a plate of what looks to be rice and thick chunks of white meat in a golden sauce. Pearls of onions and slices of some kind of green vegetable he doesn’t recognize are browned and piled on the side. It smells amazing and he’s glad to find it tastes as good.

“We think Barry’s spell went a bit… haywire,” Gheesan begins explaining. “He was in one of the buildings and he seems to have pulled every scrap of magic and determination together in some kind of rogue spell to get out.” He turns to Barry. “I do not have magic so it is all theory to me,” he apologizes.

“What spell?” Selba asks between bites.

“I’m not sure. I was going to use Blink but then I remembered Gaseous Form. Then the building was coming down and I just wanted _out_ and to do it with enough time to get back to Lup.” He blushes. He’s never said something so transparent to anyone other than her. Maybe Taako that time on the beach cycle but even then… These two _see_ him, see his meaning clearly.

Gheesan reaches for his husband’s hand as he asks, “Is ‘Lup’ who you are learning elvish for as well?”

Barry nods. “She’s… yeah.”

The two smile at him then back at each other. The look between them is so full of love and understanding that Barry can’t stop the question. “How does it work with … knowing the difference in life spans? Lup is… she’s struggling with that one. That’s why I have to get back.”

Selba looks surprised. “Really?” He does that head waggle again. “It’s… when one with shorter life choose to spend it with an elf? It’s…” Again, the tilting jiggle of his head, unable to find words.

Gheesan offers an explanation. “It’s considered a compliment to most elves. Time is a more precious gift to us and we give them all that we have, you see.”

“But after…” Barry begins then blanches. “Sorry,” he apologizes quickly. “It’s… She and I… we were together then she wasn’t sure she could…”

Selba nods and his fingers tighten with Gheesan’s. He stares into his husband’s eyes. “I am greedy. I will take all the time Ghee will give me. It could never be enough.”

He coughs and turns back to Barry. “We will get you back to your ship and your… to Lup.”

 

—-

 

It takes three days. The pair use resources and contacts Barry could never have hoped for on his own to find where the ship has gone. He’s slept because there’s been no other option. Barry’s body is recovering slowly. Selba has explained a lot about ‘magical whiplash’ that he wishes he could study more. Maybe before they leave this cycle he can find resources to take with them.

But as fascinating - and personally relevant - as the subject is, it’s Lup that fills his thoughts. Three more days of her thinking he’s gone, three more days of her imagining this is the time that it will stick. He hates it. A single extra minute of her unhappy is too much. But there’s nothing he can do to make the process faster.

It’s very late when they arrive at the Starblaster. The ship is parked in a field by a lake, the lights low. Someone must be on watch but he couldn’t tell from here even with his glasses. All he sees is a silvery shape in the moonlight and that same light of ship and moon reflected in water. He thanks his new friends and promises to find them again in a week or two, repay their kindness and hard work helping him. But his thoughts, his _heart_ are already on the ship, on finding Lup without another wasted moment.

He’s used a few cantrips, reacclimating himself to magic. But he’s still too shaky to do anything but walk across the field, still using the cane, and approach the ship.

 _Home_ is what he thinks but the image in his head isn’t the silver ship that is an imposing blur ahead of him. All he pictures is Lup. Beautiful, brilliant, strong, amazing Lup. His heart is thrumming in his chest harder than the pain in his head did when he first woke up in Selba’s clinic.

“Barry?” It’s Lucretia’s voice calling softly down the gangplank to him. “Is that really you?”

He nods. “Yeah, ‘Creesh, it’s me.” He smiles up at the silhouette he assumes is her.

“How are you… how?”

Barry pauses halfway up the ramp and leans on the cane. “It’s a really long story…” he says, shoulders slumping. He’s focused so hard on getting back to talk to Lup he’s forgotten there’s a whole minefield of obstacles to deal with before that can happen. “Can I just tell everyone in the morning? I’m… honestly, I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep and… yeah.”

“Oh, uh… yeah.” She clearly wants the details but doesn’t want to argue. After a moment, she moves aside and he makes his way up the ramp.

She stops him with a hand on his arm. “I’m glad you’re back, truly.” 

“Thanks. Can you… I’ll tell the whole story tomorrow but I just…”

“Sure, we’ll see you in the morning.”

He turns and she stops him once more. “Welcome back, Barry.” Then she gives him a quick nod and returns to the bridge.

“Thanks again.”

Barry makes his way as quickly as he can through the ship. At the hall, he pauses. Right is Lup’s room and beyond that, Taakos. Left is the lab and then his room. He wants to go straight to Lup’s room but actually _seeing_ her will also be important, he decides. He heads to his room first to find spare glasses.

He hobbles quickly past the lab then opens the door to his room. Without even pausing turning on the light he goes to his desk and starts rummaging through the top drawer, trying to find spare glasses by feel. He’s just located a pair when...

“Barry?”

He whips around, fumbling the glasses onto his face. After the darkened hallway and now his room, the low level night lights of the ship are just enough for him to see Lup sitting up in his bed. She’s rubbing her eyes, looking more pale and vulnerable than he’s ever seen her. He reaches back with the hand holding the cane to turn on the lights.

They blink at each other as their eyes adjust to the light. Then every other concern is forgotten, an enormous smile spreading on his face because finally, she’s right here in front of him. “Lup?”

“How are you…” her voice is barely a whisper. “Barry… are you really here?” she asks, climbing out of the bed. She crosses the space in a flash, then pauses in front of him with her hand inches away from him, hesitant.

“Yeah, Lup, I’m here.” He drops the cane and wraps her in his arms, burying his face in her hair.

Lup sags against him and he hears her sobbing. Squeezing her to him, he murmurs again and again, “I’m so sorry, Lup, I got back as fast as I could, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Time passes and the two of them just cling to one another.

Lup pulls back and reaches a hand up to his face. “You really are here?” she asks again, still sounding slightly uncertain.

“I promise I am,” he says, nuzzling his face into her hand. Her fingers are gentle on his skin but he suddenly remembers… “Oh, god, I’m … I probably look awful. They healed the burns but…”

She stops his rambling with a kiss then looks at him again, finally, _finally,_ smiling at him. “You’re _here.”_

He just nods. “I hate to break this mood, Lup, but I gotta sit down.”

“Oh!” She wraps his arm around her and helps him to the bed. As he sits, she looks back at the cane then at him again. “Okay, how are you here? What the hell are you wearing? And, I’m not complaining, but HOW ARE YOU HERE?”

“I want to tell you all of that, I do. But first: Lucretia knows I’m back so… there’s no telling when someone will show up at my door. I told her I’d explain everything in the morning but that I just wanted to rest first. I was gonna get my glasses and then come talk to you.” His serious tone dissolves as he smiles at her. “But you were in here.”

“I missed you,” she says simply.

Barry reaches for her hand and pulls her to sit on the bed beside him.

“Merle said…” she stops. “That was five and a half weeks ago! Where… how…?”

“Someone could come to the door at any minute…”

“If you don’t start talking I’m going to scream and then they definitely will.” She’s turned to face him but scooted close enough that there are points of contact everywhere between them. Their legs touch, her hands hold his, her thumbs stroke over the bumps of his knuckles.

“Did Merle and Val both make it out, then?” he asks.

 _“Yes._ Now talk, Bluejeans!”

“I…” This first part is hard. “I had to choose it, Lup. I… It wasn’t about making the sacrifice, though. It… That guy didn’t get a free regen so he…”

“I know, Merle told me.” There’s no anger in her statement.

“Okay.” He’s relieved at that. She’s not mad about his choice and she’s sitting here willingly touching him. It’s a very good start.

“They got out and I just thought… I’m not gonna make it easy on death. Not when there’s any chance I can come back to you.”

“Barry…”

“Lup, I know. It sucks and there won’t always be a way but I can try.”

“Babe, I just… I read that book and then…” She swallows and focuses on their hands linked between them. “You were here and I missed you. Then you were gone and I missed you more. How am I supposed to miss you when you can’t come back?”

“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “But every single scrap of time I can claim? I want to give it to you. I choose you, Lup, again and again and... I _always_ choose you.”

Carefully, gently, Lup climbs into his lap. “You gone? It was…” she shakes her head and he pulls his arms tightly around her, trying to comfort both of them. “I guess it’s too late to avoid the hurt of it. I can’t… I can’t pretend anymore. I love you too much.”

“I…” He’s not sure how to tell her the thing he’s thought about for three days now. He starts with what he and Gheesan worked out. “I cast something - I’m not even sure what - but it went a bit off the rails. I shouldn’t have had enough magic but… Lup, I had to get back to you. I thought about you alone for months deciding that I wasn’t worth it, that we weren’t worth the pain and…”

“Hey.” Lup puts her hands on his cheeks and aims his face up at hers. She stares into his eyes before she speaks again. “You’re worth everything, okay? I don’t… Please don’t doubt that. It was _never_ about you not being worth it.”

Barry swallows and nods seriously. “I think… okay this might sound silly? But… I think it was my love for you that helped me manage that spell. I…” he doesn’t want to explain how bad that hallway was in those last moments. “I did the thing you’re not supposed to do, I threw out magic with no idea what I was casting, just that I had to get back to you, I had to find a way for there to be enough time left that I could come back to you.”

He clutches his hands against her hips, reassuring himself that she’s real, he’s here, they’re together. “The next thing I knew it was a week and a half ago and I was in a field. Then just flashes of things until three days ago when I finally knew what was going on again.”

The summary of those days isn’t fast, but with her here, touching him and listening to every word, the terrible feeling that time was running out has faded. Things are still shaky but she’s not going anywhere.

Reluctantly he lets her slide out of his lap when they’ve discussed enough of the story to satisfy her.

“I guess you need to go back to your room,” he says.

“No way, Bluejeans.” She crosses to the far wall, by the door, and turns off the light. Then she comes back. “I’m staying, at least until you fall asleep. Maybe I’ll trance in here then…” she shrugs and reaches for his glasses, drops them onto the nightstand. “We’ll figure it out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... I'm gonna be really honest. This is not the chapter I had planned last week. I had a whole thing lined up and planned out and crumbs leading to a whole bunch of words that aren't these. But then? That imagined chapter? I kept trying and trying and ... folks, it sucked. It was awkward and forced and I hated pretty much everything about it.  
> Frustrated, I was doing something else when it suddenly hit me. What if Barry didn't die? Well, for one, it was a lot more work... but holy shit, I liked that so much better. I hope you did too! PLEASE tell me what you thought of this one, okay? This whole chapter I was far, FAR more aware of reader reaction than ever. Thanks so much for coming back every week to read this or making it to this point if you just binged it or... whatever brought you here, thank you. I really do appreciate it and I hope you'll say hi and maybe what you thought of this chapter in the comments. <3!


	35. A 440

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much is still undecided and incomplete but there's nothing to do but press forward and hope for the best.

Barry startles awake at a loud, banging noise and a voice yelling. He swims up out of sleep slowly, muddy headed and lost. It takes time to catch up to where he is, what is going on. He is in his bed on the Starblaster. He’d fallen asleep next to Lup at some point, exhausted by everything that had… 

_ Lup! _

He turns and looks, reaching his hand over to the other side of the bed. She isn’t there. The blankets are thrown back like she’d left in a hurry instead of spread smoothly the way she usually leaves them when she disappears while he sleeps.

“Barry! Are you really in there or did Lucretia hallucinate you coming back?” Magnus’s yell is punctuated by more banging on the door. “You have to tell me or it’s entrapment!”

Quieter, Barry hears Davenport’s tired voice as he tries to explain, “Magnus, that’s not…”

There’s more banging that drowns out the captain. Barry struggles up, body still slow to respond to his commands after everything it’s been through. When there’s another break in the banging at his door, he calls out, “Yeah, Mags, I’m here. Give me a minute.”

He’s still in the borrowed clothes he wore yesterday but there’s no time to deal with that right now. Crossing the handful of steps to the doorway, he leans on the desk to bend and pick up the cane where he’d dropped it last night. He’d dropped it because he’d wanted both arms around her. Gods, he still does. He wants her here by his side, her arm around him and his arm around her, standing hip to hip. He wants to greet Magnus with her and explain what happened to him while feeling her warmth and strength next to him and, honestly, he just wants to take on everything right beside her, together. Where is she? Maybe she’d heard Magnus coming and somehow slipped out before he got here. 

Opening the door, he leans hard on the cane. He’s not as weak and unstable this morning as the last few days but he’s still very subpar. 

Magnus and Davenport stand for a moment, taking him in. Then the fighter lunges forward and wraps his arms around Barry. “Holy shit, buddy, I can’t believe you’re back!” His hug is crushing but wonderful. After spending most of his life becoming accustomed to less and less physical contact, Barry has grown used to the hugs and reassuring affection of the Starblaster crew. He’s not sure he could go back to being so touch deprived and alone ever again. Luckily, with this family he shouldn’t have to.

“Thanks, Maggie,” he says as Magnus lets him go. He nods to Davenport. “Hey, Cap’n’port.”

Dav nods back then grasps his hand on Barry’s arm. “Welcome back, Barry. Taako’s making a huge spread. You wanna come eat and tell us how you’re back?”

“Sure thing, Cap. Just, uh,” He gestures down at himself with his free hand. “Lemme get changed? I, uh, kinda crashed last night right in the clothes they gave me and, uh,” he chuckles, “I’d feel a bit more myself in some jeans.”

Magnus eyes the cane and tilts his chin at it. “You alright with that? Need any help?”

“Nah, I got it. Just a bit slow and, uh, unsteady still.”

Magnus nods at him and claps his hand on Barry’s shoulder fondly, squeezing his fingers tightly as if convincing himself Barry is safe and returned. “Just yell if you need anything, okay?”

“Thanks, Magnus,” Barry answers, feeling a bit emotional about the concern being aimed at him. 

They leave and Barry begins gathering clothes to change into. He’s just started to pull off the hip length caftan style shirt when his closet door opens, startling him into losing his balance. He crashes sideways against the desk, laughing as Lup emerges.

She rushes over to help him, stage whispering, “Sorry, babe! I fell asleep in here with you last night and then didn’t have time to hide better. It was the closet or hide under the blankets.”

He accepts her help, moving to sit on the bed. She helps him pull the shirt off then tosses it aside to bend forward and kiss his temple. “Gotta go turn up somewhere and act surprised at the news, I guess.”

Catching her hand, he pulls it to his face, rubbing his check against her fingers then brushing a kiss against her knuckles. He reluctantly lets her slip away. “See you in a bit.”

She bends and kisses him properly, leaning a hand on his shoulder. When she stands, she smiles at him. “Hey,” she says, slowly moving backwards to the door, “I’m also glad you’re back.”

“Thanks. Me too.”

 

—-

 

By the time he makes it up to where the rest of them are gathered around their big table, there’s an enormous spread awaiting. Taako - and Lup, apparently, once she turned up with whatever cover story she’d used - have made at least a dozen different types of breakfast foods. There are pancakes and scrambled eggs and a thick omelette stuffed with different meats and veggies. There’s muffins and bacon and thick chunks of pan fried ham. There’s cinnamon rolls and sausage and Barry stops noticing what’s available as Lup sits a giant cup of coffee in front of him, both of them an extremely welcome sight.

“Welcome home, Barold,” she says, putting her hand on his shoulder. “No more dying, okay? Even if it’s just a misunderstanding.”

He laughs and accepts the coffee. It’s hard not to pull her back for a kiss. He lets her return to the kitchen with her brother, both of them bringing out more platters of food.

“So what exactly happened?” Lucretia asks the moment everyone is settled.

“It was my healing,” Merle says around a mouthful of food. “Prayer of Healing, up to six…”

“You said you only healed that other man,” Davenport objects.

Merle shrugs and swallows, “Yeah, but I realized later I should have cast a mass heal instead. Maybe Pan…”

“Why don’t we let Barry explain?” Lucretia says, sounding more patient than she looks.

He can’t give them the theory he’d come up with, the only reasoning that explains it in his mind, the idea he’d told Lup last night about his emotions powering him somehow - his love and worry for her boosting his magic. So he goes with the second most plausible explanation in his mind. 

“I guess I fucked up a spell,” he says with a laugh. He tells them that version of events: trapped and out of time, he frames it as if the situation had been funny instead of terrifying, he’d thought of two spells and then cast without a clear idea in his head. And it’s true enough. He’s still not sure what spell he’d cast.

Taako scoffs as he spears a bite of pancake. Waving the forkful of food around imperiously he proclaims, “We’re gonna have to go back to giving you magic lessons, aren’t we, Barold?” Syrup drips from the food as he gestures, landing on the tightly fitted cuff of his sleeve. He stuffs the bite in his mouth and gestures at the spot with his free hand, aiming an unconcerned cantrip to clean it. When the bite of food and stain are both gone he returns his attention to Barry. “That’s the problem with nerds like you, you do the book study and forget to do the hands on. You can’t always just read about stuff, science boy, you have to actually use it.”

Color fills Barry’s cheeks but he nods. It’s true. Why  _ hadn’t _ he ever tried those spells? He’d read about them and never put them to use. He always gets caught up in theory instead of practice.

Lup reaches around him and he feels her hand warm on his back as she stretches for the coffee pot. She holds it up and raises an eyebrow at him, filling his cup when he nods. He’s grateful for the reminder that’s she’s here beside him, a silent support.

The group continues to talk, the flow of the discussion fitting around the seven of them as they wipe out most of the food spread before them.

“But what about the missing weeks?” Lucretia asks, making a note in her ever present journal. “You said you were basically out of magic and still managed to cast a spell? How did you…” she narrows her eyes in concentration. “Did you misjudge your spell usage earlier? And then somehow your magic sustained you for weeks? Weeks that you don’t even remember?” She shakes her head. “Magic doesn’t work like that.”

“Maybe it doesn’t at home,” Davenport counters. “We’ve assumed magic works the same here as what we’re used to but no one told  _ magic _ that.”

“I suppose that’s true,” she agrees. 

“I told Selba and Gheesan I’d come back to see them. Partially because I owe them enormously for all their help and I barely had clothes on my back. But I’d also like to talk to them more - Selba in particular - about this magical ‘whiplash’ stuff because that’s not something we’ve seen. Which…” he trails off as he thinks about it, “his recognizing it would indicate magic must work differently here.”

Lup puts her coffee cup down and leans back. “Why don’t I come with you, Barry? We can work on learning more about this since we still haven’t found the light.” 

She turns to her brother. “Taako? You want in on this? Oh, shit, we’re supposed to meet that guy with the packaging facility about the…”

“Yeah, yeah. You go do your science shit and let Taako handle this. Besides, he’s been giving me the eye. I’ll probably accomplish more without you. I’ll certainly snag a better deal.”

The anxious spike of worry in Barry calms. Selba and Gheesan know about Lup and having Taako there would be awkward if he didn’t have a chance to forewarn them that the rest of the group doesn’t know about he and Lup. Instead, though, he’ll get to introduce them. Maybe it will help with her worry, seeing another elf and human couple. Or, he realizes, she’ll see Selba facing the impending loss of Gheesan and pull back again, maybe completely this time.

He has to have faith in them, though. He loves her too much to do anything else.

The discussion turns to their leads on the light. Nothing has panned out yet. A new anxiety blooms in Barry. They have to find the light. He owes Selba and Gheesan so much, he has to give them all the time the two can claim. 

 

—-

 

“Why do I feel like I’m going to meet the parents?” Lup asks. “I’ve never even done that!”

Barry squeezes her fingers and smiles. They are walking together, hands caught between them. Barry is still using the cane but he’s planning to leave it with Selba and Gheesan after their visit. 

“They’re going to love you,” he promises her. “Everyone does. Especially me.”

“Of course they will,” she says with a bravado belied only by the returning squeeze on his fingers. 

“Though if they didn’t, I can’t imagine how the opinion of people I knew for three days would outweigh decades of being in love with you,” he points out. “I’m excited for you to meet them, though. They were wonderful, especially when I told them about you.”

Barry had warned her as soon as they’d made this plan to come that he’d accidentally told them about their relationship. Then he’d told her that they were an elf and human couple. And then he’d told her Gheesan’s age. 

He can still see the way she looked at the thought of Selba losing Gheesan. It was clear she could picture it all too easily for them.

“Hey,” he tells her now, “we’ve got time, okay? ‘All the time in the world,’ remember?”

She nods. “Let’s stop and get them a bottle of wine or something, okay?”

“That sounds perfect,” he agrees.

 

—-

 

“Barry!” Gheesan greets them warmly, immediately turning his attention to Lup. “Is this Lup?” He asks, eyebrows raising. “Oh, dearheart, you are just  _ lovely!” _

Beside him, Lup grins, pleased. 

“Yup, Gheesan, this is Lup. Lup, meet Gheesan.”

She lets go of Barry’s fingers and reaches to shake Gheesan’s hand. “I’m so glad to meet you! Thank you so much for getting him back to us. I can’t ever repay you for that.”

Gheesan takes her hand and pulls her into a hug. “I am positively delighted to meet you, my dear!” He releases her and steps back to look at them both. “Please! Come in, come in! Selba will be back shortly.” He steps back from the doorway to give them room. “Oh!” He says, switching to elvish, “should we use elvish instead of the Chelang?”

“Chelang is what we call common,” Barry explains. “You already know it’s not widely spoken here.”

“Oh, no, I’m fine with this,” Lup answers in common. “Barold here needs a lot more practice with elvish but I can help him with that.” She turns, offering him a teasing grin, “At least now that I know he’s trying to learn it.”

“Barold? Is that…” He looks at Barry, confused. “Did we get your name wrong? I thought it was...”

“No, no, just a joke. Lup and her brother make up new names for me recreationally.”

“Everyone needs a hobby,” Lup laughs. She nudges Barry with her shoulder and catches his hand, squeezing his fingers in quick pulses. He’s never seen her like this. Is the unflappable Lup actually nervous?

Gheesan escorts them out to the patio then excuses himself to get glasses for the wine they’ve brought. Barry tugs Lup towards the railing, and they stand together looking out at the river. 

“Hey,” he says, pulling her close. “You alright?”

She leans into him. “So... I’ve never really done this.”

Barry waits, giving her space for her thoughts. 

“The couple thing? Not in front of other people I’d really see again, anyway.”

He rubs his hand on her back, making slow circles. That must be part of why she’s so reluctant to tell the crew.

“Lup? You and me, okay?”

She nods and rewards him with a smile. “Yeah.” Sighing, she buries her face against his shoulder for a moment. Then she straightens and it’s the Lup he’s used to seeing, confident and ready to fight or charm anyone, that faces him. “You’re right. You and me, Bluejeans.”

Gheesan returns with Selba, carrying a tray with glasses, an ice bucket, and snacks. 

“Barry!” Selba says enthusiastically. He sits the tray down and approaches them. 

Barry introduces Lup and Selba, like Gheesan, pulls her into a hug. 

“We are so glad to meet you!” Selba tells Lup. 

The four of them settle around the table. “I want to thank you for taking care of him and getting him back to us,” Lup says, accepting a glass of wine. “We had no idea there was even a chance he could survive that fire, the building collapse.... We never guessed to look for him.”

“Oh, we would have happily kept him but he was quite anxious to get back,” Gheesan teases. “And now we see why.”

Barry wants to take her hand but he’s trying to let her decide how obvious they are. Gheesan and Selba may know about the two of them but he wants her to feel comfortable.

“It’s my cooking,” Lup tells them. “I’ve got decades of learning how to feed the guy. Where’s he gonna find that again?”

“I did manage to survive for fifty years before I met you,” Barry answers with a smile. “And even Taako took notes on my macarons.” He turns back to Selba and Gheesan. “I’m honestly not as bad as she’d make you think.”

Selba is laughing but Gheesan looks confused. “How old are you, Barry?”

Lup realizes why Gheesan is asking right before Barry picks up on what he’s said. She reaches over and takes Barry’s hand, sliding her chair slightly closer. “Well, boys, it’s like this. We’re aliens.”

With the reassurance of her hand with his, Barry adds, “And we’re not exactly time travelers but, uh, we haven’t aged in… well, a while.”

Gheesan raises one bushy white eyebrow and turns to his husband. “Sel, I think we’re gonna need another bottle.”

 

—-

 

Several hours and several bottles later, the pair of interplanar travelers have shared a simplified version of their history.

Gheesan and Selba are slung back in their chairs, looking physically overwhelmed by everything they’ve heard. 

Barry is trying not to take it personally every time he’s seen the subtle glances Selba has directed at the two of them, the quick looks that mean he’s reevaluating his opinion of them and not necessarily for the better.

It’s Gheesan who speaks first, surprising him.

“So you two have been traveling together for  _ how _ long again and you’re just now learning her language?!”

Barry laughs and nods. “I know, I’m terrible.”

Lup jumps in, “In his defense, it’s only Taako and I that speak it and only between us. It’s just not really come up.”

“Well, if the same languages keep coming up in your travels then you should learn all of them,” Gheesan reasons. Then he shrugs and smiles. “But I’m a scholar of languages, so of course that is my opinion.”

“You’re not wrong, though,” Barry answers. “I intend to.”

“I wish very much to ask about this animal language you learned but I can see my husband is anxious to speak on another topic.”

Selba nods, eyebrows pulled intently down. “This ‘light’ you are chasing and this thing that is also after it. What happens if you do not find it?”

Barry and Lup share a quick look. She squeezes his hand and lets him explain. They discussed this before coming. He owes them the truth, as much warning as he can offer.

“We can’t know for certain,” he says, “because once we are pulled away we don’t know what happens. But from what we’ve seen? If we don’t find the light then the Hunger eats everything.”

Now it’s the other pair of elf and human who find one another’s hand and offer each other their support. 

“We will do everything we can to help you find it, of course,” Selba tells them.

“We will do everything we can to find it,” Barry answers gravely. 

“And to fix this if we don’t,” Lup adds. “I still believe we can. That we will. We’ll save them all.”


	36. Caesura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time stops.
> 
> We see the harsh incline of a rocky slope with two figures paused on a rare patch of flat space. One of them, a human in his early fifties, stands with his chest heaving, braced against a rock. He has one hand raised, holding out a wand he aims at another cliff face across from him. His expression is of extreme concentration and desperation. Beside him is an elf in her mid two hundreds. She is holding a netted bag in which a large glowing sphere can be seen. Her hand is on the arm of the man beside her, both offering comfort and support as well as receiving it.
> 
> Because surrounding them, frozen in place for this moment, are shadowy beings of a dozen different sizes and shapes.

Time stops.

We see the harsh incline of a rocky slope with two figures paused on a rare patch of flat space. One of them, a human in his early fifties, stands with his chest heaving, braced against a rock. He has one hand raised, holding out a wand he aims at another cliff face across from him. His expression is of extreme concentration and desperation. Beside him is an elf in her mid two hundreds. She is holding a netted bag in which a large glowing sphere can be seen. Her hand is on the arm of the man beside her, both offering comfort and support as well as receiving it.

Because surrounding them, frozen in place for this moment, are shadowy beings of a dozen different sizes and shapes.

On the opposite side of the valley, on that other cliff face, another human and elf are standing together. This pair are both older than the other couple, the human in his eighties and the elf well into his four hundreds. These men have their arms around each other, clutching tightly.

Because they are also surrounded.

All of these looming creatures of darkness are unmoving.

The two couples, however, are not. The man with the wand sags to the ground while the elf beside him tugs at his arm frantically, pulling for all she’s worth. Her determination is extreme so she is successful in getting him standing again, leaning on her as they shuffle forward to the edge of the ledge they are perched on.

On the other side of the divide, the two men clutching each other have realized the creatures around them are not moving. They scramble through the space between the nearest of the shadow monsters and tuck themselves in a crevice of rock. The elf uses his magic to pull a boulder in front of them, effectively sealing them in, safe from the creatures surrounding them.

We pan up.

Above this scene is a gleaming silver ship with a large circle at its rear. The ship descends into the valley to fit neatly between the cliffs, positioning itself in front of the pair in possession of the brilliant globe of light.

The elf half drags the man beside her forward to drop onto the waiting deck. The bag with the light falls beside her and is immediately forgotten as she crouches beside the sprawled human. The ship rises again the moment the two are collected.

Below them, the shapes have begun breaking the spell holding them in place. They move in slow motion as they realize their prize has been stolen.

Even at their vastly reduced speed it is clear; they are _furious._

 

—-

 

Barry is barely aware of the commotion around him. There are voices, loud and frantic, and then familiar machinery sounds thrumming under them. But his vision has gone narrow and dark. Everything he has is focused on holding the spell as long as possible, giving Selba, Gheesan, and Lup enough time to get out, to get safe, to rescue the light. Holding the spell is draining everything out of him. He can’t expend energy on it and continue keeping himself upright so he slides down against the rock to the ground.

But an insistent tugging on his arm convinces him to move. He follows the demanding tug pulling him up again and shuffles forward to the cliff’s edge. Then it’s up or rather _down_ to gravity. He falls a few feet to sprawl gracelessly on a familiar metal surface.

As he hits the deck of the Starblaster, his hold on the spell slips and he sobs in frustration, desperately scrambling to control it for another minute, a few more breaths, a single extra moment for the others to get to safety.

And then he feels Lup’s fingers gently touching his face and her quiet words break through where the shouts around him do not.

“You did it, babe. Holy shit, I don’t even know what you did but _you did it.”_

The ship rises, their captain deftly maneuvering through the columns of shadow reaching to the planet below. Barry’s last grasp on his magic collapses as the ship ascends.

And then, like dozens of times before, they push through the temporarily escapable barrier between the planar systems and are pulled apart into threads of light.

 

—-

 

When the threads are woven together again the seven of them are returned to their places. Taako and Lup are together at the railing.

Barry is standing behind them. As soon as that infinite instant of being pulled apart and then remade ends and they are fully regenerated by the bond engine, Barry’s vision wavers. The image of the twins, of Magnus and Merle and Lucretia, of the deck and the view beyond fades out, receding away from him down a long, dark hallway. The sound of Davenport behind him calling out from the bridge, the voices of the others in front of him all seeming to talk at once, the faint and ever present sound of the machinery on the Starblaster… There is so much noise he can’t begin to process it. Then all of it washes out and he collapses to the deck.

 

—-

 

Barry opens his eyes to find several familiar faces staring back at him. Anxiety floods through him. How much time has disappeared? Then he realizes they are all still dressed in their fresh regen uniforms. He couldn’t have lost days or weeks this time.

Across from him, piled into a chair with her brother, Lup takes a deep, shuddering breath and closes her eyes, head hanging in relief.

He struggles to sit up and is gratified to realize that while he feels weak and lightheaded, there’s no pounding headache this time. “How long?”

Magnus stands and pulls off his uniform jacket - still sporting sleeves - as he answers. “Maybe half an hour? Felt a lot longer but Davenport hasn’t finished his scan of this plane so definitely not an hour yet.”

“Forty seven minutes,” Lup says quietly. She opens her eyes and meets his look with a clarity of emotion that would knock him down if he weren’t already sitting.

“Did…” Barry’s mouth goes dry. He swallows and tries again. “Did they… are Gheesan and Selba okay?”

Lup is silent for a moment before she answers. “I don’t know. You stopped the scouts. Everything froze but us so you gave them a chance, for sure. But then the Starblaster was between us and I was trying to get you…” She shakes her head and lifts her shoulders, dropping them heavily again. “I didn’t see.”

Barry sags back against the couch, worry and grief sitting heavy on him.

 _“What spell was that?”_ Taako asks.

Without looking up, Barry answers, “Time Stop I think.” He sounds disinterested but it’s only that his thoughts are a plane away with two people he will never see again, people he’ll never know if he saved. “I don’t know.”

“Time Stop doesn’t…”

“Taako,” Lup says. Her voice is quiet but her twin drops his argument instantly.

Barry lurches off the sofa. He feels sick but the bathroom feels far away.

Magnus looks back and forth between the twins and Barry then moves forward to offer his help. “You’re looking a little unsteady there. Lemme help ya.”

“Thanks, Mags,” he says, accepting the assistance gratefully. “I, uh, I need to get to the bathroom.”

“You okay?” Magnus asks at the same time Lup’s worried voice says “Barry?”

“I’ll be alright, I think,” he reassures them both. “Just feeling, uh, a bit queasy. I’ll be back in a minute.”

 

—-

 

When he’s finished, Barry is relieved to find Magnus has waited for him. He’s not in as bad a shape as he was when he woke up in Selba’s clinic but it’s definitely a struggle to stay vertical, possibly even more difficult after emptying his stomach the hard way. He’s lightheaded and still nauseous.

“Do you want to go back to the common room or…”

For a moment the thought of his bed, of laying down, sleeping until he’s clear of this drained and unsteady feeling pulls at him with a nearly undeniable force but Barry has to deny it. There’s too much waiting; Lup, the crew, the mystery of what just happened, the mystery of what lies ahead for them this cycle…

Barry wipes his mouth and nods to Magnus. “Yeah, the common room.” Steadying himself between Magnus and his hand bracing on the wall, they begin moving down the hallway. “Um, can we stop in the kitchen for some of that mint tea?”

“Maybe let’s get you sitting and I’ll bring it to you.”

Barry nods slightly. “Thanks, I’d really appreciate it.”

It’s slow going getting Barry to the common room again. When they arrive, the rest of the group has all gathered. Lup moves to stand but he smiles at her to let her know he’s okay and she stills.

“Sorry about that,” he tells them all as he sinks into a chair. “What, uh, what’s this plane got for us, Captain?”

“I’m not really sure yet. That was a pretty weird start we had.” The captain replies. “Are you okay, Barry?”

“I’ve been worse,” he says truthfully.

“You’ve certainly looked _better,”_ Taako tells him.

Barry huffs a laugh. “Thanks, Taako.”

Magnus returns with a mug of cold mint tea that he hands Barry and then finds a seat. The drink soothes the burn in his throat and he sips at it as everyone watches him.

“Sorry,” Barry tells them all again. “I know that was, uh, dramatic, but, I guess we have more new information on that magical whiplash stuff. Regen doesn’t necessarily prevent it.”

“What was that spell?” Lucretia asks. “Time Stop should have affected everyone but you. But we were fine and you and Lup both…”

“Selba and Gheesan were moving too,” Lup adds. “That’s…” She darts her eyes at Barry, a guilty look flashing across her face. “That’s a big part of why you cast whatever that was, wasn’t it?”

He’s not sure how to explain the mix of emotions that translated into a spell to accomplish everything they needed, especially with the still-raw worry about Gheesan and Selba sitting in him. An hour ago they were climbing with the light they’d found just in time, talking over stones to both the crew on the ship and Selba and Gheesan across the valley. And then they’d been surrounded by the Hunger’s scouts.

They all know that part.

“We needed time,” he says. His fingers clutch the cool ceramic mug tightly, reassuring him that this is the moment that is real. They made it back with the light and he did everything he could. Selba and Gheesan are some of the most resourceful people he’s ever met. They’d tracked down the ship for him to rejoin last year. They’d found the information about where the light ended up being. They had to have found a way to use the borrowed time he gave them to get to safety. He has to have faith and believe that.

“Time Stop would have frozen everyone but we needed you guys to arrive, we needed to get the light on board, Selba and Gheesan needed time to get away from the scouts surrounding them. So I…” he shrugs and looks up. “I don’t know, exactly. It’s like when I was in the fire: I knew what I needed to have happen and, uh, just, cast.”

“Well,” Davenport says. “We spent the whole year trying to find the light. Things on that plane seemed so familiar and similar to what we were used to. Maybe magic worked more intuitively there?” He looks around at everyone. “Did anyone else feel their spells work any differently there?”

The others are answering but Barry is caught on the past tense Davenport used. ‘Worked’ is what he’d said. Barry knows Davenport simply means that plane is now in their past but it doesn’t help the fiercely gnawing worry inside him. They got the light. That planar system is still there. _They got the light._

“Did…” he sits the mug down and looks around the room. “Did the plane survive?”

Davenport and Lucretia exchange looks. _They know,_ Barry realizes. Lup and he weren’t in a position to see. Merle had gone into parley a week ago. He doesn’t know where Taako and Magnus were but Davenport and Lucretia had to have had the view on the plane as they left.

“I’m not sure,” Lucretia says. “The Hunger swarmed more than we’ve seen other times we had the light.”

“But that might just be because it was so last minute,” Davenport points out. “I don’t think the plane was devoured.”

“We’re going to save them,” Lup says. Her voice is strong and confident even though he can see how she clutches Taako’s hand so tightly her knuckles are white. “We saved that plane. I believe that. And the ones we weren’t able to save yet? We’ll fix it. We _will.”_

Barry nods. She’s right. They will. Somehow, eventually, they’ll fix it all.

 

—-

 

This time they see the arrival of the light. They have a rough idea of where it’s landed. This won’t be another cycle like last year with a desperate, last minute struggle to find the light.

In the days between their arrival in this plane and the appearance of the light, Barry has tried to document the differences in this ‘whiplash’ and the way it’s still affecting him despite regen compared to his experience with it months ago. He wishes he and Lup could sit across from Selba and Gheesan and discuss it. Selba would have been fascinated by the information.

Bouncing back from everything that happened is hard, especially since he and Lup aren’t able to get much time alone. Once they collect the light, though, then at the very least they’ll have their lab time together.

Like they’ve done so many times now, the crew schedule a meeting with the highest authority they find. Lup, Taako, Magnus, Merle, and Lucretia all attend while Davenport and Barry stay with the ship. There’s no reason to assume anything bad about this world. It’s lightly populated - huge expanses of empty land interspersed with neatly arranged cities. They track the light to a place like this: a collection of cities all relatively close to one another. With any luck the five of them will come back with a solid lead on the light. With a lot of luck they’ll come back with the light.

While they’re gone, Barry wanders the ship feeling untethered. He considers going into town and looking around - it’s a big place with a lot to offer from what’s he’s seen on his few brief visits. But he doesn’t want to leave Davenport stuck on solo duty in case anything happens. Instead, he goes to the lab to clean and organize only to find that it’s already done. He’d already done that last cycle after reading Lup’s book, anxiously waiting for the chance for her to return so they could talk.

And that’s the only thing out of place in the room now: Lup’s book. It’s sitting at her workstation.

He approaches the book uneasily, more than half afraid he’ll find a new note tucked in its pages.

Instead he finds her note from before still hidden inside the book. Only it’s folded in half with her words on the inside. There in his handwriting is the single word: Please.

He’d forgotten he tried to write something to her before the enormity of everything he needed to say made lining up words on a page impossible. What must that “please” have felt like to her in the weeks he was gone? He can’t imagine how awful such a brief note must have seemed when he wasn’t here to elaborate. It had to have been cold solace.

Barry tucks the note in the book once more, puts the book back down at her workspace, and heads to his room.

Even in his room he’s at loose ends. He already felt out of sorts before but seeing that book has spiked up his anxiety again. He’s ready for the group to come back from their meeting. He’s ready for _Lup_ to come back. He’ll feel better as soon as he sees her face.

He’s sorting through his desk, setting aside papers to file away in the lab from the stuff they no longer need and can discard. So many theories and ideas have been disproven in their research with the light. Eventually they have to get there, he knows, but right now it feels like they should be further than they are after the decades of study they’ve had.

It’s a welcome relief when he’s interrupted by a knock on his open door.

“Lup!”

He wants to rush to her and wrap his arms around her. It feels like an age since he’s had that opportunity. He stops himself and forces his hands down, tapping his fingers nervously against the denim of his jeans.

“How did it go? Do they know where the light is?”

“They have it,” she says with a smile. “They’re using it but it looks like if we can prove our worth they’ll let us have it. You know, that old song and dance again.”

He nods. “Well, better than, uh, combing the countryside again I guess. What do they want us to do?”

Lup looks back over her shoulder, checking the hallway behind her. She steps into his room and closes the door. As soon as the door latches she crosses the tiny distance and is in his arms.

“I missed you,” she says.

Barry squeezes her to him and instead of speaking, answers with a desperate, passionate kiss.

When they pull apart she gives a small laugh and says, “I guess you missed me a little bit too.”

“Very much,” he agrees seriously.

“So,” she begins, shifting her gaze over his shoulder to the wall behind him. “Is, uh, is that thing still up for grabs?”

He loosens his arms around her enough to turn and see what she’s looking at. There’s only one thing on the wall for her to be referring to. Hanging in the hooks where it has sat since she returned it to him is the violin.

He looks back at her, surprised. “The violin?”

Lup looks up at him and there’s that rare glimpse of something he’s only seen once before on her face, a hint of timidity.

“Lup? Anything I have, if you want it, it’s yours.”

“Just you,” she tells him, leaning into his embrace again. “Well, and the violin, I guess,” she adds with a laugh.

“All yours,” he promises sincerely.

Barry rubs a hand over her back idly. “What brought that up? Just catch your eye?”

“Oh! No, when they showed us what they use the light for here I thought of it. Do you thing they have violin teachers in that conservatory of theirs?”

Barry shrugs. “If they don’t have violin teachers in Legato, we’ll find one somewhere else.” He pauses and adds, “But I have a feeling they do.”

“Good. I think I’m ready to learn to play.” She moves her head back to look at him seriously. “I’d like to play music with you. If, um, if I can learn violin and…”

“I’d love that,” he tells her. “That sounds wonderful.”

“A duet,” she says, grinning. “That’s what we’ll do for our submission.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now that we've gotten to this point, here's the explanation for this and the previous chapter titles:
> 
> Chapter 35 - A 440 - Also known as the Stuttgart pitch, it’s the note and frequency orchestras play when tuning up, the sound that begins as a discordant jumble until it unites in a single joined sound.
> 
> Chapter 35 was one of the most difficult to write let alone complete. It was and is very much the discordant jumble when I’m trying to get to that perfect sound for Legato. 
> 
> Because, you see, at the end of Chapter 33 Barry Bluejeans was going to die. He was going to die and Lup was going to have her fears of losing him when they were out of the cycles reaffirmed and they were going to have one last stumble before Legato. But every attempt for Chapter 34 was awful and finally, the only thing that made sense anymore was … Barry didn’t die.
> 
> I was happy with that chapter when I posted it and I knew (and still believe) it was the right choice. But it nuked the rest of my plans to lead up to Legato. Getting the story back on track, finding what felt right with the new path it had to take? That has been a wrestling match like nothing else in this story so far. So chapter 35 felt like a mess of noise when I wanted a beautiful sound. I named it A 440 hoping that it was the tune up that would get there.  
> Then this chapter, I honestly had no idea if Selba and Gheesan would be saved or not. I was leaning towards ‘not’ because that would be the ‘sad’ to start off things before that Legato reveal I was still aiming towards. 
> 
> Then I thought of Barry’s spell freezing time in Lucas’s lab and outside Refuge. It’s not the D&D spell “Time Stop” because the only unaffected person is the caster. When he froze Lucas and Carey and Killian and No3113 and then later Avi, he didn’t freeze Magnus and Taako and Merle. So once again, in canon, Barry Bluejeans was doing magic his own way. I liked giving it roots here and then having the effects of casting something so enormous when he was still recovering from the last time he overtaxed himself magically so that we could have an early indication that some magical effects persist through regen. (I’ve spent a ton of time thinking about how this works but I’ll spare the details when I’m already so longwinded here.)
> 
> And so we have another title with a musical reference. “Caesura: a break in a verse where one phrase ends and the following phrase begins. In time value this break may vary between the slightest perception of silence all the way up to a full pause. Considered a breath, a caesura in music represents a similar break or pause. The length of a caesura where notated is at the discretion of the conductor."
> 
> This is both literally the ‘pause’ that Barry casts to save Selba and Gheesan and secure the light as well as the last final pause before Legato begins in earnest and their relationship is broadcast to an entire plane as well as their Starblaster family.
> 
> And once again I’d like to say Thank You. Thank you for reading nearly 100k words at this point of me trying to do justice to the best couple ever and the best love story. I hope you stick around for 100k more! (And then some, cause, folks, this is a long, long ride still!) Your comments and notes and enthusiasm are a big, big part of why I keep pushing and working even when it seems impossible.
> 
> Also a very special thank you to K who's stuck with me and moral supported her ass off. I whine to her regularly and without her I probably would have given up long ago.


	37. Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cycle 47. You know what that means.

“Gods, Lup, you’re sounding better every single day,” Barry says. He’s honestly impressed. She’s made amazing strides in just a month of daily lessons. 

Lup’s arms droop to her sides, shoulders slumped, violin and bow held loosely in her fingers. She twists her head around to stretch her neck then transfers the bow to the hand with violin and shakes out the arm, working her hand open and closed and stretching the fingers. “Thanks, babe.” She moves to the piano where the violin case they’d bought waits. She tucks the instrument in lovingly before latching the case safely closed. “I don’t know how we’re ever going to have enough time to do this, though.”

He stands from the piano, stretches, then picks up her instrument case for her while she grabs her IPRE robe and pulls it back on. They open the door to leave and find the next person waiting for the room leaning on the wall opposite the door. Barry checks his watch, afraid they’ve gone over. 

Lup puts her hand on his wrist. “We’re  _ fine,” _ she insists in a hissed whisper. “Early, even.” She cuts a look at the young man waiting who has the sense to look apologetic as he ducks into the room they’ve just vacated. 

Lup is walking fast and Barry tries to keep up with her. “Have we made a mistake?” she asks. “There are people here who’ve played for years and had their work rejected!”

Barry catches her hand and pulls her to a stop. He squeezes her fingers reassuringly. “We’ll get there,” he tells her, his voice strong and sure. 

She smiles at him but he can tell she’s still worried. It’s completely understandable. His own skills are still so rusty but she’s starting practically from scratch. 

Leaning forward, she gives him a quick peck on the cheek then takes her violin case. 

“I’m gonna go see Taako for a bit,” she says, clutching the handle of the case with both hands and running her thumb nervously over the stitching. “See you after lunch?”

Barry nods. Taako will help her forget her worries, he’s sure. Her brother has always been exceedingly good at distracting her. “I think I’ll go check in with Magnus.”

“Sounds good,” she agrees before turning away. After two steps she turns and catches him watching her. She grins and returns to stand in front of him. This time she kisses him far more intently. When they part she tosses another smile at him then walks away again. When she turns to follow the path up to the section of the conservatory where Taako has been working, Barry retraces his steps they way they’d come this morning. 

He finds Magnus whaling on a huge chunk of wood, thick blade brandished in both hands as he hacks away chunks of the thing. Barry watches from the sidelines as Magnus’s teacher gives him pointers. Finally the fighter stops and surveys his work. 

“Wow,” Barry says. “Really getting the hang of it, huh?” 

Magnus looks over at him. “Does it look like a duck to you?”

“Oh, uh,” he rubs a hand over his neck and stares at the rough angles of the stump. He tilts his head to the left then back to the right. “Yeah, I can sort of see it.”

“Aw, dunk. It does doesn’t it?” Magnus says, sliding the machete into its leather sheath. “It was supposed to be a dog.” He stands looking at the wood for another moment. 

Barry gives him an apologetic smile. “You’ll get it, Mags,” he promises. “There’s still plenty of time.”

“How’s your thing going?” Magnus asks as he grabs a broom and begins clearing away the wood chips scattered around.

Barry starts picking up the biggest pieces of wood to make it easier for Magnus to sweep. He shrugs and bends to retrieve another chunk of wood too large to be easily swept. “I don’t know. Hard to tell when I have so little time with the piano.”

“Could you, like, rent one?”

Barry straightens and looks at Magnus, surprised. “That’s a great idea, Mags!” He tosses the bits of wood in a barrel full of similar trimmings. “Hey, you want to grab some lunch?”

“Tomorrow maybe? I want to go talk to my mentor. I don’t think this is working so great.”

“Sure thing. Good luck!”

Magnus puts the broom away and heads towards the office at the back of the workshop. Barry watches him for a moment, appreciating the determination he has. That idea Magnus offered was a good one, too. Or has inspired one, possibly. Maybe he’ll spend his lunch break following up on Magnus’s suggestion.

 

—-

 

Barry waits anxiously outside Lup’s violin lesson. He can’t decide if he made a good choice or not. It’s unlike him to be so impulsive. Now he feels like he should have spoken to Lup about the idea first. 

He’s been tying himself in knots about it every since he did it. His own lesson went terribly, so badly that his teacher recommended stopping early because Barry’s concentration was entirely absent.

By the time the door opens and Lup emerges, he’s convinced he made a mistake. 

“Hey, handsome, what are you doing here? Did you get out early?”

“Hey, Lup, so, uh, I… uh, I kinda did, um, a thing.” He’s stammering so hard he can barely push the words out. 

Lup’s smile fades and her expression turns worried. “Hey, calm down and talk to me, Bear.” She sits her violin case down and takes his hands. “Breathe for a moment then talk.”

He doesn’t stop to take a breath, just plunges forward, words tumbling out in a rush. “I rented a place and we don’t have to use it but I was thinking about this morning and then Magnus suggested renting a piano but we had looked into that and there’s no space for one on the ship but I thought maybe I could just rent a place to keep one but then the lady I talked to suggested this house and I went and looked at it and it looked really nice and it has a big kitchen and a veranda like the one that Sel… uh, anyway it was a great place and I got kinda carried away thinking how good it could be and I mean Merle and Davenport got that place over with the non-instrument music section and Taako had mentioned maybe doing something similar but, really, we don’t have to use it, I just thought that…” he runs out of air and has to stop for a breath. 

Lup reaches a hand up and places a finger over his lips. “Babe, you’re gonna have to break that up into some separate thoughts and give me some details. You rented a place?”

He nods, her finger still over his mouth. 

“What kind of place?” she asks, moving her hand so he can answer.

“It’s a two bedroom house with a big study that has a piano,” he begins, his words coming faster as he continues. 

She holds up her finger again and he pauses. One eyebrow lifts and her ears angle back. “So we could stay there and have access to a piano anytime?”

A grin begins to spread on his face. “If you wanted to.”

“That sounds great!”

He flushes then remembers the main concern he’d considered since impulsively signing the lease. “It, uh…” His words are hesitant now. They’ve been together for years now but, still, this is a complicated topic. “Um, it has two bedrooms but if, uh, if you don’t, uh, want us both to… um, stay there… we can still…”

“Barry?”

His words grind to a halt. 

“It’s cool, babe. I think it’s great.”

“Well, I uh, just didn’t want it to look bad to the crew, or, um, make you uncomfortable. And sharing a place seemed like it might look…” Barry’s words drift to a stop again and he shrugs. “We can do this without...” He begins speaking again just as Lup responds. 

“It’s okay, I think it’s a great plan.”

Barry stops again and looks at her. “Are you sure?”

“I appreciate you worrying about me but, yeah, it’s good. Can I see it?” She smiles, an indulgent grin that she offers him as she takes his hand.

His smile comes back in earnest now, transforming his entire demeanor. The anxious worry he’d spun up around himself melts away under Lup’s enthusiasm for the plan. “Of course!”

 

—-

 

They walk through the house together. It’s walking distance from the conservatory with wide windows that open to catch the breeze and a screen of trees along both sides of the property. The front door opens into a large living space with inviting overstuffed furniture, lamps with multicolored glass shades he was told were made by stained glass students in the conservatory, and a fireplace at one end of the room facing a piano on the other end. 

Lup takes his hand and they walk through the rest of the space together. At the back of the house is an enormous open kitchen with rich, warm brown wood cabinets and pale green tile that makes Lup murmur appreciatively. A back door opens onto a deck so similar to Gheesan and Selba’s that it makes his chest feel tight. It looks over a backyard that slopes down to a deep green stand of trees instead of a glittering river but his heart still expects the couple to follow them out onto the space.

“There’s two bedrooms and another bathroom upstairs,” he tells her as she fits herself against his side and their arms wrap around one another. “But even if we don’t stay here we can use the space to play whenever we want. The realtor said there’s good soundproofing, the trees help dampen sound too, and the neighbors are all with the conservatory and play at all hours, as well. When I came to look at it earlier there was a woman playing a concertina a few doors down. A  _ concertina! _ Can you believe it?”

“Was she playing sea shanties?” Lup teases.

“No, but I bet she would if we asked nicely.”

Lup gives a small laugh and then squeezes her arm around him. “I think this place is great,” she tells him. “Let’s do it.” She pulls away from his side to turn and face him. “Yeah, sure, we could just stay on the ship and come here to practice but, honestly? Having our own place and me cooking eggs wearing your boxers and going straight to a hot shower after playing for hours and coming down first thing in the morning to play something we thought of or …” She sighs, a long and content sound as she moves forward to be wrapped in his arms again. “I wish this was for good.”

Barry nods. It’s the thought he’s had since he first walked into the house with the realtor earlier. He wants this life. Lup. A house. The simple things other people take for granted, the things he always assumed were out of his grasp for a far different reason: sleepy mornings in bed, shared chores, all the tiny domestic moments that aren’t quite the same on the ship with the rest of the crew.  _ ‘One day,’ _ he thinks. But he’ll take this now, grab it greedily, and hold onto whatever he can. 

“Can we move in immediately?” she asks. 

“Right away,” he tells her. 

“Let’s get our stuff.”

 

—-

 

What Merle and Davenport began and Barry and Lup continued, the rest of the crew quickly adopt. Lucretia gets a studio loft in a building full of painters. Magnus finds a space in a workshop where a new mentor helps him find a gentler style of carving. And Taako insists he has his own plans as well though he doesn’t explain. They make sure someone is always with the ship but other than that, everyone gives over entirely into preparing their submissions. 

With full time access to their instruments, Lup and Barry throw themselves into learning and performing and composing with the same dedication that they have approached every challenge in their struggles through the years.

They spend long days and long nights playing until their fingers are sore. Eventually their teachers have less and less to offer because the more Lup and Barry work together the less it seems like work. They have a rare and magical alchemy when they perform that transforms both listeners and themselves.

But it  _ is _ work, a constant dedication and effort from both of them. It interrupts sleep and meals and conversations. 

 

—-

 

Barry comes in with an armload of groceries. He’s been humming the same tune over and over since he got in line to pay and he’s desperately trying to hold the melody in his head until he can work it out on the piano. The second he’s in the door he drops the bags in a chair and gets to work. 

It’s painstaking work. He hasn’t developed the ear to translate it so he has to try things and adjust and try new notes, searching for the right combination. Lost in the effort, he hasn’t realized how much time has passed until Lup comes in.

He scrambles up from the notes he was making. Lup’s eyebrows pull together in surprise at his sudden change in demeanor. “What’s up?”

“The groceries!” he nearly yelps. He grabs them and heads through the house to the kitchen, Lup following him laughing. “I just sat down for a minute to get something down but…” He puts the bags down on the counter and starts pulling items out. Most of it is fine but the ice cream he bought for her has definitely suffered. 

“Aww,” she says, mourning the now soup-like mess. She dumps the liquid part off in the sink then puts the rest in the freezer. They put the remaining groceries away but she leaves the butter out. “I’ll make cookies later, babe. Wanna play me what you were working on?”

“In a minute,” he promises. 

She giggles as he presses her against the wall and then she’s too distracted and much too busy to laugh. 

It’s much more than a minute before they emerge from the kitchen. She sits beside him on the piano bench and eats half melted ice cream while he plays what he was working on. When she finishes, she pulls out her violin and they find the conversation between his piano and her violin, the way the notes begin to come together.

 

—-

 

Barry is sitting at the piano trying to perfect another run of chords. Something isn’t fitting right and he can’t hear what it needs. Lup runs down the stairs and into the room, hair still dripping and robe tied hastily around her.

“Play that last bit again,” she demands.

Barry hesitates, trying to remember the last combination he tried. She snatches up her violin and holds her bow, waiting for him. His fingers find the keys and play the melody and after a short stumble she joins him. Her violin is the perfect counterbalance, the sweetness and light holding his more hesitant notes. And then, in the second part when his becomes more confident, hers soars, the two of them blending into something stronger and better.

“Fuck, that’s perfect,” she tells him when they stop. “We need to make that the central piece and move what we had earlier. Maybe…” 

“Wait, what if we take it from that with…” he tries something, fumbles, shifts his hands and tries again. 

“Okay, or maybe a little lower to start?” She slides her bow over the strings again, pulling the sequence he played down into a lower key and anchoring it before transitioning into the piece they just worked on.

“Yes, gods, yes, Lup you’re brilliant.” He tries to replicate it and it takes a moment, Lup offering a few suggestions. They play the new sections together and when they break off they both offer enormous grins to each other. 

“I was washing my hair and heard you,” she tells him, placing her bow and violin on top of the piano again. She comes around behind him and wraps her arms around his shoulders, leaning her chin on his head. “I don’t think I even rinsed the shampoo out entirely. I had to get down here before I lost what I was hearing in my head.”

Barry tilts his head slightly to rub his jaw on her arm affectionately. “I’m glad you did. That’s totally transformed it, I think. It’s just beautiful.”

He shifts on the piano bench to face her. She wraps her hands on his cheeks and kisses him. It’s like their melody, something full and heavy but shot through with sweetness and light. It makes him feel anchored and light headed at the same time.

Reluctantly she pulls away. “Okay, hold that thought. I need to finish washing my hair. See you in a minute, handsome.”

He catches her hand and their arms stretch as she moves away. “Do you have to?”

Lup pauses then returns, taking both his hands with hers. “Come help me,” she tells him.

Following her up the stairs, he teases, “I don’t think this is going to be faster.”

It’s not. Neither of them mind.


	38. Overture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cycle 47 continues, leading up to a very important moment in the lives of a certain couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more than twice as long as previous chapters. Happy Legato, everyone. <3

Every day their song is better. That surety that compelled him to learn the piano has finally paid off after almost two decades. Living with Lup, playing music with her and cooking with her and sleeping beside her and all the little moments that fit them together in new and different ways are just… they are everything to him. The joy of it all finds its way into the music, into the love song they are writing together.

So the months pass. And then the cycle is drawing to an end. 

Two days before their submission they play their song through again and again, smoothing out final rough spots and perfecting their performance.

“Barry,” Lup says as they prepare to play through it once more. Her voice is so quiet and  _ un-Lup-like _ that his head snaps up to look at her with worried eyes. She continues, her voice and face both seeming more subdued and concerned than he’s ever witnessed. “What if our song is erased? Is the song all we lose? Or do we forget all the time we spent creating it? How are they using the light to  _ do _ this?  _ Why?” _

He stands from the piano and crosses to her, gently pulls the instrument and bow from her grasp, and lays them gently on the piano top so his hands are free. He wraps his arms around her and tucks her to his chest. “I don’t know how or why they’d use the light to do this. It makes no sense. But I don’t think we’ll lose the song. And if we do, somehow? I don’t think it can take the experiences we’ve had here together”

Stepping back, he pulls her with him and they arrange themselves together on the sofa. He’s struck anew with the wonder that she loves him, continues to chose to be with him. She curls next to him, half in his lap, using the rounded cushion of his belly as a pillow. Her cheek is against the cotton of his shirt. Idly toying with one of his buttons, her wide, worried eyes look up at him. With one hand, he smooths the hair back from her forehead and continues stroking the soft strands. 

“Lup, being here with you has been…” He shakes his head and spreads his hands wide to indicate the enormity of it all. Then he resumes brushing his fingers over her hair. “That cycle when we had the ship to ourselves? Or any of the times we’ve managed to be alone together, not having to worry about…” He pauses and rephrases, not wanting to mar the point with the issue of their secrecy. “Those times have been wonderful and I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. But being here? Sharing a house with you and all this? It’s everything I could ever want, more than I ever hoped for, and no matter what? It’s something I will treasure forever.”

He smiles at her, filled with so much warmth and love it feels impossible to hold it all. “I think our song is amazing. But if it’s erased tomorrow? I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Lup wraps her arms around his middle, pressing her face against him as she squeezes tightly. His hand shifts to rub her back. After a moment she relaxes her grip and sits up to angle higher across him with her arms around his neck. 

“You’re right. I wouldn’t change a thing. I love our song. I love  _ you.” _

“And I love you, Lup. I…” Emotion chokes off his words for a moment and he swallows, trying to find the words and the air to express himself. “I don’t know how I got so lucky. I feel like there’s some kind of karmic debt I’ll never be able to pay for being lucky enough to have you feel the same. I just hope I can make you as happy as I am when I’m with you. This is…” he blinks, tears prickling his eyes. “This job of ours is hard, of course, and I don’t know how long we’ll have to keep doing it. But whatever part of forever I have, it’s yours.” He pauses, feeling embarrassed for getting so worked up. “Uh, if you want it,” he adds softly.

“I want every ounce of it,” she tells him vehemently. “I demand it. Seriously, Bluejeans, you aren’t allowed to give me any less than forever, okay?”

He smiles and pulls her tight in his arms again. “Anything you want, Lup,” he promises.

Later, as they make their way up the stairs together, hips bumping awkwardly as they make their way side by side up a staircase not intended to be taken two-wide, there’s a strange mood clinging to them. They are two people so in love with one another it surrounds them with joy. But there’s so much hanging on them, depending on them to make no missteps. It’s a quiet, reverent night between them and when they finally fall asleep, it’s with both of them clutched in each other’s arms as if the other might disappear while they slept.

 

—-

 

The next morning they are still in constant touch as they bump around the kitchen making coffee and toast. When they move out to the veranda to eat, Lup settles in his lap and giggles as her bread crumbs fall on him and he struggles to drink his coffee while holding her balanced and steady. 

Neither of them manage to eat or drink much, both too nervous and too distracted with the need to stay close. 

Finally, Lup throws her half eaten toast over the railing to land in the yard. “Maybe some birds will find it,” she says. She takes the mug from his hand and puts it on the table.

“Taako has ship duty this week,” she tells him. “I think I’m going to go stay with him on the Starblaster tonight.”

“I can take over his watch so you two can do something,” Barry offers. 

“Nah, it’s cool. I want to get something off the ship anyway.” 

She climbs out of his lap and he starts to get up but she just repositions herself to straddle his thighs. “Not so fast, Bear.” She links her hands behind his neck. “I think we should go through the song one more time before I go and then trust that we’ll be amazing.”

“Might be a little hard to play like this,” he points out.

“Only a little?” she teases.

“A lot,” he counters, tightening his grip on her.

“I’m going to miss this place,” she tells him, looking over his shoulder at the house behind him. “I’m so glad you go it. I don’t think we’d have had enough time for our song otherwise. It certainly wouldn’t have been the same.”

“It really has been wonderful.”

“We’re going to have to tell them soon,” she says. Her eyes go to his and her gaze is steady but he can feel the tension pulling tight in her muscles. 

“We will when you’re ready,” he says, voice steady. 

There’s a relaxing in her posture so minute he might have missed it except he’s made a dedicated study of Lup over the years. “It will be fine,” he continues. “There’s no rush.”

“There’s a little bit of a rush,” she counters. “I’ve gotten exceedingly spoiled with all this time together. I’m not ready to give it up.”

Pushing the hair back from her face he just looks at her for a moment. “We’ll figure it out,” he offers. “But yeah, I, uh, I definitely know what you mean.”

“I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for anymore. I  _ know _ it will be fine. I just…” She crushes herself against him. 

Hand rubbing her back, he gives her time to finish her thought. When she doesn’t speak he says, “It’s a big step and there’s no undoing it. It’s intimidating.”

She laughs and sits upright again, facing him. “There’s a big vore cloud following us the size of a few dozen of planar systems.  _ That’s _ intimidating.”

“There’s different kinds of scary,” he says with a shrug. “But we can face both of them together.”

She nods. “We’ll need a signal or something. You know there’s going to be so much teasing, right?”

“Well, uh, I think I’ve had a little bit of experience with teasing. There are these twins I work with, for example...” Barry gently traces his thumb along her jaw and grins at her slight shiver. “Being teased will never have been so worth it, though.”

Her words are soft and distracted as she tilts her head against his hand. “What, uh, what signal should we use?”

“Should we try bird calls? Learn to work the word ‘rutabaga’ into conversation?”

She flashes a smile at him before her teeth catch on her lip, biting lightly against the pink skin. Her fingers go to the buttons on his shirt and begin working them open. “How about we just say ‘can we go talk?’ instead?”

His eyes are caught on the way her mouth pulls when she bites her lip again. “An impossible code no one will ever see through,” he answers, his voice a rough whisper. Then he chuckles, “They’ll think we want to be alone to fight.”

“Who cares as long as we’re alone?”

“Good point.”

“Barry?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you like to go talk?”

“I really, really would.”

 

—-

 

Hours later they’ve finally settled at their instruments. Lup’s hair is still wet from the shower. She never got around to cutting it this cycle so it hangs long and dark against her skin. 

His own hair is still wet as well, sticking up in wild tufts after Lup teased him by ruffling it. The breeze coming in the open windows is warm and the way it plays over his damp hair feels nice, though nowhere near as nice as when it was Lup’s fingers. 

“Ready?” he asks.

She tilts her head once then readies her bow.

They begin. 

The two of them play through the song, beginning to end without stop. When they reach the final notes, their hands still, letting the music hang in the air around them for a moment.

“Lup, that was…”

“Barry, I…”

They both start and stop at the same time, then laugh. 

“Yeah,” she says simply.

He nods back at her, “yeah.”

She crosses to the piano and begins putting away the violin. She runs her fingers lightly over the wood before tucking in the bow and closing the lid. It reminds him of the vision he’d seen when he first saw the instrument more than a decade and a half ago on the wall of the music store on Tesseralia: beautiful hands delicately holding the instrument. He should have realized it was her.

“Okay, babe,” she says, picking up the violin case. She comes over and bends down to place a kiss on his hairline. “I’m heading back to the ship for some Taako time. I guess I’ll see you at the thing tomorrow.”

Catching the hand she’s braced on his shoulder he holds her fingers in place. “You’ll be there?” he asks, suddenly anxious. 

Lup sits her violin down and puts her now empty hand on his cheek. She smiles at him, the expression sweet and indulgent. “Of course I will, Bear. I’ll be the sexy one down front trying not to make goo-goo eyes at you.”

He nods, doing his best to get his nerves in check. She’ll be there, of course she will. He swallows and pulls her into his lap for a moment, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her damp hair. 

“I love you, Lup. So, so much.”

“Hey, babe, I love you too.” She squeezes him tightly then leans back to look at him. “You okay?”

“Yeah. It just…” He doesn’t want to say that it feels like something is ending. It’s just the cycle winding down, he tells himself. “Just nervous about tomorrow, I guess.”

“Hey, there’s no way our song can be rejected with someone so smart and talented and sexy performing it. Plus  _ I’ll _ be there,” she teases. 

He laughs and kisses her. Then he lets out a long sigh as he rubs her back for a moment. “Yeah, you’re right. It’ll be great,  _ we’ll _ be great.” He kisses her again and gives her another squeeze before letting her up. “Okay, you and Taako have fun.”

“I’ll miss you,” she says seriously, picking up her violin once more.

“Gods, I’m gonna miss you like crazy, Lup. What am I going to do with a whole bed to myself?”

He stands and she tugs a handful of his shirt, pulling him to her. “Don’t get used to it, Bluejeans” She punctuates the demand with a kiss, a quick but intense crush of lips. 

Then she straightens and sighs. Her fingers brush a lock of hair from his forehead and she smiles. “Okay, I’m gonna go before I end up dragging you back upstairs. Stay handsome, babe. See you at the shindig.”

 

—-

 

With Lup gone and his nerves still running high, Barry is at a loss for what to do. He’s tempted to sit back down at the piano and practice until his hands are cramping but they agreed their one play through together this morning would be it until their performance tomorrow. Besides, it will likely only make him more nervous. 

He heads upstairs and goes into the second bedroom. He’s kept his clothes in here in case they’ve had visitors, keeping up the appearance that they’re just sharing the space while they rehearse. The others have visited a few times. There have been a handful of dinner parties at their respective places and more than once these have turned into one or two them crashing on couches or in spare rooms. When that happened here he slept in the second bedroom while Magnus and Merle took the sofa and recliner downstairs and Taako and Lup slept on fresh sheets put in place for just such an eventuality in the main bedroom.

Secreted in the back of the closet in the second bedroom, is a garment bag containing the suit he had made to wear for their song. It’s a deep charcoal grey and so expertly cut and fitted by a student working towards creating a fashion submission that he can’t help but be impressed with how it looks on him. He can’t remember the last time he felt that way about an outfit. The best he usually hopes for from clothes are that they make him feel comfortable when he’s wearing them. Like the bluejeans that he believes help him fade into the background. Or his IPRE robe that makes him feel more competent. 

He wants to look good up there beside Lup. He wants to look good _ for _ Lup. 

Pulling down the garment bag, Barry takes the suit out to inspect it. He was careful when he put it away, wanting it to be ready and perfect when he got it out to wear. It still looks good, not wrinkled as he’d feared it might be. He’s about to head back downstairs when he thinks,  _ what if it doesn’t fit? _ It’s been a few weeks since the final fitting. Weeks filled with sitting at a piano and cooking and eating with Lup constantly. Oh no. If it doesn’t fit he’ll have to wear his jeans and shirt, maybe his most recently regenerated IPRE robe. Which, probably that would be just fine but he doesn’t want ‘just fine.’ Lup deserves nice. Lup deserves special. Their duet is a big deal, important to both of them, and he wants to honor that. Honor  _ her  _ even in this small way.

As he changes to try on the suit again, he considers other things he could do. If he could get away with it he’d bring her flowers. A corsage? No, a whole bouquet of them. Maybe he’ll fill the house with them, instead, to surprise her tomorrow night. Even if their song is somehow erased they can come back here again together. 

The suit pants button and so does the coat. It looks as polished and good as it did before. The tie, though. The color seems wrong. It’s the same blue of his darkest jeans. When he’d bought it, he had liked the subtle reference to the article of clothing that has been part of his name for nearly fifty years but seeing it with the suit now, it looks washed out with the deep grey of the suit. 

_ Okay then, _ he decides, _ flowers and a tie. Maybe something extra special for dinner, too. _

After using the mirror in their bedroom, he’s just heading back to the second bedroom to take the suit back off when he hears knocking. He freezes for a moment. It won’t be Lup if there’s knocking but his stone of farspeech was in his jeans pocket still so he may have missed a call. No time to change, he heads downstairs in the suit.

He opens the door to find Magnus waiting on the porch. “Hey, Barry! I came by to… oh shit, why are you so dressed up?”

Barry looks down at the suit. “I, uh,” he makes a face. “This is what I’m wearing tomorrow for the, uh, thing tomorrow.”

“Aww, dunk! Are we supposed to dress up?”

Barry steps back to let Magnus in. “I don’t think there’s a, um, dress code or anything. I just, uh, I figured if I’m gonna be up there with Lup I should try to look nice.”

“Oh, yeah,” Magnus says, looking relieved. “Good idea.” He studies Barry for a minute. “I think you need a different belt with that.”

Barry pats at his waist. He hadn’t even considered how his black, studded leather belt would look with the suit. It was just part of his routine of getting dressed. “Oh, damn, you’re right. I wasn’t even…” How stupid of him to not even consider that. “Damn,” he repeats, frustrated with himself.

“Hey, it’s cool, buddy! You can wear mine!” Before Magnus even finishes speaking he’s pulling his belt loose. “Plain black should look good, right?”

“Oh, yeah, but, uh, it probably won’t… uh, won’t fit,” Barry protests. 

Handing over the loop of leather, Magnus shrugs. “Try it and see.”

Barry pulls his own belt off, sliding the familiar item loose. Even with the free copies he gets every year from the bond engine - bonuses when he remembers to not wear his belt at the end of the cycle anyway - he’s picked up very similar ones here and there in cycles. Lucky for him his favorite belt is even more common than his favorite kind of pants.

Rather than feed Magnus’s belt through the loops, he just wraps it around his waistline and tries to fasten it. Surprisingly, he can. He has to use the last hole on the thing but at least he’s able to wear it.

“Thanks! I was planning on picking up a different tie this afternoon so I can maybe find a belt and get this one back to you.”

“Nahhhhhh,” Magnus says, drawing out the sound. “Isn’t it lucky to wear something borrowed anyway? Something borrowed, something blue? Is that the saying?”

Barry’s cheeks color. “Uh, I think that’s for, um, something else.”

Magnus just shrugs. “Hey, so, uh…” He rubs the back of his neck with this hand for a moment. “Have you eaten? You want to get a late lunch? Early dinner? Or maybe I could come with you to get a tie? My, uh…” He grins but the expression doesn’t reach his eyes and Barry realizes he doesn’t remember the last time he’s seen the fighter look nervous about something. 

“That’d be great. You, uh, you good?”

“Just… My duck is done, you know? But now I wonder if it’s good enough.”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s great, Mags. When I saw it last week I thought it looked great.”

“Well, it’s done now anyway. Not enough time to redo it. I thought maybe if we went to grab some food or something it’d keep me from whittling the thing down to a matchstick.”

“Sure, let me, uh, let me just go change?”

“Yeah, yeah, a’course.”

Barry rushes back upstairs. He carefully hangs up the suit again, making sure to line up the pants legs perfectly to keep them from wrinkling. Each piece of the outfit tomorrow he is fastidious about arranging perfectly. Then he pulls his own clothes on and heads back down. 

“Sorry that took me so long, just wanted to make sure the suit was ready and looking good for tomorrow.”

Magnus looks up from the chair he was squatted beside, the piece of furniture tilted to the side as he examined the legs of the thing. He stands and looks around the room. “No problem. This place is great, by the way.”

“Yeah,” Barry answers, looking around the room as well. “I’m really gonna miss it. I mean, uh, I love the Starblaster of course. But… this place has really started to feel like home.”

“I know what you mean. Give me some dogs and I’d never want to leave that workshop I’ve been using. Except I’d miss everyone. I’m kinda used to sharing a small space with six other people now.”

Barry laughs. “Yeah? I’ll remind you of that the next time we’re lined up outside the bathroom waiting for Taako to get done perfecting his hair.”

“Two bathrooms is not enough for seven people. I don’t know what the IPRE was thinking.”

“Well, for one thing, I don’t think they ever dreamed that we’d live on the ship for fifty years.”

“True.”

The mood darkened by the thought and both are quiet for a moment. 

Magnus is able to break it first. “You wanna ask Lup to come?”

“She’s hanging out with Taako on the ship.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s his turn.”

Barry grabs his keys and opens the door and they step out onto the porch. Barry turns and locks the handle behind him. He’ll only do this a few more times, he realizes. There’s less than two weeks left.

“No one has duty tomorrow night, do they? We’re all going to be doing our submissions together, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, it should be fine. You have any ideas about where to eat?”

“Not really. You have any ideas about where to buy a tie?”

Barry laughs. “Not really.”

“Guess we’ll figure it out.”

“Guess so.”

 

—-

 

They eat lunch at a place Magnus has frequented with lots of outdoor tables and a dizzying array of sandwiches to choose from. Barry takes his friend’s suggestion on what to order and they take their food to a spot with an umbrella and a good view of the dog park across the street.

Between bites of his sandwich, Magnus pointed out dogs that were regulars at the park. “That one is called Rusty and he’s a mix of black lab and shepard and usually he’s like now - running all out and playing with the other dogs. But he can also be the most chill dog you’ve ever seen. This couple came the other day and they had a new baby with them? Rusty settled right down, calm and quiet as can be, and just watched. Kind of made himself the perimeter and all the rowdy dogs kept their distance, not getting too close to the couple. Then as soon as the couple left he went right back to normal, running around and barking with the rest of the dogs. Such a good, good boy.”

“Very well trained, it sounds like.”

“Yeah,” Magnus responds wistfully. 

They finish their food and clean up their trash then head out, following the sidewalk towards a likely looking area with lots of shops. They walk, chatting quietly. He’s so glad Magnus came by. They’re both still nervous but it’s manageable. 

It’s not long before they find a clothing store. They wander in and make their way to the section offering ties, cufflinks, socks, and underwear. All the things to complete an outfit that aren’t the shirt or pants, essentially, are arranged neatly in the back corner of the store. 

Magnus wanders to the next section to look at a display of boots and Barry finds himself thinking of the old rhyme Magnus had referenced earlier. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Maybe it’s not a bad idea, he thinks. He’s borrowed the belt, the suit is brand new. He’s already decided against the blue tie, though. With that thought in his head, he bypasses the ties and heads instead to a selection of boxers. He finds a pair that look like his size. They’re the same medium blue of most of his jeans, the ones most perfectly worn in and comfortable. That takes care of something blue.

That just leaves something old. 

There’s him, he thinks, as he heads back to the racks of ties. He’s technically 99 years old this year, he realizes with a start. Well, even without the unnaturally lengthened life he’d have qualified as the ‘something old’ but now he certainly does. But he’s carrying a much better ‘something old.’ His love for Lup. It’s been part of him so long now that he can’t remember when it started or how it felt to not have it filling him up. He’s loved her nearly half his strangely doubled years. Yet, everyday it feels bigger and better and stronger and  _ more. _ Forget the suit or the belt or the jeans-colored underwear. This is the most important thing he has and he’ll carry it proudly the rest of his days. 

That decided, his attention returns to the ties in front of him and he realizes his hands have stopped on one in particular. It’s a jewel like red, brilliantly ruby colored with a subtle pattern woven into it in a red just a tinge darker. The pattern is abstract but it reminds him of flames, of Lup’s fire magic, of  _ Lup. _ It’s perfect.

 

—-

After he and Magnus part, Barry continues wandering the shopping area, looking for a place to buy flowers. 

In their discussions with Chancellor Marlow, the rest of the crew had learned a lot about this world. In many ways it was a utopia - a world in which people had the opportunity to pursue their artistic passions and perfect a single creation, something worthy of being broadcast to the rest of the population. 

But there were still people serving food in restaurants and emptying garbage bins and, apparently, working in the many service and manufacturing jobs it took to keep things running. Barry finds himself wondering about this as he walks. Was there some kind of guaranteed income that allowed people to work part time and gave them time pursue their art? Was time at the conservatory a sort of sabbatical period that people attempted once in their life? 

And how had all of this been built up around the light of creation so quickly?

Maybe they had something like this already and the light had simply empowered it this year. If the crew got the light and took it with them this year, would it change how this whole land operated?

But that was always a worry. Every populated cycle they considered how they were changing the plane they left behind by removing the light of creation again. There was no other option, of course. The Hunger would devour the entire plane if they didn’t secure the light. But it still seemed cruel sometimes.

By the time he finds a place to buy flowers his mood has turned somber. He wanders the open air market for several minutes, still lost in his thoughts about the worlds they’ve affected over the years. 

“Can I help you?” 

Barry startles and looks up. A very young dwarf woman is looking at him curiously. 

“Sorry, uh,” he looks around, actually  _ seeing _ the multi colored blooms around him for the first time. “Yeah, I need, um, well, I hoped to buy, uh, kinda a lot of flowers.”

She nods once, decisively, and pulls out a pad from a pocket in her half apron. “What were you looking for? Is it an event? When do you need them?”

Anxiety threads through him, winding itself through his words as he tries to answer. “Oh, uh, well, I don’t… uh.” He looks around again, feeling suddenly guilty that he’d underestimated the process. “It’s, uh, tomorrow. But I… I was hoping I could just buy stuff today.” Swallowing nervously, he adds, “My, uh,” his voice lowers even though none of the crew are anywhere around. “My girlfriend and I are performing a duet tomorrow.” He feels his cheeks growing hot but he forces himself to continue. “I wanted to surprise her with a house full of flowers.”

The woman smiles up at him, her expression warm and full of understanding. “That’s lovely. Of course we can do that. Did you have anything in mind?”

Relief washes over him. “Oh, no, uh, just… Just lots of color and, uh, happy looking?”

“Of course,” she repeats. She offers her hand. “I’m Kelsley.” 

“Barry,” he responds, shaking her hand gratefully. 

She pats his forearm then gestures for him to follow her. “Let’s take a look around, shall we?”

Barry trails dutifully in her wake. For the next hour she shows him dozens of varieties and colors of flowers. He thinks of the space he wants to fill in the house - the living room and bedroom in particular - and buys and buys. He ends up with flowers in every shade but predominantly reds and yellows and oranges. 

Kelsley takes his address and assures him that she’ll have the flowers delivered before sunset and even come along to help him get them all situated in the house. 

He pays her, departing with a sizable amount of gold gladly after all her help. “Thank you so much,” he tells her for the tenth time. 

She pats his arm again and nods. “Hey, you’re gonna be great,” she assures him. “I’m sure I’ll hear your song tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.”

The thought cheers him as much as the time he’s just spent walking among so many lovely flowers. By this time tomorrow this whole world may have heard the song he and Lup have spent so many months working on. 

_ They will, _ he tells himself.  _ They will all hear it. _

 

—-

 

Barry wakes up alone in the bed he’s shared with Lup for most of the cycle. At some point while he was sleeping he’d wrapped himself around her pillow. He hugs it tightly before putting it back on her side of the bed. 

When he looks up he’s momentarily surprised at the flowers filling the room. Then he sniffles and laughs. Okay, part of him was definitely not surprised. The pollen has not gone unnoticed by his immune system. It has decided he’s under attack. He sniffs again and rolls over. It doesn’t matter. If Lup likes it, it’s worth it.

The house is overflowing with color and smells. He’s glad Kelsley steered him away from the most fragrant flowers. The open air flower market had been full of a competing array of each flower’s individual perfumes but in the enclosed walls of their rented home it would have been far too much if he’d gotten some of the stronger ones. Kelsley thought of everything and the blend is a strong but pleasant smell filling the space.

He gets out of bed and wanders the rooms. In less than a year the place has come to feel like home so much it makes his chest feel tight. All they ever brought here from the ship were clothes but still it feels so perfectly  _ them _ somehow. 

With a mug of coffee in his hand he stands on the back deck looking over the roll of lawn disappearing into the trees at the bottom of their little hill. He’d quite happily spend the rest of his days here with Lup. 

Lup.

She’s all the home he needs, though. Her and the rest of the crew, their strange little family. He loves this place, the first home they ever made just for themselves, but it’s far more important to have Lup and the rest of their family.

With that thought in mind it’s easier to consider that they’ll need to move their clothes back to the ship soon.

But first they have a song to perform.

 

—-

 

Dressed in his red tie and new grey suit (and borrowed belt and blue boxers) Barry is standing with Magnus and Merle and Davenport and Lucretia. He keeps looking nervously down the aisle between the seats for the audiences that gather daily. He’s trying to catch a glimpse of the twins arriving.

Trying to catch sight of Lup.

There’s plenty of time before their group’s performance slots but he’s so nervous he can’t be still. He checks again. Two dark haired gnomes walk in and even they make his heart stop for a moment before beating again wildly. Every person who has used those doors in the last ten minutes has nearly caused him to have a heart attack. If he had any room left for another kind of worry, he’d fear he’ll actually have a heart attack when the twins arrive. 

But he’s too busy panicking about the song. He knows their song is amazing - it’s half Lup, how can it be anything else? - but what if he messes up playing? They’re supposed to put a copy of their sheet music up as well. Is that what is actually considered? Or is it based entirely on their performance? 

Unbuttoning his suit jacket, Barry manages to be still only two seconds before he rebuttons it. He smooths the suit cuffs, checks the cuff links on his shirt sleeves, and adjusts the way the cuffs of the shirt and coat line up. 

He looks at the rest of the group. Merle is laughing and joking, trying to distract Davenport. Merle looks entirely unphased by what they’re about to face. Davenport looks stoic but the man spent decades as a test pilot. Singing probably doesn’t rankle him much. Lucretia adjusts her grip on a large portfolio case. She’s been quiet since gathering with the group but not unusually nervous. 

Magnus, on the other hand, grips his carved duck tightly. Readjusting his grip frequently, the fighter keeps looking down at the wood as if it might have mysteriously transformed in his hands. Barry pats him on the shoulder and Magnus throws a tense smile at him.

There’s no way he’d ever trade the past year of playing music with Lup but he wishes they had a finished piece to simply present instead of worrying about performing their song. Not that it seems to make Magnus feel much better. 

Other people are going up to submit their works or gathered waiting for their turn. He tries to look around at the others to get his mind off his own nervousness. He recognizes a red headed kid who he’s seen around all year. The kid is constantly singing, no matter where he is. That song has followed them around the conservatory, the grocery store, he even heard it in the washroom of a restaurant once. Of course he’s presenting today. 

There’s a woman with a portfolio case similar to Lucretia’s. She’s standing next to a very nervous looking young man who must be her boyfriend. The woman wears a gauzy white dress speckled over with what Barry thinks must be paint. A lot of it is lime green.

A pair of orc men hold a delicately curved floor lamp with an enormous green shade made of what must be a thousand tiny panes of glass. As he watches, a woman who must be their mentor comes over with a cord in her hands. She offers it to them and they plug in their lamp. The light through the shade shows the dozens of different shades of green they used, giving the effect of light spilling down through a canopy of leaves. For a moment all he can do is stare, his own anxiety forgotten. 

Then, a sound so soft and subtle he might have missed it had he not been so particularly attuned to and alert for it. The door opens and he swings his head to stare up the aisle. 

Lup has arrived. She’s walking arm in arm with Taako but Barry only has eyes for Lup.

The phrase “heart skips a beat” is a common idiom but Barry absolutely experiences it as he sees her. She’s wearing a dress he never thought he’d see again. A dress he’d seen on a familiar face at a party almost fifty years ago. A dress she’d worn the first time they kissed. The dress she wore to the Founders Dinner back when he was still called Sildar Hallwinter and a name tag she’d stolen made him think her name was Carol Flesk.

His heart skips a beat, possibly several. He’s forgotten how to breathe.

Lup.

He’s loved her for so long and she loves him too. He watches her walk down the aisle and he’s so full of love for her that he feels like he could just float away on it. The warmth and lightness could just rise him up off the ground. He could drift up to hover among the clouds. 

Then she smiles at him and he’s dazzled, awash with love and gratitude that she loves him. She comes to a stop in front of him and offers her free hand. “Looking mighty fine, Mr. Bluejeans.”

“Looking, uh, pretty fucking spectacular yourself, Ms. Flesk.”

She giggles and the nervousness about their performance can’t touch them for a moment. They might as well be completely alone for that instant. 

Then the red haired kid begins to sing and pulls them back to the present. They release each other’s hand and nervously wait their turn with the rest of their family.

Time moves slowly. It seems to take forever for the people ahead of them to present their works. Then it’s their turn. By the time Merle takes the spotlight, Barry is sure he’s forgotten their song, how to play piano, possibly his own name. 

Lucretia goes up and unzips her case. She places her painting on the waiting easel. It’s a familiar image, one the seven of them remember well from their home. Moments later it’s an image this entire world has as her work is accepted and broadcast to everyone.

Davenport follows Lucretia. Their captain’s voice is absolutely stunning. But Barry has his own struggle to keep from nervously adjusting his tie. How does breathing work again? Is his tie too tight? Davenport’s song is wonderful but it’s hard to concentrate around the knot of nervous tension taking over Barry’s body.

He’s distracted by the pure swagger Taako displays as he walks onto the stage. He drops his book on the stand and turns to offer a few quotes to the people gathered for today’s submissions. Some of his students cheer and one particularly moved listener storms out in a fit of inspiration.

Then Magnus walks up with his hands clenched so tightly on his carved duck that if the poor thing were alive he’d have strangled it. Barry chews nervously on his lip, hoping fervently that his friend’s work is accepted. When a faint flash comes from the mountain and the vision of the rough wooden duck is sent out to everyone, Magnus begins crying. Barry feels tears stinging his own eyes in response.

And then it’s their turn.

The people who make sure each presenter has what they need for their submission wheel a waiting piano into place and arrange a bench in front of it. Lup and Barry step forward, tension so tight in them that neither of them can speak. Barry sits down at the piano and moves his limbs into position. Lup raises her violin, tucks it under her chin, and positions her bow. They glance at one another and with a nearly imperceptible nod from Lup, begin to play.

The moment their instruments fill the space with sound, Barry is transported. All the fear and worry disappears. The performance space around the, the audience, the rest of the crew, all fade from his awareness. 

There’s only Lup. This moment. 

And the love letter they wrote together to be spoken by a violin and piano working together. Their notes follow each other, closer and more connected as they continue, until they begin a playful back and forth sort of teasing. Then a brief section where each instrument struggles to match the other, the strength that the notes had found together becoming fragile as they work alone. There’s a single, aching pause, as a few deep chords from the piano seem to plead for something.

Then the violin returns, hesitant for a few notes. 

Until at last the two threads of sound twist together, joining perfectly. Their song plunges forward in a joyful connection between violin and piano. 

Barry’s eyes are closed, seeing Lup, Lup, Lup again and again. Lup with a drink in each hand and impatient fire in her eyes. Lup’s eyes inches from his own in an elevator. Lup glancing at him while a golden mongoose braces her paws on his leg. Lup wordlessly rubbing his arm after bringing him soup. Lup with the robot. Lup demanding he get up after those nightmare creatures attacked them in the dark. Lup in the tent on that cursed snow planet. Lup helping him cut vegetables. Lup standing beside him as they waited for Taako to buy a hat. Lup in the blue and purple light reflected in a debris ring around a planet. Lup insisting he and Magnus go as she blocked off the window between them. Lup taking the bottle of water from his hands so she could kiss him in another elevator. Lup sitting beside him on a tram with a little stuffed mongoose in her lap. Lup curled up beside him on the deck that cycle they were on the ship alone together. Lup with her arms wrapped so tightly around him as she cried when he found her sleeping in his room. Lup looking nervous as she accompanied him to meet Selba and Gheesan. 

And then all the wonderful moments with her this year. Lup baking cookies in their kitchen. Lup smiling as he handed her a cup of coffee. Lup half asleep and brushing her teeth. Lup with freshly washed hair and her violin at her chin playing their song with him.

The song is their entire history and their future, an exchange of every moment of love and promise between them turned into sound they send out, surrounding themselves with it so solidly it feels tangible.

They play the final notes and their hands fall still. As the final echo of music fades, Barry stands from the piano and Lup is beside him in an instant, grabbing his hand as they face one another. There’s applause around them and they turn to face everyone who has just heard their song. Linked hands raised in the air, they laugh and bow, swinging their hands as they make the gesture silly and showy through their laughter. 

Then they face one another again and their laughter fades. Everything fades again except the two of them. One of those moments like the one between planes passes for them: eternity in an instant. And then there’s a sharp whistle from the audience that catches their attention. Lup glances over Barry’s shoulder at the mass of faces both familiar and unknown and then she smiles again and asks, “Barry, do you wanna go talk somewhere for a while?”

Barry smiles back at her, nodding as he answers emphatically, “Yeah.”

They part for just a moment as Lup runs up to put their sheet music on the stand. Barry grabs her violin and then they link their hands together again.

By the time their song is rebroadcast to everyone they’ve disappeared together. She tugs him through a side door. “I know just where to go,” she tells him, laughing again.

He follows her, ready to go anywhere she wants to lead him. 

She stops and he crashes to a standstill beside her, the violin thumping his leg at the abrupt halt. One eyebrow lifts and she gives him a devilish smile. Barry manages to tear his eyes away from her for a moment. 

They are standing in front of an elevator. He breaks into laughter again as she pushes the call button. The doors open and he pulls her inside, pushing her up against the back wall before the doors have even closed behind them. She wraps her arms around his neck and he can barely force himself to take a moment to set her violin down before he devotes every ounce of attention to kissing her thoroughly. 

 

—-

 

It’s some kind of marvel that they manage to get back to their little rented home. Lup holds her violin as Barry unlocks the door. Then he turns and swings her up into his arms to carry her inside. She tightens her arm around his neck, her violin case held dangling as she gets her first view of the cacophony of blooms awaiting them. Reluctantly he lets her down to stand on her own again. She looks around the room then turns back to him, a hand pressed to his chest. 

“Bluejeans, did you do this?”

“Maybe so,” he offers with a grin and she swats his arm. 

“I mean… of course you did, I don’t know what I mean.” She looks around again and shakes her head. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

“Thank  _ you, _ Lup. That was… we were…”

“Yeah, we were, weren’t we?”

“I, uh, I think everyone might, um…”

“Yeah,” she agrees. She seems utterly unconcerned and in years and years and decades of loving her he doesn’t think he’s ever loved her more than right this instant.

“You’re okay with that?” he can’t stop himself from asking.

She laughs and nods then presses herself against him. “I am, babe. I really am.”

“Thank fuck,” he says eloquently, making her erupt into more laughter and collapse against him.

“You’re going to have to put up with a lot of teasing,” she reminds him when she recovers enough to speak.

“I am completely okay with that.”

“I’m going to be doing a lot of that teasing.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Lup.”


	39. Facing the Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their song has been broadcast and now the rest of the crew - and this entire planar system - know how completely in love these two are. But in the lives of the Starblaster's crew, there's always something new to deal with.

There’s not a lot of time for them to bask, as it turns out. Scarcely an hour after Barry carries her over the threshold of their little rented house, their stones of farspeech demand their attention.

“Barry, Lup, uh,” Davenport’s voice comes through the stones sounding slightly embarrassed. “We need you to come back to the conservatory so we can secure the light. Marlow’s going to let us attempt the cave like she said. We’ll, uh, we’ll be waiting here for you.”

“Ah, fuck,” Lup answers. “Yeah, okay, we’ll be there.” She shifts to sit upright and adds, “Quick as we can.”

She drops her stone back to the nightstand and stretches, arms spread over her head. The sheet slips to pool around her waist and for a moment Barry forgets there’s anything in existence beyond the boundaries of their bed. The intimacy of the moment reminds him anew how much things have changed between them and he just wants to pull her into his arms and revel in it.

He glances down at the stone in his hand and groans, their many responsibilities falling heavily on him again. Can’t everything just stop for a little while?

“You okay there, babe? Not backing out on me are you?”

He pulls her back to lay against him. “Not a chance, Lup. You’re stuck with me.”

She reaches a hand up to brush the hair back from his forehead. She’s quiet, expression hard to read, and a different Barry, a Barry from a few years ago or at least a Barry who hadn’t spent a year living with and writing a song with this amazing woman, might have twisted himself into an anxious mess at the silence, at the unreadable look on her face. Instead he rubs her back and waits for her to speak.

She lays her head back down against his chest, curls her arms around him, and releases a quiet sigh. “I don’t want to leave.”

The hand rubbing her back stills as he thinks about Lup’s life, how she and Taako never stayed anywhere for very long. “Me either. I’ve loved every minute sharing this house with you. But that’s because of  _ you _ and you’re still going to be there wherever we are.”

She nods, not raising her head. “Yeah.” Then, voice stronger and more sure, “Yeah, you’re right.” She sits up again and grins at him, one eyebrow raised and ears angle in their familiar teasing position. “Alright, buster, get some jeans on that ass and let’s go face the music.”

 

—-

 

Barry stands among the rest of the crew as he has countless times over the last 47 years. 

But this time is different. Lup’s fingers are entwined with his, squeezing reassuringly as their crew mates, their  _ family _ look at their linked hands, then their faces, and consider how to respond to the couple. 

Magnus is first to react. The fighter’s face breaks into an enormous grin and he steps forward to throw his arms around both of them, crushing them into a hug. 

“I’m so happy for you guys!” His voice breaks halfway through the sentence and when he straightens and faces them, his eyes are bright with tears. “I just love you both so much!” he says, laughing and brushing at his eyes. “Your song was amazing,” he finishes.

Barry can’t help grinning back at Magnus, his own eyes blinking rapidly.

“Thanks, Maggie!” Lup laughs.

“I knew it,” Merle says. 

“Sure you did, old man,” Taako tells Merle. He turns to face Barry. “Congrats. If my sister so much as looks sad I’m going to kill you. Probably as soon as you regen after  _ she _ kills you.”

“Taako,” Barry answers seriously, “I’d ask you to.”

Davenport clears his throat. “You two have some paperwork to fill out when we get back to the ship.”

“Seriously, Captain?”

Grinning, he shakes his head. “Of course not. Congratulations, both of you. Now can we get the light?”

The captain turns to Chancelor Marlow who’s been waiting nearby. “What do we need to do?”

“Well, you all had your works, um,” she throws a quick glance at Merle and then continues. “...um...  _ accepted.  _ So, just… try to go in,” she concludes with a gesture at the passage ahead of them.

Taako shrugs and adjusts his hat. “‘The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra,’” he pronounces, clearly quoting someone who’s not going to be able to dispute Taako’s claim on the words. “Cha’boi’s got this.” He walks confidently forward. There’s a flash of light and then Taako is walking back towards them. Stopping, he shrugs. “Cha’boi does not got this.”

Lucretia looks at everyone and without comment makes her attempt. She is reversed in a brilliant flash of light.

Davenport follows with the same result. Merle, looking confident, swaggers forward, looking shocked when he finds himself facing them once again. Magnus tries after Merle and he looks less surprised than the others had when he is reversed to return to the rest of the group.

Only a small fraction of Barry’s attention is devoted to following the proceedings. He’s much more concerned with the warm presence beside him, the smiles that Lup aims at him when they catch each other’s eyes, and the unmitigated pleasure of simply holding her hand in public without worry.

Then it’s their turn and Lup reluctantly pulls her fingers loose from his. She makes her attempt, returning to them a moment later after yet another flash of light from the cave.

Barry doesn’t expect anything different but tries nonetheless. Stepping forward, Lup rubs his shoulder encouragingly. There’s no muddled moment. From his perspective he’s walking forward and after the light flashes his view is no longer the cave ahead of him but the crew he just walked away from suddenly in front of him once more.

“Sorry,” he tells them as he returns to Lup’s side.

Barry is surprised at the frantic tone in the captain’s voice when Davenport speaks. “Well great, now what? The world’s boned in like, ten days unless we can get in there. Lup, can you just blow it up?”

Lup reacts with a laughing incredulence. Her eyebrows raise and ears go straight up. “Can I blow up… a mountain? I mean, yeah, but let’s, uh, let’s save that for last resort, okay?” Her tone is light, joking even, but her fingers squeeze Barry’s tightly.

Chancellor Marlow looks alarmed as she insists, “I’m gonna have to firmly request that you don’t blow up our  _ sacred mountain.” _

“We’re not going to…” Lucretia begins.

“Lose a mountain or lose  _ everything…” _ Davenport interrupts.

“We spent all  _ year _ working our asses off,” Merle points out. “And now…”

“Cap’n’port’s right,” Magnus says, stepping forward. “In ten days everything is going to be gone if we don’t get the light.”

“Okay,” Marlow says, looking flustered. “We can… let’s talk about this. Let’s… Look, let’s all calm down and think things through. We’ll, uh…” she looks around at the seven of them, runs her hands through her hair, then squares her shoulders. “We’ll have dinner and discuss things calmly.”

Davenport clenches his jaw then nods. 

 

—-

 

After an excellent dinner and a fruitless discussion, he and Lup return to their little house. 

“We should, uh, probably pack up,” Barry says as they climb the porch steps. 

“Yeah, we will,” Lup promises as she leads him into the house. She pulls his hand as he shuts the door behind them. “In the morning.”

Barry laughs and nods, letting her lead him up the stairs. “In the morning,” he agrees.

 

—-

 

They’re up early. In the months that they’ve shared their little house full of music, they’ve stayed up late working on their song and had slow mornings, catching up on sleep missed perfecting their music and lingering over coffee, usually sitting together on the back deck. But now, with the duet performed and the light still unclaimed, they’re up early and ready to go.

Despite nearly a year spent living here, gathering their belongings is a short chore. There are mostly clothes, a handful of books, and a few gifted trinkets between them. Otherwise it’s just her violin and the two of them. 

He pauses at the piano. The breeze through the open windows has caught pollen from the flowers, dusting the piano so much in the single day since he played it that it seems already long abandoned. “I wish I could fit this on the ship,” he tells her wistfully. “I’ll miss playing together.”

Lup comes to stand beside him, snaking one arm around him and leaning into him. “We’ll have this again,” she promises. “Our song won’t be forgotten and we will play it again. Somewhere. This song and new songs and...” her voice turns emphatic as she repeats, “We’ll have this again.”

He nods and smiles, turning to pull her against his chest. All the wistful, sad thoughts disappear when he looks at her, when he thinks about spending the rest of his life at her side. 

“Still no regrets?” he asks, before brushing his lips over her cheek. 

“That we don’t have more time here,” she answers, tilting her head for him as his ghosted kisses trail towards her neck. “But I wouldn’t change a thing.”

He presses a kiss into her skin and begins to straighten, then, laughing, whispers, “I don’t have to worry about evidence anymore,” and returns his mouth to her neck.

Lup’s fingers clutch at his shoulder and a shiver goes through her as his efforts pull up a bruise at the base of her throat. 

When he steps back and looks at her there’s an absolutely devilish smile on his face. 

“I’ll remind you that goes both ways, babe,” she laughs, shaking her head at his expression. “And you embarrass way more easily than I do.”

“Looking forward to it, Lup,” he says through his grin. He turns to gather a load of their belongings only to be tugged back by her hand in the pocket of his jeans.

“Oh, no, not yet,” she tells him. “Not before I get my turn.”

 

—-

 

The rest of the crew have started breakfast by the time they arrive. But they’ve gotten their things moved back to the ship despite the distraction of making out one last time in the little house full of flowers. 

Lup foregoes selecting food from the buffet set up at one end of the Conservatory lounge. Instead she pushes in at the table beside her brother and begins stealing food from his plate. Taako looks up, ready to complain and then spies the marks on her neck. He glances over his shoulder at Barry. Taako’s keen elven eyes must see the matching marks Lup has left on him because her twin loudly protests, “Oh, gods! I’m in hell! I did not need to see those!”

Laughing, Lup adjusts her collar to display them better and grabs a piece of bacon from his plate while Taako pulls his hat down over his eyes.

At the buffet, Barry picks up a plate but Magnus’s hand on his arm stops him.

“Hey, Mags,” Barry greets him brightly. “How’s it going?”

“Barry, the uh, light?” Magnus looks over his shoulder at the five others sitting together at a table by the window. His voice lowers. “It’s not in the mountain. I got in last night and… it’s not there.” He swallows and whispers quietly. “If we don’t find it we’re not gonna be able to save this world.”

“Oh, uh…” Barry glances over at Lup who looks back at him and winks. “Aww, shit. Umm. Okay. Well. Uh. I’m really sorry to hear that. I, uh, I’ll do a few laps around the world? See if I can’t figure somethin’ else out, but…” His eyes go back to Lup and she’s looking at him, one eyebrow raised and ears up, half smile still lighting her face. “Um, hey Lup? You wanna, uh, come help me find the light of creation? It wasn’t in the mountain.”

“Hell yeah!”

She grabs a piece of fruit from Taako’s plate before she stands, popping it into her mouth as she crosses the room.

Barry puts the plate back down and catches Lup’s hand. She leans in to kiss him and he tastes the pineapple she’s just eaten.

“Let’s go, handsome,” she tells him with a grin.

“What was that about the light?” Davenport asks as the two of them head back to the ship. 

“See y’all in a few days!” Lup calls over her shoulder.

 

—-

 

“Okay, babe, you get us in the air and I’ll go make something quick for us to eat while we look.”

Barry nods and heads to the bridge to ready them for take off. 

He’s just gotten the ship in the air when the stone of farspeech in his pocket chimes. He’s barely gotten it out of his pocket before Davenport’s voice informs him, “Merle and Taako are getting their students to look in this area so concentrate your search away from Legato.”

_ ‘They have students?’ _ Barry thinks but doesn’t bother interrupting the captain to ask. 

“Give it four days,” Davenport commands. 

“There’s still nine days left,” Barry says. 

“And if none of us finds it before then we’ll meet up and figure out a new plan.”

The connection cuts off before Barry can respond. He tucks the stone back into his pocket and aims the ship north, away from the Legato Conservatory and the mountain where they’d thought the light had been. 

“I was thinking about how we should do this.” Lup begins as she hands Barry a pancake rolled around a sausage. After years with the twins he recognizes it’s from the freezer both by the slightly damp texture of the pancake and the fact she simply didn’t have time to do more than reheat them. “Since we’ve got nine days left…”

“Four,” he says before taking a bite. “Davenport called and wants us back in four days.”

“Four?! Why?”

Barry shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s just what Dav said.”

Lup hops up beside the console to eat her pancake sausage roll. “You pick a direction?”

“Davenport said Merle and Taako have students?” he shakes his head. “They’re going to cover around the Legato area so I’m heading north to start with.”

She nods and swallows her bite. “Unsurprisingly, Taako gathered a following. I guess Merle did too somehow?” She shrugs. “North sounds good. Lots of open space up there. Though... we didn’t see it at the beginning of the year before we ended up at Legato.”

“True, but I figured it was the easiest to eliminate before that big swath of forest to the north east. Think the scanner will do any good?”

“Certainly worth a try but, no, I think it needs more work. Maybe if we could get the damn light early one year we could find a way to calibrate it.” She sighs and offers the last bite of her roll to him. “I’ll make us something better for lunch while we run the scanner.”

Barry adjusts a few settings and checks the readouts on various gauges and screens. “I’ll take us north for another half an hour then drop the speed and lock heading for us to start looking.”

“Sounds good, babe.” She hops up and wraps her arms around him. “Guess I’ll go start looking.”

It’s unlikely that the light will be this close to the conservatory, but Barry kisses her then reluctantly lets her go take a watch.

It’s strange how  _ normal  _ this feels. He’s steering a spaceship, his brilliant, wonderful, beautiful, amazing girlfriend is nearby, and it feels  _ normal.  _ Fifty years ago all of this would have blown his mind. But then again, fifty years ago he’d have expected to be dead at this point. 

Well, technically he’s done that too. More than a few times.

Even those morbid thoughts can’t penetrate his happiness. 

When Lup kissed him after the whole thing with the ice cream he’d thought there was no better feeling in the multiverse. But the simple way she’d called “hell yeah!” in front of everyone when he asked if she wanted to come look for the light with him has lit him up inside. He’s loved her for so long, even begun to adjust to the miracle of her loving him back, but the rest of the crew knowing and things between them still so good and unaffected? He’s so thankful. 

He’s never going to get over this feeling.

 

—-

 

“Whatcha doing, Bluejeans?” 

Barry looks up. Lup is leaning against the frame of the door leading back into the ship from the deck, watching him.

He grins, suddenly embarrassed. “Uh, how long have you been watching?”

“Long enough to see you struggling with that air mattress.” She grins and adds, “But not so long that it’s mean that I didn’t help you.”

“Well, uh, it was supposed to be a surprise.”

The deck is set up with an air mattress and all the pillows and blankets from his room. He’s drug the low table out from the common room and put a bottle of wine in a bucket of ice for them. There’s a glass full of flowers he snuck onto the ship while they were setting up the scanner for testing in a field earlier. 

“It  _ is _ a surprise,” she tells him. “Did you get those flowers…”

“When you went back for the cable we were missing, yeah.” He’s crouched beside the mattress trying to hook a too small fitted sheet on the corners of the mattress. Feeling awkward, he stands up, clutching the material in his hand. Suddenly, he’s all too aware it doesn’t look like the romantic scene he’d envisioned.

She steps forward and pulls the sheets out of his hands. “This is wonderful.  _ You’re _ wonderful.”

“Hey, uh, that’s a coincidence cause I think you’re the wonderful one, Lup.”

She flips the sheet out and then smooths it over the mattress, leaving the the edges loose. She sits and leans back, reaching her hand up towards him, inviting him to join her.

Barry awkwardly lowers himself to the mattress, feeling like all of this is new again. He pauses on his knees and sits back on his heels. “Lup, I want this forever.” Abruptly he’s blinking back tears that have erupted out of nowhere.

“Hey,” she says, concerned. She pulls him forward into her arms. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he says around a sniffle. “I don’t know where that came from. I just… Lup, I love you so much and I’m so fucking  _ happy, _ you know? I don’t… I don’t know how to deal with this much happiness.”

“Fuck,” she says, laughing, “That’s both the saddest and sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

He chuckles and nods, “Yeah, sorry.”

“Barry? Shhh. That’s like, your whole brand, babe.”

He groans and flops back on the mattress. “Sad but sweet? Sweet but sad? That doesn’t sound great.”

Lup lays herself across him, folding her arms on his chest and resting her chin on her hands as she studies him. “No, not sad really.” 

She’s quiet for a moment and he idly runs his fingers along her side, ghosting his knuckles over the bare patch of skin where her shirt has pulled up. 

“I’m not sure what it was, really. You just always had this way of putting your head down and disappearing into yourself. But I guess ‘sad’ isn’t the way to describe it.”

Barry nods. He thinks about the huge swath of years lost to that tendency. But can he really fault anything in his past when his path led him to be here beside her? 

Lup rolls off him and tucks herself under his arm, both of them looking up at the darkening sky. “I know we need to look for the light - the dark will make it easier, obviously - but I really want to just snuggle here for a minute first, okay?”

Shifting, Barry settles on his side, arm still around her but angled to look at her. In the gathering twilight, he studies her profile, the scattering of freckles he’s memorized, and the way the light breeze tugs strands from the braid she’s forced her wayward hair into. “Lup? I absolutely second that plan.”

 

—-

 

He wakes up. The view his blurry vision provides hasn’t even resolved itself into understanding before he’s struggling to sit up because he’s alone.

“Hey, babe,” Lup says. “I put your glasses on the coffee table.”

Squinting in the direction of her voice he makes out a vaguely Lup-shaped blur.  _ The deck, _ he remembers. They slept on the deck. He fumbles on the table he’d brought out until he locates his glasses and pulls them on. 

“There’s my girl,” he says, smiling now that he can see her. “You’re up early.” They’d stayed up most of the night looking over the railing, hoping for signs of the light in the darkness and just talking. He blushes. “Sorry I fell asleep on you.”

“S’okay, babe, you humans can’t help that whole eight hour nonsense.”

“I seem to, uh, recall someone else that’s a fan of that ‘eight hour nonsense’ as you call it.” He stands, rubbing a hand over the light stubble he’s grown after two days of not shaving.

She waves a dismissive hand and turns back to look over the railing. “I just like snuggling my bear.”

He’s barefoot, clad only in loose pajama pants and his glasses, but he goes over behind her and wraps his arms around her. Tucking his chin onto her shoulder he murmurs, “Gotta say I’m a big fan of that too.”

She settles her arms on top of his where they circle her waist and leans her head against his. “I meditated a few hours then put us on a slow cruise to the northeast. Still nothing.”

He frowns. “Should we bother trying to setup the scanner again today?”

For a moment the only reply is her fingers stroking lightly over the back of his hands. “No,” she answers finally. “I just don’t think it’s worth it. Needs more work.” She sighs. “More time with the light to test it, mostly.”

“Yeah,” he agrees.

“Do you think we’re going to find it in time?”

It’s a question he’s been pretty successful in not asking himself but, for Lup, he considers it at last. It’s not looking good, that’s for certain. He’s reminded of last cycle, of the desperate scramble he and Lup went on following leads Gheesan and Selba. Their friends had used every advantage, had often paid dearly in order for them to capture the light. And they had. But only at the last possible moment. As always, the thought of Gheesan and Selba makes him send up another hope to any listening deities that the pair are safe, their planar system still free of the Hunger’s endless appetite. 

He squeezes his arms around her, “I hope so. We managed last year, right? We can do it again.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he has a familiar sinking feeling in his gut. They won’t find it.

“Babe?” Lup asks, twisting to look at him. “You okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” he says, loosening the arms he realizes he unconsciously pulled too tight around her. “I’m, uh, I’m gonna grab a shower real fast and then I’ll come take watch and you can have a break. That okay?”

She catches his hand as he starts to move away. Her eyebrows pull down for a moment as she studies him then she nods, “I’m good, take your time.”

Barry steps back towards her and kisses her temple. “Need anything first?” 

Before he can move away again, she steals a quick kiss of her own. “Wanna refill my coffee first?” she asks with a grin.

He smiles back, “Sure thing.” 

Grabbing her mug from the table, he pauses and returns for another, less brief kiss. “Love you,” he whispers.

She runs her fingers over the scruff of beard that’s starting to come in and for a moment they just stand close together, enjoying the quiet moment near each other.

He breaks the silence first. “Should I shave?”

She tilts her head and studies his jaw. “Up to you, babe. I like both.”

“Maybe I’ll leave it for the rest of the cycle then,” he says, scrubbing the back of his fingers on his jaw. “But let me know if it bothers you, okay?”

She laughs and nods, “You know I will. But at the moment I kinda like it.” Then she turns back to watching over the railing, looking for the light. 

A few moments later he brings her refilled mug and snags another kiss before heading to his room for clean clothes.

The thought of not finding the light here - of not saving this place that has meant so much to them - guts him. It’s hard every time they can’t stop the Hunger. Even bad years, places full of terrible times, worlds of people or creatures who have hurt and even killed them, years like the one with the awful, awful months of Lup’s empty face looking back at him… even those sit like regrets that they hadn’t been able to prevent the Hunger consuming more systems. 

As he stands under the stream of water, a parade of faces fill his thoughts. Chancellor Marlow. Their teachers. The realtor who showed him the little home he and Lup stayed in. Kelsley, the woman who sold him the flowers. The red haired boy he ran into again and again, always singing… something. Every nervous, excited, disappointed, and triumphant face. All the dogs Magnus pointed out to him in the dog park. So many lives.

He wants to hold hope for them but that sick feeling in his gut is insistent. 

As he lathers his hair he considers going back to the deck and dragging Lup away from the railing and enjoying every moment they can before this cycle ends and is gone. They could go back to their little house. They could find some picturesque place to camp out the final days. They could just wander together like tourists instead of continuing this fruitless hunt.

But he can’t do that. His premonitions never leave room for argument but continuing to look for the light won’t be working  _ against _ it so that’s what he’ll do. Even if he was working against it, he’d have to do his damnedest to try. It’s who he is. He can’t just give up. 

And then there’s Lup, of course. He can’t fathom trying to tell her there’s a voice inside him telling him to give up on this world, on all these lives, a definitive and insistent kind of  _ knowing _ that isn’t just him thinking the worst.

He does need to tell her about those. He’s never had that conversation with anyone before, tries not to even admit it to himself. But this thing with Lup is different, better,  _ more. _ He doesn’t want there to be secrets between them. They’ll talk about it soon, when the fate of a whole planar system doesn’t feel tied up with it. 

Barry takes a deep breath and rinses his hair. Suds circle the drain before disappearing into the plumbing where they’ll be filtered again and again until clean and reusable. 

Anyway. Until the cycle is over, he can hope that this time that voice is wrong. 


	40. Olly Olly Oxen Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All right. All wrong. Alright. Cycle 47 concludes.

The plate of food sitting between them has barely been touched. Lup is too busy talking to her brother, caught in an argument about something that happened in a caravan they worked in. Barry is just enjoying sitting next to Lup, having breakfast with the rest of his family, and holding her hand, at least when she’s not using it to emphasize her points with gestures.

When he’d filled his plate from the buffet, Barry had unconsciously been in the same mode he’s operated in for years. He picked out his food and headed to the table where everyone had gathered. It was only when he started to sit at the end and Lup gave him a _look_ that he realized. He grinned and went and took his place beside her. She immediately swiped a chunk of fruit from his plate, popping it into her mouth in the breath between sentences, not slowing down for a moment.

All he can do is grin and feel like everything is right with the world: he’s sitting with his family, beside Lup, the twins squabbling over some detail and calling each other names. This isn’t the first time Lup has snagged food from his plate. It doesn’t take being in a relationship to make someone’s plate fair game to the twins. But it _is_ different somehow. It’s all different and perfect and wonderful.

Until the sky goes dark and the color drains from the world around them.

“Bug out, we’re up in the air in two minutes,” Davenport tells them, already up and running for the door.

It hits Barry right in the gut. He’d forgotten. Once again he was so caught in his personal happiness that the fate of this world - of this entire planar system - just faded right out of his mind. Lup’s fingers find his and tighten then they’re up and moving too.

“Lup?”

The two of them turn as one to see Magnus paused, looking at them with an intensity they haven’t seen from him often. He’s at the edge of the veranda, heading away from the ship.

“Don’t. Leave. Without me.”

“What are you… Why?” She laughs but it’s an icy, nervous laugh.

Lup looks up at the blackness that has descended too fast, too completely. Usually it’s a slow and sneaky process, subtle enough to miss if you aren’t paying attention. This time it was like turning out a light. She licks her lips and gestures up as she tells him, “We need to get… We need to… We gotta bounce. Look up. Look up, bud. It’s, it’s the Big H. It’s time to roll.”

“Do you remember with the ro-bits? And you stopped us all from doing something terrible?”

Startled, she answers, “Yeah?”

“I’m stopping you all.” He’s already moving again, walking backwards as he demands, “Don’t. Leave. Without me.” Then he’s off, running, heading away from the direction of the ship at full sprint.

Lup turns to Barry and pulls out her wand. Wordlessly, he finds his own wand and nods to her.

She turns back to the others. “Um, looks like we need to hold off the apocalypse for a few minutes… buy some time. Y’all down?”

Taako pulls out the wand he had tucked into his hat. “Hell yeah!”

Merle shakes his head with a chuckle. “Yeah, we haven’t fought shit in like a month.”

“Old man, other than rhythm and good taste, what have you been fighting this year?” Lup asks.

The cleric pulls out his familiar holy book and waves the question off. “Time’s relative,” he tells her.

She glances at Barry and shrugs. Her expression changes abruptly and she blasts a spell over Barry’s shoulder. He turns to see one of the Hungers scouts has a Fire Bolt-sized hole blown through it, it’s form disintegrating outward from the wound.

“Keep a path clear for him!” Lup yells.

And then they’re too busy firing off spells to discuss the situation. It’s even more of a struggle than usual. Last year he and Lup had been climbing with Selba and Gheesan when the Hunger arrived. But in the time it took for the darkness to fully descend, they’d had time to spot the light, split up to recover it, and still get on the ship.

Time. That’s what they need now.

He’s between Lup and Taako, both twins shooting spells faster than he can track. Ray of Frost erupts from his own wand, taking out scouts and knocking holes in the black pillars that appear around them as the Hunger readies to swallow this plane.

But his attention is elsewhere. He’s thinking of that moment last year when they were out of time, surrounded by the Hunger, with no way to get the light out.

Maybe Magnus had some sudden insight on the light and has gone to claim it. If so, then there’s still a chance they can save this reality. The chance will be even better if he can just pull off another spell like last year.

“Does Magnus know where the light is?” he yells.

“Who knows,” Taako responds. He dodges the shadowy hand of something vaguely tree shaped with a complicated duck and roll then surges to his feet to burn a spell slot on the thing in retaliation. With his attacker obliterated, he stands and straightens his hat before shrugging. “Maybe? He and Lucretia have both been squirrelly while you two were honeymooning.”

“Where _is_ Lucretia?” Lup asks. “She was here a minute ago.”

“Watch out!” Merle yells and the three of them turn in sync to see a giant, shadowy crab lunge one color flecked black claw at them. The thing is enormous, easily big enough to crush the three of them in it’s pincer.

Barry lunges forward, wand crackling with force. He casts instinctively. A golden light explodes from the wand in his hand, knocking the crab up and back, legs skittering for purchase. It lands and, with a pop, disappears.

“Did you just fucking _Banish_ that thing?” Taako yells. “Where did you send it?”

“I have no idea!” Barry grabs Lup’s arm with his free hand. “But clear out in case it comes back.”

The four of them continue fighting, inching their way towards the lake where the Starblaster is parked. There’s still no sight of Magnus. Or Lucretia. Davenport has the engines cycling full force. The ship is practically straining to take off. The cargo loading hatch and everything other than the simple narrow gangplank have been closed and secured.

“Come on!” Davenport yells. “I will absolutely take off without you!”

“NO!” Lup screams. “We’re waiting for Magnus! If you take off without him I’m dumping your tea overboard as soon as we regen!”

“Dammit, Lup, we don’t have time…”

“We! Are! Waiting!”

There’s no response from the captain but even the silence seems to carry his irritation with them.

Taako spots Magnus and Lucretia, tiny figures emerging from the path leading to the performance space and the mountain caves. “There they are!”

They’re too far away with too many dark shapes between them and the ship.

“Babe? Think you can pull off another one of those ‘olly olly oxen free’ spells again?”

“I’ve been trying to figure it out,” Barry answers. “I still don’t know what I did.”

“Now would be a great time to figure it out, Barold!” Taako shrieks as the shadow crab pops back into existence once more, separating them from Magnus and Lucretia.

“Light it the fuck up,” Lup mutters. Fire pours from her wand, a brilliant stream of magic that sculpts itself around the crab.

“Crab cakes for five fuckin’ million!” Taako cackles. “A bit burnt, though, Lulu!”

“Good!” she answers.

A feral grin lights her face as the crab disintegrates and Barry can’t help but smile as well. Dear all the little baby gods, he loves this woman so much.

He tells her so. “Gods above, Lup, I love you something fierce.”

“Love you, too, Bluejeans,” she tells him, throwing him a grin that could outshine the combined light of their homeworld’s two suns. “Get me that spell, though, ‘kay?”

“As you wish,” he promises.

Still with no clear idea of what he’s doing, he just thinks of that moment last cycle, of Lup hauling the light, of the Hunger surrounding them, of the Starblaster too far away, of Gheesan and Selba across the tiny valley and just as surrounded. And then, because they once again need it, because the Hunger surrounds them, because Magnus begged them not to leave without him, because he can feel Davenport’s silent demand that they hurry, and _because Lup asked him to,_ Barry closes his eyes and - with all those things held in his head and in his heart - thinks _Stop._

Dimly, he hears the twins cheering, Merle mumbling something he doesn’t spare the concentration to parse, and then the rushed sound of running feet and heavy breathing.

“Go, go, go, go, GO!” Magnus is yelling. Taako catches the chant. Their voices are moving away and Barry realizes they must be climbing the gangplank onto the ship. He opens his eyes and glances back at the Starblaster. Pillars that look like they grew from ink and smoke and the blackest heart of despair have connected all around them but they’re all frozen - the pillars, the scouts, all the forces of the Hunger halted for this moment.

Barry doesn’t move. His arms are up, hands splayed, and he can swear he feels pressure feeding back into his palms as the Hunger fights back against the force holding it in place.

“Go!” he tells Lup, gritting his teeth. Every muscle he has is tensed under the strain of maintaining the spell. “I’ll hold it.”

“Hmmm mmmm” she tells him.

She raises her wand again and begins blasting the things around the ship. And then he can’t do anything but concentrate on holding his spell as his arms begin to shake from the power pushing back against his spell.

That’s all he knows in those final moments of the Legato Conservatory: the screaming engines of the Starblaster strains to tear loose of the frozen shadows grasping at it, his determination to hold this spell and give his family time to get out, and the heat of Lup’s magic beside him burning with her own special intensity. Side by side, the two of them fight until the moment their bodies dissolve into threads of light, pulling up, up, and up, to be remade, reformed on the ship with their family once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s title, "Olly Olly Oxen Free," obviously comes from the children's game catchphrase. When coming up with a way for Lup to refer to Barry’s spell, I pictured kids playing tag and the "Everybody Freeze!" part that some rules included. Then I thought of "olly olly oxen free" and, curious about the specific usage, looked it up.
> 
> "Olly olly oxen free is a catchphrase used in children's games such as hide and seek, capture the flag, and kick the can to indicate that players who are hiding can come out into the open without losing the game, that the position of the sides in a game has changed, or, alternatively, that the game is entirely over."
> 
> "...that the position of the sides in a game has changed..."
> 
> Also? That spell that Barry hits the crab with? That would be Banishing Smite, a paladin only spell. I maintain Barry is truly outside all D&D classes and can cast anything he understands other than healing spells. (I specifically went looking for a paladin only spell... because reasons.)
> 
> (This is the "short" version of the behind the scenes on this chapter. Should you be interested in more information/reasoning or simply want to yell about blupjeans, my tumblr is @youhearstatic.)


	41. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of unexpected events in cycle 48.

Barry should be in the lab, or at least on the ship with Lup, figuring out how this jellyfish thing Magnus rescued has managed to stay with them through regen.

Fisher - as Magnus has dubbed it - certainly seems to have plenty of intelligence, far beyond the level they assumed was the threshold. But it’s not something they’ve been able - or wanted - to test since they have no idea what happened to the people that didn’t come with them between planar systems. Losing people once was enough, even if they’d done it for lack of other options.

That mystery isn’t what he’s working on today, though. Instead, he’s with Taako. When Taako asked him to come with him on this scouting mission, Barry was too surprised to say anything other than “Sure.” In the nearly fifty years he’s known him, Taako has never asked him for much more than “hand me the thing” or “move” that Barry can remember.

They’ve been walking for a couple hours - working their way through a sparsely forested area where they thought they’d seen the light land - when Barry realizes: he’s about to get the shovel talk.

“Um, Taako? If, uh, if you wanted the chance to threaten me on Lup’s behalf, um, you kinda already did that. Remember the whole ‘kill you after you regen from her killing you’ thing?”

“Nah,” Taako says, sounding unconcerned. “I didn’t ask you to come just to threaten you.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

Barry comes to a stop, pulls out his canteen, and takes a long drink.

Taako drifts to a halt as well and looks around. He swats at some weedy looking grass that comes up to his hip. The way he bats at it reminds Barry of a cat and he smiles at the image.

The only sound is the peculiar chittery noise of some kind of bug. It’s gotten more noticeable as the afternoon light has lengthened.

Finally, Barry asks, “So, uh, why did you want me to come?” He coughs and rephrases, “Instead of like, Lup or someone, I mean.”

The angle of Taako’s pointed ears are the only thing that give away his agitation. They flick back at Barry’s question then angle upwards.

“Barold, can’t a guy just…” Taako begins, his voice imperious, then his shoulders drop and he shrugs. A sigh that sounds impossibly exhausted follows and when he speaks again it’s in a much softer tone as he asks, “Is...uh… is the thing with you and Lup why you’ve been avoiding me?”

Barry’s mouth opens and closes a few times before he produces any words. “Uh, I… Yeah. Yeah, I… I guess so.” He frowns. “I’m sorry, Taako. I didn’t realize I was doing that, but yeah. I…” He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a rush. “I guess… I guess I knew you’d figure it out and… I’m sorry, Taako. We weren’t ready to deal with… Everybody knowing just seemed like such a _thing._ You know? And we wanted to figure it out for ourselves before… It-Taako, it wasn’t on purpose. It was still shitty of me, though.”

Taako adjusts the cuff of his sleeve and nods. “Yeah.” Then he squares his shoulders. “Anyway, you’re right. Cha’boy would have seen right through you. I mean, I’ve certainly _known_ for fuckin’ long enough. The cycle on the beach was thirty fuckin’ years ago.” He waves his hand and starts walking again. “Anyway, Lulu and I… we play our cards pretty close to our well tailored vests. You…” he cuts a look back over his shoulder at Barry. “From you? It surprised me.”

They continue walking. Barry is lost in thought, this time not about the light or the strange jellyfish-like creature that now lives with them on the ship. Instead, he’s considering everything Taako has said.

“Hey, Taako?”

“Yeah?” His voice is his normally disinterested tone but the elf’s ears flick twice before settling at their _listening_ angle.

“I was so worried about spilling the secret or being a problem between you and Lup that… well, I kinda didn’t think about the thing with me and Lup messing things up with you and me. I… Taako, I really hope it hasn’t.” He reaches for Taako’s arm, lightly pulling him to turn and face him. “You’re my best friend, Taako. I mean, other than Lup, of course. But… If I’ve fucked that up then…”

“We’re good,” Taako interrupts, shrugging it off. “I just…” He turns away but not before Barry sees his eyebrows pull down and mouth go flat. “...wanted to make sure that’s all it was.”

Barry wants to pull him into a hug, talk the point out, make sure Taako knows how important he is to him. He doesn’t want to push it, though.

Instead, all he says is, “Thanks, Taako.”

They start walking once more. The afternoon feels lighter now with the topic dealt with.

Evening is coming on fast and Barry hopes it will make it easier to spot the light. It has to be in this area, they saw it fall quite close this time.

“She’s happy,” Taako says. “Both of us have…” Pausing to adjust his hat and tug the brim lower over his eyes, the two of them stop walking. “Our track record with guys? It’s not great. And usually I hate her boyfriends and she hates mine.”

Taako stops again and peels off his IPRE robe and jacket. He pulls his wand out of one of the pockets and aims it at the items. With a murmured spell, he transforms the items into a pair of hair clips that he snaps into place in his hair under the edge of his pointy hat. Then he tucks his wand into his belt and begins walking again.

“She’s happy?” he asks. “I mean…” He’s not sure exactly what he means. He’s seen that she’s happy - he just hadn’t considered that being with him or not being with him has had much to do with it.

“Taako, I love her so much. I can’t believe she loves me too.”

Without pausing his stride, Taako responds, “You’re a lucky guy.”

“The luckiest,” Barry says earnestly.

 

—-

 

Walking down the hallway to his room, Barry’s only thought is of grabbing clothes for a shower and hopefully finding Lup for some snuggling. He and Magnus spent the day exploring a crater they’d passed on an earlier flyover. He’s tired and dirty and frustrated.

He opens his door and he’s already stripping off his robe as soon as his hand is off the door.

Lup is there, hanging the violin up on the hooks where it lived so long.

Heart in his throat, he can barely manage the word, “Lup?”

“Hey,” she says, looking surprised. “I thought you guys were camping out there tonight.”

“We… no…” He swallows, terrified to ask the question he has to ask. “What are you…” He closes his eyes and forces out the words. “Are you giving that back again?”

“What? Oh, babe, no!”

He opens his eyes as she wraps her arms around him. “Barry, of course not.” Arms still tucked under his she pulls back to look at him. “The, uh… the opposite, actually. I moved in.”

For a moment all he can do is look at her and blink. “Really?” he asks.

“Yeah, that’s…” Now it’s her turn to look nervous. “That’s okay, right?”

Crushing her in a hug he’s grinning and crying. “Oh gods, Lup, of _course_ it’s okay. It’s great!”

“Are you okay?” she asks. There’s a hesitant smile on her face but her eyebrows are pulled up in worry.

“Yeah, sorry. Shit, Lup, I thought you were breaking up with me. I almost had a heart attack.” He laughs, still crying. They stumble towards the bed together and he sits, pulling her into his lap.

He lets out a heavy breath and wipes his eyes. “Sorry. Wow, it was a long day.”

“Yeah, we were expecting you guys back tomorrow. Everything okay? Magnus alright?”

“He’s fine.” Barry scrubs his hand over his stubbled jaw, unconsciously rubbing Lup’s back. “We saw the light land. Twice.”

“What?”

He shakes his head. “It must be some trick of the atmosphere here. There were some weird gas concentrations at high levels in our initial air quality testing but none of them were dangerous or appeared at lower levels.”

Exhaustion settling over him again after his adrenaline rush of fear earlier, he looks at her and his shoulders sag. “I was thinking about it the whole hike back. I think it’s something about that and the angle we were at in that crater. Some kind of aurora borealis type effect.”

Running her knuckles over his cheek, she asks. “Do you think that’s why it seemed like it landed in the forest a few weeks back then we never found anything?”

He nods.

“Damn,” she says. “At least there’s no people here.”

“Lot of wildlife though,” he answers quietly.

“Yeah.”

They don’t speak, just sit together in the quiet company of each other.

“Oh, fuck, Lup, I’m sorry. I’m filthy. I was going to go straight and take a shower but…”

“Hey, it’s fine, babe.” Then she smiles.

Barry is constantly finding new, more expansive ways he loves her. Like that hint of nerves when she asked if it was okay that she moved into his room. This sly smile and her words after adds a little bit more love to the already expansive depths he has for her.

“Come on, Barold. Let’s go take a shower. I’ll wash your hair for you.”

The bone deep exhaustion fades in the light of that smile. He kisses her and stands, lifting her in his arms.

She giggles and clings to his neck. “I take it that’s a yes, then?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”


	42. A New Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad luck finds them again, setting the foundation for a new project.

The cycles following the year at the Legato Conservatory are just as fraught as so many others but the worlds could have been all lava and wasps and still not gotten Barry and Lup down. They do try to spare the rest of the crew from too much of it but they are simply happy, absolutely in love. They work as hard as ever but they are rarely very far apart.

Another half dozen cycles after their duet they are on a mostly unremarkable world. This planet is uninhabited beyond small areas of civilization dotting the landscape. They are lucky enough to track the Light when it appears. It lands in one of the many wide swaths filled with little more than thick vegetation and they recover it easily. 

After gathering the light, Taako and Lup decide to head to one of the cities to try to rustle up supplies for the ship. Lucretia and Merle join them. 

Still hoping to find some way to track the light in cycles when they don’t see it’s trajectory, Barry wants to gather samples from various areas of the vegetation circling the place they’d recovered the light. Chasing this theory hasn’t paid off yet but he still hopes for clear enough results to found a breakthrough. Magnus offers to assist Barry if Davenport will pilot for them and stay with the ship.

Lup faces Barry, hands linked on both sides of them as she kisses him. “You sure you don’t need help? I don’t mind coming with you.”

“It’s okay. You and Taako need some twin time.”

“Well, then why don’t you come with us.”

“You need some Lup and Taako and not Barry time,” he says with a smile.

“Pssh. Luce and Merle’ll be there. One Barold wouldn’t make much difference.”

“Thanks.”

She rolls her eyes but then squeezes his hands, “You know what I mean, babe.”

“I do,” he agrees, giving her that soft, sweet smile that she elicits in him so often. “You guys have fun, though. Magnus and I can handle it. And then we’ll see you for dinner.”

Sighing, she nods. “Okay.”

They kiss and his resolve almost breaks. Yes, there’s work to be done but then again there’s Lup, love of his abnormally long life, and pulling free of her orbit for even a single day is difficult to choose.

Pulling loose from his hands, Lup exits the ship with the rest of the crew heading to town. “You boys be careful out there,” she calls, aiming finger guns at Magnus. “See you soon.”

 

—-

 

And that’s the first cycle in several years that one of the crew dies.

 

—-

 

Magnus and Barry spend most of the day collecting samples. They work well together. Magnus is careful with his collecting and labeling, following Barry’s directions exactly. They wander in different directions, staying in contact via their stones of far speech.

It’s a different dynamic than working with Lup or with Taako or with anyone else. Barry will become absorbed in his work, in marking his samples or trying to detect any difference in the plants the closer they get to the location where the light arrived. It was only two days exposure, but he’s still hopeful.

Then Magnus will contact him over the stone to ask a really insightful question - “Would the timing of the light landing in the plant’s reproductive cycle make a difference with how quickly changes appear? Would exposure be bigger if it started at pollination?”

“Shit, Mags, that’s an excellent point.”

Even an hour later he’s still considering this point. They can only make assumptions about the plant cycles on this planet - does a lack of flowering mean this isn’t whatever this world has for spring? Or do plants just not work that way here?

From there he’s thinking about talking to Lup about it, how her feedback helps him and his helps her and what a great team they make in the lab. Then he’s thinking how lucky he is to have her to work with. Everyone has put in time helping with lab work but in Lup he’s found the perfect collaborator. 

Of course that thought leads to thoughts of how well they mesh in other areas. How lucky he is to share an entire life with her. 

It’s a simple mistake. He stumbles on a fallen branch, overcorrects, and steps down someplace he would have avoided if he’d had the chance. The ground is heaved up here, a loose, dark pile of dirt that looks like an overgrown anthill. He’s already stepping away, moving back quickly from the squashed mound. 

Pale, waxy looking bugs with thin, sparkling wings, erupt from the spot, boiling up from the disturbed earth in streams so thick and fluid they seem like running water.

He runs. It’s too late. In the split second it took him to realize what has happened, recognize what these things are, they’re on him. He gets some distance but they’re biting, first covering any exposed skin, then working their way into his open collar, his loose shirt cuffs. He and Magnus had both secured their pants legs before hiking out but that was against a few stray bugs not a determined swarm. So many bugs, all biting him. His system is awash in poison and it’s only a few steps before his legs lock up and he crashes to the ground. 

_ ‘Magnus,’ _ he thinks. He has to warn him. 

Struggling to pull his stone out of his robe pocket, he drops it. Pain is lancing through him now and still the bugs are biting, more of them covering him. He shakes his head, manages to clear some from his face, and grabs the stone. The muscles of his fingers are difficult to control and his thumb hits the Broadcast All button. There’s no time to do anything else, he barely had the dexterity to get the button pressed. For a moment, nausea overtakes the pain. Lup will hear this.

He steels his voice as best he can and speaks. “Magnus, stay back. Just…” The effort of speaking sets off a new round of misery. There’s a pained groan and Barry’s voice is noticeably weaker when he speaks again. “Get back to the ship, Magnus.”

Focusing on relevant information, Barry tells them, “Boil bugs. Uh. Found a whole nest.” Barry’s normally rough voice sounds like it’s been run through a grater. With perfect clarity the stone broadcasts his labored breathing as more and more of his body begins to shut down.

With Barry holding the broadcast open one way, none of them can respond.

“Lup,” Barry gasps, “I love you something fierce.” His voice is barely a whisper now. “See you soon, babe.”

 

—-

 

When they leave the plane and are reset by the glowing fibers of the bond engine, they all turn expectantly towards Barry. And there he is, healthy and whole in his robe and denim pants. 

Lup tackles him, sobbing. “You absolute asshole,” she tells him between tears and kisses. “I told you to be careful. Can’t you follow simple directions?”

“I’m sorry, babe,” he manages to tell her before she kisses him again.

Lucretia coughs and the rest of the crew make themselves scarce while Davenport pretends he is invisible as he guides the Starblaster down into the next plane.

 

—-

 

The crew settles at the large meeting table on the upper level for their regular beginning-of-cycle meeting. Taako takes a moment to blink, scattering their ethereal plane audience. He returns and drops into a chair with a weary, put-upon sounding, “They’re gone.”

Barry and Lup are the last to settle, arranging themselves together in a single chair between Taako and Magnus. 

While Merle gives his report, Barry devotes half his attention to the newest information gleaned from his parley with ‘John’ and the rest to offering Lup all the comfort and reassurance he can. 

He can feel Magnus’s repeated glances beside him, as well. They’ll have to have a conversation. Of course the security officer feels responsible for what happened, irrational as it may be.

“He’s not getting much better at chess,” Merle tells them with a snort of laughter. 

“Really?” Davenport asks, a note of surprise in his voice.

“Yeah.” Merle looks thoughtful. “That first time, few years back? I’ll admit it. He won. But I won the next two. This year we ended in stalemate. Then he insisted on another game - didn’t even get to the questions, he just wanted to play chess. And I won that one pretty easily.”

“He’s swallowed how many worlds? There’s gotta be a lot of chess champions in there, right? And he’s not just Bobby Fischer-ing you?”

“The squid knows how to play chess?” Merle asks.

“Not  _ Fisher,” _ Taako begins, then shakes his head and drops the point. “Does that mean he can’t access the people he eats or is this some kind of weird serial killer etiquette shit?”

Merle shrugs. “I don’t fuckin’ know.” He strokes his beard for a moment, tugging at the hair with each pass. “Actually, yeah, probably so. It’d be rude, somehow. Cheating.”

“Killing you isn’t rude?” Lucretia asks, incredulous.

“Eh, not to him, no.”

“Well, that’s good to know. Not sure of the tactical usefulness since this ‘etiquette’ probably just applies within the bounds of parley.” Davenport says with a frown.“So what was his question this time?”

Merle laughs. He tries to answer but each time the words get away from him as the laughter continues. Wiping his eyes he finally manages, “Got him good with this one,” he tells them. “He asked about this song that…” 

Going silent, Merle looks up at the ceiling for a moment, a frown slowly taking over his face. Then his face clears and he shrugs. “Well, ain’t that the damnedest thing. I can’t remember now. Anyway. Cycle before last I was humming some song while we were playing chess and it bothered him all year. So his question was something about that.”

“And what did you ask him?” Lup asks.

“I asked where he learned to play chess.”

Taako and Magnus groan in unison.

“Well, that’s just a huge tactical advantage isn’t it? Knowing where he learned chess. Was it at evil asshole school?” Taako asks.

“No. His uncle taught him.”

The room is quiet. Magnus exchanges a look with the Captain.

“Merle,” Magnus begins, “I mean… I guess it does prove the point he was just a guy. But… Every year you go sacrifice yourself to have this conversation. You let him  _ kill you _ again and again. Shouldn’t we get something more out of this?”

“You’re right,” Merle answers. He stands up, leans his hands on the table. Standing actually costs him in height but his expression makes up for it. “You’re absolutely right, Mags. I sacrifice myself. I let him kill  _ me. _ So unless you wanna take over? I guess we do this my way.”

“Look, I’m just saying…”

“Oh, that’s right. You  _ can’t _ take over. I’m the only one who knows how to do this.”

Magnus’s mouth tightens briefly. Then he nods. “Alright. I’m sorry, Merle.”

Expression clearing, Merle nods back. “Sure, Maggie,” he says pleasantly as he returns to his chair.

Davenport turns to Barry. “Thanks for the warning on the bugs. We definitely would have blundered into them and, uh, had more losses.”

Over the course of the Merle’s report, Lup had slowly shifted to pay more attention to the proceedings. Davenport’s words make her arm tighten around him once more, though. 

Taako must catch the shift as well. He scoots his chair closer and winds his fingers with his sister’s free hand. 

Rubbing her back, Barry throws Taako an appreciative look. It makes it easier remembering she had her brother last year. He knows she’s strong and capable but just thinking of being without her for a few days makes his stomach twist. Ten months? He hates he was gone so long.

“Yeah, uh,” he turns to Magnus. “I knew you’d rush in to help and just get caught by ‘em too.”

Magnus’s expression turns pained. “Yeah.”

“There wasn’t anything you could have done,” Barry reassures him. “I tripped, stumbled right into a nest of ‘em. It,” he pauses, mindful of Lup listening. “It was just really fast,” he finishes.

Davenport nods. “Uh, confer with Lucretia later. Let’s get a full description on what they look like and their effects. They’re not common but this isn’t the first plane we’ve heard of them on and it probably won’t be the last.”

Nodding, Barry answers. “Sure thing, Captain.”

From there the talk shifts to this plane and what they’ve gotten so far from the readouts. There’s inhabitants and breathable air is what they know so far. They’ll have to pick the most likely spot for the light’s arrival in about ten days. 

“Alright,” Davenport says. “Magnus, Taako, let’s take a look at the scans, see if we can pick our best option for resupplies. We’re not in bad shape but there’s a few things we’re low on. Compound for the part printer would be ideal but we may have to make do unless…” He breaks off, turning back to Barry and Lup.

“How about you two, uh, get caught up with last cycle’s experiments.”

Lup stands, her hand on Barry’s shoulder. She smiles, “Thanks, Captain. We’ll get to that for sure.”

With a snort of laughter, Davenport gets up and heads to the bridge. “Try to find some time for it,” he counters. 

“Merle?” Lucretia asks. “Want to do the parley rundown again for the notes?”

“Yeah. Same as usual? You get the tea and I’ll raid the kitchen for snacks?”

“There’s some of your gross wheat grass crackers in the big tin, bottom left shelf,” Taako calls over his shoulder as he follows Davenport and Magnus. “Keep your hands off the stuff in the fridge, though. I’ve got plans for it.”

“Aww, c’mon, Taako! You know those crackers are only good with…”

“Yes! Fine! Have your stupid spread. But touch  _ nothing else, _ old man!”

Barry stands. Lup catches his hand and leads him to their room. He can tell from the set of her shoulders she’s got more on her mind, something she wants to discuss. Difficult as it is to know there’s a conversation brewing, he lets her get to it when she’s ready. She had nearly an entire cycle without him and he just wants to do whatever he can to make that up to her. She will speak in her own time. He’s content to revel in the feeling of her in his arms. The time between dying and standing alive again on the deck was nothing for him but he knows time existed keenly for her during those months.

 

—-

 

It takes her a few weeks of having Barry alive again before she’s ready to discuss it with him.

They’re in bed, snuggled into each other’s arms, her back warm against his chest. She’s toying with the hair on his arm. It tickles, making him smile into her hair. Her hands still and he senses she’s readying herself to talk.

“So,” she begins, turning to face him. “You were gone for a long time last year.”

“I’m sorry, Lup.”

She traces his arm down to his hand and pulls it into hers, trapping it between her palms. “Not your fault, babe. Just a shitty accident.” She licks her lips and pauses again. “Okay, so that’s kind of the whole point of this. I… I had a lot of time to think about it. And to read some books we’ve collected over the years.”

What flashes through his head is the year she read about the elf/human couple and pulled away from him. But her fingers are clutching his hand. She’s held on tighter since he’s been back, not withdrawn. The worry crosses his mind but doesn’t take root. 

Wrapping his other hand over hers he waits, lets her find her words.

Looking in his eyes, she does. “I’ve been researching becoming a lich.”

That terrible instinctive part of him responds instantly. In his extraordinarily long and science driven life he has often despised that unquestionable and impossible to ignore compulsion many, many times. 

Those feels are nothing compared to the hatred he feels for it now when the light and love of his life suggests cutting out her soul and tying it to her everliving magic and that stupid fucking voice inside him vehemently agrees with the plan. He is sickened at the bloodlessness of the certainty, as if it’s a forgone conclusion despite the terrible risk, as if his rational mind gets no say at all.

He can’t speak. He’s sure his face shows a war of emotions.

“Think of what we could do, babe,” Lup tells him, pulling her hands free and sitting up. “Being pure magic? We could fuck the Hunger up.” Her delight at the carnage she could wreck is palpable. Fire crackles in her hands and shimmers warm light across her face. 

He sits up as well, pulling the pillow into his lap. He traces the seam nervously, trying to find the middle ground between what his heart and brain think of this plan and what the fucking premonitions are insisting.

Abruptly Lup extinguishes the flame. She looks at him seriously, leans forward an her hands are warm and alive on his upper arms as she commands his attention.

“You died to bugs, babe. We’re trying to fight a multidimensional devouring entity that gets stronger with every meal and you died to bugs.”

She takes a deep breath and pulls the pillow from his hand so she can climb into his lap. Her arms go around him, holding him so tightly he is hit with a wave of sorrow for what he put her through. Ten months. He’d have gone crazy, he thinks. He can’t imagine being without her for so long. He holds her, sliding his hand over her hair. 

“I think we need more power,” she continues. “I think we need to be sturdier. And I think this would do both of those things.” Her voice is strong and clear and he is so overcome with love and pride and amazement at everything she is but it’s the next words that cement it.

“We could protect them, keep them safe,” she finishes, pulling back to look in his eyes.

“Don’t let Magnus hear you,” Barry jokes. 

Lup pushes away, slides back out of his lap to look disapprovingly at him. She and Taako both joke to deflect difficult conversations but she never appreciates it when he tries it.

Barry takes his glasses off to clean them with the edge of the sheet. He does this any time he needs a moment to think but he’s also ashamed of himself and the look he’s more than earned from her.

“You  _ died _ and it was a stupid accident. And there were six more of us. But what if Magnus had come to help and died? What if something happened to Davenport before he met up with the rest of us? What if we had a really bad string of luck and all of us were wiped out? If we do this, babe? We get a second chance. Or actually we go from seven chances to nine and two of them would be  _ really _ fucking hard to stop. You _ know _ this makes sense.”

Replacing his glasses, he tugs her wrist, encouraging her to lay back down with him. She does and both of them facing each other.

“I’m sorry,” he says simply. He forces himself to meet her eyes. “I know that you’re right. I can… I can feel it. Even if I didn’t, I’d still know you’re right.”

Lup’s expression softens. “Babe, of course I’m right. I’m always right.”

She reaches up to brush his dark hair back from his temple as he gives her a watery smile. Dammit, he’s already close to tears. 

Lup slips closer to him. “What do you mean you feel it?”

Their arms are around each other again and that makes it easier for him to admit. He’s never told her about those moments of unquestionable instinct, sometimes even compulsion. He’s never told anyone.

“Do you ever just know something?” Barry asks. “Maybe something that doesn’t make any sense, doesn’t fit with anything else but somehow you just know?”

Lup is quiet and he appreciates that she doesn’t just answer, she stops to really consider.

Her fingers comb idly through his hair.

“Intuition? Gut instinct?” she asks. “Sometimes, I guess?”

“This is stronger than that,” he tells her. “I think so anyway. I mean, it’s...It’s like you don’t have any reason to pick right or left but something is telling you to go right. Something is telling you ‘right’ so loudly and clearly and insistently there’s no way you could make yourself go left.”

She looks at him for a long moment, reading something in his face.

“I’m not explaining this very well,” he says. His emotions have shifted over into frustration that he can’t find the words to convey how intense it is. Barry shifts and the mattress creaks gently beneath them in the silence.

She waits patiently, still gently toying with his hair. His right arm is around her but his left hand rubs circles on her hip. He’s so lost in thought that he hasn’t realized he is doing it.

“Remember when I told you about joining the IPRE? That’s one of those times. Keil Sarthreli offered me lead on the research team. I told you I turned down it down and insisted on being on the exploration team?”

Lup nods.

“Heading research on the light was everything I’d hoped for since it had been found. Exactly the kind of opportunity I’d wanted since I became a scientist. But it didn’t matter. There was this … voice… inside me that didn’t care about any of that.”

Suddenly he’s aware he hadn’t been seeing her, he’d been remembering that day in the office with Sarthreli and Davenport. 

“I wanted it, wanted to accept that position so much I could taste it. But my mouth opened and demanded the exploration team instead.”

“What?” Lup’s voice is soft and surprised. “But.. They assembled that team months before they knew they’d launch an expedition.”

“I  _ knew _ there would be an expedition. I _ knew  _ there would be a crew. And I  _ knew _ that’s where I was supposed to be.” Barry’s voice is emphatic. That had been one of the strongest occurrences of that insistent voice. 

“Okay,” she answers, “but…”

“Lup that was exactly the kind of opportunity I had spent my entire life working towards. Yes, now we chase the light and we study it and it’s the goal every year but back then? That was everything I’d dreamed of as a scientist and … well, in comparison I turned it down to hope that I could go play Junior Science Scout.”

“That’s hardly what we do,” Lup protests.

“Not now, no. But the original goal? My role? Compare that to leading the team with the Light? Which at that point was not a thing that happened on a regular schedule in the most high stakes game of keep away in all the planar systems?”

She tugs his hair none too gently at his joking tone but doesn’t disagree with his point.

“And okay, like, don’t be mad, I swear I wasn’t spying or being a creep but… When you traded your bracelet for those journals to give Lucretia?”

“When I what?” Lup’s fingers freeze in his hair and her right hand raises unconsciously the way she holds her hand when she’s about to conjure fire. It’s not a threatening gesture, it’s the motion of Lup feeling threatened herself.

“I wasn’t following you,” Barry insists. “In fact I was supposed to go meet someone who had a compound that I was hoping to use to … “ Barry is speaking quickly but interrupts himself to get back to the point. “It doesn’t matter. I was supposed to see a guy about a thing, but I didn’t because something insisted I had to go to that weird little craft market instead. And I saw you trade your bracelet and get those books that Lucretia found and never knew who left them.”

“Actually, she’s pretty sure it was Davenport,” Lup says, lowering her hand. “Is that why you bought me that bracelet? Because you knew?”

“I, uh, well, full disclosure, I didn’t buy it. I made it. But I gave you that bracelet because I,” he sighs, “Lup, because I wanted to make you happy. That’s all I’ve wanted to do for so long I can’t remember anything before.”

Barry lifts his hand to trace his fingers along her cheek. “And this lich stuff? This scares me because I know it’s right and I don’t like some stupid compulsion telling me it has to happen instead of letting my brain reason it out. It scares me because, and don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt you can do anything … but it scares me that it’s a terrible risk.”

Barry stops talking and swallows once, then again, and when he continues his voice is strained. “It scares me because… God, Lup, what if I can’t do it? What if I let you down?”

“Barry,” Lup says gently. She pulls off his glasses and use the heel of her hand to turn his face back up to look at her. She shifts close to him and gets right in his face. “You won’t. You can’t. And I’m not saying we do this thing tomorrow. We research the fuck out of it. We figure out the best, the safest, the surest way and  _ then _ we do it. Together.”

Then she kisses him and the conversation is forgotten for a while.

Well. Not forgotten.

The two of them will research and discuss, discuss and research. There are so many things to consider. Barry still argues the other side because he is a scientist and he has to consider all the data available. But the truth is that from the moment she suggested it he knew they would do it. That damn instinctive voice inside him had responded and he’s only buying time. He knows that as soon as they can be reasonably safe, they’ll do it.


	43. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Barry spend some time searching for the light, leading to some unexpected conversations.

It’s quiet. There’s the crackle of their campfire, the occasional call of some kind of night bird, the soft scrape of Magnus’s blade against the chunk of wood he’s been working, and little else. 

“When did you know Lup was the one?”

Barry looks over at Magnus. He doesn’t answer immediately. A much younger Barry, a Barry from eighty years or so ago would have rattled on about not believing in ‘the one’ and he might have even believed it at the time. 

When the now-Barry does speak, it’s with the crystal clear image of Lup and Taako on the Institute grounds, arm in arm like they were ready to kick open all the doors and make the world take notice. 

“I think some part of me knew the moment I saw her. I mean, uh, I didn’t realize it. I…” He leans back against the rock behind him, stretches his legs out in front of him. It’s chilly out, even close to the fire, but he pulls his robe around him and relaxes. “I used to see her and Taako around and I didn’t even know who they were. I just thought they were the exact opposite of me in all these really good ways and…” he blushes, thinking about it now. “I just saw her and she caught in my brain somehow. Every time I saw her, I noticed her. I mean… You know how you go blind to things sometimes when you see them a lot? Back home, for example. We knew binary sun systems weren’t very common. But every time I’d go outside it wasn’t like, oh, hey, two suns! They were just there, in the sky, every day. Sometimes you’d notice them setting or how they shone through the clouds or whatever. But mostly they were background noise, right?”

“Lup was never background noise to me. Every single time I ever saw her I noticed her, I couldn’t stop noticing her if I tried. And I did try.”

He pulls his glasses off and fishes in his pocket for something to clean them with. After a moment he gives up, uses the edge of his robe to wipe at them. 

“Then we were on the crew together and I tried harder not to notice her. But the more I got to know her, the more I couldn’t fight it. All those things I saw in her before I knew her? The way she was so clearly capable and independent and fierce and brilliant and funny and powerful and dedicated? So absolutely  _ sure _ of herself and her place in the world. I’d seen all that in her face, in the way she would walk with Taako and carry herself and just… it was obvious, you know? And the more I got to know her the more I saw how she was all those things and more. I was just constantly in awe of her and…” He stops, realizing suddenly how much he’s been gushing about her. “So I guess I knew she was the one that I loved, the one I wanted to make happy however I could, the one that mattered more than anyone or anything else. But ‘the one’?”

“I want to rebel against the concept that anyone could be someone’s ‘one’ but… that’s who she is to me. ‘The one.’”

“It’s not like my life was incomplete before Lup. But loving her? Being loved  _ by _ her? It’s the best thing I’ll ever do, best thing I’ll ever have. I’ll work every day for the rest of time to stop the Hunger - and we’ll stop it, I know we will somehow, some day - but for my singular little life? Loving Lup will still be the bigger, more important thing to me.” He crashes back into awkward silence, once more aware of how carried away he’s gotten.

Magnus seems to study him for a moment. “So, just, uh, when you find someone who makes you think that stopping the apocalypse is no biggie? That’s when you know?”

Barry laughs, a sudden bark of sound that turns into shoulder shaking laughter. “Too dramatic?” he finally manages to ask.

“Maybe a little.”

Barry settles back again and smiles into the firelight. “Well, still.” He shrugs. “That’s Lup.”

“Fair,” Magnus answers. He frowns, tilts the wood, angling it this way and that. Adjusting his hold, he slides the knife against it again. “Like, okay, I was 19 when we left.” He laughs. “Guess I still am but you know what I mean.”

Barry nods.

“I figured we’d be back in a few months and I’d see what came next. Plenty of time to maybe get married, raise dogs, do the whole thing, right? Just seemed likely back then. Doesn’t seem that way now.”

Magnus’s arms drop into his lap, the knife and rough carving held loosely in his hands. “I should be sitting on my porch, old and grey by now. I’m not complaining. Not exactly. I still  _ feel _ nineteen in a lot of ways. But…”

“I know.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” Barry tells him, pulling his robe around himself again as another breeze kicks up. “We’re gonna beat this thing, you know.” He says it nonchalantly, as if he’s remarking on an unusual shape of cloud. “We’re gonna get it done and then we’ll get to settle down. And you’ll find your person.”

Magnus doesn’t answer but the set of his shoulders says he doesn’t agree. For another long moment it’s just the sound of the fire and the subtle whisper of his knife peeling ribbons of wood away. “And if we do? That’s a problem for you two.”

He looks over at Barry and even in the flickering light of the fire, Barry can tell this is something that has been weighing on his friend. It makes his heart squeeze tightly for a moment to think that Magnus has considered this, considered  _ them, _ and holds that worry.

He smiles into the fire and lifts his shoulders briefly. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” he tells him.

 

—-

 

When they both settle into their sleeping bags, Barry pulls out his stone of farspeech.

“Hey, babe, it’s late. Can’t sleep?”

“Wanted to hear your voice.”

“Aww! Nerd.” After a moment, she follows with, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he answers softly. “Just miss you.”

“I miss you too, babe. Fuck, I can’t believe the rest of you aren’t allergic to whatever it is in the air this cycle. Especially you, bear, you’re allergic to  _ everything.”  _

“You and Taako still miserable?”

“We’ve got everything sealed and the purifiers are on recycle instead of pulling in fresh, so…” Her blithe tone falls away and she finishes simply, “It’s not too bad.” 

“We can come back,” he offers. “Use the airlock and decontamination entrance, minimize the…”

“We’re okay, babe. Just...it wears on you,” she admits. “And my big hot water bottle is far away,” she adds, back to her normal, teasing self.

“Still. Just say the word and we come back. We didn’t see the light arrive so this wandering we’ve been doing?” He sighs. “I feel like I’d be more useful there, taking care of you and Taako.”

“I promise we’re alright, babe. Just ready for this cycle to end so I can stop being allergic to  _ air.” _

He chuckles and there’s another comfortable pause. Barry pictures her curled on their bed with a book. He could ask her where she is, what she’s doing, but he likes the picture of her there. It makes him feel more connected, thinking of them both snuggled in, ready for sleep, even if they’re separated.

“Magnus asked when I knew you were the one.”

“Oh?” It’s just a single syllable but he can hear her interest, hear that her eyebrow has raised, that a half smile has settled on her lips.

“Yup,” he says, not volunteering to elaborate. He’s smiling into the dark now, too.

“And?”

“And what?”

“Barry, you’re an awful, awful man.”

He chuckles softly. He wishes he were laying beside her now, that he had her tucked into his side with his arm around her, her leg thrown over his. So many nights they’ve fallen asleep like that. Missing it makes him feel like he’s been robbed of something vital.

“I told him it happened in stages.”

“Hmm.”

“Or, well, I guess it was the realizing that happened in stages. I think I was a goner the first time I saw you.”

He hears her laugh through the stone, adjusts the image of her again, still settled on their bed but with her own stone tucked beside her, maybe resting on his pillow. Even without the stone they’re connected somehow. Those bonds that become visible between cycles, those are always there, more and more, thicker and thicker, tying them together no matter what. It reassures him to think of this, almost as much as hearing her perfect laugh transmitted to him just when he needed it.

“I wanted to make a joke about seeing that bluejeaned ass of yours but you weren’t wearing jeans the first time I saw you.”

Laughing, he answers, “Unbelievable.”

“Which? That you weren’t wearing jeans or that I noticed your ass?”

“Both.”

“Well, it’s true. Or maybe it was the way you blushed. Or choked trying to knock back that drink.” 

Her teasing voice across the distance between them makes him smile, makes him crave having her wrapped in his arms, crave it so hard it’s a physical ache.

“Slightly more believable,” he answers.

“The robot cycle,” she says. The teasing tone has disappeared.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

“The little robot with the short?”

“It didn’t have a short.”

He laughs. “Yeah, I guess it didn’t.” 

The scene is written in the silence between them. What he remembers most is the way the flecks of rust and grease on her arms seemed like part of the constellation of her freckles. He remembers how warm he felt even before she summoned a flame to help him see.

“Wish you were here,” he says, his voice rough.

“I don’t,” she says. “But I wish  _ you _ were  _ here.” _

“You’re right. That’d be much better. I wish I were there too.”

 

—-

 

Barry and Magnus are up early the next day, making their way up a rocky incline. None of them are holding out much hope of finding the light this late in the cycle but they can’t just give up while there’s still a chance. 

“Hey, I meant to ask last night…”

“What’s that?” Barry asks, suddenly nervous.

“You taught yourself elvish, right?”

“Oh,” he answers, “yeah, that year with the…” He’s not sure how to finish that sentence. The year he was supposed to have died in the fire? The year Lup nearly broke up with him? The year with Selba and Gheesan? The year he held off the Hunger with a spell he still doesn’t really understand? “Yeah, I did.”

“Do you think you could teach me?”

“Oh! Yeah! Of course! What brought that up?”

“Just… Seems like a good thing to learn. It comes up.”

“It does,” Barry agrees. “Taako and Lup would be happy to help too, I’m sure.”

“Well, Lup would. And Taako would help but… Not sure you’d call it ‘happy’ to help.”

Barry laughs. “Yeah, fair point.” After a moment he adds, “He  _ would _ though. Teach you wrong, teach you insults and all the swears. But he would.”

“Yeah. Hey, is it true they have seventeen words for ‘tree’?” 

“Not really. Just descriptions, same as in common. Same as any language, really.”

“Okay. So how do you say ‘Can I pet your dog?’”

Barry grins. “Well, first off ‘your’ in that sentence can be singular or plural so you’d have to use the correct one….”

“So... like knowing when to use ‘y’all’?”

“Pretty much.”

“Okay,” Magnus nods, “go on.”

 

—-

 

Two more days of hiking and camping finds them on the top of a plateau.

“Let’s go ahead and set up here - or maybe up on that bit of ridge,” Magnus says, gesturing. “Maybe we’ll see a glow tonight from somewhere.”

“Good plan,” Barry replies, dropping his pack. Both of them being human, it’s not likely their vision will pick up anything from this much distance but it’s as good a shot at finding the light as their random wandering has been. He’s grateful for the break, anyway. Weeks of hiking, trying to keep up with Magnus, has taken its toll on him and he’s feeling every one of the years his body has collected and many of the ones it’s skipped. 

Setting up camp is a smooth process. Over the years they’ve all gotten plenty of practice at the task. At least here there isn’t the added effort of packing the walls with snow like that year with he and Lup in the snow. 

He straightens, hands in the small of his back as he stretches the muscles. Gods above and below, that year had been rough. They’d had that tenuous closeness at the beginning with her so constantly cold, struggling with the temperature, silently accepting his shared warmth at night. Then his fall through the ice, the days of sickness, waking to find her gone…

His eyes are unfocused, remembering the trials of that long ago cycle. When he comes back to the present it hits him. It’s dark. Darker than it should be.

“Magnus! It’s here!”

Magnus’s head jerks up and he drops the equipment he’s holding. “Fuck! It’s early!”

Dammit. They should have had another two weeks. “You call Davenport’s group, I’ll call Lup!”

Magnus pulls out his stone, moves to look over the cliff edge.

Barry hits the sequence for Lup’s stone, waits anxiously for her to pick up. “Come on, come on, come on,” he chants under his breath. She and Taako have been hit hard with whatever it is in the air here that they’re allergic to. Have they had a setback? They should have left someone else on the ship with them but they’d sworn they’d be okay. 

Magnus is walking back towards him, a question in his eyes.

Barry shakes his head and tries Taako’s stone. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, pick up! Be okay, be busy getting the ship out, just… something, anything!” Desperation and worry are crawling over him faster than the darkness descended.

There’s no answer on Taako’s stone either. He tries Lup’s again then leaves it on, the call still trying to connect and tucks the stone into his pocket. The black pillars are coming down now. Dammit. It’s early and it’s  _ fast. _

He pulls out his wand and stands next to Magnus, waiting, searching the unnaturally darkened horizon. Looking out over the ravine below them, at the empty stretch of black sky above it. Those black, color streaked fingers of the Hunger are falling thicker now, reaching out to grasp this world, readying to pull it into its ever ravenous maw. He’s desperately seeking any sign of the ship: a glint of metal, a flash of speed, any indication the twins are okay and are going to get the ship out of the planar system in time. 

Beside him, Magnus turns. 

“Barry.”

Barry turns but the flat dread in Magnus’s voice tells him what he’ll see before he looks. 

A hundred shadows. A thousand. Every conceivable shape and size and others that itch in the back of his head just looking at them. 

Magnus hefts his axe and adjusts his grip. “We’ll hold them as long as we can. Any distraction can help buy time.”

Barry touches the lump of stone where it sits in his shirt pocket and sends a wordless pulse of love and worry along the bond he knows connects them.  _ ‘Please be getting the ship out, babe,’  _ he thinks to himself, thinks to _ Lup. _

“Yup,” he says. “We’ll do our part, trust they’re doing theirs.”

And he does. He trusts them with his life, with all their lives, with everything that’s on the line. He’ll trust them as long as he lives.  _ ‘And then some,’ _ he mentally adds.

Then there it is. The Starblaster weaves between the Hunger’s searching tendrils and disappears into the distance. 

They’re out. They’re safe. They’re all safe.

Barry drops his wand and looks at Magnus, relieved. Calm. Both of them relax even as this army stares them down, advances on them. 

Pain punches through him and he looks down. A spike of thorny blackness, shot through with red and green and blue, has gone through his back and erupted from his chest. 

Barry reels. The pain floods through him even as his strength drains away. He smiles at Magnus.

“Well. We’ll get ‘em next time.”


	44. Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Lup move forward on some major decisions.

Barry and Lup are relaxing on a blanket in the grass, both leaned against the same enormous tree. There are long, sweeping branches waving overhead, bending towards them with leaves shaped like tear drops. The tiny courtyard they are settled in is surrounded by tall brick buildings that hulk on the edges of their vision, just beyond the trees and bushes that keep the area cool and serene. 

The spot has become a favorite since they discovered it early this cycle. The building to the north holds an impressive collection of arcana research that they’ve been steadily working their way through. Since their encounter with the stone judges, Barry has tried to spend less time in the lab while still working as hard as ever.

At the moment, though, he’s not working much. There’s a book open on Barry’s chest but it’s been a while since he turned a page. He’s distracted today. Glimpses of blue sky above, the rhythm of the breeze winding through the tree branches, and the beautiful woman lying next to him have all conspired to keep him completely unable to focus.

Especially the woman beside him.

Lup is wearing a sundress of some soft, light material in dozens of shades of green. She seems like a fae goddess of spring come to life and settled beside him. With her hair left long again this cycle, a stray leaf has caught in her braid, reinforcing his image of her as a deity of the season. 

Pushing his book aside, he gives up the pretense of working and stretches out then rolls over onto his stomach to watch her read.

He’s half hypnotized as his fingers stray to one of the strings dangling from the corset lacing top of the dress. Tugging lightly at it, he pulls the bow loose. 

Lup doesn’t look up from her book. A half smile blooms on her face but she simply says, “Stop that, you terrible influence.”

Reluctantly he crosses his arms and rests his head on them. 

“Finish your book?” Lup asks, still not looking up. She turns a page and licks her lips. 

He’d swear she was deliberately teasing him but Lup would never be so subtle. 

“Can’t focus anymore,” he answers, his voice gruff. “There’s this beautiful woman I can’t stop looking at.”

Her bare foot slips out from where she’d tucked it under her skirt. She stretches her leg towards him and nudges his hip. “Pfff, you’re just a slacker.”

“The fact that I’ve ever managed to get any work done around you shows how dedicated I am,” he protests. 

Finally she lowers the book enough to peer at him over the top. “True, I’d almost be insulted at how much work you manage to get done when I look so good.”

“Let’s go somewhere,” he tells her. “Take a few days, even. The experiments are all on track, Taako and Magnus can do the basic upkeep. We can take a few books with us so we’re not entirely playing hooky.”

She sets the book down and re-ties the bow he’d pulled loose. Then she looks at him and he sees her considering it, sees the exact moment she agrees as her ears shift and eyes focus on him again. “Okay, Bluejeans. You’re on. You talk to the boys and pack us a bag.”

“Deal,” he tells her. “I’ll check with Dav, too.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.”

“Probably,” Barry agrees. Reaching over he tugs the string again, pulling the bow out again. “Hey. Don’t change. Keep that dress on, okay?”

She swats his hand away laughing. “Okay. But I’m gonna pack those really  _ old _ jeans of yours. The ones that are more memory than fact at this point.”

“Anything you want, Lup.”

He pushes himself up and offers her his hand once he gets to his feet. She lets him pull her up and he catches her momentum and pulls her to his chest. Wrapping one arm around her, he uses the other hand to pull the leaf out of her hair. Holding it so she can see what he’s found he teases, “My very own goddess of spring.”

“Babe, you know with my fire I’d have to be summer.”

“Lup, you’re every season as far as I’m concerned.”

She rolls her eyes and teases, “Such a nerd, Barold.” But she is smiling the sweet, secret smile she gets when he actually manages to flatter her. He tucks the leaf into his pocket of his jeans, reluctant to let go of even a scrap of this afternoon’s magic.

 

—-

 

Barry studies the readouts they have of the surface while Lup gathers their stuff. He’s already checked with Magnus and Taako and explained what they’ll needed to do with the samples in the lab.

There are a few locations he thinks looked promising but, honestly, if they find an inn with a half decent restaurant nearby they’ll be happy.

Lup walks in and drops a satchel by the door. “We need to figure out how to pack magically,” she told him as she joined him at the bridge.

“Oh, have you picked where you want to go?”

He shows her the two options he thinks look best. “This area near the lake seems good but there’s also this one,” he explains as he flips to another option. It’s a little collection of towns on a mountain located to what they would consider north, not that magnetism and poles work quite the same here. “This area has ice year round and there’s supposed to be a whole town carved from ice. Ice hotel and ice restaurant and ice museums. But it doesn’t matter to me if you have other ideas.”

“What exactly do you display in an ice museum?” she teases. Holding up her hand, she conjures a spell that crackles around her hand in a perfectly sculpted flickering glove of fire. “Not sure they’d want me around it, whatever it is.”

“Hmm…” She cycles between the two and then flips the readout to cover a few other places. “What about here?” Her choice shows a strip of beach.

“Is that down near the… was it an enormous pier I guess?” he asks, referring to a landmark they saw when they were first scouting for the best place to wait for the light.

“Yeah, they had a whole carnival set up there,” she tells him. “Reminded me of our first date.”

He smiles. “Perfect. You wanna head us up there?”

“Ha, yeah, Taako, Magnus, and Merle were just leaving for town when I came in here. Let’s move home while they’re gone. Davenport said he’d take over after he drops us off. Especially since I promised to keep an eye out for any good wine or tea for him.”

As Lup takes the wheel and readies the Starblaster, Barry heads for the door. “I’m gonna go grab that notebook out of the lab. Did you get the book I left on the nightstand?”

“Yup, sure did, babe. Hey, since Taako’s gone, go snag some of those spice cookies for us, too, okay?”

“Will do,” he promises, blowing her a kiss. 

Laughing and shaking her head, she shoos him with her hand. “Nerd,” she mumbles to herself around a grin.

“Maybe so, but I’m  _ your _ nerd,” he calls behind him as he disappears through the door.

 

—-

 

A few hours later they are checked into a cozy seaside inn with a view of the setting sun. He stands behind her at the window watching the colors in the sky turn warmer as the sun sinks.

“We could have had a view better than this on the ship,” she points out.

“A better view of the sunset, maybe,” he tells her. He leans down and brushes his lips over her neck, then reaches for that corset lacing again. Pulling it loose, he whispers, “But not better than this.”

Smiling, she turns to him. “You’re in a frisky mood today. Is it the dress?”

“Those lacings are very tempting, but no. It’s the woman in the dress. Can’t get enough of her.”

She laughs again and wraps her arms behind his neck. “I’m not sure how I’m so charmed by your attempts to be smooth.”

“Are you? You keep laughing so I wasn’t sure.”

“Babe, you’re charming the pants off me.”

Waggling his eyebrows, he tells her with a grin. “But, Lup, you’re not wearing pants.”

“See? I told you. You charmed them off.”

Laughing he says, “So… neither one of us are smooth?” 

“How dare you! I’m incredibly smooth!” she tells him, looking insulted.

He laughs and bends slightly, slinging an arm under her and sweeping her off her feet. 

“Okay that… babe, I gotta say, that move was pretty smooth.”

As soon as the words are out of her mouth he stumbles trying to manage a sexy but gentle drop onto the bed. They both collapse onto the mattress, clutching one another and laughing.

“Landing needs work,” she teases, pulling herself up enough to drop a quick kiss on his lips. “Davenport will never let you fly the ship again if he finds out you’re pulling landings that rough.” She kisses him again then sits up, rubbing her palm over his cheek. 

“Don’t tell him; I promise I’ll work on it.”

“Gonna keep sweeping me off my feet?”

“As long as you’ll let me, Lup.”

She bends and kisses him again, this one softer, lingering. When she pulls away, he reaches up and wraps one of the strings from her dress’s corset lacing through his fingers, both tugging the bow loose yet again as well as pulling her back towards him.

“You really can’t keep your hands off that, can you?”

Smiling, he shakes his head. “Nope. It’s far too tempting. Makes me want to just… unwrap you.”

She sits back on her heels and looks at him as she pulls the simple knot free and loosens the lacing. “I’ll have to remember what a sucker you are for corsetry. Find a wedding dress with…” Suddenly she blushes and looks down, biting her lip.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, instantly worried. He pulls himself to a sitting position and reaches for her shoulder, then pauses just shy of touching her. “I’m sorry, I was teasing. But I  _ can _ keep my hands to myself if you’d like.”

Her face tilts up to look at him and she vehemently shakes her head. “No, no, not at all! I… Trust me, if I want you to keep your hands to yourself I’ll let you know and that will probably be around the fifth of never. But, no, I was…”

She drops the string she was fiddling with. “Okay, the thing is… Gods… I can’t believe I said ‘wedding dress’ when I was planning to surprise you with… well, hold on.” She climbs over him and off the bed. Going over to where their satchel sits on the sofa in the little living area, she digs her hand down in the side. Grinning, she pulls out a little wooden box and holds it up for him.

“Wait,” Barry said, his voice shaking. “Stop a second.”

Lup freezes, looking stricken. “Oh, uh, yeah.” Her hands drop to her side, the box loose in her right hand. “Don’t worry about it. We don’t have to…”

“No, Lup,  _ no. _ Gods, that’s not what I mean at all, I just…” He stands and slides his hand into his pocket. There, beside the half crushed leaf from earlier, is the tiny velvet covered box he’d grabbed from where he’d stashed it in the lab. “I had something to ask, too.” Dropping to his knees in front of her, he looks up at her nervously. 

Her whole face changes entirely. It’s like the sun came out and lit up everything, shining from somewhere deep inside her. 

“Barry, are you really…?”

He nods. “Are you?”

She goes to her knees in front of him, too. The boxes each of them hold are forgotten as they pressed their foreheads together, both of them beginning to tear up. 

“Are we really this bad at this?” she asks, half choking on a combination of tears and laughter. “Really?”

“I think you mean this  _ good.” _ He manages in his own choked voice. Sitting back on his heels, he presents his box to her. “Lup, will you make me the happiest man in existence? Do me the honor…. marry me?”

Laughing and nodding and crying, she can barely suppress her emotions enough to speak. “Yes, of course, I’ll marry you, you nerd.” She opens her box and holds it out to him before taking his. “But only if  _ you’ll _ marry  _ me _ .” Then she wipes her eyes and says, “Wait, hold on, I had a plan.”

Swallowing, she straightens her shoulders and begins, “Sildar Hallwinter, will you…”

Shaking his head, he reaches for her hands. “No, uh uh. If we’re gonna get married you better learn that my name is Barry Bluejeans.”

Grinning so big her face looked about to crack from pleasure, she starts again. “Barry Bluejeans, will you  _ please _ marry me?”

“Nothing would make me happier,” he answers, eyes shining with love and tears. 

Hands shaking, he takes the ring from his box and tries to place it on her finger. Laughing, she has to take over and slide the ring into place. “Oh, wow, babe, this is beautiful, what is it?”

“It’s a violin string twisted with a piano string and hammered flat,” he tells her. “I… I made it.”

“What? Babe, I love it, it’s perfect!” She kisses him then pulls her own ring free of its cushioned box. “Okay, I didn’t make this by myself,” she apologizes. “But I… Well, you’ll see.” 

Instead of putting it on his finger, she hands it to him to inspect. As soon as he touches it, a soft glow comes from the ring, fading when she lets go.

Looking up at her, he asks, “How?”

Putting her finger back against the ring, the glow returns. Looking closer he can see more details. “It’s the ring of the bond engine!” he exclaims.

“Mmmhmm,” she murmurs. “Davenport helped me. It’s not exactly up to powering the ship; it’s a very simplified, very, very basic version of the bond engine. Well, the ring of it, anyway. It’s not strong enough to do more than glow when we both touch it, but…”

“Lup, it’s amazing.  _ You’re _ amazing. I love it! I love  _ you! _ So much.” Together, they push the glowing ring into place on his finger. She lets go and the gentle light fades, leaving a band of what looks like engraved ivory. There, in miniature, are the etchings subtly incorporated into the bond engine’s design: runes and symbols combining science and magic.

“Other than you this is the most perfect and wonderful thing I’ve ever seen,” he tells her. 

They kiss and for a long moment they can only hold tightly and drown together in their mutual love and happiness. Finally, though, Barry pulls away. Grimacing an apology, he says, “I’m sorry, Lup, but I have to get up off my knees now.”

She laughs and helps him get to his feet. “Come on, old man, let’s go out and celebrate. Then we’ll make sure to get you to bed early for plenty of rest.”

Pulling her into his arms, he promises her, “Plenty of rest? Not if I can help it.”

 

—-

 

Later that evening, after dinner and dancing and drinking and an extended amount of not resting, Barry and Lup are cuddled together in bed. Outside, on the nearby beach, waves run ashore and recede, a low whisper of rhythmic sound as they settle into each other’s arms. The sun hasn’t quite begun to climb the horizon again yet, but it won’t be much longer.

Lup reaches over and winds her fingers with his, activating the pale glow of his ring. 

“This has been the best day ever,” she told him. “But I still want to hit that carnival tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a plan. Carnival and another best day ever,” he promises. “As many ‘best days’ as I can give you. That’s my whole goal.”

There’s no sound, no reply other than her burrowing in closer beside him. Still, he can sense her smiling there in the dark. 

“We have to remember to take these rings off before regen,” he says. 

“Yeah,” she agrees, her voice matching the hint of sadness his has gained. “And before we go anywhere dangerous.”

Neither of them say anything but he can guess her mind has gone the same place his has, picturing Magnus turned to stone, the rest - or nearly the rest - of them soon to match him.

“Should we just leave them on the ship?” he asks.

“Maybe.” She sighs. “I don’t know.” She pulls away from him, adjusting until she sits cross legged beside him. As soon as she’s situated she pulls his hand into her lap and says, “I don’t want to, though. I mean… I don’t want to lose them, of course I don’t. But, I don’t want to live this ‘What if I lose it’ life either. Gods, I still miss those fucking boots I lost in … what was it? Cycle 33? 34? But what’s the point in keeping them on the ship? Okay, yes, I wish we’d gotten married before we launched and could always have rings regenned with us. But it’s more important for me to wear it, have it, even if we lose them and only have their memories. Like today, right? We can’t recapture those moments exactly but they’re part of us now, part of the good things we carry inside us, right?”

He’d sat up while she was talking and begun nodding along. “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You’re right. Like, uh, I mean… those judges were kinda right about staying safe in the lab.”

“Babe, they weren’t, though, that wasn’t…”

“No, it’s okay. But we do have to risk things and we’re always going to lose things sometimes. Like… Legato is gone but it’s still in us, powers us just like bonds power the ship.” He goes silent and she lets him think, playing with his fingers while he works out the connection he’s trying to make.

“What if that’s the missing piece we’ve been looking for?” he asks.

“For what?”

“For … the spell.” He takes a deep breath. “For becoming liches. We’ve gotten so much of it figured out but that certainty that we can keep being  _ us _ … What if this is it?”

Her hands still in her lap, just holding his fingers as she works through the implications. “So we use those … good things: memories, feelings, that kind of stuff, and use them like the bonds? Tie all that to our magic to…  _ anchor _ us? Fuck, babe, I think you’ve got something. Build the whole ritual on this?”

Nodding as he continues connecting the ideas, he adds, “If it’s all about the magic and the power, it’s like… of course it gets out of control, takes over. But if we, like you say,  _ anchor it  _ this way, then we stay  _ us, _ keep our control.”

For the first time he feels better about this plan, hates that voice inside him that insists it’s the right path a little less.

Lup climbs into his lap and brushes the hair back from his forehead. For a long moment she simply looks into his eyes. “You seem… so much calmer about this now.”

“I feel calmer,” he admits. “I… like I told you when we first talked about this, I know it’s the right plan. But I know it in my gut, know from the…”

“The premonitions?”

He grimaces but nods. “Yeah. But I didn’t have the same assurance in my brain yet. I didn’t know… Lup, I just don’t want to let you down on this.”

“Hey. Hey, babe. Never. You could never, ever let me down. I know you can do this.”

“I think so now, too. I can do this. If I can anchor it in how much I love you? In how much I want to keep everyone safe and finally beat the Hunger? Yeah.”

“We can do this,” she says, “Together we can do this. And we’ll be stronger. If we’d had it with those judges…” She pauses. “Nothing like that will happen again. Even if everyone dies we’d still be able to get the ship out.”

His arms wrap around her and he presses his face to her shoulder, breathing in that mix of smells that mean Lup, means home and love and everything he has with her.

She combs her fingers through his hair and they just hold each other while she plays with his hair and he rubs her back. 

Eventually they settle back laying down, tangled together they way they favor. “We’ve still got a ways to go before it’s ready, before  _ we’re _ ready. And…” She sighs. “I’m going to have to tell Taako.”

Barry nods and this time it’s him stroking her hair. “What do you think he’ll say?”

“Oh, he’ll  _ hate _ it. But he’ll support me.”

“Thank all the gods for that. I don’t know what it would do to our, um, anchors if he didn’t.”

“Shit. Shit. You’re right.” She looks at him and her eyes are blazing. Even in the early glow of sunrise he can see the intensity in her gaze. “We can’t risk that. It would be like contaminating a sample, the whole thing could be ruined. Fuck.”

His stomach twists but he nods. “Yeah. When we do this we can’t chance any negatives attached to the … the good things we anchor with.”

They clutch back together, tighter than ever. “Is this ever gonna get easier?”

“It will,” he promises. “One day it will.”

She wraps her hand with his and the gentle glow from his ring illuminates their faces with a soft blue light.

“It will,” she agrees. “And that’s when we’ll get married.” She laughs. “Does that mean I’ll be Mrs. Bluejeans?”

“You can call yourself whatever you want,” he answers, kissing her head. “As long as we’re together.”

“Always,” she confirms. “Forever.”


	45. Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Lup prepare to move forward with their plan by gathering important moments with the people they care about.

Barry and Lup spend years getting themselves ready. They begin doing what Lup jokingly calls “magic yoga.” Not yet ready to tie their souls to their magic, they focus on anchoring their magic in powerful personal memories. Through that study and practice, her already wildly advancing skills are becoming still stronger, more powerful than any of them imagined possible.

Barry watches her, bursting with pride and love, as she surpasses every benchmark she’s ever set for herself.

“Your turn, babe,” she says with a wink, fire still crackling around them as her magic subsides. She’s sculpted a perfect blazing heart around them, not touching a single blade of grass or tree leaf or the two of them at all. “Why don’t you try that ‘olly olly oxen free’ thing?

Barry nods, takes a deep breath, and focuses on the feel of her hand in his after their duet, on that perfect, shining moment in the elevator together, and on the feeling of her eyes watching him right now. He spins up his magic from that, simply concentrating on “Stop” and when he looks around, everything has. Her magic has gone still, the flames frozen in place. Beyond the unmoving fiery heart, the world has also come to a standstill. The crackle of flames, the rustle of leaves, the call of birds, and thrum of insects - all of it has ceased.

“Holy shit, Barry.” Lup cancels her spell and they watch as it collapses slowly. She steps out of the space it had surrounded and reaches up to pull a leaf from a tree. It pulls loose without a fight but when she drops it, it hangs in the air until she takes it again. “That’s some bullet time effect there, babe.”

Returning to his side she pulls him into a kiss and the spell falters, time skittering forward again as his concentration shifts. And then he’s just kissing Lup, unaware of the world around them.

When they pull apart, she looks around and laughs. “Well, I’ve heard of a kiss stopping time, but I just started it again.”

Then her face looks thoughtful. “Do you choose to not freeze me?”

Barry’s eyebrows pull together. “No. Honestly, I don’t think about what to effect at all. I didn’t those other times, either.”

“Hmm. It seemed like it affected everyone and everything but the seven of us. And the ship, I guess. So maybe you were already pulling on bonds and emotions when you did that before?”

Nodding, Barry agrees. “That makes sense. I wasn’t anchored in positive memories but it was… yeah, those were definitely tied to strong emotions. And, uh, that time in the fire, too.”

“Shit, yeah.” Shivering, she wraps her arms around herself and leans against him. “I don’t know what you did that time but I’m glad it worked. I mean, I love fire, like _obviously_ but… it’s a nasty death even if you get to come back.”

Barry nods again but doesn’t offer comment on those terrifying moments in that burning hallway. Even decades later that feeling is impossible to forget: the fear that if he didn’t come back until the next cycle that Lup would be more determined to end things, the worry about the crew, and that terrible dread as the fire nearly consumed him. Of all of those, the thought of losing Lup is still the worst. His arms go around her and pull so tight she squeaks out a noise and looks up at him.

“You alright, Barold?”

“Yeah. Just… I love you so much, Lup.” His voice is shaky and he smiles at her with watery eyes. “I’m just the luckiest, you know?”

Giving him one of her dazzling smiles she agrees, “You are. But I didn’t do too bad myself. Now let’s see what other benefits this nice secluded field has to offer.”

 

—-

 

The cycles get harder. The seven people on board the Starblaster have been fighting, working, running for so long now. They are all tired, exhausted. And every year the Hunger comes again. Every single year draws to a close with them barely escaping.

In the years they manage to secure the light, Barry works endlessly to take advantage of every single moment he can study the thing, try to find any way they can keep it away from the Hunger permanently. Lup works alongside him and also finds time to push her magic further, do more, be more powerful.

As the ship descends into a new plane for the 82nd time, they find a sight unlike anything they’ve ever seen. The plane of magic has been pulled out of position, crashing to bisect the material plane. It’s stopped the tides, ended so many of the natural rhythms they’d always assumed to be required.

Within a few days of the light arriving, they have it safe on the ship. And as they see the extent that such an event has changed this world and left it barren, something inside Barry surges forward. He squeezes Lup’s hand and whispers, “This is the place.”

Nodding, she squeezes back. “I was thinking the same thing.”

That night, instead of cuddling into bed together after a long day of rescuing the light and then working in the lab searching for a breakthrough, they sit together and begin to finalize their plans.

“I need to tell Taako.”

Barry stands and moves behind her. Rubbing her shoulders he tells her, “We don’t _have_ to do it this year.” It’s a wonder he can get the words out through the demand inside him insisting that yes, they _do_.

“We’re ready,” she says simply. “Taako… he’ll understand.”

He comes around and kneels beside her chair. “Okay. So… let’s plan to do it at the end of the year. We’ll spend the year gathering as many more good memories as we can manage. And we’ll…” He stops, grins at her, “We’ll give each other a perfect day, the best days we can create…”

“Best days ever,” Lup says, beginning to smile at him.

“Exactly, we’ll give each other a best day, try to get what we can with everyone else, and… you’ll tell Taako… and then we’ll do it.”

“I want him to be there.”

“Yeah, of course! Of course he will.”

“I think… I think I’ll ask him for the day before I tell him. Like we said, try to keep it separate. He’ll worry but…”

The expression on her face wavers and he can read every minute change before it disappears. “Taako will support you,” he reassures her.

“I know he will. I… I kind of…” She looks up at him, her eyes wide and dark. “I almost hate that he will. I mean… I don’t want him to stop us. He couldn’t, it’s our choice. But I think he’s going to believe maybe he should and I hate to do that to him.”

“Then he’ll feel better about it the first time we’re able to make a difference because of this.”

“Yeah, I hope so.”

“Lup. If you don’t want to do this…”

“No, Barry… I’m doing it. _We’re_ doing this. Together.”

She puts her hand on his face and that soft warmth of pure _Lup_ is more reassurance than her words could ever be.

“Together.”

 

—-

 

“So, I think I know how the Hunger finds us every year.”

Barry is standing at their large meeting table, facing the six faces he’s known for nearly two thirds of his life, the people who have become his family, the people who are closer to him than he could ever have dreamed he’d have.

Lup smiles at him. She knows what he’s about to say, she was there in the lab with him when he finally, _finally_ figured this out.

No one speaks, just look at him anxiously.

He coughs, feeling oddly nervous. “Um, the light, it… it has this force that it gives off, where it is desirable and it needs to be desired, that sort of… it’s tough to put a name to that force, but it is just radiating…”

“Craveability.”

Barry stares at Magnus, momentarily derailed. “Wh- craveability?”

“Mmhmm.”

Chuckling, Barry concedes, “That _craveability_ is radiating off this thing. And this like, this radiation…”

“The Crave Wave,” Magnus interjects.

“Sure. The Crave Wave is, it’s like a beacon. It is a breadcrumb trail that the Hunger just knows how to follow. And…”

The temporary joviality from Magnus melts away again. “Well, I’ve tried everything I can figure to block it. But there doesn’t…” He sighs and his shoulders slump. “I can’t figure out how to block it.”

“But that’s a big step forward,” Lup says. “That’s how the Hunger finds us every year, finds _it_ every single year. It’s tuned into that…”

“Crave Wave,” Magnus supplies.

“Tuned into that Crave Wave, yeah. That’s something, something big. No, we’re not there yet, but now we know where to focus, right?” She stands and looks at each of them, ending with her eyes on Barry. Moving beside him, she puts her hand on his shoulder. “And we’ll figure that out. And that will be the game changer.”

“And then the Hunger will go Hungry,” Davenport says, beaming.

“Exactly!” Lup cheers.

“Great work,” the captain tells them.

The group talks for a few more minutes before breaking up to go their separate ways. But Barry is quiet for most of that time. He’s trying to capture this feeling, this pleased and hopeful feeling. It’s one more tiny moment to cling to, another piece in the network of anchors that will hold him together. He smiles at Lup and she smiles back; he can tell she’s doing the same exact thing.

 

—-

 

When they planned to give each other perfect, ‘best ever’ days, Barry had failed to take into account the limitations they’d face on this plane. They are alone on this plane with only the supplies they have left after last year.

It’s forefront in his head as he spends the day going over the ship with Davenport for maintenance.

“You’re extra quiet today,” Davenport observes. “Everything okay?”

“Just, uh, just a lot on my mind.”

“Don’t pressure yourself too much about the light,” Davenport says, climbing under another tight fitting deep in the systems of the ship. Once he’s in place on the other side of the machinery, he reaches a hand out for Barry to pass him their checklist. “You’ve made progress! We’ll get there. I’m as anxious as anyone else to finish this but burning yourself out won’t find the answer any faster.”

There’s silence for a moment before Davenport says, “The fittings on the intake controls are still good but the connections to the rest of the ECLS will need to be replaced. Put that on the machining list.”

Barry marks it down on the clipboard he’s still holding. “All five main?”

“Yeah, and let’s do the four sub-pairs, too.”

“Got it.”

Davenport passes his checklist back so he can work his way forward through the densely packed machinery. “So is there something else?”

“Uh, well,” Barry hesitates. He knows he can’t tell the Captain what he and Lup are planning but… “I want to give Lup, um, like, well, a really good day. Something special.”

Davenport pauses and hefts himself up to eye Barry across the hullking ship parts separating them. “You guys gonna make it official?”

“Not, uh… not exactly,” Barry stammers. “I mean… well, we’ve gotten married in a couple planes now of course but it won’t be…” He pauses. “It won’t be… I don’t know, the one that really counts, I guess? Until we’re done with all this.”

“You mean that time in that city under the iron sky wasn’t the one?”

Barry snorts. “Not exactly, no. Though a wedding ceremony to convince a warlord to not kill us was certainly… an experience.”

“Well, it worked, that’s what mattered most.” Davenport reaches over for the checklist again and drops down out of sight once more.

“So, a special day?” he prompts from behind the bulk of the ECLS.

“Yeah. I can’t take her to a restaurant or uh, well our first date was an amusement park and then coffee.”

There’s a huff of laughter from Davenport then a bang followed by a curse. “Dammit! One of these times I’m not gonna brain myself on that fucking L-joint.”

“Is it bleeding?” Barry asks, as he has dozens of times before in this exact spot.

“Not this time,” the captain calls. “Eat, sleep, and breathe this ship for eighty some years and this is how she repays me…”

“Not like the Starblaster can hug you,” Barry jokes.

“I’ll settle for not knocking me stupid,” Davenport grumbles.

“Maybe strap a pillow to it?” Barry suggests for the umpteenth time.

There’s more grumbling from the captain but no clear reply.

“Will it make you feel better when I get stuck between the filtration tanks?” Barry offers.

“It usually does,” Davenport replies.

“But we can get someone else to…”

“Nah,” Barry interrupts. “I like our routine.”

Softly, barely audible over the constant whirr of machinery surrounding them, Davenport responds, “Me too.”

 

—-

 

Barry walks out of the lab, stretching. He’s been holed up in there all day, throwing spaghetti at the wall, as Taako would say. He’s tried every reasonable thing he can think of to try and block the... _Crave Wave_ … coming from the light; now he’s trying irrational, ridiculous things. Nothing is working and he’s unable to spend another minute in the space he knows better than the back of his own hand. When the lab - where he’s always felt most comfortable - feels claustrophobic, it’s time to get out.

Physically he feels pretty good. Lup has proven to be an amazing masseuse, working out the kinks and stiffness that the maintenance inspection always fills him with. It’s still a little startling to him that she likes to pamper him just as much as he enjoys spoiling her.

She’s spending the day with Magnus ‘420 blazing it’ as they like to announce. Really it just means they’re going for a run and hanging out together.

Their rowdy boy security officer has settled somewhat since Fisher joined their little band aboard the Starblaster. The voidfish is getting bigger, almost the size of Magnus these days. Unspoken among them is the knowledge that if Fisher continues to grow then the voidfish won’t regenerate with them if something happens to it. It’s made Magnus more cautious and even more protective than he was before.

Passing through the kitchen, he stops and makes a cup of tea. It’s not particularly great tea. The leaves come from Merle’s little greenhouse space and the drink isn’t worth squandering their limited supply of sugar on. But it’s a distracting routine that helps more than the actual drink does. When he finishes, he takes the cup out to the deck.

He stops at the door when he sees Merle and Lucretia working together outside. They’ve spent a lot of time together this cycle. Merle, apparently, has decided to write his memoirs and Lucretia has offered her assistance. Now it seems they’re working on some spell together.

Instead of going out on the deck, he just stands at the door watching them while he sips his tea. He loves this ridiculous little thrown together family they’ve built. If the seven of them had been thrown together in a party it seems unlikely many of them would have made it longer than a single, awkward conversation.

Outside, Merle gestures, arms arcing out to draw a rough circle. Lucretia nods, then, with a determined expression, closes her eyes and casts again.

The image that fills Barry’s mind is from decades ago: everyone gathered around as he showed what he’d learned from a handful of magic lessons with Lup and Taako. It seems impossibly long ago. Back then he’d been trying to give Lup space after their awkward reunion at the first crew meeting.

At the time he was awkward and embarrassed, his two default states. But now it’s a sweet memory, an early moment of him finding his place among the people that have become his family.

Barry watches Merle and Lucretia work and fastens it all into his memory. Becoming a lich is just like learning magic in the first place; he’s doing everything he can to make sure they all stay safe, that they all survive so they can eventually stop the Hunger and settle somewhere.

 

—-

 

Knocking on the open door to Magnus’s room, Barry asks, “Hey, Magnus, could I ask you a favor?”

“Sure thing, Barry. What can I do you for?”

“Well, so, uh, I’ve got a little problem. I, uh… Okay, so like, Lup and I? We’re uh…”

“I’m gonna stop you right there buddy cause I like you both a whole lot but that’s just not my…”

“No! No, no, nonono. No. No, not at all. Totally, just, uh, totally not that. No.”

“Barry?”

“Yeah?”

“I know. I’m just fucking with you.”

“Oh, uh, okay.” The flaming red of Barry’s cheeks settles down a shade or two but he continues stammering. “I, uh, I was wondering if maybe… L-l-look, uh, do you think, um, do you think you could, uh, teach me to carve something? For, uh…”

“For Lup?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you two getting hitched? I mean, I was there on that train that time and I heard about the thing with the uh… that warlord guy. But if you’re…”

“No, just… We’re just each going to try and give each other a really nice day and I, uh… I wanted to make something for her.”

“Oh, yeah, sure! That’s great!” He stands up and goes to the chest at the end of his bed. Rummaging around in it, he asks over his shoulder, “Do you have any ideas what you want to make? I mean, I’m gonna assume not a duck.”

“No, not a duck,” Barry laughs. “I, um, I did have an idea though.”

For weeks, whenever Lup is occupied and he can unobtrusively sneak off, he works with Magnus and then on his own in secret on his gift for Lup.

 

—-

 

He chooses a day about halfway through the cycle. Magnus and Fisher have gone camping. Merle and Lucretia are busy with Merle’s memoirs. He checks with Davenport and Taako to make sure he and Lup aren’t needed.

That morning he slips out of bed and goes to the kitchen. There’s an extremely limited supply of the coffee the twins fell in love with a few cycles back. But today seems to warrant using some of the frozen stockpile. He wishes he could have made macarons for her like he did so long ago. But they’ve not got the supplies and he hardly wants to ask Taako to transmute some for him. This day is about just the two of them, anyway.

Instead, he toasts bread while the coffee steeps. It’s just a simple bread with their shelf stable ingredients but it’s held them through many a rationed cycle. When the toast is golden he splurges a bit of butter and cinnamon sugar on it for her. Then he gathers up the cinnamon toast and coffee and brings it back to their room.

He closes the door softly behind him with his hip but she’s already awake.

“I wondered where you were, babe,” she says with a yawn. They’ve been working long hours in the lab and long hours alone going over every detail of the ritual.

“Got you a little something,” he says, bringing the tray over to the bed. She sits up and smiles at him. That smile undoes him, knocks him apart into a miniature galaxy of pieces all spinning in her orbit. It ties him together into an unwavering constant whose entire being centers on loving her. He smiles back and leans down to kiss her forehead. “If you don’t have anything planned today I thought, uh,” suddenly he’s full of nerves. This day is so important. He swallows and focuses on her beautiful, freckled face looking expectantly up at him. “Uh, I wanted to give you your day.”

“Oh, hell yeah!” She picks up the coffee cup and sniffs, inhaling the scent deeply. “Fuck, babe, you’re sure starting strong. I love you a lot but this coffee comes a close second.” She sips and closes her eyes in bliss. “Perfect. It’s just perfect.”

“Okay, so, the ship is kinda empty today and I’ve basically threatened everyone with, well, everything I can think to threaten them with really. So, take your time with the coffee and toast - sorry it’s not fancier - but then? You and I have the bathroom to ourselves and I have a secret.”

Her eyebrows go up and she sets the cup down to give him her entire attention as she asks, “What have you got up your sleeve, Barold?”

“Well, I can’t tell you everything but I’ll tell you this: I’ve had a bottle of that shampoo you like hidden for a while now. And I’m going to…”

“Not the one that was in that drawer in the lab, I hope.” She gives him a big, showy smile full of teeth and accompanied by wide eyes. “Cause that one’s been gone for a while, babe. Sorry.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “No, and not the one that I put behind the cans of pickled beets in the pantry, either. I knew if I wanted to keep one safe I had to hide two badly.”

“Ho. Ly. Shit. Babe, I’m so proud right now and, okay, yeah a little insulted. But, honestly, really, really proud.”

“So, whenever you’re ready I thought… Maybe I could wash your hair for you? And there’s candles and well, I rigged up a soaking tub and found some lilac oil…”

Her eyes light up. “Like our place on Legato? Oh, babe! That sounds divine!”

Pleased, he smiles at her. “Okay, enjoy your coffee and toast and I’ll go make sure…”

“Uh uh. If this is my best day from you then you’re staying right here. I want my bear beside me.”

“Well, I, uh, I better give the lady what she asks for,” he says. He kicks his shoes off and she holds her tray while he climbs back into bed beside her.

They stay in bed longer than her coffee and toast lasts but eventually make it to the bathroom where he’s set up everything for an absolutely decadent bath.

“Do you want to do the honors?” he asks, gesturing at the candles. They cover every available surface in the room which is filled with an enormous tub he’s just managed to wedge into the room. There’s barely room to open and close the door with them inside.

Lup aims her thumb and finger like a gun and showily ‘shoots’ each candle wick to life while Barry uses his own magic to make sure the water is the right temperature.

“I, uh, didn’t have any bubble bath put aside, sadly,” he tells her. “But…”

“Babe, this is wonderful. I love it.” She eyes the tub. “You’re getting in with me, right?”

“If you want me to, Lup, of course.”

“If I want you to… are you kidding? It wouldn’t be nearly as much fun without my personal hair washer and, uh, did you say you had some lilac oil?”

“Sure did,” he says, pointing at the little bottle on the counter. “Want me to rub it on your shoulders?”

“Gods above and below, do I ever. I want the full rub down and the hair washing and …” she groans. “Fuck, this all sounds glorious. I don’t know what you could have planned for after. I’m not sure I’m gonna ever get out again, actually.”

“Up to you, but, yeah, I did have something else planned.”

“Gotta say I love what you’ve cooked up so far,” she says as she undresses.

“I’m glad,” he answers, feeling relieved. “It’s, uh…” he stops, not wanting to color any of this day with his worries.

But Lup knows him every bit as well as he knows her. She turns to him in the tiny space left for them with the amount of room the soaking tub takes up. Her fingers move over his shirt, sliding the buttons loose as she speaks.

“I know. It’s a lot. But we have lots of wonderful memories together already, babe. Even if the rest of this day turns out terrible, I know how much you love me and how special you’ve tried to make it. That’s what matters. Right?”

He nods and kisses her. For a long moment they just hold one another.

“You’re right, of course you’re right. But you do deserve a perfect day. Liching be damned, you deserve all the perfect days.”

“So do you, you know.”

“Any day with you is pretty perfect.”

Laughing, she climbs into the tub. “Come on, you sappy nerd. And bring that lilac oil and shampoo.”

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on tumblr @youhearstatic)


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